Category: strength

Not Knowing

“You have to learn to live with the not knowing,” from movie The Finest Hours.  

I wasn’t too excited about watching this movie when it was in the theater but it was the only movie that the boys were semi interested in watching so we went. I was wrong about this movie though, it is incredible!

I was so amazed by the story and everything that the people went through.  But one thing that really hit me is when one of the characters said to the other, “You have to learn to live with the not knowing.” When I first heard this quote I thought of life as a police wife.  As a police wife you have to learn to be ok with late nights, no return phone calls and never knowing for sure what time your husband will be home.

It has taken me  a long time, many tears and planning my husband’s funeral in my head more times than I like to admit, to be ok with not knowing.  I never want to lose my husband but I have come to accept the not knowing of our future in relation to the police world.

As I continued to think about this quote I realized that it referred to much more than just being a police wife.  In all aspects of life we have to learn to live with not knowing. We have to be ok with not knowing if our sick friend is going to be ok.  We have to learn to live with not knowing how things are going to turn out for our kids. We have to learn to live with not being able to control every little thing that may happen.

And more than learn to live with not knowing we need to learn to thrive.  The majority of my anxiety stemmed from not knowing what my future held and trying to make sure I ALWAYS made the correct choice. I thought that if I made the perfect choice I would be saved from fear, sorrow or sadness.  I was definitely not learning to live with the unknown. I wasn’t happy and my family was stressed.

I have come to realize that life is the unknown.  That is the point! How boring would it be if we knew how everything was going to turn out?  What would we have to learn if we knew what choice would bring us all the fame and fortune we ever wanted? How could we grow and develop if life were laid out for us? How would we ever develop faith in God if we didn’t have to rely on Him?

Learn to accept the unknown.  Learn to be excited about the future no matter what it may hold. I know it isn’t easy.  It has taken me a really long time to figure out small ways to learn to be ok with the unknown.  But I know it can be done. Keep reaching for the peace that is inside. The peace that God wants to give. Keep learning how to trust yourself and believe that you really are strong enough for your life. 

Life is so much more enjoyable and peaceful when I’m not trying to control everything. Anxiety tried to teach me that I had to do everything right; that being perfect was the only way to have friends. But what anxiety really taught me was that it is ok to not be perfect that I won’t always be able to control life. And that made all the difference.

Worry time


I have been thinking about different tools I used to deal with anxiety. One of my favorites is called worry time. The idea is that you have a designated time each day that you set aside for worry. If something comes up that causes you to worry you aren’t allowed to think about it right then. You save that worry for your designated worry time.
I love using this technique because of how effective it is. Whenever I would start down the anxiety spiral I would remind myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. So I would write down my worry and save it for later.
I would usually set my worry time for evening after the kids were in bed. By then I would be so tired that I wouldn’t want to deal with it. So I would throw away my notes for the day and start clean for the next day.
The trick to making this technique work is distraction. You have to be able to distract yourself from focusing on that worry until your worry time. I would usually do this by reminding myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. Because it was usually at work when I would need to distract myself I would focus on something else that needed done.
This distraction technique works wherever you are. You just need to find something else to think about. I would use anything I could; the kid’s schedule, a new book to read, a craft I was working on or one I wanted to start. I just needed anything to distract myself.
Then once your worry time comes you sit and think about everything that is on your list. But you are only allowed to think about it until your worry time is over. You can set your worry time for as long as you like but 10-15 minutes is ideal. Anything longer than this gives you too much time to focus on your worries.
Worry time is one more tool that you can add to your toolbox for fighting anxiety. I would love to hear how this helps you. Please message me or comment below how worry time works for you.

Panic attack at work?!?

I have had more than my fair share of panic attacks at work in my life (although to be honest, I am not sure how many panic attacks is a fair share). It has been an interesting and frustrating experience. I hate showing weakness at work. I feel like I have to be able to handle everything that may come my way. However, there have been days that is just not possible.

So what do I do when I have a panic attack at work? First, deep breathing. Part of the program I found from the Midwest Center for Depression and Anxiety included a recording on meditation. Each day we were supposed to listen to this recording and practice relaxation. The idea being that when an anxiety attack came we could go back to the teachings and relax in the moment of anxiety.

This took me a long time to be able to do. Because I was so entrenched in the anxiety loop it took time to re-train my brain. It is important to remember that change is not instant. I would get frustrated because I wasn’t making the changes I wanted as quickly as I thought I should. I had to remind myself that it took a long time to get this stuck in the anxiety. I had to let myself have the time to climb back out.

Second, I was lucky enough to have someone to call or text no matter what. My husband always answered his phone when I was in the worst of the anxiety.  I didn’t realize until later that maybe he was a little busy at his work. Now I am not advocating long phone conversations on your employer’s dime. That is not good employee behavior.

However, to ward off an anxiety attack there is nothing wrong with taking a quick break and talking or texting a friend. Oftentimes just by doing something to break the cycle of the anxiety I would calm enough to get back to work.

I was lucky enough to have great bosses during this time. I was able to go to them when I need support about something I felt I had done wrong at work.  I know that not everyone is that lucky. You can look for someone at work that can help  support you. Some that you can just say hey today is a rough day and they know what you are talking about. I know that it is hard to make connections when you are struggling. But having those connections is key to handling the anxiety well.

Finally, I would write myself notes. Writing down what I was worrying about would help me break the anxiety cycle. When I would see what I was so worried about in black and white it would help me see that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I often carry a notebook with me just so I can write down worries.

Having a career while dealing with anxiety is difficult but it isn’t impossible. Each day all you have to do is put one foot in front of another. I would love to hear what tips and tools you have used to deal with anxiety at work. Please leave your ideas in the comments.

Life isn’t Fair

I am taking a class to become nationally certified as a life coach. Which by the way, I do need a couple of people to practice on. If you are interested please message me or comment below!

As part of the class we work with a life coach that has gone through the program. We were given a list of potential coaches and asked to list our first and second choices. The teacher did caution us to pay attention to how many times a coach was chosen. They can only take on so many students, so if they have been listed a few times already to choose another coach.

I got my choices in right away so I thought for sure I would get the coach I listed first. I was the first and only one other person choose her. I forgot that this teacher is teaching at least 2 other sections of this course and these coaches were listed for all of the classes.

Last week I found out that I did not get my first choice, although someone else in the class got her. I was upset because I felt like I should have been given priority since I got my picks in first. As I tried to concentrate in class I kept thinking. What should I do? Should I say something to the teacher? This just isn’t fair!

Then I went back to one of the most important lessons I learned from the anxiety: Life isn’t fair. No matter how perfect I act some people aren’t going to like me. No matter how hard I try not everything I do will turn out. No matter how fast I am sometimes I won’t get my first choice for coaches.

I tell my kids all the time: life isn’t fair. This lesson is one of the major things that helped me to overcome the anxiety. I was so worried about doing everything perfectly so everyone would like me. When I finally learned that life isn’t fair it changed my outlook. It helped me to realize that I couldn’t be perfect enough to make everyone like me.

Life isn’t fair and the more I remember that the less I try to make it fair. The less I have to worry and try to think about ways to make it fair. When I remember that life isn’t fair I can go forward making the life I do have the best I can. What have you been trying to make fair that you need to let go?

What is your Endgame?

Last weekend one of the most anticipated movies of the year came out: Avenger Endgame. First off – no spoilers here! I haven’t even seen the movie yet. But we are huge Marvel Comic Universe fans here at my house. If you want to have a discussion about Venom, Carnage, and Riot and which would win in a fight I am your girl. But that isn’t what I want to talk about.

This Marvel Universe has been evolving for 11 years starting with Iron Man. There are at least 22 movies with I am not sure how many TV shows in the saga.

Some have done better than others at the box office.

Some were released and then disappeared. I am looking at you Fantastic Four. (Although I do love you.)

Some have done better than others.

Some taught us about more than just super heroes.

The creators have been working on these movies for years. What if they had given up when it got hard? What if they gave up when one of the movies did bad? What if they stopped because some people didn’t like the way they portrayed a character?

We wouldn’t have these movies and the enjoyment they bring into our lives. What if I had given up when the anxiety got bad? What if I quit trying because it hurt too much? What if I just stopped because someone didn’t like the way I did my job? What if you stopped.

Sometimes life is hard and we are thrown every painful thing we can imagine. All we want to do is curl up in a ball and forget the world exists. If we do that though we miss the big ending we miss the Endgame. We miss the point when we break all of the records. We miss the point where it doesn’t hurt so much. We miss all of the good things that came out of the bad. We miss the people and relationships we could have had.

I want to know what is your Endgame? What is the thing that you had to overcome to get the point where you are today? As weird as it seems I am grateful for the anxiety. I have become a stronger woman, more compassionate and loving, more willing to give others the support they need than if I hadn’t gone through it. This is my Endgame!

Depression is not Laziness!

Sometimes it is difficult to not call yourself names when you are going through a depressive episode. You feel as if you are the laziest person on the planet because all you do is sit. It doesn’t help that people that don’t understand depression may believe you are lazy. They want to know why you can’t just DO something.

The reason is because you are experiencing depression. Depression changes the way you think, feel, and interact with the world. Depression makes you feel like you are continually moving through thick maple syrup. Everything you do takes twice as much effort. Just to think of a plan for the day can take all of your mental effort. And if you are anything like me your brain is still running wild which makes you even more exhausted.

So how do you keep the negative thoughts of depression from taking over?

First, by understanding the truth of depression. It is a sickness in your brain. It is just the same as heart disease or diabetes, it is a sickness. It is not anything that you choose or that you caused. Depression is a consequence of being mortal. It sucks and it is horrible but it is not your fault. You are not broken, you are not lazy, you are nothing but human.

Second, knowing that depression is mean. It will call you names and tell you horrible things about yourself. But don’t listen to it. Depression lies. The horrible things it tells you are lies.  When they come to attack you fight them with all the good things people have told you. Start a box or journal with kind notes that have been sent to you. Write down the kind things that people tell you. Print off or screenshot positive things people have posted to your social media accounts. Then when depression tells you the mean, awful things you can fight them with the truth.

Finally, learn all you can about depression and how it manifests in your life. Encourage the people around you to learn all they can about depression and how to take care of themselves. I am sure that you have heard that knowledge is power. The more you know and the more tools you have the better equipped you will be to fight depression when it comes. Having more tools makes it easier to fight against depression.

I hate depression and I hate the consequences that come from dealing with depression. But I know the harder you fight against it the stronger you will become. The stronger you become the less power depression has over you. Take some time this week to research a new way to fight depression. Give yourself one more way to overcome this monster.

Good Friday

Today Christian faiths around the world honor the sacrifice that Jesus made for us by dying on the cross. We honor the life that He gave us, the faith and love that was shown to us by this act of love.

Then on Sunday we will celebrate the truth that He lives. He was able to break the bonds of death and be resurrected. I have had Christ on my mind even more because of this special week. I have been thinking about God’s plan for my life and how I can better fulfill it.

In Isaiah chapter 6 Isaiah sees in a vision the Lord and Isaiah is anointed to prophesy. Right after he is anointed he hears the voice of the Lord in verse 8 asking “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Isaiah answers “Here am I; send me.” Isaiah is then directed in what he should do.

I love the phrase “Here am I; send me.”

I love the faith and love that this phrase implies. No questions, no wondering, no worries. Just here I am send me to do thy work. Tell me what to do and I am there, I will do it.

I am not like this.

I am more of the mind that says I understand this is what I need to do but is there an easier way? Are you sure this is what you would have me do? Why is this something I should do? Why is it so hard?

I want to be more like Isaiah. Here I am send me. I want to be more like Christ. Even as he prayed in Gethsemane knowing the pain and suffering that would come he accepted it and did His work. I want my faith to be stronger than my fear.

As I work to that end I will continue to praise God. I will continue to thank Christ. I will continue to build my faith. Here am I; send me.

 

I Am…

Have you ever noticed how often you say I am during the day? I am tired, I am lazy, I am lost. I never really noticed it until I saw a Facebook post last week by a friend highlighting this phrase. She mentioned that when we say I am we are claiming something for ourselves. We are telling our own minds what to think of us.

Are the I am statements you say something you want in your brain? Are your I am statements as negative as mine? I talk a lot about the way we think because the way we thing makes all the difference. The way we talk to and about ourselves determines so much about what we think we are capable of doing.

Pay attention to how these different statements make you feel.

I am exhausted.

I am always making mistakes.

I am a fighter.

I am a winner.

The first two statements make me feel worn down and defeated. The last two statements make me hold my head up and get ready to fight. So what if you are exhausted? Instead of saying I am use I feel instead; exhausted is a feeling, not who you are at your core. Don’t claim things that aren’t who you really are.

I challenge you to pay attention to what you say when using I am. Only use positive thoughts and attributes after I am. Because at your core you are a child of God and that is the best I am.

Keep your eye on the Son

If you were to join us at church you would find us at the very back of the congregation. You know the hard uncomfortable seats in the nosebleed section? That is where we are. We sit there for a few different reasons. But there is a consequence to sitting back there. I can see everyone else and there are lots of distractions to what should be my focus at the front.

I love watching people and when you sit at the back of the church it is prime people watching time. The problem is, it is not time to watch people or let my mind wander. This last Sunday I was working hard to pay close attention to what was going on.

During the Sacrament at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the bread and water are passed to the congregation by the eleven and twelve year old boys. One of those boys is my youngest son. As I was working to keep my attention where it should be I watched him as he passed the Sacrament.

As I watched him I was able to block out the rest of the people and focus on Christ and what He has given to me. The thought came to my mind “keep your eye on the Son.” I knew the thought meant more than just paying attention to my son. As I keep my eye on Christ and look to Him what other people are doing falls away. As I keep my eye on Him what other people think of me doesn’t matter. As I keep my eye on Him the worries that I have about life become smaller and less of a hurdle.

Life is hard and we are all struggling with things that cause us pain. When I spend my time looking around me I get overwhelmed with my shortcomings. I find myself putting others down in my mind. I find that I am not a very nice person. When I focus my life and thoughts on the Savior I find that I am more compassionate with myself and those around me. Instead of judging those closest to me I share the love and compassion of Christ.

Instead of putting myself down and focusing on the things I do wrong; when I focus on the love of the Savior I am remind of whose child I am. I am reminded that I am loved and saved. I am reminded of how much was sacrificed just for me.

When life gets hard I would encourage you to “keep your eye on the Son”. Don’t focus so much on where you are lacking but on what you were given. I know that changing your focus will make all the difference in your life.

Spatulas and Other Tools

I have a spatula that I really dislike. From this first picture you probably can’t tell why I don’t like this spatula so let me explain. It was used for something it wasn’t supposed to be. I believe I was using it to get empanadas out of the hot oil. As you can tell the head of the spatula is plastic. So when I used it in the hot oil it melted into a fatter head. (Yes me, I can’t blame this one on the boys.)

As you can tell from this picture it is also no longer smooth. So when you go to flip something like a pancake or eggs it doesn’t slide under like it is supposed to. I was cooking eggs Sunday and I reached into the drawer for a spatula. The first one I saw was this deformed spatula. I stood there looking at it for a minute thinking I really hate this spatula. Why do we keep it? Why do I use it?

And then do you know what I did? I used that spatula AGAIN. Why? Because I thought this time it will be different. This time I will be able to get the spatula under the eggs. This time I will be able to flip the eggs. But what happened is I tried to flip those eggs, the spatula wouldn’t go under the eggs and I had a big mess in the pan.

There are other tools in my life that are similar to this spatula. I keep using them even though I know that they won’t do any good for what I want. I keep using food to make myself feel better, to relax or celebrate. I have numbed my feelings for most of my life with food. Even though my blood sugar numbers are too high and overeating is no longer serving me I keep grabbing it.

Not telling people how I really feel is another tool I need to throw out of the drawer. I have always been terrified of people. My mom put me in Girl Scouts when I was little just to try to get me to talk to someone besides my sister. (But it was right at cookie selling time and neither of us wanted to do that!) I keep reaching for that tool when I should be telling people what I honestly think.

There are so many other tools that I need to throw out to make room for the ones that will actually help. Why do I keep reaching for things that no longer serve me? Because it is easy. Because I know how it will feel to eat or keep quiet. I don’t know how it will feel to put the candy bar back or to speak my mind and that is scary. So instead I pick the easy way out.

But no more. Starting today I am choosing the scary path. I bought a food journal to write down what I eat. Not to lose weight but so that I have to think about the food before I eat it. When I have to write it down and actually see what I am eating it makes it more real. There is also space to write down feelings. So instead of just going on autopilot I can write, then decide if I am actually hungry or just wanting to eat.

What is one tool that no longer works for you? What is one way you can stop using that tool? I would love to hear your ideas in the comments! I am going to keep the spatula to remind me that some tools just aren’t worth using any more.