Tag: anxiety blog

The Change Cycle

I hate change! I have fought against change most of my life because I like to be comfortable and the here and now is comfortable. I feel like the majority of people feel the same way. We don’t like change. That is why it is so hard to make changes in our lives. It is much easier to stay where it is safe and where we know what to expect. Because of my own reaction to change and the work I have done with clients I have come to realize how change works. Change is coming at us each day. We can choose to fight against it or learn how to deal with it.

The first part of the cycle is “anticipation of change” this is where we know that something is coming. Maybe we are moving, starting a new job or even something as simple as someone coming to visit. All of these are an interruption of our normal lives. Right at this point we have power over our thoughts. Are we going to focus on all of the bad things that MIGHT happen or do we focus on the good things this change will bring? The change is coming. However, we can make it worse or better depending on how we think about the change.

The next part of the cycle is the change has happened. We have moved, started that new job or the visitor is at our house. We are now living in the change. Now we have the choice of how we are going to deal with the change. We have a couple of choices. We can choose to make this a positive change, neutral or  negative change. The first and I think the best choice is to choose to make the most of the change and learn all we can from it. Although this change may be a negative change like an anxiety disorder getting out of control we can still choose to learn and grow from it. 

Or we can choose to live with the change in a state of neutrality. We don’t learn from it but we don’t make it negative either. Although, this choice is not as helpful as choosing to make it a positive change it is not as destructive as choosing to make it a negative change. We just coast along in the change. Finally, we can make the change a negative change. We can become bitter because we are so angry about the change. We complain about the change to ourselves and to anyone that will listen. But we never choose to do anything to make it better. This choice will continue to guide us down a negative pathway that becomes worse and worse the longer we follow this path.

The next part of the change cycle is when we begin to become comfortable with the change. It is no longer exciting or upsetting.  Life begins to settle down again and the change begins to become part of our life. As stated with the change portion we choose whether we are going to look at this change in a positive or negative light. This stage will lay the foundation for how this change will affect the rest of our lives. We get to choose the direction our life will take.

Finally, the last portion of the change cycle is the change becoming the new normal of our lives. The change has happened we are living with it. We have made the choice if we want to be positive or negative about this change and that choice is playing out in our life. If we have chosen to make it a positive change the change has made our life better. We learned something from this change and we are able to use that to help others. Or we choose to make the change a negative change. We didn’t learn anything and instead of helping others we are pushing people away because they don’t want to listen to the negativity anymore.

This cycle continues over and over again. Sometimes quickly in day such as a stupid driver on the interstate cutting us off. That change can take place in a few minutes. Or the change can take place over several years to our entire lives. The change of dealing with an anxiety disorder is something I have dealt with most of my life. 

As I think about the change cycle and using a negative change to bring positive I think of Elizabeth Smart. She was kidnapped out of her bed as a teenager and held for 9 months. When she was finally rescued she had a choice to make. Her mom told her that she could choose to let her captors continue to hold her by living in anger and fear or she could choose to live her life. Elizabeth choose to live her life. She advocates for missing children she now has a family of her own and is changing the world because she choose to make a change a positive one. 

It is examples like hers that shows me that anyone can make a positive out of any change they encounter in life. It is all up to us what we choose to do with the change. I hope you will choose to make a positive change.

Expectations

I want to make sure everyone gets along.

I want to be sure that everyone is happy.

I want to be sure everyone likes me.

I want to help everyone feel comfortable at the party.

I want to help others understand their worth.

This is a list of expectations that I have had for myself at different times in my life. Some of them are doable and good goals. Others are expectations that are toxic for my frame of mind. I have had times when I want to force people to be happy. I don’t necessarily think that when I am in the situation but that is where it goes.

So what do you do when you find yourself with unrealistic expectations? First, you have to recognize that what you are thinking or doing is not reachable. Wanting to help people feel comfortable at a party is doable. You can introduce them around to the other people. You can make sure they have food and that they know where the bathroom is. But needing everyone to get along is an expectation that is toxic. You can’t make people like each other, no matter what you do.

Second, once you realize that your expectations are out of control you can explore why you are so focused on achieving that thing. One of my major expectations is that I want people to get along and be friends, no matter what. When I started to think about this I realized that it comes from being bullied as a teenager. I know what it is like to be on the outside and it is a horrible feeling. Not wanting someone else to feel like that drives me to the extreme of trying to make everyone like each other. It makes me hyper focus on situations when I think people aren’t getting along. And I spend way too much time trying to fix the “problem”.

Finally, spend some time working through the thinking error that is causing the expectation. I have had to learn how to like myself no matter what other people think. I have come to realize that situations that I think need “fixed” the others don’t see a problem. I have had to learn boundaries and know that even if there is a problem unless I am one of the people involved the problem has nothing to do with me. It takes work and at times I still find myself sucked into trying to fix a problem. However, I can work through it much faster than I used to.

We have all learned expectations throughout our lives. The choice is now ours if we want to keep those expectations or not. We can do the work to let them go or we can stay stuck. I hope you choose to let them go.

You Are Strong Enough

“People frequently overestimate the dangerousness of a given situation and underestimate their ability to cope with it.”

Michael Neena and Windy Dryden

I know this is true for me. For years I worried about everything I did and said because I was sure I was doing it wrong. I was sure that I was going to do something that would ruin my life. Not only my life but I would ruin the lives of my family. It would fascinate my husband that I could go from one small mistake to us being homeless. And it would only take me a few minutes to get there.

I also underestimated my ability to deal with the anxiety. When it would start I knew that I had to talk to someone else to be able to to handle it. I would have to tell someone what I was thinking so they could talk me down. They would have to tell me that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. They could convince me to calm down. But I knew that I couldn’t do it myself. I just knew that my thinking was wrong and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was wrong in both situations. The horrible things I imagined were coming never came about. I never ruined anyone’s life. (At least not yet!) I haven’t been fired, put in jail, or lost our house because I lost my job. No one has told me that they hate me since 8th grade. Even when I made mistakes I was able to fix them. The horrible things I imagined only came true in my mind.

But I was able to handle every single one. I was stronger than I thought I was. And each time I handled the anxiety I became stronger. I still have anxiety issues. There are days that the anxiety kicks up but it is nothing like it used to be. I may feel nervous or anxious about what is happening but it isn’t overwhelming.

The bad was never as bad as I thought it would be. And I was always stronger than I thought I was and so are you. Don’t give up. As you keep trying and overcoming you will becoming stronger. The dark days won’t last but you will!

Lessons from the Cello

“Sometimes only pain heals.” From Dorothy must die by Danielle Paige

Last year during the second semester my 12 year old son started playing the cello in the school orchestra. The only lessons he had were from the orchestra teacher, who is excellent. However, she is only one person and couldn’t watch every single student to be sure they were using the correct technique.  I knew he needed a private teacher but I was dragging my feet finding someone.

Finally, in August we found a private teacher. The first few months of lessons were awful. My son had bad habits he had to break and he became very frustrated. He felt like he couldn’t play the cello anymore. The teacher knew that to play the cello long term my son had to change his habits. The teacher also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but he knew in the long run it was what my son needed.

Now three months after starting private lessons my son can do the basics correctly and without having to think about what he is doing. Post lesson time is no longer filled with anger and frustration. But he had to go through the pain and frustration to get to this point. (And don’t tell him but there will be more times when he gets frustrated with new things on the cello.)

To change the way that we feel and act we have to go through the pain of healing and growth. So much of life requires us to do hard things. It requires us to go through the pain so that we can get better. The choice is ours we can choose to stay the same or we can choose to do the hard things to become better.

My son wanted to quit private lessons because it was too hard. I could have let him because it was a lot of work to talk him down from the frustration. But I knew if I just helped him stick it out a little bit longer he would get through the hard part. He would see that what he was learning was important and needed. He would be able to see the progress he was making and the pain would be easier to understand.

I knew that change would happen in a few weeks time. I don’t know how long it will take you to get over the pain, depression, anxiety, abuse, PTSD or any other struggle you may be going through. But I know that you will get through it. Nothing lasts forever. And when you go through that pain. When you feel all of it. When you take the time you need to to heal, you don’t have to feel the pain anymore.

But if you choose to not feel the pain. If you choose to distract yourself with food, drugs, TV shows, work or anything else you will never get through to the other side. The pain will always be in the background.

The choice is always ours to make. If you are ready to change and would like some help please contact me. I would love to help and support you in this change. Whether you choose to work with me or not I hope that you choose the pain. I hope you choose to take care of yourself so that you can heal. I hope you always remember that you are worth the pain and work. I hope you remember that you are a child of God and He is there helping and supporting you.

Here’s to going through the pain!

The Light Will Come Back

This past weekend the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was held. This means that we got to have church at home. We got to stay in our pjs and eat and be fed by the spirit. The Prophet, Apostles and Leaders of the church all spoke.

This weekend filled my spiritual cup in a way that has not happened for many years. For years after conference or any church meeting when someone said, “That was so wonderful wasn’t the spirit so strong?” I couldn’t agree with them. I couldn’t feel what they had felt. Usually what I felt was fatigue. Fatigue from trying to hard. Fatigue from wanting to feel that I was doing the right thing but not quite feeling it.

Fatigue from depression and anxiety weighing my heart down in a manner that made it almost impossible for me to feel the spirit. This weekend, though, was completely different. I could feel the Holy Ghost again speaking to me. I could feel the spirit reassuring me that I was on the correct path. I could feel the truth that all I have to do is my best.

So if you are in the position I have been for years. Hold on the light will come back. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do overcome depression and anxiety. Do the things that make life better for you. Let the judgments of others roll away to the garbage where they belong. Remind yourself that Christ loves you. Remind yourself that you are a child of God.

The light will come back, the peace of the Spirit will return, the joy of serving God will light your life again. Just please hold on!

Mental Filter

Have you ever gone out with friends and you are having a great time then you knock over your cup of water? Or maybe say something that causes your friend to feel bad? I have.

The important question is how do you deal with it after the fact? Do you make a big deal about the little mistake? Do you convince yourself that your friend will never speak to you again? Or that you have to apologize for half an hour before they will forgive you? I do.

This thinking pattern is called Mental Filtering. It is where you hyper-focus on one aspect of an event; the spilled water or the misstatement. You convince yourself that the evening was a disaster because of the mistake you made. You know that your friends will never want to go out with you again.

To combat this thinking error you have to train yourself to look at the big picture. Instead of looking at this one moment think about the entire evening. Did the water get on anyone? Did it ruin any food? How did your friend react when you misspoke?

You might have hurt their feelings but how did the evening go after you apologized? Someone might have gotten wet from the spilled water but their clothes will dry. How did the rest of the evening go?

I know that it can be hard to zoom out and take a big picture look at the events. I want to fix everything and make sure that everyone is happy with me so I am very good at hyper-focusing.  However, hyper-focusing on something distorts what we see.

When you are learning how to zoom out you may need to ask for help from others. Check in with a friend to see what they thought of the evening. Ask if they even remember what you said or did. Most of the time when I have done this the other person doesn’t even remember what I am talking about. It is amazing how something so huge to me doesn’t even register to someone else.

I would often ask my husband if I needed to apologize about something. Because I always felt like I needed to apologize I wasn’t sure if I really needed to or if it was just my filter. Asking his opinion helped me to learn when I really needed to apologize. It also helped me to see the big picture and not be so focused.

When you find yourself focusing on the bad remember to look at the big picture. Remember what you are focusing on isn’t the whole picture. Remember to zoom out and ask for help to see the whole picture.

Mind Reading Part 2

Last week I started a new series about thinking errors with mind reading. If you didn’t see that post you can read it here. We can cause ourselves no end of anxiety when we think we know what other people are thinking. Well mind reading can also cause problems when we think other people should know what we are thinking. (lots of thinking in that paragraph!)

I have had times where I am in the middle of a panic attack and I think it is written all over my face. My head feels like it is about to explode so of course everyone can tell. Surely they can see that I am just about to lose my mind. But guess what they can’t!

Just like I can’t tell what other people are thinking they can’t tell what is going on inside of me just by looking. They can’t tell that I am just about to explode so don’t give me one more thing. Do you know what that means?

That means we have to tell people when we are having a hard time. That means that we have to ask for help. That means that when we are just about to lose our minds we need to talk. I know that reaching out can be the scariest part when you are struggling. But there are people that will listen with love.

We can reach out to our friends and family. People that we know will listen and respond in a kind way. The loved ones that will support us and help as we figure out the next step. You can even reach out to strangers on the internet. I am here whenever you may need help.

But just like everyone else I can’t read minds. So please be brave and say you need help!

 

Dumb Enough to Believe

The fire in my heart is to support and encourage people to believe that they can accomplish their goals. I heard a quote from Dave Ramsey that really struck me he said:

My parents told us we could do anything. And we were dumb enough to believe them.

I was glad I wasn’t driving when I heard this quote. Because I stopped in my kitchen to think about what he said. He was talking about his parents and the way they raised him and his siblings. His parents continually told him that he could do anything – and he believed them.

I know that I haven’t always been the type of person that thought anything was possible. I spent YEARS afraid of everything. I tried to hide the fear from my kids and encourage them to go and experience life. And now I am starting to believe what I have been telling them.

I can see the amazing things that are out in the world. I can see that it may be scary to start something new but it is exhilarating too.  It can seem overwhelming and confusing trying to figure out what to do next but it is exciting to take a step into the new.

What have you been thinking about trying? What would you like to change about your life? What excites you? I would love to hear! And I would be thrilled to help you on this journey. You can reach me by contacting me here.

Let’s be dumb enough to believe that we can accomplish anything!

Mind Games

Everything in life is a mind game! Whenever we get swept under by life’s dramas, large and small, we are forgetting that no matter how bad the pain gets, no matter how harrowing the torture, all bad things end. That forgetting happens the second we give control over our emotions and actions to other people, which can easily happen when pain is peaking.

-David Goggins

Can't Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds

This quote stopped me in my tracks. Everything is a mind game! That means that I get to choose how I will handle every challenge that comes my way.

David Goggins is a retired Navy SEAL. This quote from his book “Can’t Hurt Me” is when he is discussing Hell Week from the Bud/S training. He realized that the guys that were giving up were quitting because they had given away the control of themselves to other people.

This got me to thinking how often I give control of myself to other people. When I am driving and someone cuts me off, or when someone says something rude about my hair. If I let those people bother me I am giving them control and when I give them control I lose the power over myself.

The more I think about this the more I realize how often I have given away my power. When I want something yummy to eat just to help me feel better. When I want someone else to tell me I did ok. When I want people to like me no matter what. I am giving away my control.

I don’t like the feeling that I have given other people or things power over my life. This is my life and I only get one chance. Only I have the power to make my life what I want it to be. I am choosing each day the things I do how and I will act. It feels good to choose instead of giving away control.

(I highly recommend this book but there is a lot of language.)

Stutters and Anxiety

When my oldest was little he had a stutter. It wasn’t bad but we were able to get a speech pathologist through school. He worked with her for a few years practicing how to slow down his speech and think about what he wanted to say before he tried to say it. Most of the time you can’t tell now that he ever had a stutter.

One thing the speech pathologist said that I have never been able to forget is that they could cure his stutter but to do that they would have to make him deaf. The reason is that a stutter is an issue with what people hear not with how they talk. I still don’t understand why that is but I can’t get it out of my head.

How many times do we want things to change but for the change to happen something worse must happen first. For years I have wanted the anxiety to go away completely. I want to be like everyone else that can go about their days without any worry. I have to come realize though for that to happen I would probably need a lobotomy.

I think a lobotomy is way worse than dealing with the anxiety. I have worked hard to get where I am today. If I had been handed a “cure” I probably would have taken it but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That is the other thing about going through hard things: we get to learn and develop. And if we choose to we can become better.

I have become kinder to others that are struggling. I am more patient with myself. My testimony and understanding of Christ’s Atonement has become stronger.

Whatever you may be struggling with right now I hope that you know that you can handle it. It is going to be hard and it is going to hurt. But you are tough and you will come out of it even stronger.

My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and a grace that saved my life. Word Porn