Category: confidence

Falling Down the Stairs

This morning I got up early to go for a run. It was still dark outside but windows were open because it was actually cool outside! So there was some light from the streetlight coming in the window. As I turned to go down the stairs it was hard to see where the first step was.

The way the light was shining I couldn’t really tell where the first step was. For just a fraction of a second I froze because I was afraid. I was scared to take that first step because I wasn’t sure where the step was. I quickly caught myself and remembered I had my phone in my hand. I turned the lock screen on to light my way.

As I was running I was thinking about this experience. I was thought how often we can get scared because we don’t know the first step to take. It might be unclear or scary because we have never been this way. I know that I have done this before. I have chosen to hold back rather than get hurt – physically or emotionally.

But after that first step it isn’t so scary. It might still be hard or dark or uncertain but the momentum is going and the fear is not so overwhelming. I asked myself if I wanted to spend my life at the top of the staircase being frozen by fear. No my answer is no I don’t want to stand there wondering what might have been.

I know I have spent more time than I want to admit at the top of those stairs. But not anymore. From now I on I am going to push forward. I am going to take that first step even when it feels scary. Especially when it feels scary because those are usually the best steps to take.

What is one first step you have been putting off that you are ready to take? I would love to cheer you are in your first steps!

Relationships

I had a post all set to go live yesterday but it disappeared into the ether-net. I guess it wasn’t what I was supposed to be sharing!

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are all asked to help and serve in different capacities. Recently I was asked to lead the young women ages 12-18 in our ward. I love working with the young women and the other adult leaders. My problem comes in the relationships.

I am coming to admit to myself that I am an introvert. Being around people tires me out. Part of this is because I have trained myself that I have to be bubbly and happy if I am around other people. So I get extra tired because I am not being myself. Then I get frustrated with other people because I don’t feel like they are trying as hard as me. That is when I usually say something rude.

The other issue is the anxiety. I am constantly analyzing the things that I say. Did this come out right? I shouldn’t have said that. They don’t know me very well how will they take this? I am on high alert but I am not really in the conversation. My mind is whirling so fast I don’t really pay attention.

Afterwords I often have to go to my husband to find out if what I said was ok. I dissect everything to find out if I need to apologize for what I said. If he isn’t available I try to go through it in my own head but to get peace I usually just apologize to get rid of the circling anxiety.

I know it would be easier if I didn’t try, if I just stayed home. And honestly I have dreamt of that kind of life. But then I am brought back to the reality of this life. I am here to learn and grow. If I stayed home all of the time, like I want, then I wouldn’t grow at all. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to talk myself out of a panic attack. I wouldn’t have the chance to convince myself I didn’t completely offend that person.

Relationships are hard normally but when you mix in anxiety the difficulty rises. I am learning how to navigate the difficulty. I am learning that even when the negativity in my head says I’m not worth it there are people that believe that I am. I am learning that I don’t need to be hyper vigilant in conversations, I can be me. I am learning that I can have friends even when I say something rude.

Comfort Zone

Lack of belief is a convenient excuse for not undertaking new projects. New tasks can be very frightening, but they are good for us, too. They force us out of our current comfort zones.

Elaine L. Jack

I am scared of most things in life. I can’t even look at a picture of someone standing at the top of a mountain without my palms starting to sweat. I get nervous meeting new people. I am never sure what to say, but I do know that whatever I say will be wrong.

I know, however, that getting out of my comfort zone and trying is the best way to deal with my fears. I ran a rut down the middle of my brain that taught me that anything new or out of the ordinary is scary. I have spent a few years re-teaching my brain to not be so afraid.

I go to the top of mountains, I don’t get close to the edge. I meet new people and let them decide what they think of me. I have new dreams that will take stepping farther out of my comfort zone to achieve. Want to know a funny thing about your comfort zone? It moves with you.

The more you do something that scares you the less scary it becomes. Soon you have no idea why you were ever scared. Then you take another step out of your comfort zone because you realized that you like how it feels to try new things. Keep stretching and trying you will be amazed at what you will accomplish.

Mind Games

Everything in life is a mind game! Whenever we get swept under by life’s dramas, large and small, we are forgetting that no matter how bad the pain gets, no matter how harrowing the torture, all bad things end. That forgetting happens the second we give control over our emotions and actions to other people, which can easily happen when pain is peaking.

-David Goggins

Can't Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds

This quote stopped me in my tracks. Everything is a mind game! That means that I get to choose how I will handle every challenge that comes my way.

David Goggins is a retired Navy SEAL. This quote from his book “Can’t Hurt Me” is when he is discussing Hell Week from the Bud/S training. He realized that the guys that were giving up were quitting because they had given away the control of themselves to other people.

This got me to thinking how often I give control of myself to other people. When I am driving and someone cuts me off, or when someone says something rude about my hair. If I let those people bother me I am giving them control and when I give them control I lose the power over myself.

The more I think about this the more I realize how often I have given away my power. When I want something yummy to eat just to help me feel better. When I want someone else to tell me I did ok. When I want people to like me no matter what. I am giving away my control.

I don’t like the feeling that I have given other people or things power over my life. This is my life and I only get one chance. Only I have the power to make my life what I want it to be. I am choosing each day the things I do how and I will act. It feels good to choose instead of giving away control.

(I highly recommend this book but there is a lot of language.)

Stutters and Anxiety

When my oldest was little he had a stutter. It wasn’t bad but we were able to get a speech pathologist through school. He worked with her for a few years practicing how to slow down his speech and think about what he wanted to say before he tried to say it. Most of the time you can’t tell now that he ever had a stutter.

One thing the speech pathologist said that I have never been able to forget is that they could cure his stutter but to do that they would have to make him deaf. The reason is that a stutter is an issue with what people hear not with how they talk. I still don’t understand why that is but I can’t get it out of my head.

How many times do we want things to change but for the change to happen something worse must happen first. For years I have wanted the anxiety to go away completely. I want to be like everyone else that can go about their days without any worry. I have to come realize though for that to happen I would probably need a lobotomy.

I think a lobotomy is way worse than dealing with the anxiety. I have worked hard to get where I am today. If I had been handed a “cure” I probably would have taken it but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That is the other thing about going through hard things: we get to learn and develop. And if we choose to we can become better.

I have become kinder to others that are struggling. I am more patient with myself. My testimony and understanding of Christ’s Atonement has become stronger.

Whatever you may be struggling with right now I hope that you know that you can handle it. It is going to be hard and it is going to hurt. But you are tough and you will come out of it even stronger.

My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and a grace that saved my life. Word Porn

I Can’t

I am not perfect.

I can’t make anyone happy or make them love me.

I can’t control what others think of me.

I am human, I make mistakes.

I get overwhelmed sometimes.

I want to shut down and be a hermit.

I want to reach out and help others.

I want to support others so they don’t have to hurt.

It is Monday morning as I sit here writing and thinking. We have just returned from an awesome weekend running Ragnar so I am physically tired. I am looking at the week ahead and the things I need to accomplish and I am feeling emotionally tired.

That list I started with is everything that I am feeling right now. The things I know to be true and yet I still try to accomplish. I know that I can’t make other people love me or even like me but there is still a part of me that wants to try. I know that people love me for who I am but I still try to change myself to what I think they want.

I love people and I want to help and support them. But sometimes I feel so tired from being around people that I just need a break. I know that I can’t do everything that I can’t be perfect right now but that doesn’t keep me from judging myself for being human.

So what do I do with all of this? I write. I write down all of the contradictory feelings, I write out all of my feelings, I write until I see that I am heading down the anxiety road again. I keep writing until I start to feel calmer and I can see that all of the stress is just my reaction to life. And then I remember that I have control over all of my reactions.

I get to choose the way that I look at my life. Do you I look and my calendar and get stressed because everything I want to accomplish this week? Or do I look at my calendar and get excited because of everything I want to accomplish this week? The choice is mine. I get to choose what my reaction will be and excitement is so much more fun.

So like I said last week, I am going to love myself through this. I hope you choose love in your life too whatever you may be going through.

Love yourself through it

I saw this post yesterday on Instagram from The Brave Box; which is an eating disorder recovery page I follow. Even if you don’t have an eating disorder I highly recommend following this page. She encourages everyone to accept yourself right where you are now.

This hit me because as I have written about before summer can be a stressful time for me. Everyday I have been cycling between being fine then bam! a panic attack. Every time one hits I chastise myself because I should be beyond them. I shouldn’t have panic attacks anymore because I have come so far. I know so many tools I should be able to stop them before they even start. I should be able to stop them altogether.

Then I saw this quote yesterday, “You can never truly feel at home in a body that you view as temporary.” I view this anxiety thing as temporary as something that I should overcome. What if instead I changed my thought to: this anxiety is part of me and it will always be here? Just typing that out lets me take a deep breathe.

Changing the thought that it is part of me and not something that I need to keep fighting against gives me peace. Does that mean that I am just going to let the anxiety take over? No, I am going to continue to find ways to stop panic attacks. But I am no longer going to look at them as a fault, as something bad about me that I have to fix.

I am going to quit beating myself up because I still have panic attacks. Stress is a part of everyone’s life, unfortunately, my stress comes out as a panic attack. From now on I am going to acknowledge that I am stressed, work to deal with the stress and love myself through the panic attack.

Love myself through the panic attack.

I want that to be a line by itself because it is life changing for me. Every time a panic attack has started I go into fight mode. I try to figure out what is causing it and how to fix it. I try to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can fix it and stop all panic attacks. Instead now I am going to love myself, I am going to love the part of me that is afraid instead of pushing it away.

I think that I will get much further with loving all sides of me than I have with trying to “fix” a part of me. Where can you let down some barriers and love yourself more? What changes will happen in your life as you love all parts of yourself? As Glennon Doyle always says, “Love Wins”. We each deserve love spread it around your life liberally!

Oxygen really is vital to life

I had an interesting experience last week. On Wednesday evening I was exhausted but it was worse than I had ever experienced. I was texting with my piano teacher because I needed to change my lesson that week. I was so tired the thought of figuring out a new time was more than I could even focus on.

The next day I had the worst sore throat I had ever experienced. I thought for sure I had strep throat. It hurt to swallow and it hurt up into my ears when I did swallow. I hate going to the doctor but my husband gets strep if he just looks at someone with it. So to save him I went to the doctor.

The good news was that I didn’t have strep but my mucus membranes, throat and lungs were inflamed from all of the allergens. And even better my oxygen level was 94, which I guess is lower than what they like. While I was at the doctor they gave me a nebulizer treatment, afterwords I felt like a different person. My oxygen level was up to 97. When the doctor came back in I asked him about the change. He explained that part of it was due to the medicine in the treatment being a stimulant. The other part was because my brain was finally getting the oxygen it needed.

This made me start thinking about other things in my life that I need. I realized that I was so tired Wednesday because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I didn’t realize that I was missing it until it was gone. What other things in life help me to live a better, healthier life but I don’t notice until they are gone.

I know that getting enough rest is very important to me. I have to have down time at home when I can just relax and not worry about anything. Exercise is another thing that my body needs to feel better. Because of everything going on with my lungs I haven’t been working out for a few days. Although I need the rest and my body needs the time to recuperate I can feel a difference in not working out.

I know that I need time to meditate, (even though I haven’t yet made it 5 minutes without my mind wandering off) study scriptures and pray. This time allows me to reconnect with my God and it reminds me of who I am and why I am here.

These are some of the things that help me to feel better. What do you need in your life to feel more energized? Do you create or make beautiful things? Does spending time with friends and family give you more energy? I would love to know what helps you. If you don’t know what gives you more energy or love for life I would encourage you to search for it.

Pay attention to the things in your life that you crave doing. Spend some time alone pondering what helps you to feel more connected to the world. You will find the things you need to give your life more energy.

I would love to hear what is important to you. Please share it with me in the comments.

Quails are stupid!

My in-laws live down a dirt road. Their house and road are surrounded by farm land so there are lots of animals and birds around. This last Sunday as we were leaving there was a quail running in front of us as we drove down the road. This happens all the time during the spring and summer. I have watched these birds for years run as fast as they can down the road in front of the car. As they are running all I can think is, “You can fly you know. You will be out of harms way quickly if you just take off.” Finally as a last resort as the car is coming on their tail feathers they fly off.

On Sunday as we were driving I mentioned again, (because I say it all the time) “Quails are stupid! Why don’t they just fly away? Don’t they know they could be free and safe so quickly?” My husband then said, “You know they are a lot like people. How often do we just run in front of problems or stress when we could fly away?”

I sat there for a minute then said, “Thanks honey, you just wrote another blog post for me.” It is true. We can fly! Each one of us has so much going for us. We have talents and experiences that have prepared us for where we are today. We have the help of a Heavenly Father that loves us and wants us to succeed.

So why do we spend so much of our time running in front of stress and problems instead of flying away? Because of fear. We know what life is like in the middle of the problem but change is scary. We could fly away from the problem by making a different choice but it is scary to think about where that may lead us. Are we ready to make that change? What will other people think of us if we start that business? What will happen if we stop doing all of the favors for everyone?

I understand the fear. I have lived with the fear of change most of my life. But the fear of not changing is now becoming stronger. The fear of never working for my goals is becoming stronger. I am getting close to mid-life now. I have lived long enough to start looking back on my life while I still have time to change. The thought of not going after my goals because of fear is sad. I don’t want fear to be the story of my life.

So I am choosing to change. I am choosing to work on myself to overcome the fear that has kept me captive. I am trying new things. I am taking steps to achieve goals that I have always put off to someday. I have decided that I can fly to my goals and the kind of life I imagine.

I know that I can fly. I am stretching out my wings and it feels good!

Life isn’t Fair

I am taking a class to become nationally certified as a life coach. Which by the way, I do need a couple of people to practice on. If you are interested please message me or comment below!

As part of the class we work with a life coach that has gone through the program. We were given a list of potential coaches and asked to list our first and second choices. The teacher did caution us to pay attention to how many times a coach was chosen. They can only take on so many students, so if they have been listed a few times already to choose another coach.

I got my choices in right away so I thought for sure I would get the coach I listed first. I was the first and only one other person choose her. I forgot that this teacher is teaching at least 2 other sections of this course and these coaches were listed for all of the classes.

Last week I found out that I did not get my first choice, although someone else in the class got her. I was upset because I felt like I should have been given priority since I got my picks in first. As I tried to concentrate in class I kept thinking. What should I do? Should I say something to the teacher? This just isn’t fair!

Then I went back to one of the most important lessons I learned from the anxiety: Life isn’t fair. No matter how perfect I act some people aren’t going to like me. No matter how hard I try not everything I do will turn out. No matter how fast I am sometimes I won’t get my first choice for coaches.

I tell my kids all the time: life isn’t fair. This lesson is one of the major things that helped me to overcome the anxiety. I was so worried about doing everything perfectly so everyone would like me. When I finally learned that life isn’t fair it changed my outlook. It helped me to realize that I couldn’t be perfect enough to make everyone like me.

Life isn’t fair and the more I remember that the less I try to make it fair. The less I have to worry and try to think about ways to make it fair. When I remember that life isn’t fair I can go forward making the life I do have the best I can. What have you been trying to make fair that you need to let go?