Category: habits

What is your Why?

My boss asked me a great question the other day. We were discussing a promotion and she asked me why I wanted the promotion. She wanted to know  more than the usual I want a pay increase. We had a great discussion about my why and it got me to thinking about my why in so many areas of my life.

Why do I parent? Why am I a spouse? Why do I work? Why do I coach? Why do serve in my church? Have you ever thought about your why? I know sometimes it can be overwhelming because it seems like it takes all you have to get through the day. If you know your why, however, it makes getting through the day a whole lot easier.

I spent some time figuring out my why and here are some tips and questions to ask yourself:

  1. Every why isn’t going to be profound. Sometimes your why is because you like having a place to live and food to eat. That is ok. If that is your why that is great; move on to another area in your life you feel more passionate about.
  2. Every area of your life does not need a why. I would encourage you to find one thing in your life that you really love and does inspire a why that fuels you and think about how you can get more of that why in your life.
  3. For the area(s) of you life you want to really focus on spend some quiet time thinking about why. Why do you want this in your life? Why does it matter to you? What would your life be like without it? How can you get more of this why in your life?

As you figure out your why it makes life decisions even easier. If one of your whys is to learn how to play the piano then you know that you are going to need to say no to go out every night after work because you need time to practice. Knowing your why will also help you to remove or change some things in your life.

What is one area of your life you would like to write a why about? I would love to hear about it in the comments and the why you come up with!

What is Your Focus?

 

I got new glasses last year. I have been using reading glasses for a few years but this year I took the plunge and got old lady glasses. Yep progressive lenses, this way I can read all the time not just when I have my reading glasses with me.

This got me to thinking about the things that I focus on. Have you noticed that the things you focus on seem to get bigger? This is especially true with negative thoughts. Once the thought comes into my head that something is scary it just starts growing and growing. Pretty soon everything I think about is now focused in fear.

What about when you decided to start making healthier food choices? Soon all you can see are the treats that you want to eat. Or that the lunch you made can’t be as good as a drive thru burger.

What happens if you decide to change the focus of your thoughts? Instead of focusing on the thought that everything is scary I can be truthful with myself that what I am trying may be scary but it is something that I choose to do. Or the drive thru thought, if I change my focus to looking at how I feel when I get that drive thru burger or how I feel when I eat the lunch I made making the choice may not seem like I am losing out on something yummy.

I know that I make it sound so simple: Just change your thoughts! The truth is it is simple but it isn’t easy. It takes work everyday to change the focus of your thoughts. The good news is that it is like a muscle. The more that you practice changing your thoughts the easier it gets to focus on the good things in your life.

If you need help with a specific thought that has been bothering you please contact me. I would love to help you learn how to change that thought.

PS Yes I really do have my Christmas decorations still up!

What is Self Care?

Have you heard about self care? What do you think self care is? Do you practice self care? From a lot that I read many people believe that self care is all about going to the spa, taking baths and generally pampering yourself.

I believe that is part of self care but self care is so much more. Self care is setting yourself up to take the best care of yourself. It is meal prepping so that you have healthy food to eat throughout the week. It is cleaning your house weekly so that you can feel comfortable. It is exercising even when you don’t feel like it because you know it will help you feel better. Self care is doing the hard things that you may not want to do so that you can feel better.

How did self care get so twisted around? I think it is because when people think about taking care of themselves they think of the nice things that feel good to do. Meal prepping isn’t fun but having healthy food ready for the week sets you up for success. Eating good food consistently will also help you feel better more often.

Self care is also learning what experiences or people will trigger you to feel off. When you know what may set you off you are better able to make a plan to deal with those triggers. I recently had an experience that in the past would have put me in a tailspin. Because I have been working to strengthen and understand myself I didn’t react like I would have in the past. This is part of self care.

I will never pass up a spa day but I am not going to put off taking care of myself today. Self care is more about creating a life you love. What do you consider self care that someone may not have thought of?

When to Stop.

I have been obsessed with people pleasing lately. Not so much doing it but trying to figure out why making other people happy is so important to me. Sometimes my brain gets like this, I get hyper-focused on one thing. Honestly, it is crazy annoying.

I love to figure out why and how. I love to know why I do the things I do. And I love to know how to fix the things I don’t like that I do.  That is why I focus so much on my thoughts because I know that when I do I can catch an anxiety attack before it happens. Because I pay close attention to myself I know how to combat the anxiety.

But at times all of this attention backfires and I really start annoying myself. Because I have been hyper-focused on people pleasing, I have been trying to figure out how to stop it. So then I pay really close attention to how I am interacting with other people. Am I doing this to make them happy? How are they reacting? Do they look happy? How do I know when she is happy with what I do? How will she react? What are they thinking about me?

Right now I just need to stop. All of the focus is just making me more annoyed and more focused on people pleasing. Most of the time I know that focusing on my thoughts helps me to stop the crazy. But this time I think the focus is making more crazy. Sometimes just stopping the thought makes more of a difference.

From now on when it comes to people pleasing I am done trying to figure it all out. When the thoughts come I am going to shut them down. Maybe less focus will make the issue smaller.

This isn’t 100% True

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I bombed that test, I am such an idiot.” or how about, “I am so embarrassed I said that to her, I am so horrible with people no wonder I don’t have any friends.”  If you have you have been guilty of emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when you take what you are feeling and tell yourself that how you are feeling is how you are.

Most people will do this on occasion but they don’t stay stuck on the thought. However, if you are experiencing anxiety you take this thought and continue to build on it until you have convinced yourself that you are horrible and deserve the panic attack.

What can you do to fight against the emotional reasoning? First you need to pay attention to the things you are thinking about. Once you do that you can start fighting back against them. One technique I just learned about is to write down the thought then list every reason why this thought is not 100% true.

This technique is great for a couple of reasons. I love to write things down because seeing things in black and white makes it so much easier to see the truth. Also, by writing down all of the reasons why something is not true you are reminded of the good things and you can fight the anxiety.

Let’s take my thought of saying something embarrassing and not having any friends. As I begin to find reasons why this isn’t true I remember that in line at the store last week I struck up a conversation with the person in front of me so I write that down. Then I remember that we had friends over for dinner last month so I obviously have friends so I write that down. As I remember each experience I am reminded of another one.

Once I have a few reasons why that thought isn’t 100% true I can put the bad experience into perspective. I did say something embarrassing but no one is perfect. They probably don’t even remember it. If they do bring it up I can apologize and laugh it off.

After you have done this a few times you can start to combat the negative thoughts in your mind without needing to write them down. Although, I still write some of them down just to get them out of my head. Being able to fight against the negative thoughts of anxiety gives you back the power of your life. When you try this technique I would love to hear how it works for you!

Clean Out that Closet!

I love, love, love Marie Kondo’s show Tidying Up on Netflix. It is so relaxing to watch because Marie Kondo is so sweet and kind to the people she meets. I love how excited she gets when she sees a messy drawer she can clean out. I especially love to see the change that comes over people as they deal with all of the stuff they have collected.

This weekend I, finally, took some time to clean out the bookcases in our living room. I love books and I collect them like baseball cards. Because of this I have two bookcases filled with books, more overflowing onto the floor and some even stashed under my bed. I love having all of these books but to be honest it was a mess! (Plus I run a library I do have access to plenty of books.)

I hated to have people see this mess and since it was in our front room anyone coming over saw the monster. Also, it is a mental burden to know I have all of these books I haven’t read. As I went through all of the books choosing which ones to keep I felt the load of having too much begin to lift off my shoulders. I was able to fit all of my books into the two bookcases.  They are now organized and the kids can find extra paper and notebooks.

As I was hauling the boxes out to my car to donate I felt like I was ready to take on more. I felt like it was past time to go through my closet. I also felt more in charge of my life. Sometimes just getting rid of old stuff can help you feel so much better. Maybe that is why Marie Kondo is so happy, she doesn’t have any old stuff to pull her down.

Do you have some old stuff to get rid of? Are you ready to clean out the old beliefs in your brain that aren’t serving you? Now is a great time to start working on changes you have been thinking about. Choose one thing you know would make a difference in your life and start there. You will find that one thing has a snowball effect on the rest of your life. And if I can help to make these changes I would be honored to help.

The Change Cycle

I hate change! I have fought against change most of my life because I like to be comfortable and the here and now is comfortable. I feel like the majority of people feel the same way. We don’t like change. That is why it is so hard to make changes in our lives. It is much easier to stay where it is safe and where we know what to expect. Because of my own reaction to change and the work I have done with clients I have come to realize how change works. Change is coming at us each day. We can choose to fight against it or learn how to deal with it.

The first part of the cycle is “anticipation of change” this is where we know that something is coming. Maybe we are moving, starting a new job or even something as simple as someone coming to visit. All of these are an interruption of our normal lives. Right at this point we have power over our thoughts. Are we going to focus on all of the bad things that MIGHT happen or do we focus on the good things this change will bring? The change is coming. However, we can make it worse or better depending on how we think about the change.

The next part of the cycle is the change has happened. We have moved, started that new job or the visitor is at our house. We are now living in the change. Now we have the choice of how we are going to deal with the change. We have a couple of choices. We can choose to make this a positive change, neutral or  negative change. The first and I think the best choice is to choose to make the most of the change and learn all we can from it. Although this change may be a negative change like an anxiety disorder getting out of control we can still choose to learn and grow from it. 

Or we can choose to live with the change in a state of neutrality. We don’t learn from it but we don’t make it negative either. Although, this choice is not as helpful as choosing to make it a positive change it is not as destructive as choosing to make it a negative change. We just coast along in the change. Finally, we can make the change a negative change. We can become bitter because we are so angry about the change. We complain about the change to ourselves and to anyone that will listen. But we never choose to do anything to make it better. This choice will continue to guide us down a negative pathway that becomes worse and worse the longer we follow this path.

The next part of the change cycle is when we begin to become comfortable with the change. It is no longer exciting or upsetting.  Life begins to settle down again and the change begins to become part of our life. As stated with the change portion we choose whether we are going to look at this change in a positive or negative light. This stage will lay the foundation for how this change will affect the rest of our lives. We get to choose the direction our life will take.

Finally, the last portion of the change cycle is the change becoming the new normal of our lives. The change has happened we are living with it. We have made the choice if we want to be positive or negative about this change and that choice is playing out in our life. If we have chosen to make it a positive change the change has made our life better. We learned something from this change and we are able to use that to help others. Or we choose to make the change a negative change. We didn’t learn anything and instead of helping others we are pushing people away because they don’t want to listen to the negativity anymore.

This cycle continues over and over again. Sometimes quickly in day such as a stupid driver on the interstate cutting us off. That change can take place in a few minutes. Or the change can take place over several years to our entire lives. The change of dealing with an anxiety disorder is something I have dealt with most of my life. 

As I think about the change cycle and using a negative change to bring positive I think of Elizabeth Smart. She was kidnapped out of her bed as a teenager and held for 9 months. When she was finally rescued she had a choice to make. Her mom told her that she could choose to let her captors continue to hold her by living in anger and fear or she could choose to live her life. Elizabeth choose to live her life. She advocates for missing children she now has a family of her own and is changing the world because she choose to make a change a positive one. 

It is examples like hers that shows me that anyone can make a positive out of any change they encounter in life. It is all up to us what we choose to do with the change. I hope you will choose to make a positive change.

Expectations

I want to make sure everyone gets along.

I want to be sure that everyone is happy.

I want to be sure everyone likes me.

I want to help everyone feel comfortable at the party.

I want to help others understand their worth.

This is a list of expectations that I have had for myself at different times in my life. Some of them are doable and good goals. Others are expectations that are toxic for my frame of mind. I have had times when I want to force people to be happy. I don’t necessarily think that when I am in the situation but that is where it goes.

So what do you do when you find yourself with unrealistic expectations? First, you have to recognize that what you are thinking or doing is not reachable. Wanting to help people feel comfortable at a party is doable. You can introduce them around to the other people. You can make sure they have food and that they know where the bathroom is. But needing everyone to get along is an expectation that is toxic. You can’t make people like each other, no matter what you do.

Second, once you realize that your expectations are out of control you can explore why you are so focused on achieving that thing. One of my major expectations is that I want people to get along and be friends, no matter what. When I started to think about this I realized that it comes from being bullied as a teenager. I know what it is like to be on the outside and it is a horrible feeling. Not wanting someone else to feel like that drives me to the extreme of trying to make everyone like each other. It makes me hyper focus on situations when I think people aren’t getting along. And I spend way too much time trying to fix the “problem”.

Finally, spend some time working through the thinking error that is causing the expectation. I have had to learn how to like myself no matter what other people think. I have come to realize that situations that I think need “fixed” the others don’t see a problem. I have had to learn boundaries and know that even if there is a problem unless I am one of the people involved the problem has nothing to do with me. It takes work and at times I still find myself sucked into trying to fix a problem. However, I can work through it much faster than I used to.

We have all learned expectations throughout our lives. The choice is now ours if we want to keep those expectations or not. We can do the work to let them go or we can stay stuck. I hope you choose to let them go.

Dumb Enough to Believe

The fire in my heart is to support and encourage people to believe that they can accomplish their goals. I heard a quote from Dave Ramsey that really struck me he said:

My parents told us we could do anything. And we were dumb enough to believe them.

I was glad I wasn’t driving when I heard this quote. Because I stopped in my kitchen to think about what he said. He was talking about his parents and the way they raised him and his siblings. His parents continually told him that he could do anything – and he believed them.

I know that I haven’t always been the type of person that thought anything was possible. I spent YEARS afraid of everything. I tried to hide the fear from my kids and encourage them to go and experience life. And now I am starting to believe what I have been telling them.

I can see the amazing things that are out in the world. I can see that it may be scary to start something new but it is exhilarating too.  It can seem overwhelming and confusing trying to figure out what to do next but it is exciting to take a step into the new.

What have you been thinking about trying? What would you like to change about your life? What excites you? I would love to hear! And I would be thrilled to help you on this journey. You can reach me by contacting me here.

Let’s be dumb enough to believe that we can accomplish anything!

The sloth life

I should have been born a sloth. It’s true there are days I hate moving! I had a short run of a mile and a half and it took me 20 minutes just to work up the energy to go get changed. Changing the toilet paper roll annoys me some days and we all know how easy that is!

I told my son that I should have been a sloth and he said, “then you would have to pop through your skin.” My response? “At least I wouldn’t have to move.”

But I wasn’t born a sloth and I have dreams and goals so that means I do have to move. To help myself I have decided on a new course of action: Do it now and stop thinking about it.

Instead of wasting time and mental energy thinking or whining because I have something to do I just do it! Get it over with then I can either relax because I got my work done or move on to the next thing. Once I start moving it is easier to keep moving.

Because I went for my run this morning it was easier to get this post written. Now I am on a roll and will go practice my scales.

Is there something you have been putting off because it seems too hard? Or you just don’t want to do it? Start now! I promise you are wasting more mental energy thinking or worrying over it than it will take to do. I know because I do the same thing. Just stop thinking and go do that thing!

Excuse me I have scales waiting for me…