Category: Love Yourself

Confidence – I am looking for you!

Last week I finally got the courage to read back through my journals from the time the anxiety was out of control.  I was nervous to read them because this time was so hard to go through I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read it again.  They were hard to read but the thing that really struck me was how often I said I just wanted to be good enough.

Not feeling good enough is not really a new feeling for me.  When I was little my mom asked my Aunt to be my secret friend.  She sent me a few cards (which I still have) with notes building me up and a necklace (which I lost).  My mom signed me up for Girl Scouts to give me something of mine own.   Why did my mom do this for me?  I didn’t ask her for either thing.  She did it because I was so shy I wouldn’t do anything unless my older sister was also going.  I followed her around for years!

Truth be told I am still shy and unsure of myself. I don’t really like doing things without my hubby.  He is the one I follow around now!  I am tired of being scared of everything and feeling unsure about who I really am.

I made a decision.  I am going to research, look for, pray about and generally do everything I can to find confidence.  My goal is to change the way I feel about myself and the way I react to the world.  To keep myself on track and accountable I am going to post here on my blog everyday for 30 days.  I will post the things I learn, how my journey is going and the scary things I am doing to gain more confidence.

I hope you will join me in my journey and that some of the things I learn will help you also!

I just did a Thing

I did a thing and to most people this thing is not that big of a deal.  To me it is HUGE!

My thing?? I just set my alarm for 5:15am for tomorrow morning!! And I am excited about it! Why is this such a big deal?  Because I have never liked to get up.  In fact when my hubby and I were engaged we were at a family reunion and my siblings were ready to go hiking and I was still asleep.  They sent my hubby up to wake me up.  When my Dad noticed he was gone from the living room he asked where my hubby had gone.  When my sister said to wake up Janna.  Dad said well that engagement is off.

Through the dark days of anxiety and depression sleep was even more precious to me.  I could escape through sleep.  In fact when my oldest was in first grade he would have to come and wake me up for school.  Yep a 6 year old was waking up his mom for school.

Why does all of this matter? It matters because I want you to know that things change.  You will get better.  The days aren’t always hard and the world isn’t always scary.

I am excited to wake up in the morning now because I have dreams and goals.  I still deal with depression and anxiety; some days are just hard.  It does get better.  There is a light.  Life changes for the better.  There are so many people rooting for you and cheering you on.  You don’t even know!

You are loved, keep up the fight!

Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash

 

I choose to stand

Like everyone else the last few days some part of my brain has been focused on the tragedy in Las Vegas.

As I was listening to a news broadcast yesterday.  One of the people talking said that the feeling of being safe in your world has been taken away.  That for his children they no longer felt safe.  My kids have not grown up with the feeling of safety other kids do.  Most kids grow up believing that bad things don’t happen. Tragedy and sadness and hurt is something that belongs to other people.

Not my kids.  They know bad things happen.  They know that kids are hurt everyday.  They know that people die everyday.  Now let me be clear my kids live a very protected and sheltered life in most ways.  They have a safe place to live and they know we will do everything to protect them.  They don’t have to worry about where their next meal will come from or if they will have a place to sleep tonight.

However,  my husband is a police officer and a SWAT team member.  They know bad things happen.  They know that when those bad things happen their daddy will go running into the fray to protect everyone he can.  They know that this world is not safe.  Sometimes I feel bad for them because they have not grown up with a feeling of safety that most people take for granted.

But in other ways I am so grateful for the lives they lead.  I am grateful that they know what a true hero is.  They don’t care what sports players, actors or politicians do or don’t do because those aren’t their heroes.  They know police officers, EMTs, paramedics and firefighters.  They know soldiers current and veterans.  They know teachers that give everything to help them succeed.  They know that even when scary things happen there are people that will stand up for what is right.  Those people will stand up and save those that they can, often with their last breath.

Bad things happen and it hurts.  But good things and good people are all around us.  They are their standing up and helping each other.  They are their standing up and saving each other.  They are there standing up and fighting to make this world safe, to make this world fair.  They are there standing up and doing all they can to take care of each other.

I choose to stand.

Friends

People are scary!  Wait didn’t I just write this post?  Oh yea I did.

I wrote that post knowing that there was a women’s group, meeting at my church.  (The women’s group is called Relief Society.)  I knew that I needed to start going to make some friends.  And I had been asked to make cookies.  Perfect excuse to go right?  It was also a get to know you night because there are lots of new people coming so I wouldn’t be the only “new” person there.

All day yesterday all I could think is I don’t want to go.  I made the cookies thinking well I can just drop them off.  Or I can just go for half an hour.  At least if I go I can say I did it.  I JUST WROTE A BLOG POST ABOUT BEING FRIENDLY I HAVE TO GO.

Well, I didn’t go.  The world didn’t crash down.  We had a great night together as a family.  No one called me to ask where I was with the cookies.  It was all good.  Except I felt a little guilty because I didn’t go.  I mean I did just write this great blog post.

This morning I met a fellow “This is my Brave” cast member.  To be honest I thought she just wanted to meet to sell me her product.  I couldn’t figure out why she wanted to get together.  She is gorgeous, accomplished and totally awesome.  Why would she want to get together with me???  Yes these are all of the thoughts I have running through my head.

I really wanted to tell her that I wasn’t coming.  But I didn’t.  And you know what I was totally wrong!!  She just wanted to visit.  We talked for an hour all about life and goals and how we are doing mentally.  It was an amazing hour.

Maybe I can make new friends.  I just need to do it on my terms.

 

 

People are Scary!

People are really really scary.

What if I say something embarrassing?  What if I make a fool of myself again? What if I can’t solve their problem?  What if I can’t make them happy?  What if I am not good enough?  What if….What if….What if?

What if just keeps going through my mind.  I know it is because of the anxiety, with some perfectionism thrown in there for fun.  Knowing this doesn’t make socializing any easier. It makes me think 2 or 3 times before I say anything. Because trust me when I don’t really really bad things come out of my mouth.

These what ifs have kept me from reaching out to people since we have moved. It has been almost exactly a year since we moved and I really don’t have any friends.

I get frustrated with myself often.  But then I go and put my pajama pants on and all is good!  Life, though, isn’t lived in front of the T.V.

The truth is people are really really fun too. People will share the most amazing stories with you.  People you don’t even know will love and take care of you. People are all scared and uncomfortable at some point.

Not connecting with people makes for a lonely life.  So it might be scary and I might say something really dumb.  (Sorry honey it is usually about you!) But I am going to do it!  Wish me luck.

Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash

Crushing Life Thursday!

I have run for years.  I was never super consistent until about ten years ago when my husband needed to do something to get his blood pressure under control.  We decided to start running.  Now my husband hated running!  But it was cheap (unless you think about the cost of running shoes!) and easy to do since you can just go out your door and do it.

We started really slow; run 2 minutes walk 2 minutes for about half an hour.  We eventually worked up to running races.  I have run half marathons and a full marathon.  My husband and I have run 6 relay races.  And it took me years before I would say I am a runner.  I still don’t claim that title very often.  I had a friend refer to me as a runner a couple of weeks ago and I said “No I run I am not really a runner.”

Why would I say that?  Because I don’t have the look of a runner.  I am not as fast as I think a runner should be.  I just felt that claiming the title of runner means I should be better than I am.  But guess what?  I run so I am a runner.

So often in my life I put down what I do because I don’t feel I am good enough.  I don’t claim all of the amazing things I have done in my life!  I am a runner, I am a mother, I am a blogger, I am a quilter, I am a speaker, I am a pageant girl, I am a joy coach.  I am amazing!

What amazing things do you do that you haven’t claimed?

This month’s is all about you!  I love the back to school time.  Getting to buy new notebooks and pens.  This time of year, more than January, makes me think about what I want in my life.  What do you really want in your life?  What one thing would you love to try but you are a little nervous, ok a lot nervous?  What habits would you like to break or make?

Join me every Thursday this month for Life Crushing Thursday!  Where we will explore different ways to explode our life into what we want!

Take care of yourself

I wrote this list after a church meeting.  I had been feeling very empty spiritually and a little bit lost.  This meeting was excatly what I needed to get me moving back towards my Heavenly Father.  When I got home I wrote this list to help remind me of what I learned and ways I can take care of myself.

I hope this list helps you also.

Talk kindly to and about yourself.  That means no putting yourself down to others for a “joke”.  No telling yourself you are stupid fat crazy etc.

Let yourself feel things without judgement.  No telling yourself you are useless because you are having an anxiety attack AGAIN!  Just feel it and let it go.

Let the Holy Ghost into your life.  He will tell you who you truly are.  You can know and feel that you are a very special child of Heavenly Father.  Let him talk to you.

Move your body.  Nothing feels better than moving and stretching.

Rest your body.  Ok napping feels better especially after moving and stretching.

Feed your body good things.  Mostly that means healthy foods that feed and help your body.  But sometimes that means feeding your body a treat.

Fill your mind and soul with good things.  Good books, beautiful artwork, sunsets that catch the clouds on fire.

Give of yourself.  Not to the point of exhaustion.  But reach out and help someone.  Listen to your children’s problems or stories even when you just really want to finish that blog post.

Find your people and nurture those relationships.  Sometimes it is hard to find the people you really click with.  But when you do – don’t let those relationships fall to the wayside.

Really?! That is self care!!!

Only 1 more Self-Care Thursday!  I have had a ball sharing ideas with you about ways that you can take care of yourself.  I hope that you have enjoyed it!

Today I am going to share an idea that may not really sound like a form of self care.  But stick with me all will be clear in the end. (Said with a magical hand wave.)

Service yep service is a great way to take care of yourself and help others at the same time.  Now I know what you are thinking – Really I have to think about helping others when I am barely keeping my head above water in my own life. They just need to take care of their own problems.

I know, I get it!  I got so consumed with anxiety during my life that I couldn’t look around.  I was just trying to survive.  I closed myself and my life off to a very small group of people.  But then I started feeling better and I realized that there is life outside of myself.  As I began to realize that I also realized that my problems seemed smaller when I would reach out to others. (I am also sharing this because I need the reminder to start reaching out again!)

Now I am not going to tell you that someone has it worse than you, so you should be grateful for what you have.  Because I REALLY HATE that saying.  It is true that life is hard for everyone but saying that other people have it harder discounts your struggles.  It is like saying your problems don’t matter.  And they DO!

Ok so why service?  Because it is awesome!  Just thinking about what you can do to help someone else makes you feel better. Have you ever noticed that?  Even when I was in the middle of the worst of the anxiety I could distract myself thinking about other people.  I was lucky enough to have been asked to help with the young woman group in my church during this time.  I say lucky because they were AWESOME and I miss them very much.  But also because during this time I would not have looked outside of myself for others to serve.  I was “forced” to do service.

Whenever I started to get stressed or overwhelmed in my own life I was able to ask myself. “What do the young women need?  What can I do to help them?”  I may not get an answer and I may not have done anything right that second but just the thought of what I could do moved my brain enough that I didn’t have an anxiety attack.

Now you are asking what can I do?  My life is busy enough how can I add one more thing into it?  The answer is you don’t have to!

You can do random acts of kindness.  Maybe just tape a dollar to a vending machine with a note saying the treat is on you.  Do you have some extra money? Pay for the car behind you in the drive thru. (Disclaimer: I have never done this and yes it does make me nervous because what-if they have a huge order!? Maybe ask for their total first.)  You can always go on Pinterest and search Random Acts of Kindness.  You can find great ideas and cute notes that go with them.  (But don’t let the extra work dissuade you from doing the service!  Just do it without the cute note.  That is how I roll!)

If you are ready for a little bit bigger project you can always go to Volunteermatch.org.  This is a great website that has a ton of volunteer opportunities.  They even have some that are online only.  So you don’t have to leave your house.  YAY!!!

If you know how to run a sewing machine you can help out at Days for Girls. This is a great nonprofit that makes reusable feminine hygiene kits for girls in developing countries.  Girls miss school during their periods because they don’t have any feminine hygiene products.  I love projects like these.  You can fit them into your schedule and you are lifting an entire community because you are educating their women.  “You educate a man you educate a man.  You educate a woman you educate a generation.” Brigham Young

These are just a couple of ideas that you can use to begin venturing out into the world of service.  I know that at times is seems overwhelming to even think about reaching out in service.  I promise you, though, that as you do you will be blessed!  Will you join me in doing one act of service this week?

Photo credit: SHTTEFAN on Unsplash

Thank you for being a friend!

Thank you is a common phrase.  We say it all the time.  Two very simple words. Simple words that have the power to change your life!

Right now I want you to take a few moments close your eyes and think about all of the things you are grateful for.  Really picture them in your mind don’t just make a list.  Think about why you are grateful for these things or people.  Why are they important to you?  What difference have they made in your life?

How did you feel when you did this?  More or less stress? Did thinking about these things bring a smile to your face?  Did your shoulders relax?  What feelings were brought to your heart?

Gratitude though a simple practice is a great form of self care.

Why?  By cultivating gratitude we are able to really see all of the blessings we have in our lives.  There are so many ways that we can incorporate gratitude into our lives.  Instead of throwing out a quick thank you to someone that helped us;  really focus on them and say thank you.  Is there someone that has really blessed your life?  Write them a letter of thanks.  How great would it be to get something in the mail other than bills?  Focus on the people in your life.  Find one specific thing each day you can thank them for.  (Not just “you’re awesome” find something specific!)

One way that I incorporate gratitude in my life is through my tender mercies journal.  Each night I write one thing that happened that day that I am grateful for or was a tender mercy or blessing from the Lord.  Each night I get to stop for a few minutes at the end of the day to think about the good that has happened.  I tend to focus too much on the negative.  Writing in my tender mercies journal is helping to retrain my brain to focus on the good instead.

And you don’t just have to take my word for how good gratitude is for you.  The Great Good Science center at Berkeley has an entire section focused on gratitude. (They have lots of other stuff too.  I highly recommend this site!)

Start today really focusing on the things you are grateful for.  Because just like a microscope the things you focus on become bigger!

Connection to God

Self care Thursday!!

Most of you know that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  My connection to the divine is through my belief in God and in Jesus Christ who saved me and  paid the price for my sins.  That is what I feel in my heart and what I believe.

Why does this matter?  Because one of the best ways to take care of yourself is to keep your connection with the divine strong.

I know that there are many different ways to believe and connect to the divine in all of us.  I have been blessed by knowing and experiencing this connection in many different ways in my life. Today I NEED to focus on a lesson I learned reading in the Bible. A lesson that demonstrated how I had been lifted and carried during the horrible anxiety time when I felt no one was listening.  And has shown me how to weather the daily storms of life.

I was reading in Matthew chapter 6, Jesus is giving the Sermon on the Mount.  At this point He is teaching the people how to pray.  He says in verse 11  “Give us this day our daily bread.”  I stopped and began to think about what that really meant to me.  He said give us the bread we need today.  Not give us everything we will need for this week.  Not, give me all of the knowledge that I will need in my life.  No He said give us what we need today.

When I was in the worst of the anxiety I wanted to be given the way out right now!  I wanted the pain and fear to be over NOW! But what the Lord was offering me was a way to become stronger.  He gave me what I needed right then at that moment, in that day, so that I could move forward.

I was given the strength to wipe my tears, get up off of the floor and take care of my family and myself.  I was given the knowledge of what to do that day to help myself feel ok enough to not hurt myself.  I was given friends and family and some people I never saw again to lift me up.  I was given a husband that listened to me everyday no matter what.  I was given exactly what I needed to be strengthened in that day.

What I wanted and what I needed were two very different things. I am very grateful that I was given what I needed and not what I wanted during that time.  I was given the daily bread I needed.

I look back and know that if I had been saved from what I went through daily I would not be who I am today.  I wanted to be saved from trouble and heartbreak.  When truly that trouble and heartbreak changed me into a stronger servant.  And I know that each day I must connect with the divine.  I need to be reminded of who I really am.  In the world today we are pulled in so many directions.  We are told so many things that aren’t true.  As we keep our connection with the divine strong we are able to remember who we really are.

When we remember who we really are we are better able to take care of ourselves.  We can combat all of the things that we are told that aren’t true.  We are able to lift others and share the light we have cultivated.  When I am connected to the divine I am given the words I need to heal my broken heart and hopefully share that healing with others. When we are connected we are able to live our true selves.  We are able to live the life we were sent here to live.

I share all of this with you because I need the reminder.  I need to remember how it feels when I connect with God.  I need to remember that when I am living in His truth I am living the life he wants me to live.  I want to remember each day the feeling of love and peace that comes God.  I want to remember that this peace is worth fighting for.  I want you to know that you are loved by me but more importantly you are loved by God.