Tag: mental health blog

Life isn’t Fair

I am taking a class to become nationally certified as a life coach. Which by the way, I do need a couple of people to practice on. If you are interested please message me or comment below!

As part of the class we work with a life coach that has gone through the program. We were given a list of potential coaches and asked to list our first and second choices. The teacher did caution us to pay attention to how many times a coach was chosen. They can only take on so many students, so if they have been listed a few times already to choose another coach.

I got my choices in right away so I thought for sure I would get the coach I listed first. I was the first and only one other person choose her. I forgot that this teacher is teaching at least 2 other sections of this course and these coaches were listed for all of the classes.

Last week I found out that I did not get my first choice, although someone else in the class got her. I was upset because I felt like I should have been given priority since I got my picks in first. As I tried to concentrate in class I kept thinking. What should I do? Should I say something to the teacher? This just isn’t fair!

Then I went back to one of the most important lessons I learned from the anxiety: Life isn’t fair. No matter how perfect I act some people aren’t going to like me. No matter how hard I try not everything I do will turn out. No matter how fast I am sometimes I won’t get my first choice for coaches.

I tell my kids all the time: life isn’t fair. This lesson is one of the major things that helped me to overcome the anxiety. I was so worried about doing everything perfectly so everyone would like me. When I finally learned that life isn’t fair it changed my outlook. It helped me to realize that I couldn’t be perfect enough to make everyone like me.

Life isn’t fair and the more I remember that the less I try to make it fair. The less I have to worry and try to think about ways to make it fair. When I remember that life isn’t fair I can go forward making the life I do have the best I can. What have you been trying to make fair that you need to let go?

Scary Mommy

When the boys were younger I was not the best mom. Because of the anxiety I was constantly on edge. Ironically, I was trying to be the perfect mom, well the perfect everything, and this made me extremely stressed. Which means I would overreact to small annoyances.

Jamison was a toddler probably about 3 years old and we were having General Conference. This is a conference that happens twice a year in our Church. Because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a worldwide church the conference is broadcast on TV.

I was so ready for the conference. I was ready to the feel the Spirit, be encouraged and given direction in my life. At the time my husband was on patrol and was working. I had set the boys up with some snacks and helped them make a fort in the living room so they could watch from a fun tent. I know I had unrealistic expectations there are two sessions of the conference on Saturday and Sunday and each one is 2 hours long but I just wanted them to sit and listen.

Now remember I have 3 boys ages 3, 6, and 8. They didn’t sit still for two hours if they weren’t drugged. I don’t remember what happened or what they were doing but I got upset and grabbed Jamison. I took him into their bedroom and tossed him onto the bed saying through gritted teeth, “I just want to feel the Spirit!” Now this is not the best way to bring the Spirit into your life. I distinctly remember standing over the bed and looking down at his little face. This was not a proud mom moment.

I tell you this story because of an experience that just happened on Sunday. This conference fiasco is something we have talked about and it is something we joke about now. I want to be honest about what life was like then and I don’t want the boys to be worried about talking about that time. It is also a nice way to let me know I am getting to scary mom territory.

Sunday on the way home from church I mentioned how I was able to straighten out a mistake one leader made. She is usually on top of everything so I was feeling a little proud. (Again not the best reaction.) The boys started joking asking if I had tossed her across the room. I laughed it off. Then when my hubby and I were getting changed he jokingly asked if I had told this leader, “Haha I fixed this and you did it wrong, I’m better than you.” I know he was just teasing me, but this time I didn’t let it roll off my back.

I said, “You guys make me sound like a horrible person.” And then I started to feel sorry for myself. I started to let myself go down the rabbit hole of not doing things perfectly and not being perfect. Before I made it very far down this hole I thought wait a minute, do I really want to feel like this?

Do I want to get upset and ruin the rest of our day? Do I want everyone in the house to have to walk on eggshells around me? The answer to all of these questions was no. I wanted to have a relaxing day with my family without my drama of being overly sensitive.

So I stopped, I changed my thought. I told myself that everyone was teasing and that they don’t think I am horrible. I know they all love me and just wanted to have fun with me.

I know it sounds simple; just change your thought. But it really is that simple. If you don’t like the reaction you’re having, change the thoughts you are telling yourself. If you don’t like feeling like a loser because you aren’t perfect. Quit telling yourself you have to be perfect. If you don’t want to feel anxious because you made a mistake. Tell yourself that mistakes are ways to learn.

It may be simple but it isn’t easy. It takes practice. It is a skill that I practice every day. Some days I am more successful than others. But I keep trying. The good thing was I was able to get out of that rabbit hole quickly. I didn’t let myself get comfy down there.

Do you have thoughts you would like to change? Try this skill. What is the thought that you would like to change? How can you rewrite it in your brain to not be negative? How can you change the thought so you get the reaction that you want? I would love to hear your ideas. Please share your thoughts with me in the comments. And if you want help rewriting your thoughts I would love to help out! Leave me a comment or message me on Facebook.

Annoying

I can get super annoying sometimes. (I am sticking with sometimes no matter what my kids may say!)

When I get excited about something I hyper-focus on that thing. So let’s say that I decided to make a mermaid blanket for my sister, you can read more about that here. I spend the week looking for patterns, the best type of yarn and any embellishments needed. It is pretty much the only thing that I think about until I have all of the items I need.

Most of the time this is not annoying to other people. The focus is on what I need to do. However, there are times when other people are involved in what I am hyper-focusing on. This week I started a class to become certified as a life coach. In the introductory email the teacher explained that she had set up a Google Docs file for each of us with items uploaded there. She also stated that more would be added this week.

That meant that I checked my email and Google Docs file whenever I saw my phone. I had to check if there was something new. I wanted to know what to study next, I wanted to know what to expect from the class. When new was posted up to Wednesday I couldn’t handle it anymore. I emailed the teacher to find out if I missed something.

This hyper focus can be good because it helps me to get things done. But it interrupts my day and my thoughts. I get anxious and my thoughts start spiraling in a downward direction.

I am working on learning to control this hyper focus. I put my phone away where I can’t see it. I redirect my thoughts. As soon as I start worrying about what new items may be posted I move my thoughts to the sunny day outside. I make myself wait 5 more minutes before I check my email. I remind myself that people have a life outside of what I want them to do. I give them grace to accomplish what they said they would.

I am just starting this new focus. (Since yes I did just email by teacher Wednesday to know where the class schedule was.) I notice that I am feeling calmer. We had class last night and the teacher said she would upload more material today. So far at 8:30am I have only checked my email once!

Baby steps but I am making change. What is one thing that you would like to do differently or accomplish? What is a baby step you could take today to begin? I would love to help you out! Post your baby step in the comments and I will cheer you on today.

Depression is not Laziness!

Sometimes it is difficult to not call yourself names when you are going through a depressive episode. You feel as if you are the laziest person on the planet because all you do is sit. It doesn’t help that people that don’t understand depression may believe you are lazy. They want to know why you can’t just DO something.

The reason is because you are experiencing depression. Depression changes the way you think, feel, and interact with the world. Depression makes you feel like you are continually moving through thick maple syrup. Everything you do takes twice as much effort. Just to think of a plan for the day can take all of your mental effort. And if you are anything like me your brain is still running wild which makes you even more exhausted.

So how do you keep the negative thoughts of depression from taking over?

First, by understanding the truth of depression. It is a sickness in your brain. It is just the same as heart disease or diabetes, it is a sickness. It is not anything that you choose or that you caused. Depression is a consequence of being mortal. It sucks and it is horrible but it is not your fault. You are not broken, you are not lazy, you are nothing but human.

Second, knowing that depression is mean. It will call you names and tell you horrible things about yourself. But don’t listen to it. Depression lies. The horrible things it tells you are lies.  When they come to attack you fight them with all the good things people have told you. Start a box or journal with kind notes that have been sent to you. Write down the kind things that people tell you. Print off or screenshot positive things people have posted to your social media accounts. Then when depression tells you the mean, awful things you can fight them with the truth.

Finally, learn all you can about depression and how it manifests in your life. Encourage the people around you to learn all they can about depression and how to take care of themselves. I am sure that you have heard that knowledge is power. The more you know and the more tools you have the better equipped you will be to fight depression when it comes. Having more tools makes it easier to fight against depression.

I hate depression and I hate the consequences that come from dealing with depression. But I know the harder you fight against it the stronger you will become. The stronger you become the less power depression has over you. Take some time this week to research a new way to fight depression. Give yourself one more way to overcome this monster.

Good Friday

Today Christian faiths around the world honor the sacrifice that Jesus made for us by dying on the cross. We honor the life that He gave us, the faith and love that was shown to us by this act of love.

Then on Sunday we will celebrate the truth that He lives. He was able to break the bonds of death and be resurrected. I have had Christ on my mind even more because of this special week. I have been thinking about God’s plan for my life and how I can better fulfill it.

In Isaiah chapter 6 Isaiah sees in a vision the Lord and Isaiah is anointed to prophesy. Right after he is anointed he hears the voice of the Lord in verse 8 asking “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Isaiah answers “Here am I; send me.” Isaiah is then directed in what he should do.

I love the phrase “Here am I; send me.”

I love the faith and love that this phrase implies. No questions, no wondering, no worries. Just here I am send me to do thy work. Tell me what to do and I am there, I will do it.

I am not like this.

I am more of the mind that says I understand this is what I need to do but is there an easier way? Are you sure this is what you would have me do? Why is this something I should do? Why is it so hard?

I want to be more like Isaiah. Here I am send me. I want to be more like Christ. Even as he prayed in Gethsemane knowing the pain and suffering that would come he accepted it and did His work. I want my faith to be stronger than my fear.

As I work to that end I will continue to praise God. I will continue to thank Christ. I will continue to build my faith. Here am I; send me.

 

I Am…

Have you ever noticed how often you say I am during the day? I am tired, I am lazy, I am lost. I never really noticed it until I saw a Facebook post last week by a friend highlighting this phrase. She mentioned that when we say I am we are claiming something for ourselves. We are telling our own minds what to think of us.

Are the I am statements you say something you want in your brain? Are your I am statements as negative as mine? I talk a lot about the way we think because the way we thing makes all the difference. The way we talk to and about ourselves determines so much about what we think we are capable of doing.

Pay attention to how these different statements make you feel.

I am exhausted.

I am always making mistakes.

I am a fighter.

I am a winner.

The first two statements make me feel worn down and defeated. The last two statements make me hold my head up and get ready to fight. So what if you are exhausted? Instead of saying I am use I feel instead; exhausted is a feeling, not who you are at your core. Don’t claim things that aren’t who you really are.

I challenge you to pay attention to what you say when using I am. Only use positive thoughts and attributes after I am. Because at your core you are a child of God and that is the best I am.

Guided by the Spirit

A long, long time ago in galaxy far far away. OK sorry that story has already been told.

But some time ago I was asked how you can tell when it is the spirit or Holy Ghost warning you about something and when is it the anxiety just getting you spun up. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to tell the difference.

I want to preface this discussion with a disclaimer. The thoughts and beliefs that follow are mine alone. They do not reflect the beliefs for teachings of anyone else.

That being said I want to start with the scripture from 2 Timothy 1:7. This is a letter that Paul sent to Timothy. The spirit of the letter tells me that Paul knew Timothy well and wanted to uplift and help Timothy in his calling as an Apostle. In verse 7 Paul tells Timothy “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

This was not an easy time to be declaring the good news of the gospel. Paul was in prison and was telling Timothy in verse 8 that he would also be a “partaker of the afflictions of the gospel”. But Paul is telling Timothy to not be afraid. God has not given us the spirit of fear. Paul was letting Timothy know that there may be hard times coming but not to give in to the fear. I thought about this scripture often when I was going through the anxiety.

How does this scripture help me to know if it is the Holy Ghost warning me or the anxiety? By the way that I feel. When my thoughts start racing and my heart is beating like crazy and I feel like my entire life is hanging on this decision and if I don’t make the correct choice then my life will be destroyed; I know that the anxiety is speaking. Because God does not give me fear. He does not want me to feel this way. When the spirit is warning me of something I may feel lost or confused but my thoughts and feelings do not start running wild.

There is another way that I use to determine if it is the anxiety or the spirit. This scripture is in the Doctrine and Covenants. This is a book of revelations that I believe were given to Joseph Smith as he restored the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This revelation was given in response to Oliver Cowdery. He had tried to translate the Book of Mormon but was unable to do it. The Lord told Oliver in section 9 verse 8 “But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and it it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel it is right.”

Oliver had not done any work to be able to translate he just asked and expected to be able to receive the answer from God. When I am working to know if there is something I need to change or do differently. Usually when I am trying to decide if I have messed up and I need to apologize to someone (because I think way too much about the things I do and say and then I worry I said the wrong thing and I need to apologize) I make a list. I try to “study out” the situation for myself.

I write down what I did and all of the possible ways the other person may react. I then go through the list and cross out the craziest. You know the ones like they are making a voodoo doll to begin torturing me for being so horrible.

When I have all of the craziest responses marked out I am usually calm enough at that point to think clearly about the situation. I can then take the question to the Lord and ask Him if this is a situation that I need to change or work on. The end of the verse gives me the most important clue to knowing if it is the spirit or the anxiety talking to me.

The end of the verse says “if it is right I will cause your bosom to burn”. So to know if it is the spirit or the anxiety you have to know how the spirit talks to you. What do you feel when you have felt the spirit? How have you felt guided or led? For me I feel calm and peaceful. I often feel as though a blanket has been settled down through my mind calming the racing thoughts. It is at that point that I know that I am on the right track.

I don’t give in to the crazy thoughts of the anxiety as often but I listen to what God is trying to teach me. It has taken me some time to trust myself again. However, the work is worth it to have that guiding influence in my life.  How does the Spirit talk to you? How do you know when you are on the right track in your life?

Sneak Attack

The majority of the time I handle depression well. I take medication that helps control both the depression and anxiety. I have learned to raise my thoughts about depression’s black hole. I have learned that gratitude for my life helps to counter any sadness I may feel.

The bad thing about depression though is that it does sneak attacks. There are times when I am going along just fine and then I get clothes-lined with sadness. I feel like my life is horrible and that it will never get better. I feel like my family would be much better off without me. And I can’t find one small thing to be grateful for.

I have learned that there are going to be days like this. Even though the depression is mostly under control there are days the blackness breaks through. I have learned a few things from these days.

First off, it is ok that I still have these days. I will probably always have bad days. I don’t know that I will ever be able to say that I am cured from depression. But I don’t let it have so much control on those days. I celebrate that I am not on the floor crying even though I feel horrible. That is a win when it comes to depression.

Second, I have learned that I haven’t done anything wrong to make depression come back. The depression can lie and tell you that this all your fault. That you are a horrible person and that is why you feel this way. I have learned that those are lies. Sure my brain chemistry is different but I didn’t DO anything to bring the depression on.

Lastly, I have learned that the bad days don’t last forever. I have learned that on those bad days I don’t push as hard. I rest and I let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling. Because trying to force myself to feel better is too much work. I know that the depression is not going to last forever and I keep moving to make it through this bad time.

If I could change things, if I could wave a magic wand and take away the depression forever I probably would. But that is not going to happen any time soon. I have learned to live with that and to know that I can be happy any way. I hope that you learn that too. That you know your life matters and that it does get better!

When life is HARD.

The other day my youngest son had made some plans that he was fired up about but then they fell through at the last minute. I knew that he was sad about what happened but he was trying not to show it.

As we were driving home I asked him a few different questions to try and get him to tell me how he was feeling. (Sometimes getting an eleven year old boy to talk about his feelings is a challenge.) Finally, he said to me, “Mom are there times when you feel bad about something but you feel bad about feeling bad because other people have it so much harder?” Oh yes my son all. the. time.

I knew what he was feeling. He was feeling blessed because of the wonderful life he has but also feeling bad for the plans that had fallen through. I told him, “Other people having a harder time doesn’t make what you are feeling any less hard.” Life hurts no matter how wonderful of a life you have been blessed with.

There were so many times in the middle of the depression that I felt guilty because I had so much and yet felt so terrible. I thought about all of the moms around the world that couldn’t feed their children, I thought about the dads that couldn’t provide a safe home for their families. And you know what happened? I felt worse, the guilt was overwhelming. It took me a long time to learn the lesson that the suffering of others didn’t make my suffering any less. I still hurt and I still struggled no matter what others were experiencing.

We often talk about how we shouldn’t compare what others have to what we have because it takes away the gratitude for what we do have. I also think that we shouldn’t compare the bad things we go through with the bad that others have to go through. When we do this we don’t let ourselves feel the pain of our own struggle. When we don’t completely feel the pain of our own struggles we are less able to feel empathetic to others. When we don’t feel our own pain we can’t heal it. Just as we shouldn’t compare our good we shouldn’t compare our bad either.

Does that mean that we should build a house and live in our pain and disappointment? No, it is something to go through not a place to live. By feeling and going through my pain, I was able to learn and grow. I am now better able to reach out and help others. I am more able to feel others’ pain and help them carry that pain.

Take a minute and breathe. Remind yourself that what you are feeling and experiencing is not going to last forever. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel bad when things don’t work out the way you wanted, hoped, and prayed for. Remind yourself that it is OK to hurt even though other people have it so much worse than you. Remind yourself that you are loved and needed in this world.

When you have these reminders firmly in mind. Open your eyes and spread that peace and joy throughout your day and around your life. Your life, the good and the bad is yours to live, no one else.

Good Questions Change Everything

I have told myself, and anyone else that will listen, for years that I am bad with people. I tell myself that I would much rather be on my own. If I have the choice between staying home in PJs or going out to meet people you can bet I will stay home. I tell myself that I like it this way but there are times that I feel lonely. I miss having friends to call and text.

I know that most of the beliefs that I am not good with people came from the anxiety. I spent so long worried about what people thought of me it was just easier to pull away. There is still a part of my brain that starts questioning everything I say when I start a conversation. The anxiety tells me that I am a dork and I don’t know what to say. It tells me that I don’t know how to make small talk. With this chatter going on in my head it is no wonder that I have a hard time connecting with people.

The crazy thing is I love to help people! I get so revved up by helping people and seeing them grow and change.

Recently I took Heather Quisel’s Level Up Challenge. If you don’t follow Heather on social media you NEED to, I promise. Go follow her I will wait. Ok everyone back now? In this challenge we looked at the ways we hold ourselves back. One thing that she shared that has stuck with me is that our brain is a problem solving machine. We put a problem in front of it, it will do all it can to figure out that problem.

I keep putting the problem of not being good with people in front of my brain. Why aren’t I better with people? Why am I always saying dumb and embarrassing things? So my brain is always working to figure out those problems. It is working to find examples of why I am not good with people. So any interaction I have my brain analyzes later for examples of what I did wrong.

Heather taught us to ask better questions. Instead ask: how can I become more comfortable talking with people? How can I be more confident in myself? The difference in these questions is incredibly striking. Instead of focusing on negative parts of my personality I’m focusing on how to make good things better.

When I began to focus on the positive questions I felt better. I am not so negative and scared. Instead of being afraid of what may happen I feel energized to try new things. Instead of being afraid of small talk I get excited to try out new skills.

I challenge you to do this with the questions you put to your brain. How can you change your questions to get your brain working for you? What positive questions can you give your brain to begin working?