Category: Uncategorized

As many of you know a couple of weeks ago I shared my story of anxiety and depression through the Boise This is My Brave show.  A friend asked me how I felt about the show and why I was glad I did it.  All I could answer her at the time was because it was awesome.  I personally hate getting answers like that so I wanted to improve on my answer.  Here is the answer I wish I had given her.

First I loved it because I don’t feel so alone anymore.  After sharing my story at the rehearsals I had a couple of the other presenters tell me that what I described was exactly how they acted or felt.  It took pressure off knowing that I was not the only one that felt this way.  When I was in the middle of the anxiety I thought I was the only one that had these thoughts and feelings.  Knowing now that I am not is so freeing!

Second I loved it because the anxiety and depression are no longer a secret.  I feel free!  So many people have told me that they had no idea that I felt this way; that I also had such a confident air about me.  I was very good at hiding what I felt because I didn’t want others to know I felt weak and judge me for it.  The most surprising experience was after I had read my story to my husband and he said that he didn’t know I was so afraid of him dying.  I was shocked because I thought I had told him everything about all of my scary thoughts.  I guess I kept that one hidden because I didn’t want him to be worried when he was out on calls.

Third I loved it because I really enjoy being in front of a crowd and connecting with them.  I felt that I did a really good job expressing my feelings and helping the audience to feel what I felt.  I know it is kinda funny that someone that experiences anxiety likes to be in front of a crowd but it is true.

Lastly I loved it because I was able to show that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.  My 15 year old son was able to attend the show and he said that it was very eye opening for him.  He was able to see that people with mental illnesses are not crazy or to be avoided.  He learned about other people and himself that night and I consider that I huge win!

Sharing my story with This is My Brave is one of the experiences I am most proud of in my life.  And I almost didn’t do it.  Thank you to Erin, Kristen and Jessica for producing the show and asking me to audition.  That is another thing I have learned.  Don’t wait to be asked to do something.  If there is an experience that you want go after it!!

Here is the video clip of my story from the show if you haven’t seen it.  Even if you have seen it watch it again because I love it!!

I think a lot about how to be good enough.  When I wake up in the morning I think about what I need to do that day that will make me good enough.

First I need to actually get up when my alarm goes off so that I can accomplish something before I get the boys up.  That doesn’t happen very often so then I am already running behind in the good enough column.  Then I get the younger two boys up so they can eat and get to the bus.  I do have a win in the good enough column here though because I get them fed and lunches made so I am now back to neutral on the good enough balance sheet.

Now I wait for my older son to get up.  I take him to school and come back home.  Everyone is now gone for the day and I need to plan my day and figure out all of things that I need to do be good enough.  I need to get something out for dinner.  I need to exercise.  I need to work on my blog.  I need to work on a program I have been chosen to present at.  I need to make sure clothes are folded that the house is clean that I have called my family that I will attend the church meeting tonight that I will … the list just keeps going.

Am I the only one that keeps these lists in my head and also keeps score?  The sad thing is that no matter what I do I never feel like I am good enough.  I wonder often why my husband wants to stay with me.  I don’t really want to make friends because then they will know I am not good enough.  As long as I keep people on a superficial level they will never know that I am really not good enough.

I know in my head that all of these thoughts and feelings are not true.  I am still working on teaching my heart that they aren’t true.  But I am not going to give up on teaching my heart!

I am going to be honest here.  Because really what is the point of this blog if I am not honest?!

 

I am scared.  I am scared most of the time.  I am scared that I will never be good enough.  I am scared that no matter what I will never be enough for people to truly love me.  I am scared that no matter how hard I work the dreams and goals I have will never really come true.  I am scared of trying because what if trying and failing is worse that not trying at all.

 

The symptoms of anxiety and depression are so much worse in the winter.  The holidays are over, it is cold, it is hard to get outside to exercise.  I know I can go to the gym but just the idea of the cold makes me not want to move.  My mind is in fast forward and I find a loooong list of things I am failing at.

 

Usually I can combat these feelings.  I have been on medication for over a year and that has helped a ton.  I have learned tools that help me fight these thoughts.  But still somedays are just hard.  Somedays I want to bury my head under the covers and hide.  (Small space are my favorite.  I love being curled up in a small closet.  I told you lots of truth here.)  Somedays the effort just doesn’t seem worth it.

 

So what to do on days like these?  I get out of bed.  I say a real prayer for help and faith and strength.  Then I go to work doing as much as I can.  Days like these I may not get much done but I do something.  Because moving and doing defeats the depression and anxiety.  Sometimes it feels like I am running from the ugly feelings but as long as I stay in front of them I am ok.  I know that it will get better that days like these don’t stay around forever that I am stronger than the ugly feelings.  I have been through worse and these feelings aren’t going to take me down now!

All this snow has me thinking about Christmas.  We still have Christmas decorations up and I was listening to Christmas music yesterday.  I guess it had J thinking about Christmas also.  Last night when I was tucking the boys in J asked me to wait for a minute.  He said “Mom, some of the kids at school say there isn’t a Santa that it is our Moms and Dads that put the presents under the tree.  Now please don’t lie to me but is there a Santa?”  

 

He was so sincere and really wanting the truth, the look on his face just about broke my heart.  I told him no there isn’t a Santa that comes and delivers the presents.  However, the belief and good things Santa teaches us are one part of the magic of Christmas.  He looked a little bit sad then said, “That is ok.”  

 

I was so sad to leave his room.  He is our last little boy that believed in Santa.  Christmas won’t be the same.  I left his room and went and cried on A’s shoulder because he is one step closer to being all grown up.  Although the boys no longer believe in Santa we can now focus more on the true meaning of Christmas.  I am so grateful for Christ and that he came and died for us.  
What do you do to focus more on Christ at Christmas time?

This Christmas we went down to Southern Utah to visit my mom.  I love going down there because there is so much to do outside.  Our first day there we went up to Zion National park to hike and look around.  It had been raining for a couple of days so we were hoping to see some really neat water falls.  We didn’t get to see any big waterfalls but the weeping rock was very sad that day and weeping really well.

 

After that hike we decided to go try out another hike before it got too late.  This hike is called the Hidden Canyon hike.  We had started it a few years ago but the boys were little and there was one point that I didn’t dare hike with them.

 

I always hike behind everyone because I like to keep my eye on how everyone is doing and I don’t really like other people behind me when we are hiking a steep trail.  The beginning of the trail was partly paved with lots of switchbacks as we climbed up the mountain.  Since I was behind everyone I was the last person to see the next part of the hike.  The mountain rose up on the left side and there were chains attached to this side of the mountain to hold as you crossed.  The path was plenty wide enough for all of the boys to cross.  I am not even sure they noticed the change in the path.  The right side of the path went straight down.  I am not sure how far down it went because I never looked that way.  But I figured if they attached chains to the side of the mountain there was a reason.  The trail was now on rock with some sand on top of the rock and the sand was damp because of the rain.

As soon as I saw it I said there is no way, I will wait here for you guys.  I was terrified and didn’t even want to think about going forward.  I knew that this was not the only portion that has chains and I didn’t want to get stuck somewhere and not be able to make it back.  My mind began to race with all kinds of what if scenarios.  What if I slip and slide off the cliff, what if one of the boys goes sliding, what will I do if I freeze later, I can’t let the boys see me freak out again.  

 

Then I started thinking: Do I really want my boys to see me stop? Do I really want to give up without even trying? Do I want to wait here while my family goes and has some neat experience without me?  Do I really want this fear and anxiety to hold me back from doing something?

 

At that point two things happened at the same time.  I decided that I wanted to keep going and J made this really weird noise.  I started on the path and told  J to keep making that noise.  The strange noise kept my mind distracted enough that I could make it across this part.  Before we made it to the Hidden Canyon we passed over 3 other places where we had to use chains.  

I always keep J close to me when we hike.  As we approached one of the next chain sections he said, “Yes more chains, I love the chains because it means danger and danger means it will be exciting.”  I laughed because that is not how I thought of the chains.  Yes they meant danger to me but danger isn’t exciting.  As I thought about it I decided that I want to have that attitude.  

Instead of being afraid as soon as something new or different or hard comes up I decided that I am going to look at it as something exciting.  So this year I am changing my mindset.  Instead of being afraid when something “dangerous” happens I am going to see it as exciting! I am going to seek out opportunities to do things that scare me.  Because danger is exciting (and yes I am very nervous for J to start driving!)

 

That is why I named this website amazing and terrifying.  That hike terrified me but to finish it and make it back to the regular trail was amazing!  It felt as if I could conquer the world.  I want more of that feeling and I want more people to experience that feeling.  This site is all about conquering the world!