Category: depression

What is Your Focus?

 

I got new glasses last year. I have been using reading glasses for a few years but this year I took the plunge and got old lady glasses. Yep progressive lenses, this way I can read all the time not just when I have my reading glasses with me.

This got me to thinking about the things that I focus on. Have you noticed that the things you focus on seem to get bigger? This is especially true with negative thoughts. Once the thought comes into my head that something is scary it just starts growing and growing. Pretty soon everything I think about is now focused in fear.

What about when you decided to start making healthier food choices? Soon all you can see are the treats that you want to eat. Or that the lunch you made can’t be as good as a drive thru burger.

What happens if you decide to change the focus of your thoughts? Instead of focusing on the thought that everything is scary I can be truthful with myself that what I am trying may be scary but it is something that I choose to do. Or the drive thru thought, if I change my focus to looking at how I feel when I get that drive thru burger or how I feel when I eat the lunch I made making the choice may not seem like I am losing out on something yummy.

I know that I make it sound so simple: Just change your thoughts! The truth is it is simple but it isn’t easy. It takes work everyday to change the focus of your thoughts. The good news is that it is like a muscle. The more that you practice changing your thoughts the easier it gets to focus on the good things in your life.

If you need help with a specific thought that has been bothering you please contact me. I would love to help you learn how to change that thought.

PS Yes I really do have my Christmas decorations still up!

What is Self Care?

Have you heard about self care? What do you think self care is? Do you practice self care? From a lot that I read many people believe that self care is all about going to the spa, taking baths and generally pampering yourself.

I believe that is part of self care but self care is so much more. Self care is setting yourself up to take the best care of yourself. It is meal prepping so that you have healthy food to eat throughout the week. It is cleaning your house weekly so that you can feel comfortable. It is exercising even when you don’t feel like it because you know it will help you feel better. Self care is doing the hard things that you may not want to do so that you can feel better.

How did self care get so twisted around? I think it is because when people think about taking care of themselves they think of the nice things that feel good to do. Meal prepping isn’t fun but having healthy food ready for the week sets you up for success. Eating good food consistently will also help you feel better more often.

Self care is also learning what experiences or people will trigger you to feel off. When you know what may set you off you are better able to make a plan to deal with those triggers. I recently had an experience that in the past would have put me in a tailspin. Because I have been working to strengthen and understand myself I didn’t react like I would have in the past. This is part of self care.

I will never pass up a spa day but I am not going to put off taking care of myself today. Self care is more about creating a life you love. What do you consider self care that someone may not have thought of?

Be Kind

I saw this meme on my Facebook feed today and I have to share it! I have to share it because I know that I am not always gentle and kind to myself. I say things to myself that I would never say to other people. Are you the same way?

I shared on a live yesterday how I have been down the last few days. Nothing in particular just not feeling the best. When this happens I automatically start judging myself and trying to figure out why I feel bad. I am going to tell you a secret though. Sometimes we just feel bad. There isn’t a reason and there isn’t anything we need to fix to “make it better”. Sometimes you just have to ride out the storm.

The one thing not to do is to start judging yourself for how you are feeling. This is where I run into problems. When I start feeling bad and I can’t figure out why I start putting myself down. My go to negative thought, “You have a wonderful life why do you feel down? You don’t have any right to feel down. There are people who have really hard lives nothing like yours.” It is true that there are people who have to live through horrible things but this isn’t a contest. It is depression and sometimes it breaks through all of the things I do to take care of myself. And sometimes it is just a bad day and I feel down.

When I talk down to myself it makes the downward spiral even worse. It makes what would have been a bad day into something much worse.

All of this to say, Please just be kind to yourself. Love who you are right now. Reach out for help when you need it. More people are struggling than you think, you don’t have to be perfect.

Minimalism and Thoughts

People are getting rid of stuff! There are more books coming out about the minimalist lifestyle. (Which I think is kind of ironic.) Less is more seems to be the mantra.

As I have been thinking about this it of course leads me to the idea of getting rid of beliefs that don’t serve you. The belief that you aren’t good enough. The belief that you have to be perfect. The belief that no one would like the “real” you. You know the one that you don’t show to people because it is too scary. Any negative belief that isn’t helping you to live a positive life.

I was reading “Bouncing Back from Rejection” last night. The author of the preface mentioned that our brains are not wired for positive thoughts. Our brains are wired to find the negative because that is what kept us alive. We had to find what might kill us quickly. We had to be able to identify what may get us kicked out of the tribe before we got kicked out.

We don’t have to be so focused on the negative anymore. So how do we change the way we think? First off, we have to know what we are thinking about. If we don’t pay attention to our thoughts we can’t change them. Our brains are always working to make sense of the world. It is interpreting data as we go about our day, that is how we can drive to work without remembering how we got there.

If we let our brain drive us it will seek out all of the negative. When we start paying attention to our thoughts we are able to better control them. Once you start paying attention to what you are thinking about you can then tell your thoughts where to go.

I remember a saying from Brigham Young, “If you have a negative thought about yourself tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from.” Although this is funny it is true. When we have those negative thoughts they need to be kicked out. Challenge the thought; is it true? Does it describe what really happened? How do I know that it is true?

Once you have challenged the thought it is time to re-frame it. If it is completely false you toss out the thought. If part of the thought is true you rewrite it in your mind. I did say something rude to my mom but I apologized and we worked through it. I am not going to worry about it anymore.

After you rewrite the thought or you are ready to toss it out, you need to replace it by focusing on something else. If you simply rewrite the thought and don’t replace it with something else you will continue to focus on that thought. You can use a saying, a mantra, song lyrics or a scripture to distract yourself from the negative thought. This way it has less power over you and you can move on.

As you continue through these steps each day it gets easier. You will more quickly focus on the positive. And you will be able to accomplish the goals you have set in your life. If you would like more focused help on changing your thoughts please contact me here. I would love to work with you.

 

Shrinking Depression

“Depression thrives in secrecy but shrinks in empathy.” Reyna I. Aburto

It has taken me years to talk openly about my experience with depression and anxiety. For too long I was worried about what people would think and how they would judge me. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or not good enough. I didn’t want people to think I couldn’t handle something because of the depression. But the more I kept quiet the bigger the depression became. The more I tried to hide the less I could connect with other people.

It is still scary to open up because not everyone understands the truth about depression. They think that just faking happiness will make depression go away. I have been slighted because I take medication. But I keep talking because there are people that need to hear that it does get better. I keep talking because depression shrinks in empathy.

I keep talking because there is that one person that needs to hear that I have been there and it does get better. They need to hear that there isn’t anything wrong with taking care of your brain. They need to know that going to therapy is a normal part of life.

I want others to know that they are not alone. As we traverse this life experience the more we band together the stronger we each become. I refuse to hide anymore. I refuse to be ashamed because my brain doesn’t work the same as other’s. I refuse to stay silent because someone doesn’t think medication is necessary. I will continue to tell my story because the more that people can understand the truth the more empathy we can build.

 

Lessons from the Cello

“Sometimes only pain heals.” From Dorothy must die by Danielle Paige

Last year during the second semester my 12 year old son started playing the cello in the school orchestra. The only lessons he had were from the orchestra teacher, who is excellent. However, she is only one person and couldn’t watch every single student to be sure they were using the correct technique.  I knew he needed a private teacher but I was dragging my feet finding someone.

Finally, in August we found a private teacher. The first few months of lessons were awful. My son had bad habits he had to break and he became very frustrated. He felt like he couldn’t play the cello anymore. The teacher knew that to play the cello long term my son had to change his habits. The teacher also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but he knew in the long run it was what my son needed.

Now three months after starting private lessons my son can do the basics correctly and without having to think about what he is doing. Post lesson time is no longer filled with anger and frustration. But he had to go through the pain and frustration to get to this point. (And don’t tell him but there will be more times when he gets frustrated with new things on the cello.)

To change the way that we feel and act we have to go through the pain of healing and growth. So much of life requires us to do hard things. It requires us to go through the pain so that we can get better. The choice is ours we can choose to stay the same or we can choose to do the hard things to become better.

My son wanted to quit private lessons because it was too hard. I could have let him because it was a lot of work to talk him down from the frustration. But I knew if I just helped him stick it out a little bit longer he would get through the hard part. He would see that what he was learning was important and needed. He would be able to see the progress he was making and the pain would be easier to understand.

I knew that change would happen in a few weeks time. I don’t know how long it will take you to get over the pain, depression, anxiety, abuse, PTSD or any other struggle you may be going through. But I know that you will get through it. Nothing lasts forever. And when you go through that pain. When you feel all of it. When you take the time you need to to heal, you don’t have to feel the pain anymore.

But if you choose to not feel the pain. If you choose to distract yourself with food, drugs, TV shows, work or anything else you will never get through to the other side. The pain will always be in the background.

The choice is always ours to make. If you are ready to change and would like some help please contact me. I would love to help and support you in this change. Whether you choose to work with me or not I hope that you choose the pain. I hope you choose to take care of yourself so that you can heal. I hope you always remember that you are worth the pain and work. I hope you remember that you are a child of God and He is there helping and supporting you.

Here’s to going through the pain!

The Light Will Come Back

This past weekend the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was held. This means that we got to have church at home. We got to stay in our pjs and eat and be fed by the spirit. The Prophet, Apostles and Leaders of the church all spoke.

This weekend filled my spiritual cup in a way that has not happened for many years. For years after conference or any church meeting when someone said, “That was so wonderful wasn’t the spirit so strong?” I couldn’t agree with them. I couldn’t feel what they had felt. Usually what I felt was fatigue. Fatigue from trying to hard. Fatigue from wanting to feel that I was doing the right thing but not quite feeling it.

Fatigue from depression and anxiety weighing my heart down in a manner that made it almost impossible for me to feel the spirit. This weekend, though, was completely different. I could feel the Holy Ghost again speaking to me. I could feel the spirit reassuring me that I was on the correct path. I could feel the truth that all I have to do is my best.

So if you are in the position I have been for years. Hold on the light will come back. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do overcome depression and anxiety. Do the things that make life better for you. Let the judgments of others roll away to the garbage where they belong. Remind yourself that Christ loves you. Remind yourself that you are a child of God.

The light will come back, the peace of the Spirit will return, the joy of serving God will light your life again. Just please hold on!

Getting My Brain Moving

I get stuck inside my brain. It is worse in the mornings. As soon as I wake up the anxiety is telling me it is going to be a horrible day. Then I start telling myself that I just want to stay in bed and not deal with all of the stuff. I pull the covers over my head like a kid trying to fend off the morning. It hasn’t worked yet the mornings keep coming.

I decided that I didn’t like fighting the mornings so I began looking for ways to make my mornings better. I don’t think that I will ever be a happy morning person but I have come up with some ways to get my brain moving and unstuck from the life is horrible routine. I don’t do all of these every day but I have used all of them to help myself. I hope that you can find something here that will help you.

I try and exercise every morning. And yes it is incredibly hard to get out of bed when I am already grumpy to go do something else hard. But when I do I get the endorphins and all the other good feeling hormones moving through my body. I am able to have some time by myself before I need to start waking up kids. I feel like I am ahead of the game because I already got something done.

I eat something with protein. I love food but if I don’t have some protein I am setting myself up for more problems later in the day. Also I know that I get hangry so I try to eat regularly throughout the day.

If I am feeling especially off and I can’t figure out what is wrong I start writing. I don’t think about grammar or about making it make sense. I just write until I can get all of the feelings out of my head or get down to the root of why I am feeling off.

Along with writing I make lists. Often when I start to feel overwhelmed and anxious it is because I feel like life is out of control. Making lists helps me to feel more in control, I can see what it is I need to get done. It is true that I may either lose the list or never look at it again but all of that stuff is out of my brain and I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I play the grateful game.  Sometimes in the morning I feel guilty because I have so much yet I am unhappy. Instead of letting that guilt fester I start naming the things I am grateful for. This helps me to combat the anxiety and the guilt at the same time.

Finally, I try and be compassionate with myself. I have a hard time in the mornings, that is a fact. So I take care of myself, I work to find things that help me make mornings easier. I give myself grace when I have a hard morning. I quit judging how good of a person I am by how much I have gotten done. I let myself have a hard morning.

Why a Life Coach?

As I posted yesterday on Facebook and Instagram I have started a business as a life coach. I am so excited that I am finally official. Life coaching is something that people hear about but may not know what it is. This is my story about why I choose life coaching.

When I was in college my plan was to become a counselor. I love helping people and I love to figure out why. Why things go the way they do, why people do the things they do that kind of thing. I got married shortly before I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology.

I decided to take some time off before I got my Master’s Degree and life happened. Babies and home construction and work and deaths and anxiety and depression and life happened. I then realized that I had enough of my own “stuff” in my head and I really didn’t want other people’s. The idea of being a counselor really wasn’t as appealing to me as it was before.

I was happy with my job and family so I decided that was good for me and I would focus on those. Then I heard about this thing called a life coach. At first it just sounded like a silly thing for rich kids that couldn’t get their lives together. Then I started to learn more and truthfully I wish I had know about life coaches when I went through the worst of my anxiety.

The reason I wish I had know about life coaching before is because coaches look to the future. Life coaches don’t delve into the why like counselors. Life coaching is all about moving forward. We might talk a little bit about the why and how you got in a situation but it is mostly about how to move forward with your goals. Coaches help you find the tools and answers that suit your life and circumstances.

Just talking about coaching gets me hyped up! I love to see the change that comes over a person as they learn and progress. I will continue to share my story with anxiety and depression here and I will be adding in helps that I have learned through coaching. If you feel you are ready for a change I know that I can help. Keep checking back here for helps. If you would like to work with me please message me or comment below I would love to chat with you about how I can help.

The sloth life

I should have been born a sloth. It’s true there are days I hate moving! I had a short run of a mile and a half and it took me 20 minutes just to work up the energy to go get changed. Changing the toilet paper roll annoys me some days and we all know how easy that is!

I told my son that I should have been a sloth and he said, “then you would have to pop through your skin.” My response? “At least I wouldn’t have to move.”

But I wasn’t born a sloth and I have dreams and goals so that means I do have to move. To help myself I have decided on a new course of action: Do it now and stop thinking about it.

Instead of wasting time and mental energy thinking or whining because I have something to do I just do it! Get it over with then I can either relax because I got my work done or move on to the next thing. Once I start moving it is easier to keep moving.

Because I went for my run this morning it was easier to get this post written. Now I am on a roll and will go practice my scales.

Is there something you have been putting off because it seems too hard? Or you just don’t want to do it? Start now! I promise you are wasting more mental energy thinking or worrying over it than it will take to do. I know because I do the same thing. Just stop thinking and go do that thing!

Excuse me I have scales waiting for me…