Category: Mental Health tools

What is My Job?

 

Quick reminder: You are not responsible to make other people happy. It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. You do not need to be on high alert to be sure that no one says something to offend someone else.

Sometimes we take so much responsiblity on ourselves to make sure that everyone is happy. I have done this most of my life. But when the anxiety become overwhelming the need to control everything really kicked in.

I had to be sure that everyone around me was happy. I had to be sure that no one was mad. Especially not mad at me. But I had to be on high gear to make sure that no one offended someone else. And if that did happen then I had to fix it.

Guess what? That is exhausting! And it is not my job. It is not up to me to make everyone happy. Not even Disneyland can do that! It took me a long time to learn that lesson. It has taken me even longer to learn how to have boundaries.

It is ok to not be responsible for other people’s feelings. In fact it makes socailizing so much more fun. It takes so much less energy for me to be around people now. I don’t have to spend so much time worrying.

Life is hard enough. Take making other people happy off of your responsibility list. Then you can truly enjoy being around people and getting to know them.

Don’t Think

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you but more than once I have woken up with an anxiety attack. I am not sure what my brain is doing while I am asleep. I guess it is making a list of all the things I am not doing as well as I should.

When I have anxiety attacks I try to figure out what it is that I have been thinking about. This helps a lot to deal with the anxiety during the day, because I can combat the negative thinking. It doesn’t help so much when I wake up with an anxiety attack. The problem is I don’t know what my brain has been focusing on so I can’t fight back against the negative thoughts.

Sunday morning when I woke up with the anxiety attack I laid there for a while trying to figure out what caused the anxiety. The more time I spent trying to figure it out the worse the anxiety became. I knew that I hadn’t been taking care of myself. When I exercise, eat well and rest I have fewer problems with anxiety.

So I started to use the fact that I hadn’t been doing these things to beat myself up. Then I started to think about all of the things I felt I wasn’t doing well. And the anxiety attack got worst. I finally realized that I need to just stop. My brain had been going too fast before I woke. I couldn’t fight back against the negative thoughts because I couldn’t remember what I had been focusing on.

Sometimes the best way to deal with an anxiety attack is to stop thinking. I just had to quit focusing so much on what I was thinking. I couldn’t fix this anxiety attack by fighting back against the negative thoughts. So instead I got up and got busy. I distracted myself so that I wasn’t focusing so much on what I thought I was doing wrong.

Not thinking can be the best way to deal with anxiety.

This isn’t 100% True

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I bombed that test, I am such an idiot.” or how about, “I am so embarrassed I said that to her, I am so horrible with people no wonder I don’t have any friends.”  If you have you have been guilty of emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when you take what you are feeling and tell yourself that how you are feeling is how you are.

Most people will do this on occasion but they don’t stay stuck on the thought. However, if you are experiencing anxiety you take this thought and continue to build on it until you have convinced yourself that you are horrible and deserve the panic attack.

What can you do to fight against the emotional reasoning? First you need to pay attention to the things you are thinking about. Once you do that you can start fighting back against them. One technique I just learned about is to write down the thought then list every reason why this thought is not 100% true.

This technique is great for a couple of reasons. I love to write things down because seeing things in black and white makes it so much easier to see the truth. Also, by writing down all of the reasons why something is not true you are reminded of the good things and you can fight the anxiety.

Let’s take my thought of saying something embarrassing and not having any friends. As I begin to find reasons why this isn’t true I remember that in line at the store last week I struck up a conversation with the person in front of me so I write that down. Then I remember that we had friends over for dinner last month so I obviously have friends so I write that down. As I remember each experience I am reminded of another one.

Once I have a few reasons why that thought isn’t 100% true I can put the bad experience into perspective. I did say something embarrassing but no one is perfect. They probably don’t even remember it. If they do bring it up I can apologize and laugh it off.

After you have done this a few times you can start to combat the negative thoughts in your mind without needing to write them down. Although, I still write some of them down just to get them out of my head. Being able to fight against the negative thoughts of anxiety gives you back the power of your life. When you try this technique I would love to hear how it works for you!

Mind Reading Part 2

Last week I started a new series about thinking errors with mind reading. If you didn’t see that post you can read it here. We can cause ourselves no end of anxiety when we think we know what other people are thinking. Well mind reading can also cause problems when we think other people should know what we are thinking. (lots of thinking in that paragraph!)

I have had times where I am in the middle of a panic attack and I think it is written all over my face. My head feels like it is about to explode so of course everyone can tell. Surely they can see that I am just about to lose my mind. But guess what they can’t!

Just like I can’t tell what other people are thinking they can’t tell what is going on inside of me just by looking. They can’t tell that I am just about to explode so don’t give me one more thing. Do you know what that means?

That means we have to tell people when we are having a hard time. That means that we have to ask for help. That means that when we are just about to lose our minds we need to talk. I know that reaching out can be the scariest part when you are struggling. But there are people that will listen with love.

We can reach out to our friends and family. People that we know will listen and respond in a kind way. The loved ones that will support us and help as we figure out the next step. You can even reach out to strangers on the internet. I am here whenever you may need help.

But just like everyone else I can’t read minds. So please be brave and say you need help!

 

Mind Reading

The way we think directly effects the way we feel and the things we work towards in our lives. I have learned so much going through anxiety but also becoming certified as a life coach. One of the things I have learned is the different thinking traps that we can fall into.

Because these thoughts are common, so common we sometimes don’t even know we are trapped I decided to do a series on them. I want to help you see the traps so that you can avoid them.

The first one to discuss is mind reading. Mind reading is where you assume what someone else is thinking. I do this All. The. Time. Especially with my husband. I assume that he is mad at me because he is quiet. I assume that he is upset with something I did because he spent lots of time upstairs after work.

I got caught in this trap Tuesday. I was feeling a little off and I felt like my hubby was upset with me. I had no idea why he might be angry but I was going down that road. As I started to work out why I was feeling this way he sent me a text thanking me for being a good wife.

I laughed out loud when I got the text because of where my mind had been going. I assumed I knew what he felt. And I was going through my mind trying to find evidence to prove that he was mad at me.

How can we avoid this trap? We have to ask or we have to be patient enough to wait for the other person to say something. Mind reading is probably the biggest trap I fall into. I remember my counselor asking me how I knew someone was mad at me. When I had to admit that I didn’t know he would remind me that the only way I can know someone’s feelings or thoughts is to ask them.

I know that it can be annoying to ask all the time are you mad at me. But that is the only way you can know the truth. When you start to realize that everyone doesn’t hate you it is easier to start fighting against that trap without having to ask all of the time.

I mentioned that before I got the text from my husband I was starting to work through why I thought he may be upset with me. I write out my feelings when I am lost so I had started a diagram as to why he could be upset. This helps me to see what I am thinking and also to see if there is any truth to what I am thinking.

Not one of us can read the minds of others. And for that I am grateful! Don’t be afraid to ask what someone else may be thinking. It is worth it to not be stuck in a panic attack.

Love yourself through it

I saw this post yesterday on Instagram from The Brave Box; which is an eating disorder recovery page I follow. Even if you don’t have an eating disorder I highly recommend following this page. She encourages everyone to accept yourself right where you are now.

This hit me because as I have written about before summer can be a stressful time for me. Everyday I have been cycling between being fine then bam! a panic attack. Every time one hits I chastise myself because I should be beyond them. I shouldn’t have panic attacks anymore because I have come so far. I know so many tools I should be able to stop them before they even start. I should be able to stop them altogether.

Then I saw this quote yesterday, “You can never truly feel at home in a body that you view as temporary.” I view this anxiety thing as temporary as something that I should overcome. What if instead I changed my thought to: this anxiety is part of me and it will always be here? Just typing that out lets me take a deep breathe.

Changing the thought that it is part of me and not something that I need to keep fighting against gives me peace. Does that mean that I am just going to let the anxiety take over? No, I am going to continue to find ways to stop panic attacks. But I am no longer going to look at them as a fault, as something bad about me that I have to fix.

I am going to quit beating myself up because I still have panic attacks. Stress is a part of everyone’s life, unfortunately, my stress comes out as a panic attack. From now on I am going to acknowledge that I am stressed, work to deal with the stress and love myself through the panic attack.

Love myself through the panic attack.

I want that to be a line by itself because it is life changing for me. Every time a panic attack has started I go into fight mode. I try to figure out what is causing it and how to fix it. I try to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can fix it and stop all panic attacks. Instead now I am going to love myself, I am going to love the part of me that is afraid instead of pushing it away.

I think that I will get much further with loving all sides of me than I have with trying to “fix” a part of me. Where can you let down some barriers and love yourself more? What changes will happen in your life as you love all parts of yourself? As Glennon Doyle always says, “Love Wins”. We each deserve love spread it around your life liberally!

Worry time


I have been thinking about different tools I used to deal with anxiety. One of my favorites is called worry time. The idea is that you have a designated time each day that you set aside for worry. If something comes up that causes you to worry you aren’t allowed to think about it right then. You save that worry for your designated worry time.
I love using this technique because of how effective it is. Whenever I would start down the anxiety spiral I would remind myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. So I would write down my worry and save it for later.
I would usually set my worry time for evening after the kids were in bed. By then I would be so tired that I wouldn’t want to deal with it. So I would throw away my notes for the day and start clean for the next day.
The trick to making this technique work is distraction. You have to be able to distract yourself from focusing on that worry until your worry time. I would usually do this by reminding myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. Because it was usually at work when I would need to distract myself I would focus on something else that needed done.
This distraction technique works wherever you are. You just need to find something else to think about. I would use anything I could; the kid’s schedule, a new book to read, a craft I was working on or one I wanted to start. I just needed anything to distract myself.
Then once your worry time comes you sit and think about everything that is on your list. But you are only allowed to think about it until your worry time is over. You can set your worry time for as long as you like but 10-15 minutes is ideal. Anything longer than this gives you too much time to focus on your worries.
Worry time is one more tool that you can add to your toolbox for fighting anxiety. I would love to hear how this helps you. Please message me or comment below how worry time works for you.

Panic attack at work?!?

I have had more than my fair share of panic attacks at work in my life (although to be honest, I am not sure how many panic attacks is a fair share). It has been an interesting and frustrating experience. I hate showing weakness at work. I feel like I have to be able to handle everything that may come my way. However, there have been days that is just not possible.

So what do I do when I have a panic attack at work? First, deep breathing. Part of the program I found from the Midwest Center for Depression and Anxiety included a recording on meditation. Each day we were supposed to listen to this recording and practice relaxation. The idea being that when an anxiety attack came we could go back to the teachings and relax in the moment of anxiety.

This took me a long time to be able to do. Because I was so entrenched in the anxiety loop it took time to re-train my brain. It is important to remember that change is not instant. I would get frustrated because I wasn’t making the changes I wanted as quickly as I thought I should. I had to remind myself that it took a long time to get this stuck in the anxiety. I had to let myself have the time to climb back out.

Second, I was lucky enough to have someone to call or text no matter what. My husband always answered his phone when I was in the worst of the anxiety.  I didn’t realize until later that maybe he was a little busy at his work. Now I am not advocating long phone conversations on your employer’s dime. That is not good employee behavior.

However, to ward off an anxiety attack there is nothing wrong with taking a quick break and talking or texting a friend. Oftentimes just by doing something to break the cycle of the anxiety I would calm enough to get back to work.

I was lucky enough to have great bosses during this time. I was able to go to them when I need support about something I felt I had done wrong at work.  I know that not everyone is that lucky. You can look for someone at work that can help  support you. Some that you can just say hey today is a rough day and they know what you are talking about. I know that it is hard to make connections when you are struggling. But having those connections is key to handling the anxiety well.

Finally, I would write myself notes. Writing down what I was worrying about would help me break the anxiety cycle. When I would see what I was so worried about in black and white it would help me see that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I often carry a notebook with me just so I can write down worries.

Having a career while dealing with anxiety is difficult but it isn’t impossible. Each day all you have to do is put one foot in front of another. I would love to hear what tips and tools you have used to deal with anxiety at work. Please leave your ideas in the comments.

He loves me

Dying by suicide is one of the most painful ways to lose someone. I have written before about how a person gets to the point that they believe suicide is the best way they can help their loved ones. As hard as it is to believe the person thinking of dying by suicide truly believes they are helping their loved ones by leaving.

I have been thinking about things that have helped me to fight back against the monster of suicide. Today I am sharing two things that have made a difference for me. There are many other ways to help and take care of yourself. If these ideas don’t work for you keep looking for the ideas or support that will make a difference for you. It may take time but you are worth the time and effort to love yourself and take care of yourself.

There is the Crisis Text Line. This is a confidential text service that you can use no matter your crisis. The crisis counselors are trained to support the texters in whatever situation they may be in. This is a service you can use if you are in crisis or if you are a friend of someone in crisis. Text ‘help’ to 741741. If you are thinking of suicide text ‘suicide’ and you will be put at the front of the line to talk to a crisis counselor.

Another way I believe can help all people thinking of dying by suicide is to know who they are. Saturday on Instagram I say a post from one of the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Gary E. Stevens. He was speaking of visiting Brazil and meeting youth of the Church he wrote:

A very important message for youth everywhere is to know your eternal identity as a child of God. Be aware that Satan will try to deceive you about who you are. He is quite fixed on confusing us about that truth. The Lord is saddened when you compare yourself to your peers. The adversary would have you think that you don’t have enough friends or enough “likes” on Instagram. Always remember that the most important “like” is that the Lord loves you.

In fact, He loves you deeply. I invite you to stand in front of the mirror every morning and say to yourself, “I am amazing and awesome. I am a son/daughter of God. He loves me.”

How powerful and how quickly would saying those words to our reflection change the way we feel. I wrote these words on my mirror so that I can remind myself daily whose I really am.

The knowledge that we are children of God, who loves us can help to change the negative and scary thoughts about ourselves. It can change the belief that we aren’t good enough and that we need to die. There have been many times that I have pored out my heart to the Lord weeping and screaming that I just wanted the to pain to end. The answers and the peace didn’t come as quickly as I wanted but they came each day as I choose to stay and fight the pain.

If you are considering dying by suicide please talk to someone. Find a friend, parent, teacher, doctor, or counselor that can help and support you. This world needs you, there is a purpose to your life and you make a difference just by being here. Remember you are a child of God and He loves you.

Scary Mommy

When the boys were younger I was not the best mom. Because of the anxiety I was constantly on edge. Ironically, I was trying to be the perfect mom, well the perfect everything, and this made me extremely stressed. Which means I would overreact to small annoyances.

Jamison was a toddler probably about 3 years old and we were having General Conference. This is a conference that happens twice a year in our Church. Because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a worldwide church the conference is broadcast on TV.

I was so ready for the conference. I was ready to the feel the Spirit, be encouraged and given direction in my life. At the time my husband was on patrol and was working. I had set the boys up with some snacks and helped them make a fort in the living room so they could watch from a fun tent. I know I had unrealistic expectations there are two sessions of the conference on Saturday and Sunday and each one is 2 hours long but I just wanted them to sit and listen.

Now remember I have 3 boys ages 3, 6, and 8. They didn’t sit still for two hours if they weren’t drugged. I don’t remember what happened or what they were doing but I got upset and grabbed Jamison. I took him into their bedroom and tossed him onto the bed saying through gritted teeth, “I just want to feel the Spirit!” Now this is not the best way to bring the Spirit into your life. I distinctly remember standing over the bed and looking down at his little face. This was not a proud mom moment.

I tell you this story because of an experience that just happened on Sunday. This conference fiasco is something we have talked about and it is something we joke about now. I want to be honest about what life was like then and I don’t want the boys to be worried about talking about that time. It is also a nice way to let me know I am getting to scary mom territory.

Sunday on the way home from church I mentioned how I was able to straighten out a mistake one leader made. She is usually on top of everything so I was feeling a little proud. (Again not the best reaction.) The boys started joking asking if I had tossed her across the room. I laughed it off. Then when my hubby and I were getting changed he jokingly asked if I had told this leader, “Haha I fixed this and you did it wrong, I’m better than you.” I know he was just teasing me, but this time I didn’t let it roll off my back.

I said, “You guys make me sound like a horrible person.” And then I started to feel sorry for myself. I started to let myself go down the rabbit hole of not doing things perfectly and not being perfect. Before I made it very far down this hole I thought wait a minute, do I really want to feel like this?

Do I want to get upset and ruin the rest of our day? Do I want everyone in the house to have to walk on eggshells around me? The answer to all of these questions was no. I wanted to have a relaxing day with my family without my drama of being overly sensitive.

So I stopped, I changed my thought. I told myself that everyone was teasing and that they don’t think I am horrible. I know they all love me and just wanted to have fun with me.

I know it sounds simple; just change your thought. But it really is that simple. If you don’t like the reaction you’re having, change the thoughts you are telling yourself. If you don’t like feeling like a loser because you aren’t perfect. Quit telling yourself you have to be perfect. If you don’t want to feel anxious because you made a mistake. Tell yourself that mistakes are ways to learn.

It may be simple but it isn’t easy. It takes practice. It is a skill that I practice every day. Some days I am more successful than others. But I keep trying. The good thing was I was able to get out of that rabbit hole quickly. I didn’t let myself get comfy down there.

Do you have thoughts you would like to change? Try this skill. What is the thought that you would like to change? How can you rewrite it in your brain to not be negative? How can you change the thought so you get the reaction that you want? I would love to hear your ideas. Please share your thoughts with me in the comments. And if you want help rewriting your thoughts I would love to help out! Leave me a comment or message me on Facebook.