Category: Love Yourself

Don’t Think

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you but more than once I have woken up with an anxiety attack. I am not sure what my brain is doing while I am asleep. I guess it is making a list of all the things I am not doing as well as I should.

When I have anxiety attacks I try to figure out what it is that I have been thinking about. This helps a lot to deal with the anxiety during the day, because I can combat the negative thinking. It doesn’t help so much when I wake up with an anxiety attack. The problem is I don’t know what my brain has been focusing on so I can’t fight back against the negative thoughts.

Sunday morning when I woke up with the anxiety attack I laid there for a while trying to figure out what caused the anxiety. The more time I spent trying to figure it out the worse the anxiety became. I knew that I hadn’t been taking care of myself. When I exercise, eat well and rest I have fewer problems with anxiety.

So I started to use the fact that I hadn’t been doing these things to beat myself up. Then I started to think about all of the things I felt I wasn’t doing well. And the anxiety attack got worst. I finally realized that I need to just stop. My brain had been going too fast before I woke. I couldn’t fight back against the negative thoughts because I couldn’t remember what I had been focusing on.

Sometimes the best way to deal with an anxiety attack is to stop thinking. I just had to quit focusing so much on what I was thinking. I couldn’t fix this anxiety attack by fighting back against the negative thoughts. So instead I got up and got busy. I distracted myself so that I wasn’t focusing so much on what I thought I was doing wrong.

Not thinking can be the best way to deal with anxiety.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is next week! I know that Thanksgiving can get overlooked for Christmas, which I am often guilty of doing. (I just love Christmas stuff.) But Thanksgiving is a special time to stop and feel gratitude for all that I have in my life.

Gratitude is an emotion that can change your life and the way you look at it. There was a time in my life that I lived in darkness and fear and I let anxiety rule my life. I never thought that this would be a time that I would be grateful for. But now that I have worked to change, that period of my life means so much to me.

Gratitude matters for each of us. Not only can it change your own life but it can change other’s lives too. Have you ever met someone that has a problem for every solution? They need to hear the gratitude of others. They need to know that there is good in the world. (Even if they find the bad in what you’re telling them!) Eventually they will hear the gratitude.

Gratitude helps to change the way we think. As we continue to look for the good things in our lives our thinking changes. We are hardwired to focus on the negative because that is what kept us alive. However, we can change that, as we focus on gratitude we are able to see more of the positive aspects of life.

Being grateful strengths your immune system, it helps with your communication and helps you become more empathetic. Gratitude increases your mood and how you think about yourself. It is amazing what gratitude can do to change your life. So I would encourage you to focus on gratitude all year long not just during this time.

An attitude of gratitude really does change your life!

 

Clean Out that Closet!

I love, love, love Marie Kondo’s show Tidying Up on Netflix. It is so relaxing to watch because Marie Kondo is so sweet and kind to the people she meets. I love how excited she gets when she sees a messy drawer she can clean out. I especially love to see the change that comes over people as they deal with all of the stuff they have collected.

This weekend I, finally, took some time to clean out the bookcases in our living room. I love books and I collect them like baseball cards. Because of this I have two bookcases filled with books, more overflowing onto the floor and some even stashed under my bed. I love having all of these books but to be honest it was a mess! (Plus I run a library I do have access to plenty of books.)

I hated to have people see this mess and since it was in our front room anyone coming over saw the monster. Also, it is a mental burden to know I have all of these books I haven’t read. As I went through all of the books choosing which ones to keep I felt the load of having too much begin to lift off my shoulders. I was able to fit all of my books into the two bookcases.  They are now organized and the kids can find extra paper and notebooks.

As I was hauling the boxes out to my car to donate I felt like I was ready to take on more. I felt like it was past time to go through my closet. I also felt more in charge of my life. Sometimes just getting rid of old stuff can help you feel so much better. Maybe that is why Marie Kondo is so happy, she doesn’t have any old stuff to pull her down.

Do you have some old stuff to get rid of? Are you ready to clean out the old beliefs in your brain that aren’t serving you? Now is a great time to start working on changes you have been thinking about. Choose one thing you know would make a difference in your life and start there. You will find that one thing has a snowball effect on the rest of your life. And if I can help to make these changes I would be honored to help.

Whose fault is it anyway?

“It isn’t your fault you are the way you are. From this point if you stay that way it is your fault.” Ray Care

I have been sitting on this quote for a few weeks now. I heard it on the podcast Team Never Quit. Ray Care is a former Navy Seal that lived through a hard younger life to become a Navy Seal and then after leaving the teams he became a successful entrepreneur.

I love the message. The things that have happened to me, good and bad, to make me what I am now are not my fault. But the point when I realize that only I have the choice to change my life, from that point if I don’t change it is my fault.

So this is the sign you have been waiting for. You have the power to make your life whatever you would like it to be. You get to choose what the next part of your life will focus on. You get to decide if you are going to keep blaming other people for where you are. You get to choose how you will handle set backs and bad things that happen. It is all up to you.

Does that mean that life is always going to be fair once you take control of your choices? No life is still going to be hard. You are still going to have deal with other people’s choices but instead of becoming the victim you can become the hero of your life.

You can take what is given to you and turn it into the fire that shoots you forward. You can forgive the people that have hurt you. You can understand that what they did was all about how they were hurting and had nothing to do with you. You can learn to see life as a series of choices. Choices that can lead us closer to our goals or father away.

Those choices are all up to you. You have the power no one else. You have the power to make your life and the world better. What will you do with that power?

The Change Cycle

I hate change! I have fought against change most of my life because I like to be comfortable and the here and now is comfortable. I feel like the majority of people feel the same way. We don’t like change. That is why it is so hard to make changes in our lives. It is much easier to stay where it is safe and where we know what to expect. Because of my own reaction to change and the work I have done with clients I have come to realize how change works. Change is coming at us each day. We can choose to fight against it or learn how to deal with it.

The first part of the cycle is “anticipation of change” this is where we know that something is coming. Maybe we are moving, starting a new job or even something as simple as someone coming to visit. All of these are an interruption of our normal lives. Right at this point we have power over our thoughts. Are we going to focus on all of the bad things that MIGHT happen or do we focus on the good things this change will bring? The change is coming. However, we can make it worse or better depending on how we think about the change.

The next part of the cycle is the change has happened. We have moved, started that new job or the visitor is at our house. We are now living in the change. Now we have the choice of how we are going to deal with the change. We have a couple of choices. We can choose to make this a positive change, neutral or  negative change. The first and I think the best choice is to choose to make the most of the change and learn all we can from it. Although this change may be a negative change like an anxiety disorder getting out of control we can still choose to learn and grow from it. 

Or we can choose to live with the change in a state of neutrality. We don’t learn from it but we don’t make it negative either. Although, this choice is not as helpful as choosing to make it a positive change it is not as destructive as choosing to make it a negative change. We just coast along in the change. Finally, we can make the change a negative change. We can become bitter because we are so angry about the change. We complain about the change to ourselves and to anyone that will listen. But we never choose to do anything to make it better. This choice will continue to guide us down a negative pathway that becomes worse and worse the longer we follow this path.

The next part of the change cycle is when we begin to become comfortable with the change. It is no longer exciting or upsetting.  Life begins to settle down again and the change begins to become part of our life. As stated with the change portion we choose whether we are going to look at this change in a positive or negative light. This stage will lay the foundation for how this change will affect the rest of our lives. We get to choose the direction our life will take.

Finally, the last portion of the change cycle is the change becoming the new normal of our lives. The change has happened we are living with it. We have made the choice if we want to be positive or negative about this change and that choice is playing out in our life. If we have chosen to make it a positive change the change has made our life better. We learned something from this change and we are able to use that to help others. Or we choose to make the change a negative change. We didn’t learn anything and instead of helping others we are pushing people away because they don’t want to listen to the negativity anymore.

This cycle continues over and over again. Sometimes quickly in day such as a stupid driver on the interstate cutting us off. That change can take place in a few minutes. Or the change can take place over several years to our entire lives. The change of dealing with an anxiety disorder is something I have dealt with most of my life. 

As I think about the change cycle and using a negative change to bring positive I think of Elizabeth Smart. She was kidnapped out of her bed as a teenager and held for 9 months. When she was finally rescued she had a choice to make. Her mom told her that she could choose to let her captors continue to hold her by living in anger and fear or she could choose to live her life. Elizabeth choose to live her life. She advocates for missing children she now has a family of her own and is changing the world because she choose to make a change a positive one. 

It is examples like hers that shows me that anyone can make a positive out of any change they encounter in life. It is all up to us what we choose to do with the change. I hope you will choose to make a positive change.

Anxiety Doesn’t Go Away

Anxiety doesn’t go away. I know that sounds frustrating and depressing but it isn’t I promise. Stay with me as I explain this.

Anxiety is the body taking normal emotions too far. It has been my response when anything is fun, scary, uncomfortable, exciting or sad. It has been the way that I try and deal with any change good or bad coming up in my life. Anxiety is simply a reaction to life.

If anxiety were to go away we would have a very boring life. Now that doesn’t mean that we have to deal with panic attacks for the rest of our lives. Remember what I said anxiety is simply the body taking emotions too far. So when you start to feel anxious follow the thoughts and emotions back to where they started.

Let me explain. My husband had a BBQ Saturday night with his work friends. As I was getting ready I started to feel anxious. As I listened to what I was telling myself it was “Be careful what you say you don’t want to say something dumb. Make sure you don’t embarrass your husband. He deserves to have a fun night.”

When I followed those thoughts back I realized that I was nervous about meeting his work friends. I knew some of them but not all of them. I wanted to make a good impression. Being nervous and wanting to make a good impression are normal emotions. But if I don’t pay attention to what I’m thinking they get out of control.

So anxiety may not go away but instead of giving in to to the fear I use it as a reminder to pay attention to what I am telling myself. When I start to feel out of control or like a panic attack is coming I know I need to follow my thoughts backwards to understand what I am telling myself.

Thinking of anxiety in this way also takes away the power of anxiety. I know that when I start to fear anxiety the panic attack builds faster. When I use anxiety as a guide to how I am feeling I take the power back from anxiety. The panic attack doesn’t build and I am able to overcome the fear faster.

Saturday as I was getting ready and the fear thoughts were coming at me I simply changed the narrative. I told myself that I was nervous; everyone gets nervous meeting new people. I do need to pay attention to what I say because I can get snarky. But I don’t need to monitor every word. My husband does deserve a good night but so do I. The more I worry the worse the night will be for everyone.

As I combated the negative thoughts my fear went down. I reminded myself that my feelings are normal. Anxiety is part of my life but it isn’t the controlling part. And the BBQ was excellent!

Relationships

I had a post all set to go live yesterday but it disappeared into the ether-net. I guess it wasn’t what I was supposed to be sharing!

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are all asked to help and serve in different capacities. Recently I was asked to lead the young women ages 12-18 in our ward. I love working with the young women and the other adult leaders. My problem comes in the relationships.

I am coming to admit to myself that I am an introvert. Being around people tires me out. Part of this is because I have trained myself that I have to be bubbly and happy if I am around other people. So I get extra tired because I am not being myself. Then I get frustrated with other people because I don’t feel like they are trying as hard as me. That is when I usually say something rude.

The other issue is the anxiety. I am constantly analyzing the things that I say. Did this come out right? I shouldn’t have said that. They don’t know me very well how will they take this? I am on high alert but I am not really in the conversation. My mind is whirling so fast I don’t really pay attention.

Afterwords I often have to go to my husband to find out if what I said was ok. I dissect everything to find out if I need to apologize for what I said. If he isn’t available I try to go through it in my own head but to get peace I usually just apologize to get rid of the circling anxiety.

I know it would be easier if I didn’t try, if I just stayed home. And honestly I have dreamt of that kind of life. But then I am brought back to the reality of this life. I am here to learn and grow. If I stayed home all of the time, like I want, then I wouldn’t grow at all. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to talk myself out of a panic attack. I wouldn’t have the chance to convince myself I didn’t completely offend that person.

Relationships are hard normally but when you mix in anxiety the difficulty rises. I am learning how to navigate the difficulty. I am learning that even when the negativity in my head says I’m not worth it there are people that believe that I am. I am learning that I don’t need to be hyper vigilant in conversations, I can be me. I am learning that I can have friends even when I say something rude.

Stutters and Anxiety

When my oldest was little he had a stutter. It wasn’t bad but we were able to get a speech pathologist through school. He worked with her for a few years practicing how to slow down his speech and think about what he wanted to say before he tried to say it. Most of the time you can’t tell now that he ever had a stutter.

One thing the speech pathologist said that I have never been able to forget is that they could cure his stutter but to do that they would have to make him deaf. The reason is that a stutter is an issue with what people hear not with how they talk. I still don’t understand why that is but I can’t get it out of my head.

How many times do we want things to change but for the change to happen something worse must happen first. For years I have wanted the anxiety to go away completely. I want to be like everyone else that can go about their days without any worry. I have to come realize though for that to happen I would probably need a lobotomy.

I think a lobotomy is way worse than dealing with the anxiety. I have worked hard to get where I am today. If I had been handed a “cure” I probably would have taken it but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That is the other thing about going through hard things: we get to learn and develop. And if we choose to we can become better.

I have become kinder to others that are struggling. I am more patient with myself. My testimony and understanding of Christ’s Atonement has become stronger.

Whatever you may be struggling with right now I hope that you know that you can handle it. It is going to be hard and it is going to hurt. But you are tough and you will come out of it even stronger.

My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and a grace that saved my life. Word Porn

Sheepdog Hill

If you follow me on Instagram you saw a picture of me flexing my muscles and bragging about how well I am going to do at the upcoming Ragnar Relay. Ragnar Relay is about 200 miles over the back of the Wasatch mountains run by a team of 12 over about 24 hours. Each person runs three legs averaging between 9-18 miles total. It is fun and weird and stupid all at the same time.

Then this last Saturday my hubby, a friend and I ran what we call Sheepdog Hill. This is a “hill” in our area that is 4 miles from bottom to the top with one thousand foot elevation gain. I was stoked for this run. I was going to kill it! Then we started.

I did not kill this run. I was the last one to make it to the top. I had to walk A LOT! I was so disappointed in myself I started with all of the negative chatter. What is wrong with you? I thought you were doing to do better? I thought you were in better shape. Are you ever going to be able to run this hill?

I was feeling awful about the run and how I was going to do at Ragnar. Then I stopped and asked myself: What would make you satisfied with your runs at Ragnar? This completely changed my outlook.

I am never going to be a crazy good athlete. I don’t have the time or the desire to train all of the time. But I can be proud of the things I do accomplish. I don’t have to be the best, I don’t have to be the one everyone is bragging about. But I can be proud of myself.

As we came down the “hill” I thought about what I wanted to accomplish to feel proud of myself at the end of Ragnar. I want to feel like I worked hard and did my best. This means that I keep running until I can’t. It means that I walk when I need to. It means that I run as hard as I can when I see the finish line. It means I don’t compare my run to anyone else’s. That way when I am done and we are coming home I can say I gave my best.

Shame, shame, shame

I asked my 12 year old son the other day what I should write about. He said, “Tell people that it is ok to get help. There isn’t any shame in getting help if you have anxiety.” Out of the mouth of babes. (well Tweens)

It is so true. We put so much pressure on ourselves to just be ok. To not ask for help and to do everything perfectly. We feel shame because we suffer from a mental disorder. When we didn’t ask for it or create it. Why is there shame in having a mental disorder but not a physical disorder?  We need to remember that mental disorders are biological not something we choose or caused.

That is why I started this blog, to help fight against the stigma surrounding mental health. To show that you can live an incredible, awesome life even with anxiety and depression. To talk about taking medication and going to therapy and just plain talking about mental health.

I have felt like I have been looked down on because I take medication. Because I wasn’t able to just pull myself up. It bothered me for a little while but then I reminded myself that they don’t live my life. They don’t know what it was like when I wasn’t on medication. They don’t know what my family life was like back then versus how it is now. They don’t know how grateful I am that most of the time I function just like everyone else.

I don’t want to go back to those days where I barely functioned so I take medication. I don’t want to go back to those dark days so when I feel myself falling back down there I go to a counselor. I find ways to deal constructively with the thoughts in my head.

I have also been taking a class to get certified as a life coach. To be honest I wish I had found a coach when I was going through the worst of the anxiety. The tools and ideas I have been learning are life changing. I am so excited to be able to help other people get out of the downward spiral even faster.

As my son said, “it is ok to get help there isn’t any shame in having a mental disorder.” Please just take care of yourself.