Tag: depression

This isn’t 100% True

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I bombed that test, I am such an idiot.” or how about, “I am so embarrassed I said that to her, I am so horrible with people no wonder I don’t have any friends.”  If you have you have been guilty of emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when you take what you are feeling and tell yourself that how you are feeling is how you are.

Most people will do this on occasion but they don’t stay stuck on the thought. However, if you are experiencing anxiety you take this thought and continue to build on it until you have convinced yourself that you are horrible and deserve the panic attack.

What can you do to fight against the emotional reasoning? First you need to pay attention to the things you are thinking about. Once you do that you can start fighting back against them. One technique I just learned about is to write down the thought then list every reason why this thought is not 100% true.

This technique is great for a couple of reasons. I love to write things down because seeing things in black and white makes it so much easier to see the truth. Also, by writing down all of the reasons why something is not true you are reminded of the good things and you can fight the anxiety.

Let’s take my thought of saying something embarrassing and not having any friends. As I begin to find reasons why this isn’t true I remember that in line at the store last week I struck up a conversation with the person in front of me so I write that down. Then I remember that we had friends over for dinner last month so I obviously have friends so I write that down. As I remember each experience I am reminded of another one.

Once I have a few reasons why that thought isn’t 100% true I can put the bad experience into perspective. I did say something embarrassing but no one is perfect. They probably don’t even remember it. If they do bring it up I can apologize and laugh it off.

After you have done this a few times you can start to combat the negative thoughts in your mind without needing to write them down. Although, I still write some of them down just to get them out of my head. Being able to fight against the negative thoughts of anxiety gives you back the power of your life. When you try this technique I would love to hear how it works for you!

Clean Out that Closet!

I love, love, love Marie Kondo’s show Tidying Up on Netflix. It is so relaxing to watch because Marie Kondo is so sweet and kind to the people she meets. I love how excited she gets when she sees a messy drawer she can clean out. I especially love to see the change that comes over people as they deal with all of the stuff they have collected.

This weekend I, finally, took some time to clean out the bookcases in our living room. I love books and I collect them like baseball cards. Because of this I have two bookcases filled with books, more overflowing onto the floor and some even stashed under my bed. I love having all of these books but to be honest it was a mess! (Plus I run a library I do have access to plenty of books.)

I hated to have people see this mess and since it was in our front room anyone coming over saw the monster. Also, it is a mental burden to know I have all of these books I haven’t read. As I went through all of the books choosing which ones to keep I felt the load of having too much begin to lift off my shoulders. I was able to fit all of my books into the two bookcases.  They are now organized and the kids can find extra paper and notebooks.

As I was hauling the boxes out to my car to donate I felt like I was ready to take on more. I felt like it was past time to go through my closet. I also felt more in charge of my life. Sometimes just getting rid of old stuff can help you feel so much better. Maybe that is why Marie Kondo is so happy, she doesn’t have any old stuff to pull her down.

Do you have some old stuff to get rid of? Are you ready to clean out the old beliefs in your brain that aren’t serving you? Now is a great time to start working on changes you have been thinking about. Choose one thing you know would make a difference in your life and start there. You will find that one thing has a snowball effect on the rest of your life. And if I can help to make these changes I would be honored to help.

Shrinking Depression

“Depression thrives in secrecy but shrinks in empathy.” Reyna I. Aburto

It has taken me years to talk openly about my experience with depression and anxiety. For too long I was worried about what people would think and how they would judge me. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or not good enough. I didn’t want people to think I couldn’t handle something because of the depression. But the more I kept quiet the bigger the depression became. The more I tried to hide the less I could connect with other people.

It is still scary to open up because not everyone understands the truth about depression. They think that just faking happiness will make depression go away. I have been slighted because I take medication. But I keep talking because there are people that need to hear that it does get better. I keep talking because depression shrinks in empathy.

I keep talking because there is that one person that needs to hear that I have been there and it does get better. They need to hear that there isn’t anything wrong with taking care of your brain. They need to know that going to therapy is a normal part of life.

I want others to know that they are not alone. As we traverse this life experience the more we band together the stronger we each become. I refuse to hide anymore. I refuse to be ashamed because my brain doesn’t work the same as other’s. I refuse to stay silent because someone doesn’t think medication is necessary. I will continue to tell my story because the more that people can understand the truth the more empathy we can build.

 

Lessons from the Cello

“Sometimes only pain heals.” From Dorothy must die by Danielle Paige

Last year during the second semester my 12 year old son started playing the cello in the school orchestra. The only lessons he had were from the orchestra teacher, who is excellent. However, she is only one person and couldn’t watch every single student to be sure they were using the correct technique.  I knew he needed a private teacher but I was dragging my feet finding someone.

Finally, in August we found a private teacher. The first few months of lessons were awful. My son had bad habits he had to break and he became very frustrated. He felt like he couldn’t play the cello anymore. The teacher knew that to play the cello long term my son had to change his habits. The teacher also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but he knew in the long run it was what my son needed.

Now three months after starting private lessons my son can do the basics correctly and without having to think about what he is doing. Post lesson time is no longer filled with anger and frustration. But he had to go through the pain and frustration to get to this point. (And don’t tell him but there will be more times when he gets frustrated with new things on the cello.)

To change the way that we feel and act we have to go through the pain of healing and growth. So much of life requires us to do hard things. It requires us to go through the pain so that we can get better. The choice is ours we can choose to stay the same or we can choose to do the hard things to become better.

My son wanted to quit private lessons because it was too hard. I could have let him because it was a lot of work to talk him down from the frustration. But I knew if I just helped him stick it out a little bit longer he would get through the hard part. He would see that what he was learning was important and needed. He would be able to see the progress he was making and the pain would be easier to understand.

I knew that change would happen in a few weeks time. I don’t know how long it will take you to get over the pain, depression, anxiety, abuse, PTSD or any other struggle you may be going through. But I know that you will get through it. Nothing lasts forever. And when you go through that pain. When you feel all of it. When you take the time you need to to heal, you don’t have to feel the pain anymore.

But if you choose to not feel the pain. If you choose to distract yourself with food, drugs, TV shows, work or anything else you will never get through to the other side. The pain will always be in the background.

The choice is always ours to make. If you are ready to change and would like some help please contact me. I would love to help and support you in this change. Whether you choose to work with me or not I hope that you choose the pain. I hope you choose to take care of yourself so that you can heal. I hope you always remember that you are worth the pain and work. I hope you remember that you are a child of God and He is there helping and supporting you.

Here’s to going through the pain!

The sloth life

I should have been born a sloth. It’s true there are days I hate moving! I had a short run of a mile and a half and it took me 20 minutes just to work up the energy to go get changed. Changing the toilet paper roll annoys me some days and we all know how easy that is!

I told my son that I should have been a sloth and he said, “then you would have to pop through your skin.” My response? “At least I wouldn’t have to move.”

But I wasn’t born a sloth and I have dreams and goals so that means I do have to move. To help myself I have decided on a new course of action: Do it now and stop thinking about it.

Instead of wasting time and mental energy thinking or whining because I have something to do I just do it! Get it over with then I can either relax because I got my work done or move on to the next thing. Once I start moving it is easier to keep moving.

Because I went for my run this morning it was easier to get this post written. Now I am on a roll and will go practice my scales.

Is there something you have been putting off because it seems too hard? Or you just don’t want to do it? Start now! I promise you are wasting more mental energy thinking or worrying over it than it will take to do. I know because I do the same thing. Just stop thinking and go do that thing!

Excuse me I have scales waiting for me…

When life is HARD.

The other day my youngest son had made some plans that he was fired up about but then they fell through at the last minute. I knew that he was sad about what happened but he was trying not to show it.

As we were driving home I asked him a few different questions to try and get him to tell me how he was feeling. (Sometimes getting an eleven year old boy to talk about his feelings is a challenge.) Finally, he said to me, “Mom are there times when you feel bad about something but you feel bad about feeling bad because other people have it so much harder?” Oh yes my son all. the. time.

I knew what he was feeling. He was feeling blessed because of the wonderful life he has but also feeling bad for the plans that had fallen through. I told him, “Other people having a harder time doesn’t make what you are feeling any less hard.” Life hurts no matter how wonderful of a life you have been blessed with.

There were so many times in the middle of the depression that I felt guilty because I had so much and yet felt so terrible. I thought about all of the moms around the world that couldn’t feed their children, I thought about the dads that couldn’t provide a safe home for their families. And you know what happened? I felt worse, the guilt was overwhelming. It took me a long time to learn the lesson that the suffering of others didn’t make my suffering any less. I still hurt and I still struggled no matter what others were experiencing.

We often talk about how we shouldn’t compare what others have to what we have because it takes away the gratitude for what we do have. I also think that we shouldn’t compare the bad things we go through with the bad that others have to go through. When we do this we don’t let ourselves feel the pain of our own struggle. When we don’t completely feel the pain of our own struggles we are less able to feel empathetic to others. When we don’t feel our own pain we can’t heal it. Just as we shouldn’t compare our good we shouldn’t compare our bad either.

Does that mean that we should build a house and live in our pain and disappointment? No, it is something to go through not a place to live. By feeling and going through my pain, I was able to learn and grow. I am now better able to reach out and help others. I am more able to feel others’ pain and help them carry that pain.

Take a minute and breathe. Remind yourself that what you are feeling and experiencing is not going to last forever. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel bad when things don’t work out the way you wanted, hoped, and prayed for. Remind yourself that it is OK to hurt even though other people have it so much worse than you. Remind yourself that you are loved and needed in this world.

When you have these reminders firmly in mind. Open your eyes and spread that peace and joy throughout your day and around your life. Your life, the good and the bad is yours to live, no one else.

What if?

 

austin-neill-308608-unsplashWhat if someone laughs at me?

What if no one talks to me?

What if my hubby doesn’t come home?

What if I lose my job?

I read somewhere that we should explore all of the What If questions in our life. In the article they were talking about the fun things. Their what if questions were more: what if I get the job? What if I take that class? What if I write that book? What if I start that business?

Unfortunately for too long my what if questions were the first ones you read. I was so worried about the bad things that might happen I didn’t have space in my brain left to think about the good questions. But I am learning that our brains are problem solving machines. So the questions we put to our brains they will focus on and figure out.

By putting so many negative questions to my brain it kept focusing on those questions and figuring them out. I was caught in a negative downward thought spiral. But I had all of my bases covered. I knew what I would do if my hubby didn’t come home. I have planned his funereal more than once. I knew what I would do if I lost my job. I figured out how to handle someone not liking me.

But I also lived in constant negative thinking. And trust me that is exhausting. When you are constantly scanning your life and your brain for the negative you will find it. So how did I change? By fighting against the negative spiral I was in. And trust me it is a fight I still have to contend with to this day.

When I have negative thoughts I scan them for truthfulness. Did I say something mean to my children? If so then I apologize. If what I said needed to be said but the delivery was wrong. Then I apologize. If what I said was correct and said in the way it needed to be said then I let it go. I tie a balloon to the thought and I let if float away.

Once that thought is gone I replace it with a positive thought or experience. Something I am looking forward to doing, something nice that was said to me, anything that is positive. My mind is never empty and if I don’t fill it with positive things the negatives will take over.

Now I focus on positive What ifs instead of the negative ones. I want my brain to figure out how to make the positive What Ifs true. Because of that my life is changing into what I want it be instead of what I am afraid it will be. What is one way that you will change your life into what you want it to be?

Why I exercise…

maria-fernanda-gonzalez-461521-unsplash (1)Last week I wrote about taking medication for depression and anxiety.  If you missed it you can read it here. I wrote that piece to help open up the dialogue around taking medication for mental illness.

But taking medication is not the only thing that I do to take care of myself. This week I am starting a series on tools that I have used to overcome anxiety and depression. Today we are going to talk about everyone’s favorite answer to any health question: eat right and exercise.  I know I know I hate this answer but it really does work.

First what we put in our bodies, because this the hardest for me. I love chocolate, I love any food that I don’t have to cook (which probably means it is full of butter and cream because yumm), I love Dr. Pepper especially if it is Sonic Dirty Dr. Pepper. As I was working to find answers about what to do for the anxiety I kept reading about caffeine. I dare you to google caffeine and anxiety.

You will get lists of pages that talk about the link between the two. On WebMD there is an article about this link called Brewing Trouble. Dr. Roland Griffiths a PhD professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine said, “People often see coffee, tea, and soft drinks simply as beverages rather than vehicles for a psychoactive drug. But caffeine can exacerbate anxiety and panic disorders.”

The problem being is that caffeine is a stimulant and if you are “predisposed to anxiety disorders, caffeine can trigger a spiral of sensations–sweaty palms, a pounding heart, ringing in the ears–that leads to a full-blown panic attack.” Says Rebecca A. Clay the author of Brewing Trouble. As someone that has anxiety I know that it is a very short step from the caffeine making me more alert to being anxious because of the stimulation.

So I made the decision to stop drinking sodas and it did help.  I was then able to recognize the physical symptoms of anxiety without the added stimulation from caffeine. To be completely honest I have gone back to drinking some soda, however, it is a very small amount. I think I gross out my husband sometimes because I can drink one can of soda over a couple of days. I don’t know why I don’t mind drinking warm flat soda. I know it is weird.  

If you are having problems with anxiety I would encourage you to decrease the amount of caffeine you drink. By cutting out that stimulant it will help to decrease the amount of anxiety symptoms you have.

Now my favorite part: EXERCISE! Honestly I never thought that I would love to work out as much as I do. I was fairly active as a kid I never participated in sports but I danced and did drill team. As I got older I would run or work out off and on.

As the anxiety was getting more and more out of control I started P90X with Tony Horton. I love that man! He said one thing that I still focus on when my thoughts start to get out of control, “Do your best and forget the rest.” Everyday when I did a workout I felt a little bit better. I could think clearer and I felt my mood lift. I know now that after you work out your body releases endorphins which are the feel good chemicals in your brain. So every time I work out I know that I am giving my brain a little boost.

In a Harvard Health Letter updated April 2018 Dr. Michael Craig Miller said, “For some people it (exercise) works as well as antidepressants, although exercise alone isn’t enough for some with severe depression.” The Mayo clinic has also found that “exercise helps ease the symptoms of anxiety. It may also help keep depression and anxiety from coming back once you’re feeling better.”

I have done a few different things when it comes to working out. As I said I have done P90X, I run and I have started back to lifting weights with a trainer. I don’t always want to go workout but after I do I feel so much better. I remember reading a book by a runner that moved his family to Africa (I don’t remember the country or the name of the book sorry!) to train with the long distance runners there. One day his son asked him before he left for a run, “Daddy why do you like to run?” The author explained, “I didn’t really know what to tell him because before a run you really don’t like to do it. After is when you feel really good about running.”

I think that is true about any type of exercise. Beforehand you really don’t want to do it because you know it is going to be hard. But after you feel so good for doing that hard thing. And the endorphins!

Being aware of what I put into my body and moving my body has been a huge help to overcoming anxiety. I know it is hard because change always will be. Any small step you take to treating yourself better will help yourself to feel better. What one thing will you do today to treat yourself better? Do it, you deserve it!

Medication is not a bad thing

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I take medication for anxiety and have for a few years now. I have taken medication on and off since my twenties. It helps me to better regulate my emotions and thoughts. It helps me not feel so overwhelmed with life.

I know that my brain doesn’t always work right. I know I need help with getting my emotions and feelings to the base line most people live with on a regular basis. The one thing I don’t understand is why some people believe that taking medication for a mental illness is a bad thing.

The stigma surrounding taking medication for a mental illness is devastating. I think this stigma causes too many people to not get the help they need. Leading to more problems and pain for them and their families.

I am grateful that as mental illness becomes better understood and talked about church leaders are helping their followers to understand that seeking help is a good thing. Jeffery R. Holland an Apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has said:

“If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation”.

I remember when this talk was given at a General Conference (which is the world wide gathering of our Church) in 2013. I gave a huge sigh of relief because he told all of the people in the church that it is okay and important to get help out side of prayer for mental issues.

As Christians I think that many times we feel that we should be able to overcome any emotional problem with prayer. We have faith that God will take away our mental problems if we are just good enough. Although I do know that God can heal us I also know that God expects us to use everything at our disposal to get to that healing He wants for us. I also know that sometimes that healing will not come in this life and that is okay. I will continue to do all I can to become healed.

I also think we feel guilty for being depressed or anxious because of all the blessing we have in our lives. I shouldn’t feel bad because I have a wonderful family, a safe warm home and friends that love me. But mental illness doesn’t care what you do or don’t have it can come to anyone.

I know that taking medication has saved me and my family. I will continue to fight to breakdown the stigma surrounding taking medication. Because I believe to will save other people and other families.

So the next time you hear or know or are told that someone one know is taking medication celebrate them. Let them know you are proud of them. Know that they are taking care of themselves. Let’s support and love each other.