Tag: anxiety tools

Using Questions to Change Your Life

I love questions! I ask a lot of questions and always have. I think I was one of those annoying toddlers that asked why every 5 seconds. I love to know why. I love to know why something works the way it does, why someone choose the path they choose, I especially love to know why someone thinks the way they do. I have learned that questions can change your life but you have to ask them correctly.

When I am experiencing a panic attack too often the first question I ask is “Why is this still happening to me?” This question doesn’t do anythng to help me stop the panic attack. All it does is make me feel worse because I am frustrated and upset about having a panic attack. If I instead ask, “What was I thinking about before the panic attack started?” I can begin the process of ending the panic attack.

If I am having a problem communicating with a friend I can ask myself, “What is wrong with me?” Putting all of the focus and the blame on my shortcomings. If I instead ask, “What choices am I responsible for that lead to this problem?” The focus is off of my shortcomings and what I think I did wrong and instead focusing on problem solving to fix whatever may have happened.

In these two examples you can see how different questions can be. One type of question we can use to put ourselves and others down. This type of question doesn’t do anything to help solve and problem. They can, however, do a lot to destroy our peace of mind and sense of self.

The second type of question focuses on finding solutions. They also take the focus off being a “bad” person. This type of questions helps us to problem solve and to look at the problem more objectively. Making it easier to find a solution for the issue facing us.

I love questions. But really I love good questions. I love questions that lead me to change and joy. I love when I can help others to change their questions to better serve them. Do you have a negative question you have been asking yourself? How could you change it to a postive question? If you need help I would love to help you, comment or message me and I will help you change your questions!

Be Uncomfortable

I am always on the look out for new ways to deal with anxiety. I hate the anxious uncomfortable feeling that comes when I am doing something new or difficult. I want to find the magic cure that will make it so I never have to feel that way again. I think I have finally found it!

The cure? Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. There is a new book out called “Needing to know for sure”. In this book the authors discuss how to get out of the loop of always checking on things or always having to do more research before you make a decision. Basically they are teaching how to stop the anxiety cycle.

I have not read the book yet but I am excited to find out more. They have a four step process for dealing with anxiety. The second step is to embrace the feeling of uncertainty. For most of my life I have been trying to figure out how to calm the feeling of uncertainty. I want to feel confident and unafraid. As a child I would get so scared when my parents were gone I would make all of my siblings go to the neighbors house, often late at night, just so I could be reassured by an adult. (Everyone had to come so that nothing bad would happen to the ones left at home.)

During the worst of the anxiety I would call my husband at least once a day so that I could get reassurance from him that everything is OK. I wanted him to calm me down so that I didn’t have to keep feeling so uncomfortable. And it would work for a little bit but then something else would happen and I would need to check in with someone to calm me down.

Seeking for constant reassurance actually increases the need to seek for reassurance. Because you feel calmer for a little while your brain convinces you that seeking for help is the only way to calm yourself. That is why step two of this program is so important. Learning to be uncomfortable for a little while actually decreases the number of panic attacks faster than seeking reassurance.

In this new book they teach that getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a key to moving forward with anxiety. Going forward even though you feel scared teaches the brain that there isn’t anything to be afraid of. The brain can’t tell the differences between a true threat and one that we imagine. That is why when we feel afraid the gut reaction is to run. That is why we seek reassurance.

However, when the threat is not actually something that will kill us we have to learn how to feel the fear. To do this acknowledge to yourself that you are feeling afraid or uncomfortable. You don’t have to pretend you are feeling fine when you aren’t. As you know I love lists so I make a list of why I am feeling afraid. I love to write the list down because it helps me get it out of my head instead of dwelling on it.

Then I announce, sometimes out loud, that I am afraid but I don’t care I am going to do this thing anyway. Then I remind myself that I have survived every panic attack I have had and this time will not be different. I may not like the way it feels but I can survive it so bring it on. Then I get busy. I do something to distract my brain, especially, if what I had been worrying about was a made up stress scenario.

I am not very good at feeling the fear yet. I have been stress eating to distract myself from the fear. But I have been trying. Will join me in feeling the fear?

Good Questions Change Everything

I have told myself, and anyone else that will listen, for years that I am bad with people. I tell myself that I would much rather be on my own. If I have the choice between staying home in PJs or going out to meet people you can bet I will stay home. I tell myself that I like it this way but there are times that I feel lonely. I miss having friends to call and text.

I know that most of the beliefs that I am not good with people came from the anxiety. I spent so long worried about what people thought of me it was just easier to pull away. There is still a part of my brain that starts questioning everything I say when I start a conversation. The anxiety tells me that I am a dork and I don’t know what to say. It tells me that I don’t know how to make small talk. With this chatter going on in my head it is no wonder that I have a hard time connecting with people.

The crazy thing is I love to help people! I get so revved up by helping people and seeing them grow and change.

Recently I took Heather Quisel’s Level Up Challenge. If you don’t follow Heather on social media you NEED to, I promise. Go follow her I will wait. Ok everyone back now? In this challenge we looked at the ways we hold ourselves back. One thing that she shared that has stuck with me is that our brain is a problem solving machine. We put a problem in front of it, it will do all it can to figure out that problem.

I keep putting the problem of not being good with people in front of my brain. Why aren’t I better with people? Why am I always saying dumb and embarrassing things? So my brain is always working to figure out those problems. It is working to find examples of why I am not good with people. So any interaction I have my brain analyzes later for examples of what I did wrong.

Heather taught us to ask better questions. Instead ask: how can I become more comfortable talking with people? How can I be more confident in myself? The difference in these questions is incredibly striking. Instead of focusing on negative parts of my personality I’m focusing on how to make good things better.

When I began to focus on the positive questions I felt better. I am not so negative and scared. Instead of being afraid of what may happen I feel energized to try new things. Instead of being afraid of small talk I get excited to try out new skills.

I challenge you to do this with the questions you put to your brain. How can you change your questions to get your brain working for you? What positive questions can you give your brain to begin working?