Category: thoughts

What is Your Focus?

 

I got new glasses last year. I have been using reading glasses for a few years but this year I took the plunge and got old lady glasses. Yep progressive lenses, this way I can read all the time not just when I have my reading glasses with me.

This got me to thinking about the things that I focus on. Have you noticed that the things you focus on seem to get bigger? This is especially true with negative thoughts. Once the thought comes into my head that something is scary it just starts growing and growing. Pretty soon everything I think about is now focused in fear.

What about when you decided to start making healthier food choices? Soon all you can see are the treats that you want to eat. Or that the lunch you made can’t be as good as a drive thru burger.

What happens if you decide to change the focus of your thoughts? Instead of focusing on the thought that everything is scary I can be truthful with myself that what I am trying may be scary but it is something that I choose to do. Or the drive thru thought, if I change my focus to looking at how I feel when I get that drive thru burger or how I feel when I eat the lunch I made making the choice may not seem like I am losing out on something yummy.

I know that I make it sound so simple: Just change your thoughts! The truth is it is simple but it isn’t easy. It takes work everyday to change the focus of your thoughts. The good news is that it is like a muscle. The more that you practice changing your thoughts the easier it gets to focus on the good things in your life.

If you need help with a specific thought that has been bothering you please contact me. I would love to help you learn how to change that thought.

PS Yes I really do have my Christmas decorations still up!

Deadlines don’t Matter

Have you set your New Year’s Resolutions? Do you set goals at the beginning of a new year? What do you think of goal setting?

I sometimes get overwhelmed with goals. It can feel too overwhelming trying to figure out all of the steps to achieve the goal. Also, what happens if I can’t reach the goal in the time I have given myself? Does that mean that I have failed again with a goal? Sometimes I don’t set goals just so I don’t have that feeling of failure.

I follow a woman on FaceBook named Heather Quisel. She was taking about goal setting and achieving your goals. She said that not reaching your goals doesn’t mean that you failed. You can’t know how long it will take to achieve a goal until you start.

She encourages people to have a deadline for a goal so that you give yourself a timeline to work on. However, until you start working you don’t know how long it will take to write your book. You have no idea how long it will take you to make excercise a constant in your life.

I love this idea because it takes all of the pressure off of setting goals. It changes the way I feel about reaching a goal. Instead of putting myself down for not achieving something I know that I can revamp my goal and keep working.

What are your trick and tips for achieving goals? I would love to hear your ideas.

Minimalism and Thoughts

People are getting rid of stuff! There are more books coming out about the minimalist lifestyle. (Which I think is kind of ironic.) Less is more seems to be the mantra.

As I have been thinking about this it of course leads me to the idea of getting rid of beliefs that don’t serve you. The belief that you aren’t good enough. The belief that you have to be perfect. The belief that no one would like the “real” you. You know the one that you don’t show to people because it is too scary. Any negative belief that isn’t helping you to live a positive life.

I was reading “Bouncing Back from Rejection” last night. The author of the preface mentioned that our brains are not wired for positive thoughts. Our brains are wired to find the negative because that is what kept us alive. We had to find what might kill us quickly. We had to be able to identify what may get us kicked out of the tribe before we got kicked out.

We don’t have to be so focused on the negative anymore. So how do we change the way we think? First off, we have to know what we are thinking about. If we don’t pay attention to our thoughts we can’t change them. Our brains are always working to make sense of the world. It is interpreting data as we go about our day, that is how we can drive to work without remembering how we got there.

If we let our brain drive us it will seek out all of the negative. When we start paying attention to our thoughts we are able to better control them. Once you start paying attention to what you are thinking about you can then tell your thoughts where to go.

I remember a saying from Brigham Young, “If you have a negative thought about yourself tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from.” Although this is funny it is true. When we have those negative thoughts they need to be kicked out. Challenge the thought; is it true? Does it describe what really happened? How do I know that it is true?

Once you have challenged the thought it is time to re-frame it. If it is completely false you toss out the thought. If part of the thought is true you rewrite it in your mind. I did say something rude to my mom but I apologized and we worked through it. I am not going to worry about it anymore.

After you rewrite the thought or you are ready to toss it out, you need to replace it by focusing on something else. If you simply rewrite the thought and don’t replace it with something else you will continue to focus on that thought. You can use a saying, a mantra, song lyrics or a scripture to distract yourself from the negative thought. This way it has less power over you and you can move on.

As you continue through these steps each day it gets easier. You will more quickly focus on the positive. And you will be able to accomplish the goals you have set in your life. If you would like more focused help on changing your thoughts please contact me here. I would love to work with you.

 

You Are Strong Enough

“People frequently overestimate the dangerousness of a given situation and underestimate their ability to cope with it.”

Michael Neena and Windy Dryden

I know this is true for me. For years I worried about everything I did and said because I was sure I was doing it wrong. I was sure that I was going to do something that would ruin my life. Not only my life but I would ruin the lives of my family. It would fascinate my husband that I could go from one small mistake to us being homeless. And it would only take me a few minutes to get there.

I also underestimated my ability to deal with the anxiety. When it would start I knew that I had to talk to someone else to be able to to handle it. I would have to tell someone what I was thinking so they could talk me down. They would have to tell me that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. They could convince me to calm down. But I knew that I couldn’t do it myself. I just knew that my thinking was wrong and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was wrong in both situations. The horrible things I imagined were coming never came about. I never ruined anyone’s life. (At least not yet!) I haven’t been fired, put in jail, or lost our house because I lost my job. No one has told me that they hate me since 8th grade. Even when I made mistakes I was able to fix them. The horrible things I imagined only came true in my mind.

But I was able to handle every single one. I was stronger than I thought I was. And each time I handled the anxiety I became stronger. I still have anxiety issues. There are days that the anxiety kicks up but it is nothing like it used to be. I may feel nervous or anxious about what is happening but it isn’t overwhelming.

The bad was never as bad as I thought it would be. And I was always stronger than I thought I was and so are you. Don’t give up. As you keep trying and overcoming you will becoming stronger. The dark days won’t last but you will!

I can’t; I can

One of my clients taught me a trick that has changed the way I think. She was stressed because she felt like she was being pulled in two different directions. One person wanted her to do something but she already had other plans and had promised a school shop tripping to her kids.

At first she was trying to figure out how she could do everything to make everyone happy. She was trying to squeeze way too much into one day. As the stress started to build she realized I can’t do all of this. I can’t go to the event that these people want me to. But I can make them dinner. I can’t spend the day at the event like they want. But I can give them a place to come back to rest.

When she realized that she could still do something for her friends her stress evaporated. She knew she couldn’t do what the other person wanted but she could still serve them in another way. She knew that although she wasn’t doing exactly what her friends wanted she was still doing good things for them.

I love this trick so much that I told her I was stealing it. This thought shift makes a huge difference in how I  think. Too often I think I must do everything and I must do it perfectly, it is overwhelming. When I step back and realize I can’t do this whole thing but I can do this part the pressure disappears.

Remember there is only so much time in the day. We can’t do everything but we can do something.

Mind Games

Everything in life is a mind game! Whenever we get swept under by life’s dramas, large and small, we are forgetting that no matter how bad the pain gets, no matter how harrowing the torture, all bad things end. That forgetting happens the second we give control over our emotions and actions to other people, which can easily happen when pain is peaking.

-David Goggins

Can't Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds

This quote stopped me in my tracks. Everything is a mind game! That means that I get to choose how I will handle every challenge that comes my way.

David Goggins is a retired Navy SEAL. This quote from his book “Can’t Hurt Me” is when he is discussing Hell Week from the Bud/S training. He realized that the guys that were giving up were quitting because they had given away the control of themselves to other people.

This got me to thinking how often I give control of myself to other people. When I am driving and someone cuts me off, or when someone says something rude about my hair. If I let those people bother me I am giving them control and when I give them control I lose the power over myself.

The more I think about this the more I realize how often I have given away my power. When I want something yummy to eat just to help me feel better. When I want someone else to tell me I did ok. When I want people to like me no matter what. I am giving away my control.

I don’t like the feeling that I have given other people or things power over my life. This is my life and I only get one chance. Only I have the power to make my life what I want it to be. I am choosing each day the things I do how and I will act. It feels good to choose instead of giving away control.

(I highly recommend this book but there is a lot of language.)

The problem is not the problem

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is how you THINK about the problem.”

I remember hearing this quote years ago, probably from my mom ’cause she is smart like that, and I hated it! I probably yelled at her no the problem is I have a problem!

But the truth is how we think about a problem makes all the difference. The last few weeks I have been dealing with sprinkler issues at work. I thought I had the sprinklers on but the water wasn’t turned on. Then I finally got someone out to turn the sprinklers on and he said that all of the valves were open but we weren’t getting water from the city line. I called the city to see if they would come and help and they said that we were getting water in the building so it isn’t a problem they control.

At this point I was done with the whole thing and in tears. I didn’t have a clue what to do or who to ask. I just knew that I was failing at my job, the lawn was going to die and the members of the library board were going to fire me. (Because that is always where my brain goes when I get upset.)

What I was focusing on was not really the problem. Our sprinklers needed water but I was too busy freaking out that I was going to get fired to really focus on how to fix the sprinkler problem.

I got some help and got the city there the next day to show us how to get water to the sprinklers. We had water and a couple of the sprinkler zones turned on while they where there. Only they didn’t turn off until I got there a few hours later and figured out how to turn them off. I thought I knew how to set all the zones and get them working but I couldn’t figure it out.

This time though instead of getting upset and focusing on what doesn’t matter I stayed focused on how to solve the problem. I called my husband and he came out to get everything working correctly.

The only difference between the two days was where I choose to focus my energies. Was I going to figure out how to solve the problem or let my thinking on the problem overwhelm me and not figure anything out?

As much as I hated the saying when I was a kid I try to stay focused on it now: the problem is not the problem. The problem is how you think about the problem. Is there a problem you have been looking at the wrong way? What can you do to change your thoughts and focus on the problem?

 

I Am…

Have you ever noticed how often you say I am during the day? I am tired, I am lazy, I am lost. I never really noticed it until I saw a Facebook post last week by a friend highlighting this phrase. She mentioned that when we say I am we are claiming something for ourselves. We are telling our own minds what to think of us.

Are the I am statements you say something you want in your brain? Are your I am statements as negative as mine? I talk a lot about the way we think because the way we thing makes all the difference. The way we talk to and about ourselves determines so much about what we think we are capable of doing.

Pay attention to how these different statements make you feel.

I am exhausted.

I am always making mistakes.

I am a fighter.

I am a winner.

The first two statements make me feel worn down and defeated. The last two statements make me hold my head up and get ready to fight. So what if you are exhausted? Instead of saying I am use I feel instead; exhausted is a feeling, not who you are at your core. Don’t claim things that aren’t who you really are.

I challenge you to pay attention to what you say when using I am. Only use positive thoughts and attributes after I am. Because at your core you are a child of God and that is the best I am.

Will this matter in a year?

When the anxiety was out of control I worried about every little choice I made. I second guessed every interaction I had with people. I was so worried about doing or saying something that would offend someone. The worry could consume my mind for days. Often the only way that I could get rid of the worry was to apologize for whatever I thought I did wrong.

It got really exhausting to be apologizing to everyone all of the time. I learned from a class to take a longer view on my worries. I was taught to ask will this matter in a year? If not I was to let the worry go. Honestly, now that I look back there are only about 3 things that I did during this time that I can even remember now. And only one that I actually needed to apologize for.

The thought “will this matter in a year is powerful?”. It helps to put these huge worries that I had in perspective. It is so easy to allow the anxiety to run rampant and pick up steam and make everything that you are thinking seem so real and to feel like it is going to destroy your entire life. Stopping to think for a minute “Will this matter in a year?” gives you a chance to slow down those thoughts.

You are able to put them in the proper perspective. Yes in this moment it feels as if everything is going to fall apart. But giving yourself the time to slow down and honestly think about the situation will give you the space you need to decide what is true. Is it true that this choice is going to get you fired? Is it true that what you said is going to make the other person not like you? Do you really care if they don’t like you? Is it true that what you just said to your child is going to ruin them for life?

Being able to put it in the perspective of time helps you to see if what happened needs to be addressed or to be let go. I know that just letting go of thoughts is difficult. If you need more help letting go you can read another post I wrote about that here. I know that dealing with an anxiety attack is one of the scariest experiences. Being able to put those thoughts in a different perspective will make a difference.

Where do you want to be in a year? What do you want to be doing? What do you need to be doing now to get there? Focusing on those thoughts can help you to move out of the negative thoughts of the anxiety. You are worth doing the work to move out of the anxiety. You are worth the time and work it takes to conquer this demon. Please tell me, what is one goal that you have for the coming year?

Turn the Toy Chest Around

At church I am the Primary Secretary. That means that I try and keep the Primary, which is the children’s organization, in order. A few weeks ago one of the nursery leaders came to me with a problem. She has a toy cabinet in her room that doesn’t lock. Because of that she was having problems keeping the kids out of the cabinet when it wasn’t play time.

She was asking me for ideas to solve this problem. There is a lock on the cabinet but we had no idea where the key was. I started thinking about rekeying the lock. But then we would need to get an ok from a bunch of people. We would have to get a key to the other Wards, or congerations, that also use the building.

As I am thinking about all that would need done the President of the Primary walks up. The nursery leader explains the problem and the President says, “The cabinet is on wheels why don’t you just turn it around when play time is over?” What a great idea!

I have to admit that I felt a little foolish. I have been a nursery leader myself twice and this was such an easy fix! Then I started thinking about other areas of my life. How often do I make things harder than they really need to be?

I know I do it a lot. I use my What if? powers to think of everything bad that may happen. I’m not very organized and I spend more time than I like to admit looking for things I put in a “safe place”.

But I’m beginning to realize that I can and have changed. I’m working hard to give myself credit for what I have accomplished. I work hard towards my goals. And I am more honest about my feelings, hopes, and desires.

Finding the easy way isn’t cheating. It is a smart way to accomplish your goals. What is one way you can find an easier way to your goals?