Tag: anxiety

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is next week! I know that Thanksgiving can get overlooked for Christmas, which I am often guilty of doing. (I just love Christmas stuff.) But Thanksgiving is a special time to stop and feel gratitude for all that I have in my life.

Gratitude is an emotion that can change your life and the way you look at it. There was a time in my life that I lived in darkness and fear and I let anxiety rule my life. I never thought that this would be a time that I would be grateful for. But now that I have worked to change, that period of my life means so much to me.

Gratitude matters for each of us. Not only can it change your own life but it can change other’s lives too. Have you ever met someone that has a problem for every solution? They need to hear the gratitude of others. They need to know that there is good in the world. (Even if they find the bad in what you’re telling them!) Eventually they will hear the gratitude.

Gratitude helps to change the way we think. As we continue to look for the good things in our lives our thinking changes. We are hardwired to focus on the negative because that is what kept us alive. However, we can change that, as we focus on gratitude we are able to see more of the positive aspects of life.

Being grateful strengths your immune system, it helps with your communication and helps you become more empathetic. Gratitude increases your mood and how you think about yourself. It is amazing what gratitude can do to change your life. So I would encourage you to focus on gratitude all year long not just during this time.

An attitude of gratitude really does change your life!

 

Clean Out that Closet!

I love, love, love Marie Kondo’s show Tidying Up on Netflix. It is so relaxing to watch because Marie Kondo is so sweet and kind to the people she meets. I love how excited she gets when she sees a messy drawer she can clean out. I especially love to see the change that comes over people as they deal with all of the stuff they have collected.

This weekend I, finally, took some time to clean out the bookcases in our living room. I love books and I collect them like baseball cards. Because of this I have two bookcases filled with books, more overflowing onto the floor and some even stashed under my bed. I love having all of these books but to be honest it was a mess! (Plus I run a library I do have access to plenty of books.)

I hated to have people see this mess and since it was in our front room anyone coming over saw the monster. Also, it is a mental burden to know I have all of these books I haven’t read. As I went through all of the books choosing which ones to keep I felt the load of having too much begin to lift off my shoulders. I was able to fit all of my books into the two bookcases.  They are now organized and the kids can find extra paper and notebooks.

As I was hauling the boxes out to my car to donate I felt like I was ready to take on more. I felt like it was past time to go through my closet. I also felt more in charge of my life. Sometimes just getting rid of old stuff can help you feel so much better. Maybe that is why Marie Kondo is so happy, she doesn’t have any old stuff to pull her down.

Do you have some old stuff to get rid of? Are you ready to clean out the old beliefs in your brain that aren’t serving you? Now is a great time to start working on changes you have been thinking about. Choose one thing you know would make a difference in your life and start there. You will find that one thing has a snowball effect on the rest of your life. And if I can help to make these changes I would be honored to help.

Creation

I have been obsessed lately with creating something. I have been searching Pinterest for a new crafting hobby. I have bought new soft yarn, pens to do hand lettering and material to make Christmas stockings. I want to create something new.

I am convinced I have been obsessed with making something new because of my new venture to be a life coach. I want to create a place for people that are ready to change. I want to make it safe for people to learn about themselves. I want to help them change and overcome whatever may be holding them back.

But I don’t have a clear path forward so I focus on creating things I do know how to do. I can follow a pattern to make a stocking or crochet a scarf. But there isn’t a pattern for what I want to create. And that is scary and really really hard. So I have been distracting myself with all of these other things I can create.

But the distraction means I am not getting closer to my goal and I now have even more unfinished projects in my house. Creation is good and is one of the reason we are here on the earth. I want to start using that power to move forward with my goals.

So no lesson for you today. No take away that will help you in your life. Except maybe this: your goals matter and if they are scary they matter even more. Don’t let yourself get distracted because they may be scary. Create with me!

The sloth life

I should have been born a sloth. It’s true there are days I hate moving! I had a short run of a mile and a half and it took me 20 minutes just to work up the energy to go get changed. Changing the toilet paper roll annoys me some days and we all know how easy that is!

I told my son that I should have been a sloth and he said, “then you would have to pop through your skin.” My response? “At least I wouldn’t have to move.”

But I wasn’t born a sloth and I have dreams and goals so that means I do have to move. To help myself I have decided on a new course of action: Do it now and stop thinking about it.

Instead of wasting time and mental energy thinking or whining because I have something to do I just do it! Get it over with then I can either relax because I got my work done or move on to the next thing. Once I start moving it is easier to keep moving.

Because I went for my run this morning it was easier to get this post written. Now I am on a roll and will go practice my scales.

Is there something you have been putting off because it seems too hard? Or you just don’t want to do it? Start now! I promise you are wasting more mental energy thinking or worrying over it than it will take to do. I know because I do the same thing. Just stop thinking and go do that thing!

Excuse me I have scales waiting for me…

What if?

 

austin-neill-308608-unsplashWhat if someone laughs at me?

What if no one talks to me?

What if my hubby doesn’t come home?

What if I lose my job?

I read somewhere that we should explore all of the What If questions in our life. In the article they were talking about the fun things. Their what if questions were more: what if I get the job? What if I take that class? What if I write that book? What if I start that business?

Unfortunately for too long my what if questions were the first ones you read. I was so worried about the bad things that might happen I didn’t have space in my brain left to think about the good questions. But I am learning that our brains are problem solving machines. So the questions we put to our brains they will focus on and figure out.

By putting so many negative questions to my brain it kept focusing on those questions and figuring them out. I was caught in a negative downward thought spiral. But I had all of my bases covered. I knew what I would do if my hubby didn’t come home. I have planned his funereal more than once. I knew what I would do if I lost my job. I figured out how to handle someone not liking me.

But I also lived in constant negative thinking. And trust me that is exhausting. When you are constantly scanning your life and your brain for the negative you will find it. So how did I change? By fighting against the negative spiral I was in. And trust me it is a fight I still have to contend with to this day.

When I have negative thoughts I scan them for truthfulness. Did I say something mean to my children? If so then I apologize. If what I said needed to be said but the delivery was wrong. Then I apologize. If what I said was correct and said in the way it needed to be said then I let it go. I tie a balloon to the thought and I let if float away.

Once that thought is gone I replace it with a positive thought or experience. Something I am looking forward to doing, something nice that was said to me, anything that is positive. My mind is never empty and if I don’t fill it with positive things the negatives will take over.

Now I focus on positive What ifs instead of the negative ones. I want my brain to figure out how to make the positive What Ifs true. Because of that my life is changing into what I want it be instead of what I am afraid it will be. What is one way that you will change your life into what you want it to be?

Why I exercise…

maria-fernanda-gonzalez-461521-unsplash (1)Last week I wrote about taking medication for depression and anxiety.  If you missed it you can read it here. I wrote that piece to help open up the dialogue around taking medication for mental illness.

But taking medication is not the only thing that I do to take care of myself. This week I am starting a series on tools that I have used to overcome anxiety and depression. Today we are going to talk about everyone’s favorite answer to any health question: eat right and exercise.  I know I know I hate this answer but it really does work.

First what we put in our bodies, because this the hardest for me. I love chocolate, I love any food that I don’t have to cook (which probably means it is full of butter and cream because yumm), I love Dr. Pepper especially if it is Sonic Dirty Dr. Pepper. As I was working to find answers about what to do for the anxiety I kept reading about caffeine. I dare you to google caffeine and anxiety.

You will get lists of pages that talk about the link between the two. On WebMD there is an article about this link called Brewing Trouble. Dr. Roland Griffiths a PhD professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine said, “People often see coffee, tea, and soft drinks simply as beverages rather than vehicles for a psychoactive drug. But caffeine can exacerbate anxiety and panic disorders.”

The problem being is that caffeine is a stimulant and if you are “predisposed to anxiety disorders, caffeine can trigger a spiral of sensations–sweaty palms, a pounding heart, ringing in the ears–that leads to a full-blown panic attack.” Says Rebecca A. Clay the author of Brewing Trouble. As someone that has anxiety I know that it is a very short step from the caffeine making me more alert to being anxious because of the stimulation.

So I made the decision to stop drinking sodas and it did help.  I was then able to recognize the physical symptoms of anxiety without the added stimulation from caffeine. To be completely honest I have gone back to drinking some soda, however, it is a very small amount. I think I gross out my husband sometimes because I can drink one can of soda over a couple of days. I don’t know why I don’t mind drinking warm flat soda. I know it is weird.  

If you are having problems with anxiety I would encourage you to decrease the amount of caffeine you drink. By cutting out that stimulant it will help to decrease the amount of anxiety symptoms you have.

Now my favorite part: EXERCISE! Honestly I never thought that I would love to work out as much as I do. I was fairly active as a kid I never participated in sports but I danced and did drill team. As I got older I would run or work out off and on.

As the anxiety was getting more and more out of control I started P90X with Tony Horton. I love that man! He said one thing that I still focus on when my thoughts start to get out of control, “Do your best and forget the rest.” Everyday when I did a workout I felt a little bit better. I could think clearer and I felt my mood lift. I know now that after you work out your body releases endorphins which are the feel good chemicals in your brain. So every time I work out I know that I am giving my brain a little boost.

In a Harvard Health Letter updated April 2018 Dr. Michael Craig Miller said, “For some people it (exercise) works as well as antidepressants, although exercise alone isn’t enough for some with severe depression.” The Mayo clinic has also found that “exercise helps ease the symptoms of anxiety. It may also help keep depression and anxiety from coming back once you’re feeling better.”

I have done a few different things when it comes to working out. As I said I have done P90X, I run and I have started back to lifting weights with a trainer. I don’t always want to go workout but after I do I feel so much better. I remember reading a book by a runner that moved his family to Africa (I don’t remember the country or the name of the book sorry!) to train with the long distance runners there. One day his son asked him before he left for a run, “Daddy why do you like to run?” The author explained, “I didn’t really know what to tell him because before a run you really don’t like to do it. After is when you feel really good about running.”

I think that is true about any type of exercise. Beforehand you really don’t want to do it because you know it is going to be hard. But after you feel so good for doing that hard thing. And the endorphins!

Being aware of what I put into my body and moving my body has been a huge help to overcoming anxiety. I know it is hard because change always will be. Any small step you take to treating yourself better will help yourself to feel better. What one thing will you do today to treat yourself better? Do it, you deserve it!

It is just a thought

I think about thoughts and thinking ALL OF THE TIME. Why? Because of anxiety. The thoughts I have often lead me into a panic attack where the world is ending and everyone hates me, I am going to lose my job and then we will be homeless because we won’t be able to pay our bills. Yes, it is a joy to live in my brain.

I have learned a few things dealing with panic and anxiety. One of those things is to pay attention to what I am thinking. The first time I heard this advice I laughed. Of course, I paid attention to my thinking that is what gets me into the panic attack. But the truth of the matter is: I wasn’t paying attention to my thoughts until I started feeling upset. THEN I started to listen to what was going on in my brain.

When I began paying attention sooner to what was going through my mind I was then able to lead myself out of the panic attack.

I did this by first writing down what was worrying me. This was a great tip I learned from the book “When panic attacks” by Dr. David Burns. I highly recommended this book for anyone having problems with anxiety. Writing down my worries helps me to see in black and white what it is that I am so obsessed about.

Have you ever had to pick up a few things at that grocery store so you didn’t write them down? Then the entire drive to the store you keep going over and over the list. You feel like you will forget something so you have to keep going over the list. This is how I felt before I started writing down my worries. I felt like I had to keep thinking about them and going around and around and around. Writing them down got them out of my head.

Once I write down the worries I read over them and decide if they are true or not. I often worry about what other people think of me or worry that they are mad at me. My counselor asked me once how I knew if a certain person was mad at me. I said I didn’t know I just worried that they were. He said the only way you can know if they are mad or not is to ask them. Oftentimes I am overly sensitive so what I think is a nonverbal clue that someone is mad is actually something entirely different.

Now if I think someone is mad at me I ask. (Yes it sounds like I am in middle school but it helps!) Or I ask how they are feeling or how their day went. These questions give me more clues to what is actually going on. By asking these questions I can also find out if what I think is true or not.

Once I know if the thought is true or not I can move on to the next step. If the thought I am having is true it is now up to me to decide if I want to fix the problem or not. If the thought is that my husband is mad at me, I have asked him and the thought is true. It is then up to me to find out if this is something I can or want to fix. Is he upset because of something I did? Is he mad because of his commute? Was work really hard that day and he needs time to unwind?

If it is something I can and want to fix then I work at fixing whatever the problem may be. If it is not something that I can or want to fix then we get to the hardest part of the plan: letting the thought go. Ben Abbott said, “It’s like running a marathon, it’s simple because all you have to do is run until you cross the finish line. But it is not easy.”

I love this quote because letting the thought go is simple but it is not easy. Some of the ways I have let thoughts go is to distract myself with something else. I think about what is for dinner, what I need to do for my job at church, I think about what my kids have coming up. The other way I let thoughts go is to simply take a deep breathe and say OK anxiety if you are coming come on. You aren’t a lot of fun and I hate dealing with you but you haven’t killed me yet and you won’t this time so do your best.

Although this plan sounds counter intuitive it works for me. By telling anxiety to bring it on I remind myself that anxiety hasn’t killed me, that I have survived every panic attack I have had. It frees my mind of the downward cycle and puts me in a frame of mind to combat anxiety. I am in charge NOT anxiety.

I share all of this in hopes that it helps you when dealing with negative thoughts and anxiety. Life is hard and sometimes it really stinks but we don’t have to sink into that ugliness in our thoughts. I made this worksheet to help you deal with anxiety. It is my first printable so I would love to hear what you think! There is room for you to go through each of the steps I describe.

As you practice these steps you will get better at them. As you get better you will be able to go through the steps faster and won’t need to write everything down. Go forward conquering anxiety!

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Medication is not a bad thing

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I take medication for anxiety and have for a few years now. I have taken medication on and off since my twenties. It helps me to better regulate my emotions and thoughts. It helps me not feel so overwhelmed with life.

I know that my brain doesn’t always work right. I know I need help with getting my emotions and feelings to the base line most people live with on a regular basis. The one thing I don’t understand is why some people believe that taking medication for a mental illness is a bad thing.

The stigma surrounding taking medication for a mental illness is devastating. I think this stigma causes too many people to not get the help they need. Leading to more problems and pain for them and their families.

I am grateful that as mental illness becomes better understood and talked about church leaders are helping their followers to understand that seeking help is a good thing. Jeffery R. Holland an Apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has said:

“If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation”.

I remember when this talk was given at a General Conference (which is the world wide gathering of our Church) in 2013. I gave a huge sigh of relief because he told all of the people in the church that it is okay and important to get help out side of prayer for mental issues.

As Christians I think that many times we feel that we should be able to overcome any emotional problem with prayer. We have faith that God will take away our mental problems if we are just good enough. Although I do know that God can heal us I also know that God expects us to use everything at our disposal to get to that healing He wants for us. I also know that sometimes that healing will not come in this life and that is okay. I will continue to do all I can to become healed.

I also think we feel guilty for being depressed or anxious because of all the blessing we have in our lives. I shouldn’t feel bad because I have a wonderful family, a safe warm home and friends that love me. But mental illness doesn’t care what you do or don’t have it can come to anyone.

I know that taking medication has saved me and my family. I will continue to fight to breakdown the stigma surrounding taking medication. Because I believe to will save other people and other families.

So the next time you hear or know or are told that someone one know is taking medication celebrate them. Let them know you are proud of them. Know that they are taking care of themselves. Let’s support and love each other.

Do I look OK?

A few weeks ago I started working on a strange little project. If you have read more than probably two of my posts you know that I worry ALL THE TIME about what people think of me. Honestly, it is not healthy (obviously, that is why I take medication, because it isn’t healthy). Anyway, I decided that I wanted to start trying things that I normally wouldn’t because of what other people would think.

I have an entire judging panel in my head that tells me what is ok and what isn’t. I am tired of listening to that panel. I remember having a conversation with my sister once about what I was wearing. I don’t remember how old I was but we were both out of the house so at least in my twenties. (Ok mid to late twenties because I wouldn’t move out. It is true my parents moved away and left me the house.)

Back to the story, I asked her if my outfit looked ok. She said it was fine. Then I asked her about something specific. She said why, are you going to change if I tell you it is weird. In my head I said yes just tell me. This partial conversation has been in my head for a few weeks and is what lead me to this project.

I have been wearing clothes that I love that make me happy no matter what other people may think. The other day I wore a light pink tshirt (it is so soft and comfy it is like a pajama shirt) with my favorite striped sweater. The sweater is hot pink and maroon. I don’t know if the colors matched, I am not sure if fashion rules say you can wear different shades of pink together or not.

I then finished off the outfit with hot pink and white polka dot socks. This pink did not go with any of the other pinks I was wearing. And I was wearing stripes and polka dots together. I am pretty sure that is against the fashion rules, but I did it anyway.

You want to know what happened? Nothing! No one laughed, I wasn’t hunted down by the staff of What Not To Wear, I am not even sure anyone noticed my socks. People pay a lot less attention to me than I ever imagined! Doing this project has shown me what my mom has been trying to teach me for 40 years. People aren’t really paying attention to you, they are more worried about themselves.

This project is one way to do exposure therapy which helps to overcome anxiety. Exposure therapy is when you do the thing you are afraid of to become immune to the fear. (And should only be done with a licensed professional if the anxiety is extreme!) I have been working on my clothing project for a few weeks now. It has been fun to wear what I want and not be so worried about what other people think. I even bought skinny jeans and ankle boots!

I want to keep working on this fear I have of what other people think of me. What ideas do you guys have for me that I could try? What simple things can I do to show that people don’t really care what I do? Hit me up with some ideas please!

No regrets

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I hear it all the time: live your life so you don’t have any regrets. I would love to do that, I would love to say that I never did anything I regret, that I took every chance, that I was there for my children whenever they needed. But when I am honest I do have regrets.

I don’t remember much from when the kids were little. I have baby books for them that are completely empty. I don’t have locks of hair that I saved for them. I don’t remember when they got their first tooth. I don’t know when they lost their first tooth. I don’t know if watching me deal with anxiety and depression as they grew has messed them up.

The other night one of the boys thought I was getting mad at him about something. When I asked why he would think I would be mad about that, he said “When I was little you would get mad about all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I am not sure how you are going to react.” Although I am glad that he feels comfortable enough that he can tell me how he feels; I was cut to the heart because of what he experienced when he was smaller. I did have a hair trigger temper, I was strung so tight I exploded at very small things. Huge regret right there.

Really to live with no regrets I would have to be perfect. I would have to know the exact perfect choice to make. If I were perfect I would never hurt anyone. If I were perfect I would never make a mistake. But I’m not perfect so how can I live with no regrets? Two ways: repentance and acceptance.

I am going to make mistakes. I still hurt the people that I love. No matter how hard I try I will always do things that hurt others. That is where repentance comes in. Being able to be open and honest and asking for forgiveness makes all the difference. I will make mistakes, being able to repair those mistakes with forgiveness is a gift I have been given by Heavenly Father. “Repentance isn’t [God’s] backup plan in the event we might fail. Repentance is His plan, knowing that we will.” Lynn G. Robbins.

Heavenly Father knew we would make mistakes and that we would hurt each other. He made us a way through Jesus Christ that we can work to make those mistakes better. Knowing that I can change gives me hope to know that I don’t have to stay as the scary mom my kids are afraid of.

The other way I deal with those regrets is by accepting who I was and the problems I was dealing with.  I was just trying to survive and keep everyone fed during the worst of the anxiety. I can’t go back and do those years over again, no matter how much I wish for just that. I have to accept that is the way it was and try to do better from here.

I still don’t keep baby books or scrapbooks. But I do take more pictures, I keep school and church achievements (someday I may even organize them!), I work to be present when I am around my family. I tell them everyday how much they mean to me. I am honest about those years and I tell them I am sorry.

I accept that those years are in our past and I can’t change them. But I don’t live in the past. I am learning how I don’t want to act and changing the things I do in the present. When I make mistakes I try to be quick to ask for forgiveness.

I believe regrets are part of everyone’s life. How we deal with them makes all the difference. Be kind to yourself, know you are doing the best you can, love yourself and share that love with others. You are amazing! How do you deal with regrets?