Tag: mental health blog

Change is Change

Change is change and change is hard. Even when you choose a change it can still be hard to handle all of the emotions that come along with the change. I decided last month that it was time for me to change. So I am leaving a job I have had for almost 19 years, starting a business, and looking for a new job. All of these are choices that I have made and changes that I want but I have noticed that in some ways I have not been handling the changes very well.

I decided that I didn’t want to keep going down this road of stressing about what was coming and instead to take back control of my life and emotions.

One of my favorite ways to take back control is to make lists. I love lists because I can see everything that I need to do. I had a friend tell me yesterday that she calls her agenda her stress agenda. She calls it this because it has everything in it she is stressed about so then she doesn’t need to think about it anymore. I have started calling my list my own stress agenda. Writing things down gets it out of my head and it doesn’t keep circling and making me worry more.

Another tool you can use is to talk to someone you trust. My son and I were talking the other day about what was bothering him. He knew what he needed to tell himself to deal with the stress but he just needed a sounding board to get the feelings out. Sometimes just getting the words out gets the stress out of your mind. You are then able to move forward with whatever you need to do.

Taking care of yourself physically is also important when you are under stress. Sugar and caffeine can make your body bounce between high and low energy throughout the day. This can make it more difficult to deal with stress because your emotions are all over the place. As much as I would rather eat chocolate I know that when I am struggling it is the time to nourish my body with good food. I am not 100% at this but I am getting better. I can definitely feel a difference when I am eating good food because my body feels better.

Remember that stress is just a feeling. You can let it come and go quickly through your body. Today I caught myself saying I am so stressed. I stopped and told myself, I am feeling stress and it will pass. I was able to let the stress pass through me instead of holding on to it. Just because you are feeling something doesn’t mean you have to keep holding on to it. Hold on to the positive feelings and let the negative ones pass through your body.

Finally, get enough sleep. Take a nap when you can. Let your body rest when you are feeling overwhelmed. Even a 5 minute rest listening to peaceful music will help to reset your brain to deal with the stress.

Change is change. Change good and bad can cause stress in your body. Knowing how to take care of yourself can help to deal with the negative effects of stress. How do you take care of yourself when you are feeling stressed?

Teens Need Our Help

Our youth are being bombarded with more stress and trauma than at any other time in history. When I was a kid I was bullied but I was able to go home and be safe. Now with cyber-bullying they can’t get away from the bullies. When I was a kid, school and work place shootings were a rarity. Now schools have school shooting drills. When I was a kid pornography was something in magazines you had to be brave enough to buy. Now pornography can be found with a few simple clicks of the mouse.

Our children are facing all of this and more daily but I feel that we are not giving them the tools they need to succeed. Teen suicide rates are increasing but we are too afraid to talk about it. The mentality still is that if we mention suicide people will be more likely to die by suicide. This isn’t true. When I was a Crisis Text line counselor we were taught to ask every texter if they were thinking about suicide. We need to be more comfortable talking about suicide.

As I listed earlier our youth are dealing with things that we never had to handle. They need our help. We need to be more comfortable talking about mental health. Our kids don’t know how to get through hard times. We need to be more comfortable letting our kids be uncomfortable. They need to know that they are strong enough to handle hard times. They need to be given the skills to get through the hard things.

They need to know that it is OK to ask for help. Too often as kids we see adults as being perfect and not having any problems. Kids need to know that we struggle, get help and become stronger. We don’t need to burden them with every bit of our struggle but when they see us seeking help it is easier for them to ask for help.

Our youth need us to listen to them. They need to know that they are important and that they matter. If you are a teen or a parent of a teen needing help I will be putting together a class to help strengthen teens, Comment below or message me and I will keep you updated on the class.

What is Self Care?

Have you heard about self care? What do you think self care is? Do you practice self care? From a lot that I read many people believe that self care is all about going to the spa, taking baths and generally pampering yourself.

I believe that is part of self care but self care is so much more. Self care is setting yourself up to take the best care of yourself. It is meal prepping so that you have healthy food to eat throughout the week. It is cleaning your house weekly so that you can feel comfortable. It is exercising even when you don’t feel like it because you know it will help you feel better. Self care is doing the hard things that you may not want to do so that you can feel better.

How did self care get so twisted around? I think it is because when people think about taking care of themselves they think of the nice things that feel good to do. Meal prepping isn’t fun but having healthy food ready for the week sets you up for success. Eating good food consistently will also help you feel better more often.

Self care is also learning what experiences or people will trigger you to feel off. When you know what may set you off you are better able to make a plan to deal with those triggers. I recently had an experience that in the past would have put me in a tailspin. Because I have been working to strengthen and understand myself I didn’t react like I would have in the past. This is part of self care.

I will never pass up a spa day but I am not going to put off taking care of myself today. Self care is more about creating a life you love. What do you consider self care that someone may not have thought of?

When to Stop.

I have been obsessed with people pleasing lately. Not so much doing it but trying to figure out why making other people happy is so important to me. Sometimes my brain gets like this, I get hyper-focused on one thing. Honestly, it is crazy annoying.

I love to figure out why and how. I love to know why I do the things I do. And I love to know how to fix the things I don’t like that I do.  That is why I focus so much on my thoughts because I know that when I do I can catch an anxiety attack before it happens. Because I pay close attention to myself I know how to combat the anxiety.

But at times all of this attention backfires and I really start annoying myself. Because I have been hyper-focused on people pleasing, I have been trying to figure out how to stop it. So then I pay really close attention to how I am interacting with other people. Am I doing this to make them happy? How are they reacting? Do they look happy? How do I know when she is happy with what I do? How will she react? What are they thinking about me?

Right now I just need to stop. All of the focus is just making me more annoyed and more focused on people pleasing. Most of the time I know that focusing on my thoughts helps me to stop the crazy. But this time I think the focus is making more crazy. Sometimes just stopping the thought makes more of a difference.

From now on when it comes to people pleasing I am done trying to figure it all out. When the thoughts come I am going to shut them down. Maybe less focus will make the issue smaller.

Hi my name is Janna…

And I am a people pleaser.

I have spent YEARS trying to make everyone happy. Twisting myself into what I thought other people wanted is what caused the majority of the anxiety. I constantly try to figure out what other people will expect and then figure out how I can meet that while I do all of the other things that people want.

I just want people to like me.

It hasn’t mattered if I like me. It hasn’t mattered if I am doing something I enjoy as long as I know the people around me like me.

I am changing.

I know that making people like me is my Achilles heel. So I pay attention to how I am reacting to people. I am reaching out more to make friends. I pulled away from everyone for a long time because it was too hard to continue to be everything to everyone. Now I am working to figure out how to be friends with people without making them like me.

I think I am doing better. I am happy to have friends over. I am learning how to do small talk. (Which is not easy for this introvert!) I follow my husband’s example with how to talk with people. I am even reaching out to people more.

The one thing I still hate to do is tell someone no.

I still try to do everything that I am asked to do. Espically when the person asking never asks for help. I want to do everything to be able to serve them. But sometimes I just have to say no. I am learning that saying no doesn’t mean the other person is going to hate me. They may be disappointed and it may cause them to have to do more work. But if it does cause them to hate me then they weren’t a real friend to begin with.

Letting someone be disappointed in me is tough. But I am learning that I am tougher. I have learned that when I do need to say no I feel the disappoint that I can’t help them. It is so important to feel my feelings. If I just push them away then they come back stronger in a panic attack. I remind myself that I am still a good person even if I couldn’t help them. I remind myself that they are not angry with me although they may be disappointed. But I am not responsible for how they feel, I can’t control their feelings. If the feelings are very strong I will journal them to get them out. Then I go and do something else to get my mind off the disappointment.

If you are a people pleaser I challenge you to step back just a little bit. (I was going to challenge you to go say no to someone but that may be too big of a challenge to start with.) Let your kids do something for themselves, don’t answer that text as soon as it comes in, take 5 minutes just to breathe and collect yourself before heading in to work. Taking tiny steps back from people pleasing will help you to take better care of yourself.

I would love to hear what you did today to take a step back from people pleasing!

Be Kind

I saw this meme on my Facebook feed today and I have to share it! I have to share it because I know that I am not always gentle and kind to myself. I say things to myself that I would never say to other people. Are you the same way?

I shared on a live yesterday how I have been down the last few days. Nothing in particular just not feeling the best. When this happens I automatically start judging myself and trying to figure out why I feel bad. I am going to tell you a secret though. Sometimes we just feel bad. There isn’t a reason and there isn’t anything we need to fix to “make it better”. Sometimes you just have to ride out the storm.

The one thing not to do is to start judging yourself for how you are feeling. This is where I run into problems. When I start feeling bad and I can’t figure out why I start putting myself down. My go to negative thought, “You have a wonderful life why do you feel down? You don’t have any right to feel down. There are people who have really hard lives nothing like yours.” It is true that there are people who have to live through horrible things but this isn’t a contest. It is depression and sometimes it breaks through all of the things I do to take care of myself. And sometimes it is just a bad day and I feel down.

When I talk down to myself it makes the downward spiral even worse. It makes what would have been a bad day into something much worse.

All of this to say, Please just be kind to yourself. Love who you are right now. Reach out for help when you need it. More people are struggling than you think, you don’t have to be perfect.

Deadlines don’t Matter

Have you set your New Year’s Resolutions? Do you set goals at the beginning of a new year? What do you think of goal setting?

I sometimes get overwhelmed with goals. It can feel too overwhelming trying to figure out all of the steps to achieve the goal. Also, what happens if I can’t reach the goal in the time I have given myself? Does that mean that I have failed again with a goal? Sometimes I don’t set goals just so I don’t have that feeling of failure.

I follow a woman on FaceBook named Heather Quisel. She was taking about goal setting and achieving your goals. She said that not reaching your goals doesn’t mean that you failed. You can’t know how long it will take to achieve a goal until you start.

She encourages people to have a deadline for a goal so that you give yourself a timeline to work on. However, until you start working you don’t know how long it will take to write your book. You have no idea how long it will take you to make excercise a constant in your life.

I love this idea because it takes all of the pressure off of setting goals. It changes the way I feel about reaching a goal. Instead of putting myself down for not achieving something I know that I can revamp my goal and keep working.

What are your trick and tips for achieving goals? I would love to hear your ideas.

How do you want to boss yourself?

I was listening to a podcast about building a business, unfortunately I don’t remember which podcast it was, but the guest was talking about being the boss. She was referencing how we often treat other people differently than we treat ourselves. She asked, “How do you want to boss yourself?”

I have been thinking about this question for weeks. I think this has applications to so much more than just business. How do you want to boss yourself when it comes to your goals? How do you want to boss yourself when it comes to family traditions? How do you want to boss yourself when it comes to your mental health?

I know that I give other people so much more grace than I give myself. If I am struggling with something I am hard on myself. I feel that I must figure things out right away and then do that thing perfectly. As Jeffery Holland has said, “Except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in morality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call ‘toxic perfectionism.'”

Toxic perfectionism is when we get so wound up in being perfect we forget why we are trying to make the change in the first place. It is easy to think that we want perfection or nothing. However, when we have this mindset any roadblock becomes more than we can handle. Instead of an experience to learn from it becomes a failure that we are stuck to.

As we come to the beginning of a new year it is a common time to set goals. Then if we start to falter from those goals we beat ourselves up for not doing better. When this negative self talk begins ask yourself, “Would I talk like this to my best friend?” If not it is time to stop talking like that to yourself. You can be honest without tearing yourself apart. You can evaluate your performance honestly while giving yourself grace. I encourage you to ask yourself, “How do I want to boss myself.” Then make needed changes if you aren’t bossing yourself like you would someone else.

I hope that as you go into this new year you will give yourself grace. I hope that you will let yourself fail and learn from it. I hope that you will love yourself enough to not need to be perfect.

Happy New Year! Here is to 2020!

Mindset – Scarcity or Abundance?

When my husband and I were first married we lived 9 miles away from the closest grocery store. And it was a small grocery store. We were 26 miles away from the closest Walmart. It took at least 20 minutes to drive round trip, to the little grocery store, if I forgot anything. To make sure I always had all of the groceries I might need I made a weekly list, I checked the staples to see if we were running low. I checked and rechecked to make sure that we had everything we may need for the week. My sister laughed at me whenever she came to visit because our fridge was always packed.

Fast forward almost 20 years. We now live within 3 miles of 2 different Walmart’s. I still make the weekly grocery list and I still worry trying to decide if we need more milk or if it will run out before the next grocery trip. Will I have enough eggs or should I get more?

What does this have to do with mindset? Just like I get stressed about making sure I have enough groceries I don’t always recognize the talents and abilities I have. Instead of focusing on all of the great things I can do I hyper focus on the things I don’t know how to do. I worry that there isn’t enough for me.

I having been learning about the abundance mindset. This is where you believe that there is enough for everyone. There is enough wealth, happiness and respect for everyone. Just like I don’t have to worry and stress about having enough groceries, believing that there is enough for everyone makes a huge difference.

So how do you change your mindset to focus on what is available instead of what you are lacking? One thing is to practice gratitude. Having just come through the Thanksgiving season I have tried to remain focused on all of the wonderful blessings I have been given. Focusing on the things, people and places we are grateful for helps shift our mindset to abundance and opportunity instead of focusing on all the things we lack.

Another way to change your mindset is to focus on growth. Instead of staying where you are find ways to grow your mind, talents or experiences. You can start a hobby just to learn something new. Listen to a podcast or read a book that stretches your mind to the possibilities of life. I personally love David Goggins and the things he teaches. He challenges me mind and my way of thinking.

Being open to trying new things is another way to help yourself grow. This one is probably the hardest for me. I love my world and I love things to be predictable. But there isn’t growth in staying the same. There isn’t a chance to learn if I never try something new. The stimulation that you get from the fear of trying something new helps to propel you forward.

Always being focused on what you are missing only amplifies all of the things you don’t have. To truly grow and change focus on all the possibilities and opportunities you have in your life. And try something scary.

Minimalism and Thoughts

People are getting rid of stuff! There are more books coming out about the minimalist lifestyle. (Which I think is kind of ironic.) Less is more seems to be the mantra.

As I have been thinking about this it of course leads me to the idea of getting rid of beliefs that don’t serve you. The belief that you aren’t good enough. The belief that you have to be perfect. The belief that no one would like the “real” you. You know the one that you don’t show to people because it is too scary. Any negative belief that isn’t helping you to live a positive life.

I was reading “Bouncing Back from Rejection” last night. The author of the preface mentioned that our brains are not wired for positive thoughts. Our brains are wired to find the negative because that is what kept us alive. We had to find what might kill us quickly. We had to be able to identify what may get us kicked out of the tribe before we got kicked out.

We don’t have to be so focused on the negative anymore. So how do we change the way we think? First off, we have to know what we are thinking about. If we don’t pay attention to our thoughts we can’t change them. Our brains are always working to make sense of the world. It is interpreting data as we go about our day, that is how we can drive to work without remembering how we got there.

If we let our brain drive us it will seek out all of the negative. When we start paying attention to our thoughts we are able to better control them. Once you start paying attention to what you are thinking about you can then tell your thoughts where to go.

I remember a saying from Brigham Young, “If you have a negative thought about yourself tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from.” Although this is funny it is true. When we have those negative thoughts they need to be kicked out. Challenge the thought; is it true? Does it describe what really happened? How do I know that it is true?

Once you have challenged the thought it is time to re-frame it. If it is completely false you toss out the thought. If part of the thought is true you rewrite it in your mind. I did say something rude to my mom but I apologized and we worked through it. I am not going to worry about it anymore.

After you rewrite the thought or you are ready to toss it out, you need to replace it by focusing on something else. If you simply rewrite the thought and don’t replace it with something else you will continue to focus on that thought. You can use a saying, a mantra, song lyrics or a scripture to distract yourself from the negative thought. This way it has less power over you and you can move on.

As you continue through these steps each day it gets easier. You will more quickly focus on the positive. And you will be able to accomplish the goals you have set in your life. If you would like more focused help on changing your thoughts please contact me here. I would love to work with you.