Tag: anxiety blog

I Can’t

I am not perfect.

I can’t make anyone happy or make them love me.

I can’t control what others think of me.

I am human, I make mistakes.

I get overwhelmed sometimes.

I want to shut down and be a hermit.

I want to reach out and help others.

I want to support others so they don’t have to hurt.

It is Monday morning as I sit here writing and thinking. We have just returned from an awesome weekend running Ragnar so I am physically tired. I am looking at the week ahead and the things I need to accomplish and I am feeling emotionally tired.

That list I started with is everything that I am feeling right now. The things I know to be true and yet I still try to accomplish. I know that I can’t make other people love me or even like me but there is still a part of me that wants to try. I know that people love me for who I am but I still try to change myself to what I think they want.

I love people and I want to help and support them. But sometimes I feel so tired from being around people that I just need a break. I know that I can’t do everything that I can’t be perfect right now but that doesn’t keep me from judging myself for being human.

So what do I do with all of this? I write. I write down all of the contradictory feelings, I write out all of my feelings, I write until I see that I am heading down the anxiety road again. I keep writing until I start to feel calmer and I can see that all of the stress is just my reaction to life. And then I remember that I have control over all of my reactions.

I get to choose the way that I look at my life. Do you I look and my calendar and get stressed because everything I want to accomplish this week? Or do I look at my calendar and get excited because of everything I want to accomplish this week? The choice is mine. I get to choose what my reaction will be and excitement is so much more fun.

So like I said last week, I am going to love myself through this. I hope you choose love in your life too whatever you may be going through.

Love yourself through it

I saw this post yesterday on Instagram from The Brave Box; which is an eating disorder recovery page I follow. Even if you don’t have an eating disorder I highly recommend following this page. She encourages everyone to accept yourself right where you are now.

This hit me because as I have written about before summer can be a stressful time for me. Everyday I have been cycling between being fine then bam! a panic attack. Every time one hits I chastise myself because I should be beyond them. I shouldn’t have panic attacks anymore because I have come so far. I know so many tools I should be able to stop them before they even start. I should be able to stop them altogether.

Then I saw this quote yesterday, “You can never truly feel at home in a body that you view as temporary.” I view this anxiety thing as temporary as something that I should overcome. What if instead I changed my thought to: this anxiety is part of me and it will always be here? Just typing that out lets me take a deep breathe.

Changing the thought that it is part of me and not something that I need to keep fighting against gives me peace. Does that mean that I am just going to let the anxiety take over? No, I am going to continue to find ways to stop panic attacks. But I am no longer going to look at them as a fault, as something bad about me that I have to fix.

I am going to quit beating myself up because I still have panic attacks. Stress is a part of everyone’s life, unfortunately, my stress comes out as a panic attack. From now on I am going to acknowledge that I am stressed, work to deal with the stress and love myself through the panic attack.

Love myself through the panic attack.

I want that to be a line by itself because it is life changing for me. Every time a panic attack has started I go into fight mode. I try to figure out what is causing it and how to fix it. I try to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can fix it and stop all panic attacks. Instead now I am going to love myself, I am going to love the part of me that is afraid instead of pushing it away.

I think that I will get much further with loving all sides of me than I have with trying to “fix” a part of me. Where can you let down some barriers and love yourself more? What changes will happen in your life as you love all parts of yourself? As Glennon Doyle always says, “Love Wins”. We each deserve love spread it around your life liberally!

Sheepdog Hill

If you follow me on Instagram you saw a picture of me flexing my muscles and bragging about how well I am going to do at the upcoming Ragnar Relay. Ragnar Relay is about 200 miles over the back of the Wasatch mountains run by a team of 12 over about 24 hours. Each person runs three legs averaging between 9-18 miles total. It is fun and weird and stupid all at the same time.

Then this last Saturday my hubby, a friend and I ran what we call Sheepdog Hill. This is a “hill” in our area that is 4 miles from bottom to the top with one thousand foot elevation gain. I was stoked for this run. I was going to kill it! Then we started.

I did not kill this run. I was the last one to make it to the top. I had to walk A LOT! I was so disappointed in myself I started with all of the negative chatter. What is wrong with you? I thought you were doing to do better? I thought you were in better shape. Are you ever going to be able to run this hill?

I was feeling awful about the run and how I was going to do at Ragnar. Then I stopped and asked myself: What would make you satisfied with your runs at Ragnar? This completely changed my outlook.

I am never going to be a crazy good athlete. I don’t have the time or the desire to train all of the time. But I can be proud of the things I do accomplish. I don’t have to be the best, I don’t have to be the one everyone is bragging about. But I can be proud of myself.

As we came down the “hill” I thought about what I wanted to accomplish to feel proud of myself at the end of Ragnar. I want to feel like I worked hard and did my best. This means that I keep running until I can’t. It means that I walk when I need to. It means that I run as hard as I can when I see the finish line. It means I don’t compare my run to anyone else’s. That way when I am done and we are coming home I can say I gave my best.

Not Knowing

“You have to learn to live with the not knowing,” from movie The Finest Hours.  

I wasn’t too excited about watching this movie when it was in the theater but it was the only movie that the boys were semi interested in watching so we went. I was wrong about this movie though, it is incredible!

I was so amazed by the story and everything that the people went through.  But one thing that really hit me is when one of the characters said to the other, “You have to learn to live with the not knowing.” When I first heard this quote I thought of life as a police wife.  As a police wife you have to learn to be ok with late nights, no return phone calls and never knowing for sure what time your husband will be home.

It has taken me  a long time, many tears and planning my husband’s funeral in my head more times than I like to admit, to be ok with not knowing.  I never want to lose my husband but I have come to accept the not knowing of our future in relation to the police world.

As I continued to think about this quote I realized that it referred to much more than just being a police wife.  In all aspects of life we have to learn to live with not knowing. We have to be ok with not knowing if our sick friend is going to be ok.  We have to learn to live with not knowing how things are going to turn out for our kids. We have to learn to live with not being able to control every little thing that may happen.

And more than learn to live with not knowing we need to learn to thrive.  The majority of my anxiety stemmed from not knowing what my future held and trying to make sure I ALWAYS made the correct choice. I thought that if I made the perfect choice I would be saved from fear, sorrow or sadness.  I was definitely not learning to live with the unknown. I wasn’t happy and my family was stressed.

I have come to realize that life is the unknown.  That is the point! How boring would it be if we knew how everything was going to turn out?  What would we have to learn if we knew what choice would bring us all the fame and fortune we ever wanted? How could we grow and develop if life were laid out for us? How would we ever develop faith in God if we didn’t have to rely on Him?

Learn to accept the unknown.  Learn to be excited about the future no matter what it may hold. I know it isn’t easy.  It has taken me a really long time to figure out small ways to learn to be ok with the unknown.  But I know it can be done. Keep reaching for the peace that is inside. The peace that God wants to give. Keep learning how to trust yourself and believe that you really are strong enough for your life. 

Life is so much more enjoyable and peaceful when I’m not trying to control everything. Anxiety tried to teach me that I had to do everything right; that being perfect was the only way to have friends. But what anxiety really taught me was that it is ok to not be perfect that I won’t always be able to control life. And that made all the difference.

Shame, shame, shame

I asked my 12 year old son the other day what I should write about. He said, “Tell people that it is ok to get help. There isn’t any shame in getting help if you have anxiety.” Out of the mouth of babes. (well Tweens)

It is so true. We put so much pressure on ourselves to just be ok. To not ask for help and to do everything perfectly. We feel shame because we suffer from a mental disorder. When we didn’t ask for it or create it. Why is there shame in having a mental disorder but not a physical disorder?  We need to remember that mental disorders are biological not something we choose or caused.

That is why I started this blog, to help fight against the stigma surrounding mental health. To show that you can live an incredible, awesome life even with anxiety and depression. To talk about taking medication and going to therapy and just plain talking about mental health.

I have felt like I have been looked down on because I take medication. Because I wasn’t able to just pull myself up. It bothered me for a little while but then I reminded myself that they don’t live my life. They don’t know what it was like when I wasn’t on medication. They don’t know what my family life was like back then versus how it is now. They don’t know how grateful I am that most of the time I function just like everyone else.

I don’t want to go back to those days where I barely functioned so I take medication. I don’t want to go back to those dark days so when I feel myself falling back down there I go to a counselor. I find ways to deal constructively with the thoughts in my head.

I have also been taking a class to get certified as a life coach. To be honest I wish I had found a coach when I was going through the worst of the anxiety. The tools and ideas I have been learning are life changing. I am so excited to be able to help other people get out of the downward spiral even faster.

As my son said, “it is ok to get help there isn’t any shame in having a mental disorder.” Please just take care of yourself.

Summer Panic Attacks

Panic attacks in the summer surprise me. The majority of the time I don’t have many panic attacks anymore but having them during the summer throws me for a loop. I think it is because I feel that it is summer time so I should be relaxed and ready for anything.

The truth is though that I really like having a routine. I like to have some time in the mornings after the kids have gone to school to put myself together. I like to know where everyone is and what their plan is for the day. This is much simpler to do when all of the kids are in school.

Then I add in that more people will be in the library – which is good – but not the norm for me. I will be taking more time off because it is summer time and vacations – yay! But that throws off my routine. I know, I sound like I want to have the same day over and over again.

Although that does sound enticing I don’t really want it to be the same all the time. I like that I get to interact with more people at work. I like that my boys are home more and I get to hang out with them. I like that we get to see family more and get to know them better.

I just have to remind myself that change makes me uncomfortable. And when I am uncomfortable my body reacts with a panic attack. The most frustrating thing about these panic attacks is that I can’t trace them to a thought. Being able to find the thought that caused the panic is one of the fastest ways for me to end a panic attack. But when life is changing and I just feel uncomfortable I can’t find the one thought that started the panic.

So what do I do? I ride it out. I remind myself that it is common for me to fill uneasy during change. I know that I will settle into a new routine and everything will be fine. I just have to ride out the uncomfortable parts. I remind myself that the more I fight against the panic the worse it gets.

Give me two weeks and all of this change will be behind me and I will wonder what the big deal was. But for now I am going to fill anxious. Excuse me while I go finish this panic attack.

Worry time


I have been thinking about different tools I used to deal with anxiety. One of my favorites is called worry time. The idea is that you have a designated time each day that you set aside for worry. If something comes up that causes you to worry you aren’t allowed to think about it right then. You save that worry for your designated worry time.
I love using this technique because of how effective it is. Whenever I would start down the anxiety spiral I would remind myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. So I would write down my worry and save it for later.
I would usually set my worry time for evening after the kids were in bed. By then I would be so tired that I wouldn’t want to deal with it. So I would throw away my notes for the day and start clean for the next day.
The trick to making this technique work is distraction. You have to be able to distract yourself from focusing on that worry until your worry time. I would usually do this by reminding myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. Because it was usually at work when I would need to distract myself I would focus on something else that needed done.
This distraction technique works wherever you are. You just need to find something else to think about. I would use anything I could; the kid’s schedule, a new book to read, a craft I was working on or one I wanted to start. I just needed anything to distract myself.
Then once your worry time comes you sit and think about everything that is on your list. But you are only allowed to think about it until your worry time is over. You can set your worry time for as long as you like but 10-15 minutes is ideal. Anything longer than this gives you too much time to focus on your worries.
Worry time is one more tool that you can add to your toolbox for fighting anxiety. I would love to hear how this helps you. Please message me or comment below how worry time works for you.

Panic attack at work?!?

I have had more than my fair share of panic attacks at work in my life (although to be honest, I am not sure how many panic attacks is a fair share). It has been an interesting and frustrating experience. I hate showing weakness at work. I feel like I have to be able to handle everything that may come my way. However, there have been days that is just not possible.

So what do I do when I have a panic attack at work? First, deep breathing. Part of the program I found from the Midwest Center for Depression and Anxiety included a recording on meditation. Each day we were supposed to listen to this recording and practice relaxation. The idea being that when an anxiety attack came we could go back to the teachings and relax in the moment of anxiety.

This took me a long time to be able to do. Because I was so entrenched in the anxiety loop it took time to re-train my brain. It is important to remember that change is not instant. I would get frustrated because I wasn’t making the changes I wanted as quickly as I thought I should. I had to remind myself that it took a long time to get this stuck in the anxiety. I had to let myself have the time to climb back out.

Second, I was lucky enough to have someone to call or text no matter what. My husband always answered his phone when I was in the worst of the anxiety.  I didn’t realize until later that maybe he was a little busy at his work. Now I am not advocating long phone conversations on your employer’s dime. That is not good employee behavior.

However, to ward off an anxiety attack there is nothing wrong with taking a quick break and talking or texting a friend. Oftentimes just by doing something to break the cycle of the anxiety I would calm enough to get back to work.

I was lucky enough to have great bosses during this time. I was able to go to them when I need support about something I felt I had done wrong at work.  I know that not everyone is that lucky. You can look for someone at work that can help  support you. Some that you can just say hey today is a rough day and they know what you are talking about. I know that it is hard to make connections when you are struggling. But having those connections is key to handling the anxiety well.

Finally, I would write myself notes. Writing down what I was worrying about would help me break the anxiety cycle. When I would see what I was so worried about in black and white it would help me see that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I often carry a notebook with me just so I can write down worries.

Having a career while dealing with anxiety is difficult but it isn’t impossible. Each day all you have to do is put one foot in front of another. I would love to hear what tips and tools you have used to deal with anxiety at work. Please leave your ideas in the comments.

Oxygen really is vital to life

I had an interesting experience last week. On Wednesday evening I was exhausted but it was worse than I had ever experienced. I was texting with my piano teacher because I needed to change my lesson that week. I was so tired the thought of figuring out a new time was more than I could even focus on.

The next day I had the worst sore throat I had ever experienced. I thought for sure I had strep throat. It hurt to swallow and it hurt up into my ears when I did swallow. I hate going to the doctor but my husband gets strep if he just looks at someone with it. So to save him I went to the doctor.

The good news was that I didn’t have strep but my mucus membranes, throat and lungs were inflamed from all of the allergens. And even better my oxygen level was 94, which I guess is lower than what they like. While I was at the doctor they gave me a nebulizer treatment, afterwords I felt like a different person. My oxygen level was up to 97. When the doctor came back in I asked him about the change. He explained that part of it was due to the medicine in the treatment being a stimulant. The other part was because my brain was finally getting the oxygen it needed.

This made me start thinking about other things in my life that I need. I realized that I was so tired Wednesday because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I didn’t realize that I was missing it until it was gone. What other things in life help me to live a better, healthier life but I don’t notice until they are gone.

I know that getting enough rest is very important to me. I have to have down time at home when I can just relax and not worry about anything. Exercise is another thing that my body needs to feel better. Because of everything going on with my lungs I haven’t been working out for a few days. Although I need the rest and my body needs the time to recuperate I can feel a difference in not working out.

I know that I need time to meditate, (even though I haven’t yet made it 5 minutes without my mind wandering off) study scriptures and pray. This time allows me to reconnect with my God and it reminds me of who I am and why I am here.

These are some of the things that help me to feel better. What do you need in your life to feel more energized? Do you create or make beautiful things? Does spending time with friends and family give you more energy? I would love to know what helps you. If you don’t know what gives you more energy or love for life I would encourage you to search for it.

Pay attention to the things in your life that you crave doing. Spend some time alone pondering what helps you to feel more connected to the world. You will find the things you need to give your life more energy.

I would love to hear what is important to you. Please share it with me in the comments.

The problem is not the problem

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is how you THINK about the problem.”

I remember hearing this quote years ago, probably from my mom ’cause she is smart like that, and I hated it! I probably yelled at her no the problem is I have a problem!

But the truth is how we think about a problem makes all the difference. The last few weeks I have been dealing with sprinkler issues at work. I thought I had the sprinklers on but the water wasn’t turned on. Then I finally got someone out to turn the sprinklers on and he said that all of the valves were open but we weren’t getting water from the city line. I called the city to see if they would come and help and they said that we were getting water in the building so it isn’t a problem they control.

At this point I was done with the whole thing and in tears. I didn’t have a clue what to do or who to ask. I just knew that I was failing at my job, the lawn was going to die and the members of the library board were going to fire me. (Because that is always where my brain goes when I get upset.)

What I was focusing on was not really the problem. Our sprinklers needed water but I was too busy freaking out that I was going to get fired to really focus on how to fix the sprinkler problem.

I got some help and got the city there the next day to show us how to get water to the sprinklers. We had water and a couple of the sprinkler zones turned on while they where there. Only they didn’t turn off until I got there a few hours later and figured out how to turn them off. I thought I knew how to set all the zones and get them working but I couldn’t figure it out.

This time though instead of getting upset and focusing on what doesn’t matter I stayed focused on how to solve the problem. I called my husband and he came out to get everything working correctly.

The only difference between the two days was where I choose to focus my energies. Was I going to figure out how to solve the problem or let my thinking on the problem overwhelm me and not figure anything out?

As much as I hated the saying when I was a kid I try to stay focused on it now: the problem is not the problem. The problem is how you think about the problem. Is there a problem you have been looking at the wrong way? What can you do to change your thoughts and focus on the problem?