Tag: anxiety blog

Dealing with Travel Anxiety

A few weeks ago I flew to Palm Springs to attend my sister’s wedding. I was excited to see her and my family and to have some sunshine during a very gloomy few weeks here in Idaho. One thing I knew I would have to deal with is travel anxiety. It has been a long time since I flew and even longer since I did it by myself. I was nervous about being on my own but over the weekend I came up with a few tips to help myself and hopefully others when traveling.

One of the most important things to remember about anxiety is that no one else knows you are nervous. Although it feels like the anxiety is shooting out of your body and everyone should be able to tell you are freaking out they really can’t tell. My family are the only ones that have an idea that I am having an anxiety attack. So don’t worry about what other’s may be thinking, it really doesn’t matter anyway.

As much as you can while you are traveling get in some movement. If you have time between flights walk around. Being able to move your body will help to work some of the nervousness out. Plus it is good for you and helps when you have to sit for long periods of time in cramped space.

I always bring way too many things with me to “work on”. I have finally gotten a smaller purse that I can’t carry books and my lunch in. But when I travel I carry a lot of stuff. I have a notebook for writing down thoughts I want to get out of my head. I bring a project I am working on, usually a crochet project. The repetitive motion helps to calm me and I have something besides my own thoughts to occupy me. I always have lotion and essential oils with me. My favorite right now it tangerine. You can see why I usually carry a big purse. Oh and of course something to read. Having a Kindle has drastically reduced the size of my bag.

Finally, when I have gone on long trips I have brought notes with me. I have notes from family and friends that I bring to remind myself that I am loved and that I don’t need to believe the negative thoughts. If you need a letter like this please message me. I would love to send you a letter to help strength you.

The trip was wonderful. The wedding was beautiful. I was able to enjoy myself and I made every flight I needed to. Although it is scary to do something out of my normal routine it is good for me too. It reminds me that anxiety doesn’t control me.

Change is Change

Change is change and change is hard. Even when you choose a change it can still be hard to handle all of the emotions that come along with the change. I decided last month that it was time for me to change. So I am leaving a job I have had for almost 19 years, starting a business, and looking for a new job. All of these are choices that I have made and changes that I want but I have noticed that in some ways I have not been handling the changes very well.

I decided that I didn’t want to keep going down this road of stressing about what was coming and instead to take back control of my life and emotions.

One of my favorite ways to take back control is to make lists. I love lists because I can see everything that I need to do. I had a friend tell me yesterday that she calls her agenda her stress agenda. She calls it this because it has everything in it she is stressed about so then she doesn’t need to think about it anymore. I have started calling my list my own stress agenda. Writing things down gets it out of my head and it doesn’t keep circling and making me worry more.

Another tool you can use is to talk to someone you trust. My son and I were talking the other day about what was bothering him. He knew what he needed to tell himself to deal with the stress but he just needed a sounding board to get the feelings out. Sometimes just getting the words out gets the stress out of your mind. You are then able to move forward with whatever you need to do.

Taking care of yourself physically is also important when you are under stress. Sugar and caffeine can make your body bounce between high and low energy throughout the day. This can make it more difficult to deal with stress because your emotions are all over the place. As much as I would rather eat chocolate I know that when I am struggling it is the time to nourish my body with good food. I am not 100% at this but I am getting better. I can definitely feel a difference when I am eating good food because my body feels better.

Remember that stress is just a feeling. You can let it come and go quickly through your body. Today I caught myself saying I am so stressed. I stopped and told myself, I am feeling stress and it will pass. I was able to let the stress pass through me instead of holding on to it. Just because you are feeling something doesn’t mean you have to keep holding on to it. Hold on to the positive feelings and let the negative ones pass through your body.

Finally, get enough sleep. Take a nap when you can. Let your body rest when you are feeling overwhelmed. Even a 5 minute rest listening to peaceful music will help to reset your brain to deal with the stress.

Change is change. Change good and bad can cause stress in your body. Knowing how to take care of yourself can help to deal with the negative effects of stress. How do you take care of yourself when you are feeling stressed?

When to Stop.

I have been obsessed with people pleasing lately. Not so much doing it but trying to figure out why making other people happy is so important to me. Sometimes my brain gets like this, I get hyper-focused on one thing. Honestly, it is crazy annoying.

I love to figure out why and how. I love to know why I do the things I do. And I love to know how to fix the things I don’t like that I do.  That is why I focus so much on my thoughts because I know that when I do I can catch an anxiety attack before it happens. Because I pay close attention to myself I know how to combat the anxiety.

But at times all of this attention backfires and I really start annoying myself. Because I have been hyper-focused on people pleasing, I have been trying to figure out how to stop it. So then I pay really close attention to how I am interacting with other people. Am I doing this to make them happy? How are they reacting? Do they look happy? How do I know when she is happy with what I do? How will she react? What are they thinking about me?

Right now I just need to stop. All of the focus is just making me more annoyed and more focused on people pleasing. Most of the time I know that focusing on my thoughts helps me to stop the crazy. But this time I think the focus is making more crazy. Sometimes just stopping the thought makes more of a difference.

From now on when it comes to people pleasing I am done trying to figure it all out. When the thoughts come I am going to shut them down. Maybe less focus will make the issue smaller.

Be Kind

I saw this meme on my Facebook feed today and I have to share it! I have to share it because I know that I am not always gentle and kind to myself. I say things to myself that I would never say to other people. Are you the same way?

I shared on a live yesterday how I have been down the last few days. Nothing in particular just not feeling the best. When this happens I automatically start judging myself and trying to figure out why I feel bad. I am going to tell you a secret though. Sometimes we just feel bad. There isn’t a reason and there isn’t anything we need to fix to “make it better”. Sometimes you just have to ride out the storm.

The one thing not to do is to start judging yourself for how you are feeling. This is where I run into problems. When I start feeling bad and I can’t figure out why I start putting myself down. My go to negative thought, “You have a wonderful life why do you feel down? You don’t have any right to feel down. There are people who have really hard lives nothing like yours.” It is true that there are people who have to live through horrible things but this isn’t a contest. It is depression and sometimes it breaks through all of the things I do to take care of myself. And sometimes it is just a bad day and I feel down.

When I talk down to myself it makes the downward spiral even worse. It makes what would have been a bad day into something much worse.

All of this to say, Please just be kind to yourself. Love who you are right now. Reach out for help when you need it. More people are struggling than you think, you don’t have to be perfect.

Look How Far You’ve Come

This time of year it is common to look forward and plan goals for the new year. I always feel this time of year is kind of negative because we are looking at all of the things we haven’t done and put ourselves down because of it. But this year I would encourage you to look back and see how far you have come.

I was practicing piano the other day (I know another piano metaphor – but playing an instrument teaches you so much about life. If I had know this earlier my kids would have been in lessons at a much younger age.) and I realized how far I have come in being able to play. Usually when I sit down to practice I think about how much more I want to learn and all of the things I am doing wrong.

This time though as I was practicing some church hymns I realized how far I have come. I am able to play a hymn without thinking about it too much. Both hands are moving and I am using the pedal. I am able to work the pedal without having to remember to move my foot. These songs that I didn’t think I would be able to play I am playing. I can’t always play when other people are singing but I am getting better.

How often do we do this? We only look at where we want to go not at what we have accomplished so far. I know people say that what we did yesterday doesn’t matter. But it does matter because it shows us what we can do. It shows that we can learn and grow. It shows us how hard we work. It shows us what we are capable of, so we can continue to progress.

As you begin this new year please take a few moments to look back and see how far you have come. Look at all of the thing you have accomplished. I never thought I would be able to overcome anxiety to live the life I have now. As I look back it amazes me to see how far I have come.

What have you accomplished that amazes you? I would love to hear.

How do you want to boss yourself?

I was listening to a podcast about building a business, unfortunately I don’t remember which podcast it was, but the guest was talking about being the boss. She was referencing how we often treat other people differently than we treat ourselves. She asked, “How do you want to boss yourself?”

I have been thinking about this question for weeks. I think this has applications to so much more than just business. How do you want to boss yourself when it comes to your goals? How do you want to boss yourself when it comes to family traditions? How do you want to boss yourself when it comes to your mental health?

I know that I give other people so much more grace than I give myself. If I am struggling with something I am hard on myself. I feel that I must figure things out right away and then do that thing perfectly. As Jeffery Holland has said, “Except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in morality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call ‘toxic perfectionism.'”

Toxic perfectionism is when we get so wound up in being perfect we forget why we are trying to make the change in the first place. It is easy to think that we want perfection or nothing. However, when we have this mindset any roadblock becomes more than we can handle. Instead of an experience to learn from it becomes a failure that we are stuck to.

As we come to the beginning of a new year it is a common time to set goals. Then if we start to falter from those goals we beat ourselves up for not doing better. When this negative self talk begins ask yourself, “Would I talk like this to my best friend?” If not it is time to stop talking like that to yourself. You can be honest without tearing yourself apart. You can evaluate your performance honestly while giving yourself grace. I encourage you to ask yourself, “How do I want to boss myself.” Then make needed changes if you aren’t bossing yourself like you would someone else.

I hope that as you go into this new year you will give yourself grace. I hope that you will let yourself fail and learn from it. I hope that you will love yourself enough to not need to be perfect.

Happy New Year! Here is to 2020!

Be Comfortable with being Uncomfortable

 

I have been thinking about the importance of being uncomfortable. I wrote about this last week, to conquer anxiety you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. It is too easy to think that to keep the anxiety at bay you have to keep yourself safe. It is better to just stay where you know nothing bad is ever going to happen.

I have been trying something different this week. I have been putting myself in situations that are uncomfortable. Monday night I drove my husband around on some errands. I know this doesn’t sound that uncomfortable but I never drive when my husband is in the car. I don’t love driving and I worry too much about what people are thinking.

We had a family dinner on Sunday. I often get overwhelmed and leave early when in a big group. There are just too many different things happening. On Sunday I did my best to communicate and enjoy my time with family. Even though it was uncomfortable I tried to focus on making memories.

Why am I trying to put myself in situations that are uncomfortable? Because I think this is my next step in combating anxiety. I am tired of being safe just so that I don’t have an anxiety attack. Being uncomfortable helps me to see that I won’t die. Even though I may have some anxiety I am learning that I have control over it. I have learned that anxiety can’t destroy me so it no longer has as much control over me.

I am on a mission to make myself uncomfortable!

Practice with a Purpose

Last week at my piano lesson my teacher was explaining how I should practice. She said that I should not just play through a song hoping I would figure out the parts I was struggling with. Instead, I should practice with a purpose. Meaning that I should find the parts I’m struggling with and work on those either until I get them or I get too frustrated. Then move on to the next part I need to work on.

She said that when you practice with a purpose you progress faster and you more easily learn to play a song. I have been thinking about this advice for the last few days. I know that there are times in life where I just coast through life hoping that I figure it all out. I keep thinking I will work on that tomorrow. I will understand this better latter. The problem is I never really work on that thing I want to figure out.

When I take the time to “practice with a purpose” I more quickly figure out what I have been struggling with. As I have explained before I have struggled with anxiety throughout my life. The last few years I have learned tricks and solutions that have helped my overcome most of the anxiety. However, the last few weeks the anxiety has been flaring up again. The tricks and tips I have been using in the past weren’t working.

Today as I was working to calm myself down I realized I needed to think about the anxiety in a different way. I have always thought of the anxiety as something to control or get over. Instead, I decided that it was something I would need to get comfortable with for the next few months. I am choosing to make changes and try new things in my life and this will trigger the anxiety. Instead of stepping back from my goals I am going to live with the anxiety and use it as a sign that I am moving in the direction I choose.

I stopped just moving through my day and decided to “practice with a purpose” by understanding what was causing the anxiety to flare. Then choosing to live with the anxiety and not to let it control me. How can you use the “practice with a purpose” idea in your own life? I would love to hear your ideas. Please share them with me here.

Minimalism and Thoughts

People are getting rid of stuff! There are more books coming out about the minimalist lifestyle. (Which I think is kind of ironic.) Less is more seems to be the mantra.

As I have been thinking about this it of course leads me to the idea of getting rid of beliefs that don’t serve you. The belief that you aren’t good enough. The belief that you have to be perfect. The belief that no one would like the “real” you. You know the one that you don’t show to people because it is too scary. Any negative belief that isn’t helping you to live a positive life.

I was reading “Bouncing Back from Rejection” last night. The author of the preface mentioned that our brains are not wired for positive thoughts. Our brains are wired to find the negative because that is what kept us alive. We had to find what might kill us quickly. We had to be able to identify what may get us kicked out of the tribe before we got kicked out.

We don’t have to be so focused on the negative anymore. So how do we change the way we think? First off, we have to know what we are thinking about. If we don’t pay attention to our thoughts we can’t change them. Our brains are always working to make sense of the world. It is interpreting data as we go about our day, that is how we can drive to work without remembering how we got there.

If we let our brain drive us it will seek out all of the negative. When we start paying attention to our thoughts we are able to better control them. Once you start paying attention to what you are thinking about you can then tell your thoughts where to go.

I remember a saying from Brigham Young, “If you have a negative thought about yourself tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from.” Although this is funny it is true. When we have those negative thoughts they need to be kicked out. Challenge the thought; is it true? Does it describe what really happened? How do I know that it is true?

Once you have challenged the thought it is time to re-frame it. If it is completely false you toss out the thought. If part of the thought is true you rewrite it in your mind. I did say something rude to my mom but I apologized and we worked through it. I am not going to worry about it anymore.

After you rewrite the thought or you are ready to toss it out, you need to replace it by focusing on something else. If you simply rewrite the thought and don’t replace it with something else you will continue to focus on that thought. You can use a saying, a mantra, song lyrics or a scripture to distract yourself from the negative thought. This way it has less power over you and you can move on.

As you continue through these steps each day it gets easier. You will more quickly focus on the positive. And you will be able to accomplish the goals you have set in your life. If you would like more focused help on changing your thoughts please contact me here. I would love to work with you.

 

What is My Job?

 

Quick reminder: You are not responsible to make other people happy. It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. You do not need to be on high alert to be sure that no one says something to offend someone else.

Sometimes we take so much responsiblity on ourselves to make sure that everyone is happy. I have done this most of my life. But when the anxiety become overwhelming the need to control everything really kicked in.

I had to be sure that everyone around me was happy. I had to be sure that no one was mad. Especially not mad at me. But I had to be on high gear to make sure that no one offended someone else. And if that did happen then I had to fix it.

Guess what? That is exhausting! And it is not my job. It is not up to me to make everyone happy. Not even Disneyland can do that! It took me a long time to learn that lesson. It has taken me even longer to learn how to have boundaries.

It is ok to not be responsible for other people’s feelings. In fact it makes socailizing so much more fun. It takes so much less energy for me to be around people now. I don’t have to spend so much time worrying.

Life is hard enough. Take making other people happy off of your responsibility list. Then you can truly enjoy being around people and getting to know them.