Tag: anxiety blog

When life is HARD.

The other day my youngest son had made some plans that he was fired up about but then they fell through at the last minute. I knew that he was sad about what happened but he was trying not to show it.

As we were driving home I asked him a few different questions to try and get him to tell me how he was feeling. (Sometimes getting an eleven year old boy to talk about his feelings is a challenge.) Finally, he said to me, “Mom are there times when you feel bad about something but you feel bad about feeling bad because other people have it so much harder?” Oh yes my son all. the. time.

I knew what he was feeling. He was feeling blessed because of the wonderful life he has but also feeling bad for the plans that had fallen through. I told him, “Other people having a harder time doesn’t make what you are feeling any less hard.” Life hurts no matter how wonderful of a life you have been blessed with.

There were so many times in the middle of the depression that I felt guilty because I had so much and yet felt so terrible. I thought about all of the moms around the world that couldn’t feed their children, I thought about the dads that couldn’t provide a safe home for their families. And you know what happened? I felt worse, the guilt was overwhelming. It took me a long time to learn the lesson that the suffering of others didn’t make my suffering any less. I still hurt and I still struggled no matter what others were experiencing.

We often talk about how we shouldn’t compare what others have to what we have because it takes away the gratitude for what we do have. I also think that we shouldn’t compare the bad things we go through with the bad that others have to go through. When we do this we don’t let ourselves feel the pain of our own struggle. When we don’t completely feel the pain of our own struggles we are less able to feel empathetic to others. When we don’t feel our own pain we can’t heal it. Just as we shouldn’t compare our good we shouldn’t compare our bad either.

Does that mean that we should build a house and live in our pain and disappointment? No, it is something to go through not a place to live. By feeling and going through my pain, I was able to learn and grow. I am now better able to reach out and help others. I am more able to feel others’ pain and help them carry that pain.

Take a minute and breathe. Remind yourself that what you are feeling and experiencing is not going to last forever. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel bad when things don’t work out the way you wanted, hoped, and prayed for. Remind yourself that it is OK to hurt even though other people have it so much worse than you. Remind yourself that you are loved and needed in this world.

When you have these reminders firmly in mind. Open your eyes and spread that peace and joy throughout your day and around your life. Your life, the good and the bad is yours to live, no one else.

Good Questions Change Everything

I have told myself, and anyone else that will listen, for years that I am bad with people. I tell myself that I would much rather be on my own. If I have the choice between staying home in PJs or going out to meet people you can bet I will stay home. I tell myself that I like it this way but there are times that I feel lonely. I miss having friends to call and text.

I know that most of the beliefs that I am not good with people came from the anxiety. I spent so long worried about what people thought of me it was just easier to pull away. There is still a part of my brain that starts questioning everything I say when I start a conversation. The anxiety tells me that I am a dork and I don’t know what to say. It tells me that I don’t know how to make small talk. With this chatter going on in my head it is no wonder that I have a hard time connecting with people.

The crazy thing is I love to help people! I get so revved up by helping people and seeing them grow and change.

Recently I took Heather Quisel’s Level Up Challenge. If you don’t follow Heather on social media you NEED to, I promise. Go follow her I will wait. Ok everyone back now? In this challenge we looked at the ways we hold ourselves back. One thing that she shared that has stuck with me is that our brain is a problem solving machine. We put a problem in front of it, it will do all it can to figure out that problem.

I keep putting the problem of not being good with people in front of my brain. Why aren’t I better with people? Why am I always saying dumb and embarrassing things? So my brain is always working to figure out those problems. It is working to find examples of why I am not good with people. So any interaction I have my brain analyzes later for examples of what I did wrong.

Heather taught us to ask better questions. Instead ask: how can I become more comfortable talking with people? How can I be more confident in myself? The difference in these questions is incredibly striking. Instead of focusing on negative parts of my personality I’m focusing on how to make good things better.

When I began to focus on the positive questions I felt better. I am not so negative and scared. Instead of being afraid of what may happen I feel energized to try new things. Instead of being afraid of small talk I get excited to try out new skills.

I challenge you to do this with the questions you put to your brain. How can you change your questions to get your brain working for you? What positive questions can you give your brain to begin working?

Prayer has changed me

One thing that anxiety has brought me that I am most grateful for, is better prayers. I love to listen and feel when people truly pray. I love the spirit and peace that is brought into a room and a heart when a person shares their faith through prayer.

Honestly, I have never been good at prayer. I have had a hard time quieting my mind enough to feel a connection to God when I pray. I often feel that I repeat the same thing all of the time or that I am just repeating a long list of things I want. It feels like I am just writing a letter to Santa.

To combat the anxiety I have learned how to quiet my mind, how to slow down my thoughts, and to really think about what I am doing in the moment. Meditation has helped in doing this. I have also learned to change my prayers.

The other night I found myself praying over and over again: please just fix this, please just fix it, please just take this away. This has been a common prayer in my life. I sob and beg for the Lord to just change me and take all of the anxiety and depression away. When I start to go down into the spiral I just want it gone. As I knelt there my thoughts and prayers changed.

I remembered that I am an adult and I can choose the way I act. I also know that the depression and anxiety will probably never completely go away. So I started to change my prayer. I asked to be made stronger, to be able to handle the down days. I asked to know what else I need to learn from the anxiety and depression. I asked to know what is the next thing I need to do to overcome the anxiety.

Although, I didn’t magically change, answers didn’t start dropping from heaven, my attitude changed. Instead of just praying to be changed in an instant I was reminded that this life is a marathon not a sprint. When I choose to partner with the Lord in changing my life the change I was begging for begins. As I changed my prayer from begging to listening I was able to open my heart to communication from God.

Nothing in my life will change until I make a change. I may still have some of the begging prayers. But instead of feeling forgotten by God I remember that He wants to work with me. Healing will come. As we work together toward that healing I am learning and changing more than if the Lord just took away the anxiety. Although I don’t love having anxiety I am grateful that it has led me to a better relationship with my Father.

You are an adult

janko-ferlic-174927-unsplashIn my daily life I run a small library. This summer there is a conference lasting a few days held at a college just a few miles from my house. They are asking all participants to stay in the dorms. But it is just a few miles from my bed. I’m not sure I really want to stay in the dorms. My bed is just a few miles down the street.

I was talking with the consultant from the Commission for Libraries (that is a state agency that helps the libraries in Idaho). I told him about having to stay at the dorms and I’m not sure I wanted to go.

That is when he told me “You are an adult. You can leave if you want to.” It felt like a light bulb went on in my head. I am an adult I can choose. There are so many things I can choose instead of just letting it happen.

I can choose the way I act instead of just reacting. Yesterday my youngest was upset because he had a horrible day. No matter what I said he was upset and determined to stay that way. Instead of getting upset myself I backed off and let him have some time to work through his feelings. Once he was ready we talked about his day and his feelings. Because I choose to act I felt better and we were able to connect.

I can choose the way I think. For too long I believed that whatever thought came into my mind was true. I entertained way too many negative thoughts that I should have challenged. Now I know that a thought is just a thought. I choose whether that is something I want to keep in my life or if I want to get rid of it.

I choose the type of life I want to have. I get to choose what I focus on and what I work towards. I get to choose to be grateful for what I have or focus on the lack. I get to choose if I enjoy the time I have with my family or feel sad because it is all changing.

Guess what? You can choose your life also. You don’t have to wait for some magic moment. You don’t even have to wait until tomorrow. Today right now you can choose your life. What will you choose?

When to reach out?

Do you ever get overwhelmed with the pain and sorrow in this world? Do you struggle to know how to help family and friends when they are going through difficult times? Does it ever feel like too much? Yes, yes and yes!

I know there are times that feel too much for me. I worry that I won’t be able to offer support or that I by trying to help I will push myself too far. But I am coming to realize that I am stronger than I think and that any small thing that I can do helps relieve pain and sadness.

I worry that when I reach out to help I will say or do the wrong thing and make it worse. I remember reading a story about a woman that felt inadequate to help a friend that was going through a loss. The woman went to the friend’s house to visit but ended up crying with her. When the woman left she felt horrible. She felt like she had made the friend feel worse.

Soon after this she heard from the friend’s daughter that the woman’s visit meant the most to the friend because she was willing to feel the pain, to sit in the friend’s pain. So what can we do when we feel inadequate?

First, know that not saying anything can cause more hurt than trying. Oftentimes when people are going through a difficult time they just want someone to acknowledge that pain. A friend to share the burden can make all the difference.

Second, know that reaching out is about so much more than you. The anxiety made life all about me. As I have been able to grow stronger I have come to realize that people barely think about me. They are focused on and worried about their own problems. Knowing that people are not hyper-focused on my flaws has helped me to be able to reach out more often to others.

Finally, knowing that this life is better lived with others has helped me to reach out. When I get too focused on my own life I get lonely, it gets boring. When I am willing to reach out and make connections not only am I helping others but it also helps me.

I know we can’t solve all of the world’s problems but we can solve some of them. Just by being kind and loving to the people we come in contact with. By reaching out to those people in our lives that are hurting or struggling we can change our corner of the world.

Building a Tribe

tyler-nix-525388-unsplashI have been struggling to decide what to share with you today. So many different things have been running through my head; a book review, how to handle anxiety at work, anxiety vs. the spirit (this one has been on my mind for a long time but I can’t seem to get it right), and how to find and/or deal with a doctor.

But then yesterday we watched Bohemian Rhapsody. To tell you the truth I was not interested at all in watching the movie. I know who Queen is but I am barely a fan and wasn’t sure why a movie was made about them. Then the movie started and I was enthralled from the start.

The life and family that Freddie Mercury built was inspiring. He had parents and a sister that loved him. I am not sure his dad understood or supported him in the beginning. Then Freddie joined a band and began to build his tribe of supporters. The band became his family. He met a woman that stayed with him throughout his life. He went through a time when fame and money become more important to him. But he came back to his family.

He came back to his band and mended those relationships. He came back to his family and received the love his family had for him. I have had this experience on my mind all night. I can’t get it out of my mind because of the bonds he built with others. He knew who actually cared about him and he worked to strengthen those relationships.

These type of bonds are vital to each one of us. It doesn’t matter how many friends or family we have around us but the type of bond we have with them. Are we being authentic and honest with them? Or are we showing them just what we want them to see? This is something that I struggle with every day. I want so much for people to love me that I try to be what they want instead of who I am.

As I have become more secure in myself my relationships with others have become stronger. It has given me a stronger support system for when I am struggling. It also gives me the opportunity to help and support them.

Today take a few minutes to do just one thing to strength the bonds you have with family and friends. You will be grateful you did.

What if?

 

austin-neill-308608-unsplashWhat if someone laughs at me?

What if no one talks to me?

What if my hubby doesn’t come home?

What if I lose my job?

I read somewhere that we should explore all of the What If questions in our life. In the article they were talking about the fun things. Their what if questions were more: what if I get the job? What if I take that class? What if I write that book? What if I start that business?

Unfortunately for too long my what if questions were the first ones you read. I was so worried about the bad things that might happen I didn’t have space in my brain left to think about the good questions. But I am learning that our brains are problem solving machines. So the questions we put to our brains they will focus on and figure out.

By putting so many negative questions to my brain it kept focusing on those questions and figuring them out. I was caught in a negative downward thought spiral. But I had all of my bases covered. I knew what I would do if my hubby didn’t come home. I have planned his funereal more than once. I knew what I would do if I lost my job. I figured out how to handle someone not liking me.

But I also lived in constant negative thinking. And trust me that is exhausting. When you are constantly scanning your life and your brain for the negative you will find it. So how did I change? By fighting against the negative spiral I was in. And trust me it is a fight I still have to contend with to this day.

When I have negative thoughts I scan them for truthfulness. Did I say something mean to my children? If so then I apologize. If what I said needed to be said but the delivery was wrong. Then I apologize. If what I said was correct and said in the way it needed to be said then I let it go. I tie a balloon to the thought and I let if float away.

Once that thought is gone I replace it with a positive thought or experience. Something I am looking forward to doing, something nice that was said to me, anything that is positive. My mind is never empty and if I don’t fill it with positive things the negatives will take over.

Now I focus on positive What ifs instead of the negative ones. I want my brain to figure out how to make the positive What Ifs true. Because of that my life is changing into what I want it be instead of what I am afraid it will be. What is one way that you will change your life into what you want it to be?

What serves you?

If what you’re doing doesn’t serve you; stop doing it. — Rachel Hollis

Such simple advice, right? One thing that I know doesn’t serve me is the way I talk to myself. I am my own worst critic. My hubby was gone over the weekend and when he is gone I watch waaayyy too much T.V.

Saturday night as I was sitting on the couch wasting time I kept trying to talk myself into going to bed. But the way I was doing it was awful. I kept saying things like, “This is such a horrible idea, You are going to be worthless tomorrow. Just go to bed you know you are being a loser.” At first I didn’t even notice what I was telling myself.

But as I started to feel worse and worse I realized what I was doing. I am not sure why I think putting myself down will help me get more done; it doesn’t work. I finally turned off the T.V. and started to bed. As I went I began thinking about the way I talk to myself. It doesn’t serve me.

I am tired of not believing in myself. I am tired of playing small because I am afraid of failing. I am tired of worrying about making other people happy. None of these things serves me.

The only thing I can control is myself. The most important thing I can control are my thoughts. Today I choose to take care of myself. Today I choose to believe in the things I can do. Because that does serve me. Today I choose to speak positively and truthfully to myself. Because that does serve me. Today I choose to be kind to myself. Because that does serve me. Today I choose to push myself a little bit harder. Because that does serve me.

What is one thing that you will give up that doesn’t serve you? What is one thing that you will replace it with that does serve you?

Why I exercise…

maria-fernanda-gonzalez-461521-unsplash (1)Last week I wrote about taking medication for depression and anxiety.  If you missed it you can read it here. I wrote that piece to help open up the dialogue around taking medication for mental illness.

But taking medication is not the only thing that I do to take care of myself. This week I am starting a series on tools that I have used to overcome anxiety and depression. Today we are going to talk about everyone’s favorite answer to any health question: eat right and exercise.  I know I know I hate this answer but it really does work.

First what we put in our bodies, because this the hardest for me. I love chocolate, I love any food that I don’t have to cook (which probably means it is full of butter and cream because yumm), I love Dr. Pepper especially if it is Sonic Dirty Dr. Pepper. As I was working to find answers about what to do for the anxiety I kept reading about caffeine. I dare you to google caffeine and anxiety.

You will get lists of pages that talk about the link between the two. On WebMD there is an article about this link called Brewing Trouble. Dr. Roland Griffiths a PhD professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine said, “People often see coffee, tea, and soft drinks simply as beverages rather than vehicles for a psychoactive drug. But caffeine can exacerbate anxiety and panic disorders.”

The problem being is that caffeine is a stimulant and if you are “predisposed to anxiety disorders, caffeine can trigger a spiral of sensations–sweaty palms, a pounding heart, ringing in the ears–that leads to a full-blown panic attack.” Says Rebecca A. Clay the author of Brewing Trouble. As someone that has anxiety I know that it is a very short step from the caffeine making me more alert to being anxious because of the stimulation.

So I made the decision to stop drinking sodas and it did help.  I was then able to recognize the physical symptoms of anxiety without the added stimulation from caffeine. To be completely honest I have gone back to drinking some soda, however, it is a very small amount. I think I gross out my husband sometimes because I can drink one can of soda over a couple of days. I don’t know why I don’t mind drinking warm flat soda. I know it is weird.  

If you are having problems with anxiety I would encourage you to decrease the amount of caffeine you drink. By cutting out that stimulant it will help to decrease the amount of anxiety symptoms you have.

Now my favorite part: EXERCISE! Honestly I never thought that I would love to work out as much as I do. I was fairly active as a kid I never participated in sports but I danced and did drill team. As I got older I would run or work out off and on.

As the anxiety was getting more and more out of control I started P90X with Tony Horton. I love that man! He said one thing that I still focus on when my thoughts start to get out of control, “Do your best and forget the rest.” Everyday when I did a workout I felt a little bit better. I could think clearer and I felt my mood lift. I know now that after you work out your body releases endorphins which are the feel good chemicals in your brain. So every time I work out I know that I am giving my brain a little boost.

In a Harvard Health Letter updated April 2018 Dr. Michael Craig Miller said, “For some people it (exercise) works as well as antidepressants, although exercise alone isn’t enough for some with severe depression.” The Mayo clinic has also found that “exercise helps ease the symptoms of anxiety. It may also help keep depression and anxiety from coming back once you’re feeling better.”

I have done a few different things when it comes to working out. As I said I have done P90X, I run and I have started back to lifting weights with a trainer. I don’t always want to go workout but after I do I feel so much better. I remember reading a book by a runner that moved his family to Africa (I don’t remember the country or the name of the book sorry!) to train with the long distance runners there. One day his son asked him before he left for a run, “Daddy why do you like to run?” The author explained, “I didn’t really know what to tell him because before a run you really don’t like to do it. After is when you feel really good about running.”

I think that is true about any type of exercise. Beforehand you really don’t want to do it because you know it is going to be hard. But after you feel so good for doing that hard thing. And the endorphins!

Being aware of what I put into my body and moving my body has been a huge help to overcoming anxiety. I know it is hard because change always will be. Any small step you take to treating yourself better will help yourself to feel better. What one thing will you do today to treat yourself better? Do it, you deserve it!

Flood of Love

I am still obsessed with The Greatest Showman. I cannot get over the music This is Me is one of my favorite songs from the movie. (Of course I would say that every song is one of my favorites.) I have been thinking so much about the lyrics to This is Me.

The first verse starts out “I am not a stranger to the dark, Hide away they say, Cause we don’t want your broken parts, I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars”

Every time I listen to this song this first part hits me in the gut. How many of us have been told to hide, to not show a part of them because it is scarred, we believe that no one wants to know about our broken parts?

The ironic part is that each and everyone of us has broken parts. We aren’t perfect. I saw this quote on Instagram from Hannah Marbach “Literally every person is messed up, so pick your favorite train wreck and roll with it.” I giggle every time I read this, because it is so true. We all have problems. So why do we shame each other for those broken parts? Why can’t we treat ourselves and others with more love?

This morning I was reading in Isaiah during my Bible study. In chapter 61:1-2 Isaiah is speaking of Christ and says “he (God) hath sent me (Christ) to bind up the brokenhearted”.  I don’t know how to stop the shame for our broken parts but I do know where to go to be comforted and loved. I love the picture this part of the verse gives me. The picture of Christ sitting with my broken heart. Binding it up and loving it and fixing it. The feeling and knowledge that Christ has experienced all of the pain I have felt. I know that I can go to Him with that pain and he will heal it.

The chorus of This is Me says, “When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out, I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me”.

This is Me so I am going to send a flood of love, acceptance and peace into the world. I am going to send a flood of God’s love into the world. Because This is Me.