Tag: mental health blogger

Whose fault is it anyway?

“It isn’t your fault you are the way you are. From this point if you stay that way it is your fault.” Ray Care

I have been sitting on this quote for a few weeks now. I heard it on the podcast Team Never Quit. Ray Care is a former Navy Seal that lived through a hard younger life to become a Navy Seal and then after leaving the teams he became a successful entrepreneur.

I love the message. The things that have happened to me, good and bad, to make me what I am now are not my fault. But the point when I realize that only I have the choice to change my life, from that point if I don’t change it is my fault.

So this is the sign you have been waiting for. You have the power to make your life whatever you would like it to be. You get to choose what the next part of your life will focus on. You get to decide if you are going to keep blaming other people for where you are. You get to choose how you will handle set backs and bad things that happen. It is all up to you.

Does that mean that life is always going to be fair once you take control of your choices? No life is still going to be hard. You are still going to have deal with other people’s choices but instead of becoming the victim you can become the hero of your life.

You can take what is given to you and turn it into the fire that shoots you forward. You can forgive the people that have hurt you. You can understand that what they did was all about how they were hurting and had nothing to do with you. You can learn to see life as a series of choices. Choices that can lead us closer to our goals or father away.

Those choices are all up to you. You have the power no one else. You have the power to make your life and the world better. What will you do with that power?

Expectations

I want to make sure everyone gets along.

I want to be sure that everyone is happy.

I want to be sure everyone likes me.

I want to help everyone feel comfortable at the party.

I want to help others understand their worth.

This is a list of expectations that I have had for myself at different times in my life. Some of them are doable and good goals. Others are expectations that are toxic for my frame of mind. I have had times when I want to force people to be happy. I don’t necessarily think that when I am in the situation but that is where it goes.

So what do you do when you find yourself with unrealistic expectations? First, you have to recognize that what you are thinking or doing is not reachable. Wanting to help people feel comfortable at a party is doable. You can introduce them around to the other people. You can make sure they have food and that they know where the bathroom is. But needing everyone to get along is an expectation that is toxic. You can’t make people like each other, no matter what you do.

Second, once you realize that your expectations are out of control you can explore why you are so focused on achieving that thing. One of my major expectations is that I want people to get along and be friends, no matter what. When I started to think about this I realized that it comes from being bullied as a teenager. I know what it is like to be on the outside and it is a horrible feeling. Not wanting someone else to feel like that drives me to the extreme of trying to make everyone like each other. It makes me hyper focus on situations when I think people aren’t getting along. And I spend way too much time trying to fix the “problem”.

Finally, spend some time working through the thinking error that is causing the expectation. I have had to learn how to like myself no matter what other people think. I have come to realize that situations that I think need “fixed” the others don’t see a problem. I have had to learn boundaries and know that even if there is a problem unless I am one of the people involved the problem has nothing to do with me. It takes work and at times I still find myself sucked into trying to fix a problem. However, I can work through it much faster than I used to.

We have all learned expectations throughout our lives. The choice is now ours if we want to keep those expectations or not. We can do the work to let them go or we can stay stuck. I hope you choose to let them go.

I can’t; I can

One of my clients taught me a trick that has changed the way I think. She was stressed because she felt like she was being pulled in two different directions. One person wanted her to do something but she already had other plans and had promised a school shop tripping to her kids.

At first she was trying to figure out how she could do everything to make everyone happy. She was trying to squeeze way too much into one day. As the stress started to build she realized I can’t do all of this. I can’t go to the event that these people want me to. But I can make them dinner. I can’t spend the day at the event like they want. But I can give them a place to come back to rest.

When she realized that she could still do something for her friends her stress evaporated. She knew she couldn’t do what the other person wanted but she could still serve them in another way. She knew that although she wasn’t doing exactly what her friends wanted she was still doing good things for them.

I love this trick so much that I told her I was stealing it. This thought shift makes a huge difference in how I  think. Too often I think I must do everything and I must do it perfectly, it is overwhelming. When I step back and realize I can’t do this whole thing but I can do this part the pressure disappears.

Remember there is only so much time in the day. We can’t do everything but we can do something.

Summer Panic Attacks

Panic attacks in the summer surprise me. The majority of the time I don’t have many panic attacks anymore but having them during the summer throws me for a loop. I think it is because I feel that it is summer time so I should be relaxed and ready for anything.

The truth is though that I really like having a routine. I like to have some time in the mornings after the kids have gone to school to put myself together. I like to know where everyone is and what their plan is for the day. This is much simpler to do when all of the kids are in school.

Then I add in that more people will be in the library – which is good – but not the norm for me. I will be taking more time off because it is summer time and vacations – yay! But that throws off my routine. I know, I sound like I want to have the same day over and over again.

Although that does sound enticing I don’t really want it to be the same all the time. I like that I get to interact with more people at work. I like that my boys are home more and I get to hang out with them. I like that we get to see family more and get to know them better.

I just have to remind myself that change makes me uncomfortable. And when I am uncomfortable my body reacts with a panic attack. The most frustrating thing about these panic attacks is that I can’t trace them to a thought. Being able to find the thought that caused the panic is one of the fastest ways for me to end a panic attack. But when life is changing and I just feel uncomfortable I can’t find the one thought that started the panic.

So what do I do? I ride it out. I remind myself that it is common for me to fill uneasy during change. I know that I will settle into a new routine and everything will be fine. I just have to ride out the uncomfortable parts. I remind myself that the more I fight against the panic the worse it gets.

Give me two weeks and all of this change will be behind me and I will wonder what the big deal was. But for now I am going to fill anxious. Excuse me while I go finish this panic attack.