Category: depression

Shame, shame, shame

I asked my 12 year old son the other day what I should write about. He said, “Tell people that it is ok to get help. There isn’t any shame in getting help if you have anxiety.” Out of the mouth of babes. (well Tweens)

It is so true. We put so much pressure on ourselves to just be ok. To not ask for help and to do everything perfectly. We feel shame because we suffer from a mental disorder. When we didn’t ask for it or create it. Why is there shame in having a mental disorder but not a physical disorder?  We need to remember that mental disorders are biological not something we choose or caused.

That is why I started this blog, to help fight against the stigma surrounding mental health. To show that you can live an incredible, awesome life even with anxiety and depression. To talk about taking medication and going to therapy and just plain talking about mental health.

I have felt like I have been looked down on because I take medication. Because I wasn’t able to just pull myself up. It bothered me for a little while but then I reminded myself that they don’t live my life. They don’t know what it was like when I wasn’t on medication. They don’t know what my family life was like back then versus how it is now. They don’t know how grateful I am that most of the time I function just like everyone else.

I don’t want to go back to those days where I barely functioned so I take medication. I don’t want to go back to those dark days so when I feel myself falling back down there I go to a counselor. I find ways to deal constructively with the thoughts in my head.

I have also been taking a class to get certified as a life coach. To be honest I wish I had found a coach when I was going through the worst of the anxiety. The tools and ideas I have been learning are life changing. I am so excited to be able to help other people get out of the downward spiral even faster.

As my son said, “it is ok to get help there isn’t any shame in having a mental disorder.” Please just take care of yourself.

He loves me

Dying by suicide is one of the most painful ways to lose someone. I have written before about how a person gets to the point that they believe suicide is the best way they can help their loved ones. As hard as it is to believe the person thinking of dying by suicide truly believes they are helping their loved ones by leaving.

I have been thinking about things that have helped me to fight back against the monster of suicide. Today I am sharing two things that have made a difference for me. There are many other ways to help and take care of yourself. If these ideas don’t work for you keep looking for the ideas or support that will make a difference for you. It may take time but you are worth the time and effort to love yourself and take care of yourself.

There is the Crisis Text Line. This is a confidential text service that you can use no matter your crisis. The crisis counselors are trained to support the texters in whatever situation they may be in. This is a service you can use if you are in crisis or if you are a friend of someone in crisis. Text ‘help’ to 741741. If you are thinking of suicide text ‘suicide’ and you will be put at the front of the line to talk to a crisis counselor.

Another way I believe can help all people thinking of dying by suicide is to know who they are. Saturday on Instagram I say a post from one of the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Gary E. Stevens. He was speaking of visiting Brazil and meeting youth of the Church he wrote:

A very important message for youth everywhere is to know your eternal identity as a child of God. Be aware that Satan will try to deceive you about who you are. He is quite fixed on confusing us about that truth. The Lord is saddened when you compare yourself to your peers. The adversary would have you think that you don’t have enough friends or enough “likes” on Instagram. Always remember that the most important “like” is that the Lord loves you.

In fact, He loves you deeply. I invite you to stand in front of the mirror every morning and say to yourself, “I am amazing and awesome. I am a son/daughter of God. He loves me.”

How powerful and how quickly would saying those words to our reflection change the way we feel. I wrote these words on my mirror so that I can remind myself daily whose I really am.

The knowledge that we are children of God, who loves us can help to change the negative and scary thoughts about ourselves. It can change the belief that we aren’t good enough and that we need to die. There have been many times that I have pored out my heart to the Lord weeping and screaming that I just wanted the to pain to end. The answers and the peace didn’t come as quickly as I wanted but they came each day as I choose to stay and fight the pain.

If you are considering dying by suicide please talk to someone. Find a friend, parent, teacher, doctor, or counselor that can help and support you. This world needs you, there is a purpose to your life and you make a difference just by being here. Remember you are a child of God and He loves you.

Depression is not Laziness!

Sometimes it is difficult to not call yourself names when you are going through a depressive episode. You feel as if you are the laziest person on the planet because all you do is sit. It doesn’t help that people that don’t understand depression may believe you are lazy. They want to know why you can’t just DO something.

The reason is because you are experiencing depression. Depression changes the way you think, feel, and interact with the world. Depression makes you feel like you are continually moving through thick maple syrup. Everything you do takes twice as much effort. Just to think of a plan for the day can take all of your mental effort. And if you are anything like me your brain is still running wild which makes you even more exhausted.

So how do you keep the negative thoughts of depression from taking over?

First, by understanding the truth of depression. It is a sickness in your brain. It is just the same as heart disease or diabetes, it is a sickness. It is not anything that you choose or that you caused. Depression is a consequence of being mortal. It sucks and it is horrible but it is not your fault. You are not broken, you are not lazy, you are nothing but human.

Second, knowing that depression is mean. It will call you names and tell you horrible things about yourself. But don’t listen to it. Depression lies. The horrible things it tells you are lies.  When they come to attack you fight them with all the good things people have told you. Start a box or journal with kind notes that have been sent to you. Write down the kind things that people tell you. Print off or screenshot positive things people have posted to your social media accounts. Then when depression tells you the mean, awful things you can fight them with the truth.

Finally, learn all you can about depression and how it manifests in your life. Encourage the people around you to learn all they can about depression and how to take care of themselves. I am sure that you have heard that knowledge is power. The more you know and the more tools you have the better equipped you will be to fight depression when it comes. Having more tools makes it easier to fight against depression.

I hate depression and I hate the consequences that come from dealing with depression. But I know the harder you fight against it the stronger you will become. The stronger you become the less power depression has over you. Take some time this week to research a new way to fight depression. Give yourself one more way to overcome this monster.

Sneak Attack

The majority of the time I handle depression well. I take medication that helps control both the depression and anxiety. I have learned to raise my thoughts about depression’s black hole. I have learned that gratitude for my life helps to counter any sadness I may feel.

The bad thing about depression though is that it does sneak attacks. There are times when I am going along just fine and then I get clothes-lined with sadness. I feel like my life is horrible and that it will never get better. I feel like my family would be much better off without me. And I can’t find one small thing to be grateful for.

I have learned that there are going to be days like this. Even though the depression is mostly under control there are days the blackness breaks through. I have learned a few things from these days.

First off, it is ok that I still have these days. I will probably always have bad days. I don’t know that I will ever be able to say that I am cured from depression. But I don’t let it have so much control on those days. I celebrate that I am not on the floor crying even though I feel horrible. That is a win when it comes to depression.

Second, I have learned that I haven’t done anything wrong to make depression come back. The depression can lie and tell you that this all your fault. That you are a horrible person and that is why you feel this way. I have learned that those are lies. Sure my brain chemistry is different but I didn’t DO anything to bring the depression on.

Lastly, I have learned that the bad days don’t last forever. I have learned that on those bad days I don’t push as hard. I rest and I let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling. Because trying to force myself to feel better is too much work. I know that the depression is not going to last forever and I keep moving to make it through this bad time.

If I could change things, if I could wave a magic wand and take away the depression forever I probably would. But that is not going to happen any time soon. I have learned to live with that and to know that I can be happy any way. I hope that you learn that too. That you know your life matters and that it does get better!

When life is HARD.

The other day my youngest son had made some plans that he was fired up about but then they fell through at the last minute. I knew that he was sad about what happened but he was trying not to show it.

As we were driving home I asked him a few different questions to try and get him to tell me how he was feeling. (Sometimes getting an eleven year old boy to talk about his feelings is a challenge.) Finally, he said to me, “Mom are there times when you feel bad about something but you feel bad about feeling bad because other people have it so much harder?” Oh yes my son all. the. time.

I knew what he was feeling. He was feeling blessed because of the wonderful life he has but also feeling bad for the plans that had fallen through. I told him, “Other people having a harder time doesn’t make what you are feeling any less hard.” Life hurts no matter how wonderful of a life you have been blessed with.

There were so many times in the middle of the depression that I felt guilty because I had so much and yet felt so terrible. I thought about all of the moms around the world that couldn’t feed their children, I thought about the dads that couldn’t provide a safe home for their families. And you know what happened? I felt worse, the guilt was overwhelming. It took me a long time to learn the lesson that the suffering of others didn’t make my suffering any less. I still hurt and I still struggled no matter what others were experiencing.

We often talk about how we shouldn’t compare what others have to what we have because it takes away the gratitude for what we do have. I also think that we shouldn’t compare the bad things we go through with the bad that others have to go through. When we do this we don’t let ourselves feel the pain of our own struggle. When we don’t completely feel the pain of our own struggles we are less able to feel empathetic to others. When we don’t feel our own pain we can’t heal it. Just as we shouldn’t compare our good we shouldn’t compare our bad either.

Does that mean that we should build a house and live in our pain and disappointment? No, it is something to go through not a place to live. By feeling and going through my pain, I was able to learn and grow. I am now better able to reach out and help others. I am more able to feel others’ pain and help them carry that pain.

Take a minute and breathe. Remind yourself that what you are feeling and experiencing is not going to last forever. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel bad when things don’t work out the way you wanted, hoped, and prayed for. Remind yourself that it is OK to hurt even though other people have it so much worse than you. Remind yourself that you are loved and needed in this world.

When you have these reminders firmly in mind. Open your eyes and spread that peace and joy throughout your day and around your life. Your life, the good and the bad is yours to live, no one else.

Prayer has changed me

One thing that anxiety has brought me that I am most grateful for, is better prayers. I love to listen and feel when people truly pray. I love the spirit and peace that is brought into a room and a heart when a person shares their faith through prayer.

Honestly, I have never been good at prayer. I have had a hard time quieting my mind enough to feel a connection to God when I pray. I often feel that I repeat the same thing all of the time or that I am just repeating a long list of things I want. It feels like I am just writing a letter to Santa.

To combat the anxiety I have learned how to quiet my mind, how to slow down my thoughts, and to really think about what I am doing in the moment. Meditation has helped in doing this. I have also learned to change my prayers.

The other night I found myself praying over and over again: please just fix this, please just fix it, please just take this away. This has been a common prayer in my life. I sob and beg for the Lord to just change me and take all of the anxiety and depression away. When I start to go down into the spiral I just want it gone. As I knelt there my thoughts and prayers changed.

I remembered that I am an adult and I can choose the way I act. I also know that the depression and anxiety will probably never completely go away. So I started to change my prayer. I asked to be made stronger, to be able to handle the down days. I asked to know what else I need to learn from the anxiety and depression. I asked to know what is the next thing I need to do to overcome the anxiety.

Although, I didn’t magically change, answers didn’t start dropping from heaven, my attitude changed. Instead of just praying to be changed in an instant I was reminded that this life is a marathon not a sprint. When I choose to partner with the Lord in changing my life the change I was begging for begins. As I changed my prayer from begging to listening I was able to open my heart to communication from God.

Nothing in my life will change until I make a change. I may still have some of the begging prayers. But instead of feeling forgotten by God I remember that He wants to work with me. Healing will come. As we work together toward that healing I am learning and changing more than if the Lord just took away the anxiety. Although I don’t love having anxiety I am grateful that it has led me to a better relationship with my Father.

Why I exercise…

maria-fernanda-gonzalez-461521-unsplash (1)Last week I wrote about taking medication for depression and anxiety.  If you missed it you can read it here. I wrote that piece to help open up the dialogue around taking medication for mental illness.

But taking medication is not the only thing that I do to take care of myself. This week I am starting a series on tools that I have used to overcome anxiety and depression. Today we are going to talk about everyone’s favorite answer to any health question: eat right and exercise.  I know I know I hate this answer but it really does work.

First what we put in our bodies, because this the hardest for me. I love chocolate, I love any food that I don’t have to cook (which probably means it is full of butter and cream because yumm), I love Dr. Pepper especially if it is Sonic Dirty Dr. Pepper. As I was working to find answers about what to do for the anxiety I kept reading about caffeine. I dare you to google caffeine and anxiety.

You will get lists of pages that talk about the link between the two. On WebMD there is an article about this link called Brewing Trouble. Dr. Roland Griffiths a PhD professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine said, “People often see coffee, tea, and soft drinks simply as beverages rather than vehicles for a psychoactive drug. But caffeine can exacerbate anxiety and panic disorders.”

The problem being is that caffeine is a stimulant and if you are “predisposed to anxiety disorders, caffeine can trigger a spiral of sensations–sweaty palms, a pounding heart, ringing in the ears–that leads to a full-blown panic attack.” Says Rebecca A. Clay the author of Brewing Trouble. As someone that has anxiety I know that it is a very short step from the caffeine making me more alert to being anxious because of the stimulation.

So I made the decision to stop drinking sodas and it did help.  I was then able to recognize the physical symptoms of anxiety without the added stimulation from caffeine. To be completely honest I have gone back to drinking some soda, however, it is a very small amount. I think I gross out my husband sometimes because I can drink one can of soda over a couple of days. I don’t know why I don’t mind drinking warm flat soda. I know it is weird.  

If you are having problems with anxiety I would encourage you to decrease the amount of caffeine you drink. By cutting out that stimulant it will help to decrease the amount of anxiety symptoms you have.

Now my favorite part: EXERCISE! Honestly I never thought that I would love to work out as much as I do. I was fairly active as a kid I never participated in sports but I danced and did drill team. As I got older I would run or work out off and on.

As the anxiety was getting more and more out of control I started P90X with Tony Horton. I love that man! He said one thing that I still focus on when my thoughts start to get out of control, “Do your best and forget the rest.” Everyday when I did a workout I felt a little bit better. I could think clearer and I felt my mood lift. I know now that after you work out your body releases endorphins which are the feel good chemicals in your brain. So every time I work out I know that I am giving my brain a little boost.

In a Harvard Health Letter updated April 2018 Dr. Michael Craig Miller said, “For some people it (exercise) works as well as antidepressants, although exercise alone isn’t enough for some with severe depression.” The Mayo clinic has also found that “exercise helps ease the symptoms of anxiety. It may also help keep depression and anxiety from coming back once you’re feeling better.”

I have done a few different things when it comes to working out. As I said I have done P90X, I run and I have started back to lifting weights with a trainer. I don’t always want to go workout but after I do I feel so much better. I remember reading a book by a runner that moved his family to Africa (I don’t remember the country or the name of the book sorry!) to train with the long distance runners there. One day his son asked him before he left for a run, “Daddy why do you like to run?” The author explained, “I didn’t really know what to tell him because before a run you really don’t like to do it. After is when you feel really good about running.”

I think that is true about any type of exercise. Beforehand you really don’t want to do it because you know it is going to be hard. But after you feel so good for doing that hard thing. And the endorphins!

Being aware of what I put into my body and moving my body has been a huge help to overcoming anxiety. I know it is hard because change always will be. Any small step you take to treating yourself better will help yourself to feel better. What one thing will you do today to treat yourself better? Do it, you deserve it!

Medication is not a bad thing

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I take medication for anxiety and have for a few years now. I have taken medication on and off since my twenties. It helps me to better regulate my emotions and thoughts. It helps me not feel so overwhelmed with life.

I know that my brain doesn’t always work right. I know I need help with getting my emotions and feelings to the base line most people live with on a regular basis. The one thing I don’t understand is why some people believe that taking medication for a mental illness is a bad thing.

The stigma surrounding taking medication for a mental illness is devastating. I think this stigma causes too many people to not get the help they need. Leading to more problems and pain for them and their families.

I am grateful that as mental illness becomes better understood and talked about church leaders are helping their followers to understand that seeking help is a good thing. Jeffery R. Holland an Apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has said:

“If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation”.

I remember when this talk was given at a General Conference (which is the world wide gathering of our Church) in 2013. I gave a huge sigh of relief because he told all of the people in the church that it is okay and important to get help out side of prayer for mental issues.

As Christians I think that many times we feel that we should be able to overcome any emotional problem with prayer. We have faith that God will take away our mental problems if we are just good enough. Although I do know that God can heal us I also know that God expects us to use everything at our disposal to get to that healing He wants for us. I also know that sometimes that healing will not come in this life and that is okay. I will continue to do all I can to become healed.

I also think we feel guilty for being depressed or anxious because of all the blessing we have in our lives. I shouldn’t feel bad because I have a wonderful family, a safe warm home and friends that love me. But mental illness doesn’t care what you do or don’t have it can come to anyone.

I know that taking medication has saved me and my family. I will continue to fight to breakdown the stigma surrounding taking medication. Because I believe to will save other people and other families.

So the next time you hear or know or are told that someone one know is taking medication celebrate them. Let them know you are proud of them. Know that they are taking care of themselves. Let’s support and love each other.

No regrets

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I hear it all the time: live your life so you don’t have any regrets. I would love to do that, I would love to say that I never did anything I regret, that I took every chance, that I was there for my children whenever they needed. But when I am honest I do have regrets.

I don’t remember much from when the kids were little. I have baby books for them that are completely empty. I don’t have locks of hair that I saved for them. I don’t remember when they got their first tooth. I don’t know when they lost their first tooth. I don’t know if watching me deal with anxiety and depression as they grew has messed them up.

The other night one of the boys thought I was getting mad at him about something. When I asked why he would think I would be mad about that, he said “When I was little you would get mad about all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I am not sure how you are going to react.” Although I am glad that he feels comfortable enough that he can tell me how he feels; I was cut to the heart because of what he experienced when he was smaller. I did have a hair trigger temper, I was strung so tight I exploded at very small things. Huge regret right there.

Really to live with no regrets I would have to be perfect. I would have to know the exact perfect choice to make. If I were perfect I would never hurt anyone. If I were perfect I would never make a mistake. But I’m not perfect so how can I live with no regrets? Two ways: repentance and acceptance.

I am going to make mistakes. I still hurt the people that I love. No matter how hard I try I will always do things that hurt others. That is where repentance comes in. Being able to be open and honest and asking for forgiveness makes all the difference. I will make mistakes, being able to repair those mistakes with forgiveness is a gift I have been given by Heavenly Father. “Repentance isn’t [God’s] backup plan in the event we might fail. Repentance is His plan, knowing that we will.” Lynn G. Robbins.

Heavenly Father knew we would make mistakes and that we would hurt each other. He made us a way through Jesus Christ that we can work to make those mistakes better. Knowing that I can change gives me hope to know that I don’t have to stay as the scary mom my kids are afraid of.

The other way I deal with those regrets is by accepting who I was and the problems I was dealing with.  I was just trying to survive and keep everyone fed during the worst of the anxiety. I can’t go back and do those years over again, no matter how much I wish for just that. I have to accept that is the way it was and try to do better from here.

I still don’t keep baby books or scrapbooks. But I do take more pictures, I keep school and church achievements (someday I may even organize them!), I work to be present when I am around my family. I tell them everyday how much they mean to me. I am honest about those years and I tell them I am sorry.

I accept that those years are in our past and I can’t change them. But I don’t live in the past. I am learning how I don’t want to act and changing the things I do in the present. When I make mistakes I try to be quick to ask for forgiveness.

I believe regrets are part of everyone’s life. How we deal with them makes all the difference. Be kind to yourself, know you are doing the best you can, love yourself and share that love with others. You are amazing! How do you deal with regrets?

I just did a Thing

I did a thing and to most people this thing is not that big of a deal.  To me it is HUGE!

My thing?? I just set my alarm for 5:15am for tomorrow morning!! And I am excited about it! Why is this such a big deal?  Because I have never liked to get up.  In fact when my hubby and I were engaged we were at a family reunion and my siblings were ready to go hiking and I was still asleep.  They sent my hubby up to wake me up.  When my Dad noticed he was gone from the living room he asked where my hubby had gone.  When my sister said to wake up Janna.  Dad said well that engagement is off.

Through the dark days of anxiety and depression sleep was even more precious to me.  I could escape through sleep.  In fact when my oldest was in first grade he would have to come and wake me up for school.  Yep a 6 year old was waking up his mom for school.

Why does all of this matter? It matters because I want you to know that things change.  You will get better.  The days aren’t always hard and the world isn’t always scary.

I am excited to wake up in the morning now because I have dreams and goals.  I still deal with depression and anxiety; some days are just hard.  It does get better.  There is a light.  Life changes for the better.  There are so many people rooting for you and cheering you on.  You don’t even know!

You are loved, keep up the fight!

Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash