Category: honesty

Sneak Attack

The majority of the time I handle depression well. I take medication that helps control both the depression and anxiety. I have learned to raise my thoughts about depression’s black hole. I have learned that gratitude for my life helps to counter any sadness I may feel.

The bad thing about depression though is that it does sneak attacks. There are times when I am going along just fine and then I get clothes-lined with sadness. I feel like my life is horrible and that it will never get better. I feel like my family would be much better off without me. And I can’t find one small thing to be grateful for.

I have learned that there are going to be days like this. Even though the depression is mostly under control there are days the blackness breaks through. I have learned a few things from these days.

First off, it is ok that I still have these days. I will probably always have bad days. I don’t know that I will ever be able to say that I am cured from depression. But I don’t let it have so much control on those days. I celebrate that I am not on the floor crying even though I feel horrible. That is a win when it comes to depression.

Second, I have learned that I haven’t done anything wrong to make depression come back. The depression can lie and tell you that this all your fault. That you are a horrible person and that is why you feel this way. I have learned that those are lies. Sure my brain chemistry is different but I didn’t DO anything to bring the depression on.

Lastly, I have learned that the bad days don’t last forever. I have learned that on those bad days I don’t push as hard. I rest and I let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling. Because trying to force myself to feel better is too much work. I know that the depression is not going to last forever and I keep moving to make it through this bad time.

If I could change things, if I could wave a magic wand and take away the depression forever I probably would. But that is not going to happen any time soon. I have learned to live with that and to know that I can be happy any way. I hope that you learn that too. That you know your life matters and that it does get better!

When to reach out?

Do you ever get overwhelmed with the pain and sorrow in this world? Do you struggle to know how to help family and friends when they are going through difficult times? Does it ever feel like too much? Yes, yes and yes!

I know there are times that feel too much for me. I worry that I won’t be able to offer support or that I by trying to help I will push myself too far. But I am coming to realize that I am stronger than I think and that any small thing that I can do helps relieve pain and sadness.

I worry that when I reach out to help I will say or do the wrong thing and make it worse. I remember reading a story about a woman that felt inadequate to help a friend that was going through a loss. The woman went to the friend’s house to visit but ended up crying with her. When the woman left she felt horrible. She felt like she had made the friend feel worse.

Soon after this she heard from the friend’s daughter that the woman’s visit meant the most to the friend because she was willing to feel the pain, to sit in the friend’s pain. So what can we do when we feel inadequate?

First, know that not saying anything can cause more hurt than trying. Oftentimes when people are going through a difficult time they just want someone to acknowledge that pain. A friend to share the burden can make all the difference.

Second, know that reaching out is about so much more than you. The anxiety made life all about me. As I have been able to grow stronger I have come to realize that people barely think about me. They are focused on and worried about their own problems. Knowing that people are not hyper-focused on my flaws has helped me to be able to reach out more often to others.

Finally, knowing that this life is better lived with others has helped me to reach out. When I get too focused on my own life I get lonely, it gets boring. When I am willing to reach out and make connections not only am I helping others but it also helps me.

I know we can’t solve all of the world’s problems but we can solve some of them. Just by being kind and loving to the people we come in contact with. By reaching out to those people in our lives that are hurting or struggling we can change our corner of the world.

No regrets

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I hear it all the time: live your life so you don’t have any regrets. I would love to do that, I would love to say that I never did anything I regret, that I took every chance, that I was there for my children whenever they needed. But when I am honest I do have regrets.

I don’t remember much from when the kids were little. I have baby books for them that are completely empty. I don’t have locks of hair that I saved for them. I don’t remember when they got their first tooth. I don’t know when they lost their first tooth. I don’t know if watching me deal with anxiety and depression as they grew has messed them up.

The other night one of the boys thought I was getting mad at him about something. When I asked why he would think I would be mad about that, he said “When I was little you would get mad about all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I am not sure how you are going to react.” Although I am glad that he feels comfortable enough that he can tell me how he feels; I was cut to the heart because of what he experienced when he was smaller. I did have a hair trigger temper, I was strung so tight I exploded at very small things. Huge regret right there.

Really to live with no regrets I would have to be perfect. I would have to know the exact perfect choice to make. If I were perfect I would never hurt anyone. If I were perfect I would never make a mistake. But I’m not perfect so how can I live with no regrets? Two ways: repentance and acceptance.

I am going to make mistakes. I still hurt the people that I love. No matter how hard I try I will always do things that hurt others. That is where repentance comes in. Being able to be open and honest and asking for forgiveness makes all the difference. I will make mistakes, being able to repair those mistakes with forgiveness is a gift I have been given by Heavenly Father. “Repentance isn’t [God’s] backup plan in the event we might fail. Repentance is His plan, knowing that we will.” Lynn G. Robbins.

Heavenly Father knew we would make mistakes and that we would hurt each other. He made us a way through Jesus Christ that we can work to make those mistakes better. Knowing that I can change gives me hope to know that I don’t have to stay as the scary mom my kids are afraid of.

The other way I deal with those regrets is by accepting who I was and the problems I was dealing with.  I was just trying to survive and keep everyone fed during the worst of the anxiety. I can’t go back and do those years over again, no matter how much I wish for just that. I have to accept that is the way it was and try to do better from here.

I still don’t keep baby books or scrapbooks. But I do take more pictures, I keep school and church achievements (someday I may even organize them!), I work to be present when I am around my family. I tell them everyday how much they mean to me. I am honest about those years and I tell them I am sorry.

I accept that those years are in our past and I can’t change them. But I don’t live in the past. I am learning how I don’t want to act and changing the things I do in the present. When I make mistakes I try to be quick to ask for forgiveness.

I believe regrets are part of everyone’s life. How we deal with them makes all the difference. Be kind to yourself, know you are doing the best you can, love yourself and share that love with others. You are amazing! How do you deal with regrets?

What piano has taught me about anxiety

I started taking piano lessons a few months ago. I know a little bit about the piano but I am definitely a beginner. I still have to pay close attention to what I am playing. I have learned that the way I play best is by not thinking about anything else. Most of the time I can’t even think about what is coming next, I just have to play what is in front of me.

When I try to think about what is coming I mess up what I am playing at the moment. If I start to think about how many mistakes I have made on the piece I just keep getting worse and worse; especially if I am playing in front of my teacher. If I start thinking about something else I am bound to make mistakes.

We live in a world that encourages even idealizes multitasking. Even as I write this I am eating breakfast, thinking about what we will have for dinner and making sure that the kids get out the door for school. But when I play the piano I can’t do or think about anything else.

Playing the piano gave me an idea for dealing with anxiety. My brain cannot be left alone because it usually wanders into the anxiety playground. I don’t even realize what is going on until I can’t catch my breathe or I start feeling horrible about life.

So the tip that I have learned from piano is this: pay attention to what I am thinking about or to what I am doing right now. I have to keep my brain focused. Not worrying about what other people think of what I am doing. Not worrying about what I will be doing next. Just focus on what I am doing right now.

Multitasking might be the way to do things these days but it just doesn’t work for me or for my mental health. I am learning to slow down. Pay attention to what I am doing and what I am thinking about. (Obviously I am not perfect at this as shown above but I am working on it!) Not only does this help me stop anxiety attacks before they start but I also do better at the task I am working on.

I know single tasking is not what the cool kids are doing these days but I encourage you to try it. Slow down, pay attention to the task or person in front of you. Make them the most important part of this moment and you will be surprised at how your life changes.

Learning to live with anxiety

As I write this I am having an anxiety attack.  I have dealt with them for quite a few years. If you have anxiety you know how it feels: your heart starts to speed up, your thoughts go down a dark hole of negativty and you are certain that your heart is going to explode at any second. I have learned a few things about anxiety in the few years we have been buddies. I hope that they will help you not to have to travell the same path I have gone down.

First off, it isn’t going to kill me. I have been extra sensitive my entire life but the full on panic has been part of my life for about the last ten years. Althougth it often feels like it my heart has not yet exploded. The anxiety feels horrible and overwhelming but it isn’t going to kill me. In the middle of a panic attack it is hard to remember this but I promise it is true.

Another thing I have learned is that I can make the anxiety attack worse by the way that I think. When the anxiety starts I have two choice I can think this is horrible it is never going to end why do I have to put up with this why am I not strong enough to deal with life. Or I can think this is going to be a difficult day I really don’t want to do what I need to but I know that I can do it. My thoughts in the first experience lead me further down into the black hole. They make the feelings worse and my thoughts begin to spiral further out of control.  In the second example I am still having a panic attack but it doesn’t have the same control over me. I can stay above the black hole instead of entering in.

I have learned that to stay above the black hole I have to keep my mind busy.  Because of experiencing the anxiety for so long my brain is now accustomed to running quickly all of the time. I have found that I when I keep my brain busy with other things the panic doesn’t have as much space to take over.

Here is an example of what I mean. Most of my worry centers on what other people think of me so I have to make sure I am making the perfect choice all of the time. When I start to fixate on a worry I move those thoughts to an area I can actually change. When I start worrying I will imagine a stop sign and then move my thoughts in another direction. What do my boys need to get ready for school. I can start a list and begin to get things ready. By the time I have finished the anxiety is down to where I can handle it.

The panic attack I was having when I started this post is now subsiding. I know that I will deal with it more today because of what it is centered on. However, I know that I can handle it and not let it get out of control. I have faith in you also. The anxiety is not who you are, it is just a party of you that you can learn to handle.

Can you back a car?

I really hate backing into parking spaces. I know that is weird because if I go forward into the spot then I am going to have to back out of the when I leave. But I if I back INto the spot I can’t do it in one try. I am going to have to go forward and back a couple of times to get the car in straight. Why does this matter? Because I hate making mistakes. If I am going to do something I am going to do it right the first time or not at all.  That means I don’t back into parking spaces. It also means that I don’t do a lot of other things.

I started to think about this Sunday when we were parking for church. Aron always backs in because it is easier to get out when church is over. Aron is a really good driver and even he couldn’t just back in and be done.  He did at least one forward after he started backing to get into the spot like he wanted.

This started me thinking about life.  So often I want to know how to do something perfectly before I start. Or I want to know that everything will work out perfectly before I start something new. That just isn’t how life works. I have been kept from trying and working on things because I think I have to be perfect.

So instead of adjusting my journey just a little bit when something goes wrong I completely give up. I tell myself that this path must not be the correct one for me and I quit. That isn’t the purpose of life though. We are here to learn and grow.  I can do that by making some mistakes. I can try new things and then work it out when it may not go the way I want it to the first time. I can spend the time to learn, grow and have experiences good and bad.

Or I can say that I am just a bad backer so I am not going to try. Not anymore, Excuse me while I go practice my backing.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Confidence – I am looking for you!

Last week I finally got the courage to read back through my journals from the time the anxiety was out of control.  I was nervous to read them because this time was so hard to go through I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read it again.  They were hard to read but the thing that really struck me was how often I said I just wanted to be good enough.

Not feeling good enough is not really a new feeling for me.  When I was little my mom asked my Aunt to be my secret friend.  She sent me a few cards (which I still have) with notes building me up and a necklace (which I lost).  My mom signed me up for Girl Scouts to give me something of mine own.   Why did my mom do this for me?  I didn’t ask her for either thing.  She did it because I was so shy I wouldn’t do anything unless my older sister was also going.  I followed her around for years!

Truth be told I am still shy and unsure of myself. I don’t really like doing things without my hubby.  He is the one I follow around now!  I am tired of being scared of everything and feeling unsure about who I really am.

I made a decision.  I am going to research, look for, pray about and generally do everything I can to find confidence.  My goal is to change the way I feel about myself and the way I react to the world.  To keep myself on track and accountable I am going to post here on my blog everyday for 30 days.  I will post the things I learn, how my journey is going and the scary things I am doing to gain more confidence.

I hope you will join me in my journey and that some of the things I learn will help you also!

I just did a Thing

I did a thing and to most people this thing is not that big of a deal.  To me it is HUGE!

My thing?? I just set my alarm for 5:15am for tomorrow morning!! And I am excited about it! Why is this such a big deal?  Because I have never liked to get up.  In fact when my hubby and I were engaged we were at a family reunion and my siblings were ready to go hiking and I was still asleep.  They sent my hubby up to wake me up.  When my Dad noticed he was gone from the living room he asked where my hubby had gone.  When my sister said to wake up Janna.  Dad said well that engagement is off.

Through the dark days of anxiety and depression sleep was even more precious to me.  I could escape through sleep.  In fact when my oldest was in first grade he would have to come and wake me up for school.  Yep a 6 year old was waking up his mom for school.

Why does all of this matter? It matters because I want you to know that things change.  You will get better.  The days aren’t always hard and the world isn’t always scary.

I am excited to wake up in the morning now because I have dreams and goals.  I still deal with depression and anxiety; some days are just hard.  It does get better.  There is a light.  Life changes for the better.  There are so many people rooting for you and cheering you on.  You don’t even know!

You are loved, keep up the fight!

Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash

 

I choose to stand

Like everyone else the last few days some part of my brain has been focused on the tragedy in Las Vegas.

As I was listening to a news broadcast yesterday.  One of the people talking said that the feeling of being safe in your world has been taken away.  That for his children they no longer felt safe.  My kids have not grown up with the feeling of safety other kids do.  Most kids grow up believing that bad things don’t happen. Tragedy and sadness and hurt is something that belongs to other people.

Not my kids.  They know bad things happen.  They know that kids are hurt everyday.  They know that people die everyday.  Now let me be clear my kids live a very protected and sheltered life in most ways.  They have a safe place to live and they know we will do everything to protect them.  They don’t have to worry about where their next meal will come from or if they will have a place to sleep tonight.

However,  my husband is a police officer and a SWAT team member.  They know bad things happen.  They know that when those bad things happen their daddy will go running into the fray to protect everyone he can.  They know that this world is not safe.  Sometimes I feel bad for them because they have not grown up with a feeling of safety that most people take for granted.

But in other ways I am so grateful for the lives they lead.  I am grateful that they know what a true hero is.  They don’t care what sports players, actors or politicians do or don’t do because those aren’t their heroes.  They know police officers, EMTs, paramedics and firefighters.  They know soldiers current and veterans.  They know teachers that give everything to help them succeed.  They know that even when scary things happen there are people that will stand up for what is right.  Those people will stand up and save those that they can, often with their last breath.

Bad things happen and it hurts.  But good things and good people are all around us.  They are their standing up and helping each other.  They are their standing up and saving each other.  They are there standing up and fighting to make this world safe, to make this world fair.  They are there standing up and doing all they can to take care of each other.

I choose to stand.

People are Scary!

People are really really scary.

What if I say something embarrassing?  What if I make a fool of myself again? What if I can’t solve their problem?  What if I can’t make them happy?  What if I am not good enough?  What if….What if….What if?

What if just keeps going through my mind.  I know it is because of the anxiety, with some perfectionism thrown in there for fun.  Knowing this doesn’t make socializing any easier. It makes me think 2 or 3 times before I say anything. Because trust me when I don’t really really bad things come out of my mouth.

These what ifs have kept me from reaching out to people since we have moved. It has been almost exactly a year since we moved and I really don’t have any friends.

I get frustrated with myself often.  But then I go and put my pajama pants on and all is good!  Life, though, isn’t lived in front of the T.V.

The truth is people are really really fun too. People will share the most amazing stories with you.  People you don’t even know will love and take care of you. People are all scared and uncomfortable at some point.

Not connecting with people makes for a lonely life.  So it might be scary and I might say something really dumb.  (Sorry honey it is usually about you!) But I am going to do it!  Wish me luck.

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