Category: Mental Health tools

Annoying

I can get super annoying sometimes. (I am sticking with sometimes no matter what my kids may say!)

When I get excited about something I hyper-focus on that thing. So let’s say that I decided to make a mermaid blanket for my sister, you can read more about that here. I spend the week looking for patterns, the best type of yarn and any embellishments needed. It is pretty much the only thing that I think about until I have all of the items I need.

Most of the time this is not annoying to other people. The focus is on what I need to do. However, there are times when other people are involved in what I am hyper-focusing on. This week I started a class to become certified as a life coach. In the introductory email the teacher explained that she had set up a Google Docs file for each of us with items uploaded there. She also stated that more would be added this week.

That meant that I checked my email and Google Docs file whenever I saw my phone. I had to check if there was something new. I wanted to know what to study next, I wanted to know what to expect from the class. When new was posted up to Wednesday I couldn’t handle it anymore. I emailed the teacher to find out if I missed something.

This hyper focus can be good because it helps me to get things done. But it interrupts my day and my thoughts. I get anxious and my thoughts start spiraling in a downward direction.

I am working on learning to control this hyper focus. I put my phone away where I can’t see it. I redirect my thoughts. As soon as I start worrying about what new items may be posted I move my thoughts to the sunny day outside. I make myself wait 5 more minutes before I check my email. I remind myself that people have a life outside of what I want them to do. I give them grace to accomplish what they said they would.

I am just starting this new focus. (Since yes I did just email by teacher Wednesday to know where the class schedule was.) I notice that I am feeling calmer. We had class last night and the teacher said she would upload more material today. So far at 8:30am I have only checked my email once!

Baby steps but I am making change. What is one thing that you would like to do differently or accomplish? What is a baby step you could take today to begin? I would love to help you out! Post your baby step in the comments and I will cheer you on today.

Depression is not Laziness!

Sometimes it is difficult to not call yourself names when you are going through a depressive episode. You feel as if you are the laziest person on the planet because all you do is sit. It doesn’t help that people that don’t understand depression may believe you are lazy. They want to know why you can’t just DO something.

The reason is because you are experiencing depression. Depression changes the way you think, feel, and interact with the world. Depression makes you feel like you are continually moving through thick maple syrup. Everything you do takes twice as much effort. Just to think of a plan for the day can take all of your mental effort. And if you are anything like me your brain is still running wild which makes you even more exhausted.

So how do you keep the negative thoughts of depression from taking over?

First, by understanding the truth of depression. It is a sickness in your brain. It is just the same as heart disease or diabetes, it is a sickness. It is not anything that you choose or that you caused. Depression is a consequence of being mortal. It sucks and it is horrible but it is not your fault. You are not broken, you are not lazy, you are nothing but human.

Second, knowing that depression is mean. It will call you names and tell you horrible things about yourself. But don’t listen to it. Depression lies. The horrible things it tells you are lies.  When they come to attack you fight them with all the good things people have told you. Start a box or journal with kind notes that have been sent to you. Write down the kind things that people tell you. Print off or screenshot positive things people have posted to your social media accounts. Then when depression tells you the mean, awful things you can fight them with the truth.

Finally, learn all you can about depression and how it manifests in your life. Encourage the people around you to learn all they can about depression and how to take care of themselves. I am sure that you have heard that knowledge is power. The more you know and the more tools you have the better equipped you will be to fight depression when it comes. Having more tools makes it easier to fight against depression.

I hate depression and I hate the consequences that come from dealing with depression. But I know the harder you fight against it the stronger you will become. The stronger you become the less power depression has over you. Take some time this week to research a new way to fight depression. Give yourself one more way to overcome this monster.

Guided by the Spirit

A long, long time ago in galaxy far far away. OK sorry that story has already been told.

But some time ago I was asked how you can tell when it is the spirit or Holy Ghost warning you about something and when is it the anxiety just getting you spun up. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to tell the difference.

I want to preface this discussion with a disclaimer. The thoughts and beliefs that follow are mine alone. They do not reflect the beliefs for teachings of anyone else.

That being said I want to start with the scripture from 2 Timothy 1:7. This is a letter that Paul sent to Timothy. The spirit of the letter tells me that Paul knew Timothy well and wanted to uplift and help Timothy in his calling as an Apostle. In verse 7 Paul tells Timothy “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

This was not an easy time to be declaring the good news of the gospel. Paul was in prison and was telling Timothy in verse 8 that he would also be a “partaker of the afflictions of the gospel”. But Paul is telling Timothy to not be afraid. God has not given us the spirit of fear. Paul was letting Timothy know that there may be hard times coming but not to give in to the fear. I thought about this scripture often when I was going through the anxiety.

How does this scripture help me to know if it is the Holy Ghost warning me or the anxiety? By the way that I feel. When my thoughts start racing and my heart is beating like crazy and I feel like my entire life is hanging on this decision and if I don’t make the correct choice then my life will be destroyed; I know that the anxiety is speaking. Because God does not give me fear. He does not want me to feel this way. When the spirit is warning me of something I may feel lost or confused but my thoughts and feelings do not start running wild.

There is another way that I use to determine if it is the anxiety or the spirit. This scripture is in the Doctrine and Covenants. This is a book of revelations that I believe were given to Joseph Smith as he restored the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This revelation was given in response to Oliver Cowdery. He had tried to translate the Book of Mormon but was unable to do it. The Lord told Oliver in section 9 verse 8 “But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and it it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel it is right.”

Oliver had not done any work to be able to translate he just asked and expected to be able to receive the answer from God. When I am working to know if there is something I need to change or do differently. Usually when I am trying to decide if I have messed up and I need to apologize to someone (because I think way too much about the things I do and say and then I worry I said the wrong thing and I need to apologize) I make a list. I try to “study out” the situation for myself.

I write down what I did and all of the possible ways the other person may react. I then go through the list and cross out the craziest. You know the ones like they are making a voodoo doll to begin torturing me for being so horrible.

When I have all of the craziest responses marked out I am usually calm enough at that point to think clearly about the situation. I can then take the question to the Lord and ask Him if this is a situation that I need to change or work on. The end of the verse gives me the most important clue to knowing if it is the spirit or the anxiety talking to me.

The end of the verse says “if it is right I will cause your bosom to burn”. So to know if it is the spirit or the anxiety you have to know how the spirit talks to you. What do you feel when you have felt the spirit? How have you felt guided or led? For me I feel calm and peaceful. I often feel as though a blanket has been settled down through my mind calming the racing thoughts. It is at that point that I know that I am on the right track.

I don’t give in to the crazy thoughts of the anxiety as often but I listen to what God is trying to teach me. It has taken me some time to trust myself again. However, the work is worth it to have that guiding influence in my life.  How does the Spirit talk to you? How do you know when you are on the right track in your life?

Keep your eye on the Son

If you were to join us at church you would find us at the very back of the congregation. You know the hard uncomfortable seats in the nosebleed section? That is where we are. We sit there for a few different reasons. But there is a consequence to sitting back there. I can see everyone else and there are lots of distractions to what should be my focus at the front.

I love watching people and when you sit at the back of the church it is prime people watching time. The problem is, it is not time to watch people or let my mind wander. This last Sunday I was working hard to pay close attention to what was going on.

During the Sacrament at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the bread and water are passed to the congregation by the eleven and twelve year old boys. One of those boys is my youngest son. As I was working to keep my attention where it should be I watched him as he passed the Sacrament.

As I watched him I was able to block out the rest of the people and focus on Christ and what He has given to me. The thought came to my mind “keep your eye on the Son.” I knew the thought meant more than just paying attention to my son. As I keep my eye on Christ and look to Him what other people are doing falls away. As I keep my eye on Him what other people think of me doesn’t matter. As I keep my eye on Him the worries that I have about life become smaller and less of a hurdle.

Life is hard and we are all struggling with things that cause us pain. When I spend my time looking around me I get overwhelmed with my shortcomings. I find myself putting others down in my mind. I find that I am not a very nice person. When I focus my life and thoughts on the Savior I find that I am more compassionate with myself and those around me. Instead of judging those closest to me I share the love and compassion of Christ.

Instead of putting myself down and focusing on the things I do wrong; when I focus on the love of the Savior I am remind of whose child I am. I am reminded that I am loved and saved. I am reminded of how much was sacrificed just for me.

When life gets hard I would encourage you to “keep your eye on the Son”. Don’t focus so much on where you are lacking but on what you were given. I know that changing your focus will make all the difference in your life.

Spatulas and Other Tools

I have a spatula that I really dislike. From this first picture you probably can’t tell why I don’t like this spatula so let me explain. It was used for something it wasn’t supposed to be. I believe I was using it to get empanadas out of the hot oil. As you can tell the head of the spatula is plastic. So when I used it in the hot oil it melted into a fatter head. (Yes me, I can’t blame this one on the boys.)

As you can tell from this picture it is also no longer smooth. So when you go to flip something like a pancake or eggs it doesn’t slide under like it is supposed to. I was cooking eggs Sunday and I reached into the drawer for a spatula. The first one I saw was this deformed spatula. I stood there looking at it for a minute thinking I really hate this spatula. Why do we keep it? Why do I use it?

And then do you know what I did? I used that spatula AGAIN. Why? Because I thought this time it will be different. This time I will be able to get the spatula under the eggs. This time I will be able to flip the eggs. But what happened is I tried to flip those eggs, the spatula wouldn’t go under the eggs and I had a big mess in the pan.

There are other tools in my life that are similar to this spatula. I keep using them even though I know that they won’t do any good for what I want. I keep using food to make myself feel better, to relax or celebrate. I have numbed my feelings for most of my life with food. Even though my blood sugar numbers are too high and overeating is no longer serving me I keep grabbing it.

Not telling people how I really feel is another tool I need to throw out of the drawer. I have always been terrified of people. My mom put me in Girl Scouts when I was little just to try to get me to talk to someone besides my sister. (But it was right at cookie selling time and neither of us wanted to do that!) I keep reaching for that tool when I should be telling people what I honestly think.

There are so many other tools that I need to throw out to make room for the ones that will actually help. Why do I keep reaching for things that no longer serve me? Because it is easy. Because I know how it will feel to eat or keep quiet. I don’t know how it will feel to put the candy bar back or to speak my mind and that is scary. So instead I pick the easy way out.

But no more. Starting today I am choosing the scary path. I bought a food journal to write down what I eat. Not to lose weight but so that I have to think about the food before I eat it. When I have to write it down and actually see what I am eating it makes it more real. There is also space to write down feelings. So instead of just going on autopilot I can write, then decide if I am actually hungry or just wanting to eat.

What is one tool that no longer works for you? What is one way you can stop using that tool? I would love to hear your ideas in the comments! I am going to keep the spatula to remind me that some tools just aren’t worth using any more.

When life is HARD.

The other day my youngest son had made some plans that he was fired up about but then they fell through at the last minute. I knew that he was sad about what happened but he was trying not to show it.

As we were driving home I asked him a few different questions to try and get him to tell me how he was feeling. (Sometimes getting an eleven year old boy to talk about his feelings is a challenge.) Finally, he said to me, “Mom are there times when you feel bad about something but you feel bad about feeling bad because other people have it so much harder?” Oh yes my son all. the. time.

I knew what he was feeling. He was feeling blessed because of the wonderful life he has but also feeling bad for the plans that had fallen through. I told him, “Other people having a harder time doesn’t make what you are feeling any less hard.” Life hurts no matter how wonderful of a life you have been blessed with.

There were so many times in the middle of the depression that I felt guilty because I had so much and yet felt so terrible. I thought about all of the moms around the world that couldn’t feed their children, I thought about the dads that couldn’t provide a safe home for their families. And you know what happened? I felt worse, the guilt was overwhelming. It took me a long time to learn the lesson that the suffering of others didn’t make my suffering any less. I still hurt and I still struggled no matter what others were experiencing.

We often talk about how we shouldn’t compare what others have to what we have because it takes away the gratitude for what we do have. I also think that we shouldn’t compare the bad things we go through with the bad that others have to go through. When we do this we don’t let ourselves feel the pain of our own struggle. When we don’t completely feel the pain of our own struggles we are less able to feel empathetic to others. When we don’t feel our own pain we can’t heal it. Just as we shouldn’t compare our good we shouldn’t compare our bad either.

Does that mean that we should build a house and live in our pain and disappointment? No, it is something to go through not a place to live. By feeling and going through my pain, I was able to learn and grow. I am now better able to reach out and help others. I am more able to feel others’ pain and help them carry that pain.

Take a minute and breathe. Remind yourself that what you are feeling and experiencing is not going to last forever. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel bad when things don’t work out the way you wanted, hoped, and prayed for. Remind yourself that it is OK to hurt even though other people have it so much worse than you. Remind yourself that you are loved and needed in this world.

When you have these reminders firmly in mind. Open your eyes and spread that peace and joy throughout your day and around your life. Your life, the good and the bad is yours to live, no one else.

Will this matter in a year?

When the anxiety was out of control I worried about every little choice I made. I second guessed every interaction I had with people. I was so worried about doing or saying something that would offend someone. The worry could consume my mind for days. Often the only way that I could get rid of the worry was to apologize for whatever I thought I did wrong.

It got really exhausting to be apologizing to everyone all of the time. I learned from a class to take a longer view on my worries. I was taught to ask will this matter in a year? If not I was to let the worry go. Honestly, now that I look back there are only about 3 things that I did during this time that I can even remember now. And only one that I actually needed to apologize for.

The thought “will this matter in a year is powerful?”. It helps to put these huge worries that I had in perspective. It is so easy to allow the anxiety to run rampant and pick up steam and make everything that you are thinking seem so real and to feel like it is going to destroy your entire life. Stopping to think for a minute “Will this matter in a year?” gives you a chance to slow down those thoughts.

You are able to put them in the proper perspective. Yes in this moment it feels as if everything is going to fall apart. But giving yourself the time to slow down and honestly think about the situation will give you the space you need to decide what is true. Is it true that this choice is going to get you fired? Is it true that what you said is going to make the other person not like you? Do you really care if they don’t like you? Is it true that what you just said to your child is going to ruin them for life?

Being able to put it in the perspective of time helps you to see if what happened needs to be addressed or to be let go. I know that just letting go of thoughts is difficult. If you need more help letting go you can read another post I wrote about that here. I know that dealing with an anxiety attack is one of the scariest experiences. Being able to put those thoughts in a different perspective will make a difference.

Where do you want to be in a year? What do you want to be doing? What do you need to be doing now to get there? Focusing on those thoughts can help you to move out of the negative thoughts of the anxiety. You are worth doing the work to move out of the anxiety. You are worth the time and work it takes to conquer this demon. Please tell me, what is one goal that you have for the coming year?

Prayer has changed me

One thing that anxiety has brought me that I am most grateful for, is better prayers. I love to listen and feel when people truly pray. I love the spirit and peace that is brought into a room and a heart when a person shares their faith through prayer.

Honestly, I have never been good at prayer. I have had a hard time quieting my mind enough to feel a connection to God when I pray. I often feel that I repeat the same thing all of the time or that I am just repeating a long list of things I want. It feels like I am just writing a letter to Santa.

To combat the anxiety I have learned how to quiet my mind, how to slow down my thoughts, and to really think about what I am doing in the moment. Meditation has helped in doing this. I have also learned to change my prayers.

The other night I found myself praying over and over again: please just fix this, please just fix it, please just take this away. This has been a common prayer in my life. I sob and beg for the Lord to just change me and take all of the anxiety and depression away. When I start to go down into the spiral I just want it gone. As I knelt there my thoughts and prayers changed.

I remembered that I am an adult and I can choose the way I act. I also know that the depression and anxiety will probably never completely go away. So I started to change my prayer. I asked to be made stronger, to be able to handle the down days. I asked to know what else I need to learn from the anxiety and depression. I asked to know what is the next thing I need to do to overcome the anxiety.

Although, I didn’t magically change, answers didn’t start dropping from heaven, my attitude changed. Instead of just praying to be changed in an instant I was reminded that this life is a marathon not a sprint. When I choose to partner with the Lord in changing my life the change I was begging for begins. As I changed my prayer from begging to listening I was able to open my heart to communication from God.

Nothing in my life will change until I make a change. I may still have some of the begging prayers. But instead of feeling forgotten by God I remember that He wants to work with me. Healing will come. As we work together toward that healing I am learning and changing more than if the Lord just took away the anxiety. Although I don’t love having anxiety I am grateful that it has led me to a better relationship with my Father.

You are an adult

janko-ferlic-174927-unsplashIn my daily life I run a small library. This summer there is a conference lasting a few days held at a college just a few miles from my house. They are asking all participants to stay in the dorms. But it is just a few miles from my bed. I’m not sure I really want to stay in the dorms. My bed is just a few miles down the street.

I was talking with the consultant from the Commission for Libraries (that is a state agency that helps the libraries in Idaho). I told him about having to stay at the dorms and I’m not sure I wanted to go.

That is when he told me “You are an adult. You can leave if you want to.” It felt like a light bulb went on in my head. I am an adult I can choose. There are so many things I can choose instead of just letting it happen.

I can choose the way I act instead of just reacting. Yesterday my youngest was upset because he had a horrible day. No matter what I said he was upset and determined to stay that way. Instead of getting upset myself I backed off and let him have some time to work through his feelings. Once he was ready we talked about his day and his feelings. Because I choose to act I felt better and we were able to connect.

I can choose the way I think. For too long I believed that whatever thought came into my mind was true. I entertained way too many negative thoughts that I should have challenged. Now I know that a thought is just a thought. I choose whether that is something I want to keep in my life or if I want to get rid of it.

I choose the type of life I want to have. I get to choose what I focus on and what I work towards. I get to choose to be grateful for what I have or focus on the lack. I get to choose if I enjoy the time I have with my family or feel sad because it is all changing.

Guess what? You can choose your life also. You don’t have to wait for some magic moment. You don’t even have to wait until tomorrow. Today right now you can choose your life. What will you choose?

What if?

 

austin-neill-308608-unsplashWhat if someone laughs at me?

What if no one talks to me?

What if my hubby doesn’t come home?

What if I lose my job?

I read somewhere that we should explore all of the What If questions in our life. In the article they were talking about the fun things. Their what if questions were more: what if I get the job? What if I take that class? What if I write that book? What if I start that business?

Unfortunately for too long my what if questions were the first ones you read. I was so worried about the bad things that might happen I didn’t have space in my brain left to think about the good questions. But I am learning that our brains are problem solving machines. So the questions we put to our brains they will focus on and figure out.

By putting so many negative questions to my brain it kept focusing on those questions and figuring them out. I was caught in a negative downward thought spiral. But I had all of my bases covered. I knew what I would do if my hubby didn’t come home. I have planned his funereal more than once. I knew what I would do if I lost my job. I figured out how to handle someone not liking me.

But I also lived in constant negative thinking. And trust me that is exhausting. When you are constantly scanning your life and your brain for the negative you will find it. So how did I change? By fighting against the negative spiral I was in. And trust me it is a fight I still have to contend with to this day.

When I have negative thoughts I scan them for truthfulness. Did I say something mean to my children? If so then I apologize. If what I said needed to be said but the delivery was wrong. Then I apologize. If what I said was correct and said in the way it needed to be said then I let it go. I tie a balloon to the thought and I let if float away.

Once that thought is gone I replace it with a positive thought or experience. Something I am looking forward to doing, something nice that was said to me, anything that is positive. My mind is never empty and if I don’t fill it with positive things the negatives will take over.

Now I focus on positive What ifs instead of the negative ones. I want my brain to figure out how to make the positive What Ifs true. Because of that my life is changing into what I want it be instead of what I am afraid it will be. What is one way that you will change your life into what you want it to be?