Category: strength

Will this matter in a year?

When the anxiety was out of control I worried about every little choice I made. I second guessed every interaction I had with people. I was so worried about doing or saying something that would offend someone. The worry could consume my mind for days. Often the only way that I could get rid of the worry was to apologize for whatever I thought I did wrong.

It got really exhausting to be apologizing to everyone all of the time. I learned from a class to take a longer view on my worries. I was taught to ask will this matter in a year? If not I was to let the worry go. Honestly, now that I look back there are only about 3 things that I did during this time that I can even remember now. And only one that I actually needed to apologize for.

The thought “will this matter in a year is powerful?”. It helps to put these huge worries that I had in perspective. It is so easy to allow the anxiety to run rampant and pick up steam and make everything that you are thinking seem so real and to feel like it is going to destroy your entire life. Stopping to think for a minute “Will this matter in a year?” gives you a chance to slow down those thoughts.

You are able to put them in the proper perspective. Yes in this moment it feels as if everything is going to fall apart. But giving yourself the time to slow down and honestly think about the situation will give you the space you need to decide what is true. Is it true that this choice is going to get you fired? Is it true that what you said is going to make the other person not like you? Do you really care if they don’t like you? Is it true that what you just said to your child is going to ruin them for life?

Being able to put it in the perspective of time helps you to see if what happened needs to be addressed or to be let go. I know that just letting go of thoughts is difficult. If you need more help letting go you can read another post I wrote about that here. I know that dealing with an anxiety attack is one of the scariest experiences. Being able to put those thoughts in a different perspective will make a difference.

Where do you want to be in a year? What do you want to be doing? What do you need to be doing now to get there? Focusing on those thoughts can help you to move out of the negative thoughts of the anxiety. You are worth doing the work to move out of the anxiety. You are worth the time and work it takes to conquer this demon. Please tell me, what is one goal that you have for the coming year?

Turn the Toy Chest Around

At church I am the Primary Secretary. That means that I try and keep the Primary, which is the children’s organization, in order. A few weeks ago one of the nursery leaders came to me with a problem. She has a toy cabinet in her room that doesn’t lock. Because of that she was having problems keeping the kids out of the cabinet when it wasn’t play time.

She was asking me for ideas to solve this problem. There is a lock on the cabinet but we had no idea where the key was. I started thinking about rekeying the lock. But then we would need to get an ok from a bunch of people. We would have to get a key to the other Wards, or congerations, that also use the building.

As I am thinking about all that would need done the President of the Primary walks up. The nursery leader explains the problem and the President says, “The cabinet is on wheels why don’t you just turn it around when play time is over?” What a great idea!

I have to admit that I felt a little foolish. I have been a nursery leader myself twice and this was such an easy fix! Then I started thinking about other areas of my life. How often do I make things harder than they really need to be?

I know I do it a lot. I use my What if? powers to think of everything bad that may happen. I’m not very organized and I spend more time than I like to admit looking for things I put in a “safe place”.

But I’m beginning to realize that I can and have changed. I’m working hard to give myself credit for what I have accomplished. I work hard towards my goals. And I am more honest about my feelings, hopes, and desires.

Finding the easy way isn’t cheating. It is a smart way to accomplish your goals. What is one way you can find an easier way to your goals?

When to reach out?

Do you ever get overwhelmed with the pain and sorrow in this world? Do you struggle to know how to help family and friends when they are going through difficult times? Does it ever feel like too much? Yes, yes and yes!

I know there are times that feel too much for me. I worry that I won’t be able to offer support or that I by trying to help I will push myself too far. But I am coming to realize that I am stronger than I think and that any small thing that I can do helps relieve pain and sadness.

I worry that when I reach out to help I will say or do the wrong thing and make it worse. I remember reading a story about a woman that felt inadequate to help a friend that was going through a loss. The woman went to the friend’s house to visit but ended up crying with her. When the woman left she felt horrible. She felt like she had made the friend feel worse.

Soon after this she heard from the friend’s daughter that the woman’s visit meant the most to the friend because she was willing to feel the pain, to sit in the friend’s pain. So what can we do when we feel inadequate?

First, know that not saying anything can cause more hurt than trying. Oftentimes when people are going through a difficult time they just want someone to acknowledge that pain. A friend to share the burden can make all the difference.

Second, know that reaching out is about so much more than you. The anxiety made life all about me. As I have been able to grow stronger I have come to realize that people barely think about me. They are focused on and worried about their own problems. Knowing that people are not hyper-focused on my flaws has helped me to be able to reach out more often to others.

Finally, knowing that this life is better lived with others has helped me to reach out. When I get too focused on my own life I get lonely, it gets boring. When I am willing to reach out and make connections not only am I helping others but it also helps me.

I know we can’t solve all of the world’s problems but we can solve some of them. Just by being kind and loving to the people we come in contact with. By reaching out to those people in our lives that are hurting or struggling we can change our corner of the world.

Building a Tribe

tyler-nix-525388-unsplashI have been struggling to decide what to share with you today. So many different things have been running through my head; a book review, how to handle anxiety at work, anxiety vs. the spirit (this one has been on my mind for a long time but I can’t seem to get it right), and how to find and/or deal with a doctor.

But then yesterday we watched Bohemian Rhapsody. To tell you the truth I was not interested at all in watching the movie. I know who Queen is but I am barely a fan and wasn’t sure why a movie was made about them. Then the movie started and I was enthralled from the start.

The life and family that Freddie Mercury built was inspiring. He had parents and a sister that loved him. I am not sure his dad understood or supported him in the beginning. Then Freddie joined a band and began to build his tribe of supporters. The band became his family. He met a woman that stayed with him throughout his life. He went through a time when fame and money become more important to him. But he came back to his family.

He came back to his band and mended those relationships. He came back to his family and received the love his family had for him. I have had this experience on my mind all night. I can’t get it out of my mind because of the bonds he built with others. He knew who actually cared about him and he worked to strengthen those relationships.

These type of bonds are vital to each one of us. It doesn’t matter how many friends or family we have around us but the type of bond we have with them. Are we being authentic and honest with them? Or are we showing them just what we want them to see? This is something that I struggle with every day. I want so much for people to love me that I try to be what they want instead of who I am.

As I have become more secure in myself my relationships with others have become stronger. It has given me a stronger support system for when I am struggling. It also gives me the opportunity to help and support them.

Today take a few minutes to do just one thing to strength the bonds you have with family and friends. You will be grateful you did.

What serves you?

If what you’re doing doesn’t serve you; stop doing it. — Rachel Hollis

Such simple advice, right? One thing that I know doesn’t serve me is the way I talk to myself. I am my own worst critic. My hubby was gone over the weekend and when he is gone I watch waaayyy too much T.V.

Saturday night as I was sitting on the couch wasting time I kept trying to talk myself into going to bed. But the way I was doing it was awful. I kept saying things like, “This is such a horrible idea, You are going to be worthless tomorrow. Just go to bed you know you are being a loser.” At first I didn’t even notice what I was telling myself.

But as I started to feel worse and worse I realized what I was doing. I am not sure why I think putting myself down will help me get more done; it doesn’t work. I finally turned off the T.V. and started to bed. As I went I began thinking about the way I talk to myself. It doesn’t serve me.

I am tired of not believing in myself. I am tired of playing small because I am afraid of failing. I am tired of worrying about making other people happy. None of these things serves me.

The only thing I can control is myself. The most important thing I can control are my thoughts. Today I choose to take care of myself. Today I choose to believe in the things I can do. Because that does serve me. Today I choose to speak positively and truthfully to myself. Because that does serve me. Today I choose to be kind to myself. Because that does serve me. Today I choose to push myself a little bit harder. Because that does serve me.

What is one thing that you will give up that doesn’t serve you? What is one thing that you will replace it with that does serve you?

It is just a thought

I think about thoughts and thinking ALL OF THE TIME. Why? Because of anxiety. The thoughts I have often lead me into a panic attack where the world is ending and everyone hates me, I am going to lose my job and then we will be homeless because we won’t be able to pay our bills. Yes, it is a joy to live in my brain.

I have learned a few things dealing with panic and anxiety. One of those things is to pay attention to what I am thinking. The first time I heard this advice I laughed. Of course, I paid attention to my thinking that is what gets me into the panic attack. But the truth of the matter is: I wasn’t paying attention to my thoughts until I started feeling upset. THEN I started to listen to what was going on in my brain.

When I began paying attention sooner to what was going through my mind I was then able to lead myself out of the panic attack.

I did this by first writing down what was worrying me. This was a great tip I learned from the book “When panic attacks” by Dr. David Burns. I highly recommended this book for anyone having problems with anxiety. Writing down my worries helps me to see in black and white what it is that I am so obsessed about.

Have you ever had to pick up a few things at that grocery store so you didn’t write them down? Then the entire drive to the store you keep going over and over the list. You feel like you will forget something so you have to keep going over the list. This is how I felt before I started writing down my worries. I felt like I had to keep thinking about them and going around and around and around. Writing them down got them out of my head.

Once I write down the worries I read over them and decide if they are true or not. I often worry about what other people think of me or worry that they are mad at me. My counselor asked me once how I knew if a certain person was mad at me. I said I didn’t know I just worried that they were. He said the only way you can know if they are mad or not is to ask them. Oftentimes I am overly sensitive so what I think is a nonverbal clue that someone is mad is actually something entirely different.

Now if I think someone is mad at me I ask. (Yes it sounds like I am in middle school but it helps!) Or I ask how they are feeling or how their day went. These questions give me more clues to what is actually going on. By asking these questions I can also find out if what I think is true or not.

Once I know if the thought is true or not I can move on to the next step. If the thought I am having is true it is now up to me to decide if I want to fix the problem or not. If the thought is that my husband is mad at me, I have asked him and the thought is true. It is then up to me to find out if this is something I can or want to fix. Is he upset because of something I did? Is he mad because of his commute? Was work really hard that day and he needs time to unwind?

If it is something I can and want to fix then I work at fixing whatever the problem may be. If it is not something that I can or want to fix then we get to the hardest part of the plan: letting the thought go. Ben Abbott said, “It’s like running a marathon, it’s simple because all you have to do is run until you cross the finish line. But it is not easy.”

I love this quote because letting the thought go is simple but it is not easy. Some of the ways I have let thoughts go is to distract myself with something else. I think about what is for dinner, what I need to do for my job at church, I think about what my kids have coming up. The other way I let thoughts go is to simply take a deep breathe and say OK anxiety if you are coming come on. You aren’t a lot of fun and I hate dealing with you but you haven’t killed me yet and you won’t this time so do your best.

Although this plan sounds counter intuitive it works for me. By telling anxiety to bring it on I remind myself that anxiety hasn’t killed me, that I have survived every panic attack I have had. It frees my mind of the downward cycle and puts me in a frame of mind to combat anxiety. I am in charge NOT anxiety.

I share all of this in hopes that it helps you when dealing with negative thoughts and anxiety. Life is hard and sometimes it really stinks but we don’t have to sink into that ugliness in our thoughts. I made this worksheet to help you deal with anxiety. It is my first printable so I would love to hear what you think! There is room for you to go through each of the steps I describe.

As you practice these steps you will get better at them. As you get better you will be able to go through the steps faster and won’t need to write everything down. Go forward conquering anxiety!

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Why Suicide?

Trigger Warning: This post is about suicide and why someone would consider suicide. Please take care of yourself and do not read if this will not be healthy for your mental health.  I am not a mental health professional. This is strictly my thoughts and feelings.

Suicide has been on heavy on my mind lately. As it slowly becomes more acceptable to discuss suicide in our society I often hear people saying I don’t understand how someone could do that. Don’t they know that things will get better? Why didn’t they just ask for help? What could have been so bad that they would want to leave this life?

I understand all of these questions because I have been on both sides of the discussion. I have never had a friend or family member die by suicide but I have considered it myself. I have also been in such a good place that it is hard to believe that anyone would ever consider suicide.

As I have considered the differences in my thoughts I have come up with a few different ideas to explain why sometimes suicide seems like the best answer. I believe that before this life we lived with God. When we came to earth we forgot what that was like however, part of our soul remembers and longs to be back there. I think that this feeling has often lead to my feelings of wanting this life to be over. I remember as a young teenager crying because I just wanted to go home.  

I was in my home at the time confused as to why I felt like I wanted to go home. As I grew in my faith I have come to believe that my soul misses home.  It misses that time spent with God. I believe that many people have the feeling of being away from home but don’t understand why. They feel out of place but can’t explain why.  Being apart from God I gives us this feeling. So when life gets hard or emotional we long to be back in the loving arms of our creator.

Another reason people consider suicide is because life sucks. And if you are overly sensitive like me life feels even harder. Difficult and scary things seem insurmountable. It can feel that there is no way life will ever get better. You will never be able to figure out how to deal with all that is happening and all of your negative feelings. But you can and you will if you just give yourself time.

The worst of the anxiety I dealt with lasted for years.  For at least a year I called my husband everyday just to get through the day. I have spent years on my knees asking God to take these feelings and worries away. I have spent time with counselors, I take medication. I have reached out to friends and family to build a support network. I know that it is hard and I know that it feels like nothing will ever change. But that is a lie that mental illness tells you. Life will change as you keep living as you do the things that help and nourish your soul you will be able to climb out of that pit. Give yourself time.

During this time I got into a very bad habit of not wearing my seat belt. I felt this was a way I could die by suicide without really doing anything. The other day I was driving home and I thought I need to put on my seat belt. The very next thought was I want to put on my seat belt. I want to live, I am excited to live.  Feelings do change and life does get better.

People consider suicide for many reasons. To help make changes and to save others we need to stop judging and start loving.  Although you may never understand why someone would consider suicide you can still love them. You can show the good things of life and be a support for them.

If you are having thoughts of suicide please reach out. You can text suicide to 741741 for the crisis text line, call 1-800-273-8255 for the national suicide hotline, a friend or to me. Private message or leave me a comment. (All comments on the blog must be approved by me before they show up public. You can comment here without anyone else seeing. I will answer!) Know that you are not alone and there is nothing to be ashamed about if you are having feelings of suicide.

Take the time to love each other today. Reach out to someone that you have been thinking about that may need to hear from you. You never know the goodness you will do.


Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

New Year, New You!

As we start this new year there are advertisements everywhere for ways to make a new you. You can join the gym or weight watchers. You can finally get yourself and your house organized. You can learn a new hobby or quit a bad habit. Although all of these can be good and helpful, all too often all I see is that I am not good enough. (I know that most people running these programs want to help people and improve their lives. It is just the way I look at it that is a problem.) To be good enough I must join or buy their program.

What if instead of falling into the trap of not being good enough this year we start the year knowing we are enough. Nothing we can do no amount of weight we lose will make us feel worthy. (Although I am a big proponent for a healthy lifestyle and do workout with a trainer.)  There isn’t a program we can buy that will fill up what we are missing.

So what is the answer? For me the answer comes in having a firm belief in who I really am. Knowing that I am a child of God. That He created us and he sent His Son to die for us.  Having that knowledge has made all the difference for me. It makes being able to see these advertisements for what they are; helps to build my life but not the foundation to build my life on.

As we begin this year I encourage you to find the basis for what you can build your life on. Take the time to build a firm foundation so that other people’s ideas don’t influence the way that you feel about yourself. Know that you are loved and that you have something unique to offer the world!

The world doesn’t need a new you and neither do you. What is needed is for each of us to just be the real us.  It is my goal this year to be the real me. To share the things I have learned. To help those around. One way I am going to do that is through this blog. I am going to share more of my story and things that have helped me. New posts will be here every Tuesday and Friday. Please come visit often. And remember you are perfect just the way you are.

Patience is Hard

Patience is hard, sometime it is crazy hard. I want to have what I want NOW. I want to know all the steps in my path NOW. I want to know what I should be doing NOW. Is anyone else like that?

I was listening to the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon the other morning as I was getting ready. Alma 20:29 stopped me in my tracks (metaphorically I really had to get ready for work.) The end of the verse says “nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings.”

The people that Alma was talking about had been in jail. Their skin was raw from being tied up. They were hungry, thirsty and had probably been beaten. But they were patient. They waited on the Lord to rescue them. They knew that no matter if they lived or died they were on the Lord’s errand.

Maybe I am not so patient because I am not sure I am following the Lord’s plan for my life. How do you have patience and faith in the Lord? How do you know you are on the correct path for your life?

Photo by John Salzarulo on Unsplash

Blow Past Those Limits

Yesterday I wrote about knowing your limits so that you can take care or yourself.  I know this is so important; you must take care of yourself.

You need to know your limits for another reason.  You need to know your limits so that you can blow past them!  When I was going through the worst of the anxiety there was only so much I could do in a day.  I knew it and I planned accordingly. (Most of the time!)

Those limits stuck in my head for a really long time.  Just a few weeks ago I found myself thinking about the upcoming week and all that I had to do.  I thought can I really accomplish everything?  Am I going overdo it?  Can I really handle all of this?

When I realized what I was thinking.  I had to stop and remind myself that I am not the same person I was a few years ago.  I don’t get so overwhelmed anymore.  I don’t stress so much about what others think. (I still do but I am working on it!) I don’t get tired out so easily.

I decided then that I didn’t want to be held back by those limits anymore.  I didn’t want to be the person that couldn’t do it or would be too overwhelmed.  So I am quitting those thoughts.  I am choosing to push myself a little bit more.  To try a little bit harder.

Guess what?  I can do it!  I am moving forward little by little but I am moving forward.

Day 13 – know your limits so you can blow past them.  Take care of yourself but don’t put yourself so much in a box that you don’t try new things!