I am grateful for each of you for joining me in this journey. I pray that you have a Christmas that will bring love, peace and joy to your life and to your family.
If you are struggling during this time please reach out. Know that there are people that are concerned for you and want you to be healthy and happy. This time of year can be difficult as we feel we “must” be happy. I know that Christ is there to lift you and guide you.
If there is anything I can do to help please reach out.
I am always on the look out for new ways to deal with anxiety. I hate the anxious uncomfortable feeling that comes when I am doing something new or difficult. I want to find the magic cure that will make it so I never have to feel that way again. I think I have finally found it!
The cure? Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. There is a new book out called “Needing to know for sure”. In this book the authors discuss how to get out of the loop of always checking on things or always having to do more research before you make a decision. Basically they are teaching how to stop the anxiety cycle.
I have not read the book yet but I am excited to find out more. They have a four step process for dealing with anxiety. The second step is to embrace the feeling of uncertainty. For most of my life I have been trying to figure out how to calm the feeling of uncertainty. I want to feel confident and unafraid. As a child I would get so scared when my parents were gone I would make all of my siblings go to the neighbors house, often late at night, just so I could be reassured by an adult. (Everyone had to come so that nothing bad would happen to the ones left at home.)
During the worst of the anxiety I would call my husband at least once a day so that I could get reassurance from him that everything is OK. I wanted him to calm me down so that I didn’t have to keep feeling so uncomfortable. And it would work for a little bit but then something else would happen and I would need to check in with someone to calm me down.
Seeking for constant reassurance actually increases the need to seek for reassurance. Because you feel calmer for a little while your brain convinces you that seeking for help is the only way to calm yourself. That is why step two of this program is so important. Learning to be uncomfortable for a little while actually decreases the number of panic attacks faster than seeking reassurance.
In this new book they teach that getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a key to moving forward with anxiety. Going forward even though you feel scared teaches the brain that there isn’t anything to be afraid of. The brain can’t tell the differences between a true threat and one that we imagine. That is why when we feel afraid the gut reaction is to run. That is why we seek reassurance.
However, when the threat is not actually something that will kill us we have to learn how to feel the fear. To do this acknowledge to yourself that you are feeling afraid or uncomfortable. You don’t have to pretend you are feeling fine when you aren’t. As you know I love lists so I make a list of why I am feeling afraid. I love to write the list down because it helps me get it out of my head instead of dwelling on it.
Then I announce, sometimes out loud, that I am afraid but I don’t care I am going to do this thing anyway. Then I remind myself that I have survived every panic attack I have had and this time will not be different. I may not like the way it feels but I can survive it so bring it on. Then I get busy. I do something to distract my brain, especially, if what I had been worrying about was a made up stress scenario.
I am not very good at feeling the fear yet. I have been stress eating to distract myself from the fear. But I have been trying. Will join me in feeling the fear?
I love, love, love Marie Kondo’s show Tidying Up on Netflix. It is so relaxing to watch because Marie Kondo is so sweet and kind to the people she meets. I love how excited she gets when she sees a messy drawer she can clean out. I especially love to see the change that comes over people as they deal with all of the stuff they have collected.
This weekend I, finally, took some time to clean out the bookcases in our living room. I love books and I collect them like baseball cards. Because of this I have two bookcases filled with books, more overflowing onto the floor and some even stashed under my bed. I love having all of these books but to be honest it was a mess! (Plus I run a library I do have access to plenty of books.)
I hated to have people see this mess and since it was in our front room anyone coming over saw the monster. Also, it is a mental burden to know I have all of these books I haven’t read. As I went through all of the books choosing which ones to keep I felt the load of having too much begin to lift off my shoulders. I was able to fit all of my books into the two bookcases. They are now organized and the kids can find extra paper and notebooks.
As I was hauling the boxes out to my car to donate I felt like I was ready to take on more. I felt like it was past time to go through my closet. I also felt more in charge of my life. Sometimes just getting rid of old stuff can help you feel so much better. Maybe that is why Marie Kondo is so happy, she doesn’t have any old stuff to pull her down.
Do you have some old stuff to get rid of? Are you ready to clean out the old beliefs in your brain that aren’t serving you? Now is a great time to start working on changes you have been thinking about. Choose one thing you know would make a difference in your life and start there. You will find that one thing has a snowball effect on the rest of your life. And if I can help to make these changes I would be honored to help.
“It isn’t your fault you are the way you are. From this point if you stay that way it is your fault.” Ray Care
I have been sitting on this quote for a few weeks now. I heard it on the podcast Team Never Quit. Ray Care is a former Navy Seal that lived through a hard younger life to become a Navy Seal and then after leaving the teams he became a successful entrepreneur.
I love the message. The things that have happened to me, good and bad, to make me what I am now are not my fault. But the point when I realize that only I have the choice to change my life, from that point if I don’t change it is my fault.
So this is the sign you have been waiting for. You have the power to make your life whatever you would like it to be. You get to choose what the next part of your life will focus on. You get to decide if you are going to keep blaming other people for where you are. You get to choose how you will handle set backs and bad things that happen. It is all up to you.
Does that mean that life is always going to be fair once you take control of your choices? No life is still going to be hard. You are still going to have deal with other people’s choices but instead of becoming the victim you can become the hero of your life.
You can take what is given to you and turn it into the fire that shoots you forward. You can forgive the people that have hurt you. You can understand that what they did was all about how they were hurting and had nothing to do with you. You can learn to see life as a series of choices. Choices that can lead us closer to our goals or father away.
Those choices are all up to you. You have the power no one else. You have the power to make your life and the world better. What will you do with that power?
I have been obsessed lately with creating something. I have been searching Pinterest for a new crafting hobby. I have bought new soft yarn, pens to do hand lettering and material to make Christmas stockings. I want to create something new.
I am convinced I have been obsessed with making something new because of my new venture to be a life coach. I want to create a place for people that are ready to change. I want to make it safe for people to learn about themselves. I want to help them change and overcome whatever may be holding them back.
But I don’t have a clear path forward so I focus on creating things I do know how to do. I can follow a pattern to make a stocking or crochet a scarf. But there isn’t a pattern for what I want to create. And that is scary and really really hard. So I have been distracting myself with all of these other things I can create.
But the distraction means I am not getting closer to my goal and I now have even more unfinished projects in my house. Creation is good and is one of the reason we are here on the earth. I want to start using that power to move forward with my goals.
So no lesson for you today. No take away that will help you in your life. Except maybe this: your goals matter and if they are scary they matter even more. Don’t let yourself get distracted because they may be scary. Create with me!
Have you ever gone out with friends and you are having a great time then you knock over your cup of water? Or maybe say something that causes your friend to feel bad? I have.
The important question is how do you deal with it after the fact? Do you make a big deal about the little mistake? Do you convince yourself that your friend will never speak to you again? Or that you have to apologize for half an hour before they will forgive you? I do.
This thinking pattern is called Mental Filtering. It is where you hyper-focus on one aspect of an event; the spilled water or the misstatement. You convince yourself that the evening was a disaster because of the mistake you made. You know that your friends will never want to go out with you again.
To combat this thinking error you have to train yourself to look at the big picture. Instead of looking at this one moment think about the entire evening. Did the water get on anyone? Did it ruin any food? How did your friend react when you misspoke?
You might have hurt their feelings but how did the evening go after you apologized? Someone might have gotten wet from the spilled water but their clothes will dry. How did the rest of the evening go?
I know that it can be hard to zoom out and take a big picture look at the events. I want to fix everything and make sure that everyone is happy with me so I am very good at hyper-focusing. However, hyper-focusing on something distorts what we see.
When you are learning how to zoom out you may need to ask for help from others. Check in with a friend to see what they thought of the evening. Ask if they even remember what you said or did. Most of the time when I have done this the other person doesn’t even remember what I am talking about. It is amazing how something so huge to me doesn’t even register to someone else.
I would often ask my husband if I needed to apologize about something. Because I always felt like I needed to apologize I wasn’t sure if I really needed to or if it was just my filter. Asking his opinion helped me to learn when I really needed to apologize. It also helped me to see the big picture and not be so focused.
When you find yourself focusing on the bad remember to look at the big picture. Remember what you are focusing on isn’t the whole picture. Remember to zoom out and ask for help to see the whole picture.
The fire in my heart is to support and encourage people to believe that they can accomplish their goals. I heard a quote from Dave Ramsey that really struck me he said:
My parents told us we could do anything. And we were dumb enough to believe them.
I was glad I wasn’t driving when I heard this quote. Because I stopped in my kitchen to think about what he said. He was talking about his parents and the way they raised him and his siblings. His parents continually told him that he could do anything – and he believed them.
I know that I haven’t always been the type of person that thought anything was possible. I spent YEARS afraid of everything. I tried to hide the fear from my kids and encourage them to go and experience life. And now I am starting to believe what I have been telling them.
I can see the amazing things that are out in the world. I can see that it may be scary to start something new but it is exhilarating too. It can seem overwhelming and confusing trying to figure out what to do next but it is exciting to take a step into the new.
What have you been thinking about trying? What would you like to change about your life? What excites you? I would love to hear! And I would be thrilled to help you on this journey. You can reach me by contacting me here.
Let’s be dumb enough to believe that we can accomplish anything!
I get stuck inside my brain. It is worse in the mornings. As soon as I wake up the anxiety is telling me it is going to be a horrible day. Then I start telling myself that I just want to stay in bed and not deal with all of the stuff. I pull the covers over my head like a kid trying to fend off the morning. It hasn’t worked yet the mornings keep coming.
I decided that I didn’t like fighting the mornings so I began looking for ways to make my mornings better. I don’t think that I will ever be a happy morning person but I have come up with some ways to get my brain moving and unstuck from the life is horrible routine. I don’t do all of these every day but I have used all of them to help myself. I hope that you can find something here that will help you.
I try and exercise every morning. And yes it is incredibly hard to get out of bed when I am already grumpy to go do something else hard. But when I do I get the endorphins and all the other good feeling hormones moving through my body. I am able to have some time by myself before I need to start waking up kids. I feel like I am ahead of the game because I already got something done.
I eat something with protein. I love food but if I don’t have some protein I am setting myself up for more problems later in the day. Also I know that I get hangry so I try to eat regularly throughout the day.
If I am feeling especially off and I can’t figure out what is wrong I start writing. I don’t think about grammar or about making it make sense. I just write until I can get all of the feelings out of my head or get down to the root of why I am feeling off.
Along with writing I make lists. Often when I start to feel overwhelmed and anxious it is because I feel like life is out of control. Making lists helps me to feel more in control, I can see what it is I need to get done. It is true that I may either lose the list or never look at it again but all of that stuff is out of my brain and I don’t have to think about it anymore.
I play the grateful game. Sometimes in the morning I feel guilty because I have so much yet I am unhappy. Instead of letting that guilt fester I start naming the things I am grateful for. This helps me to combat the anxiety and the guilt at the same time.
Finally, I try and be compassionate with myself. I have a hard time in the mornings, that is a fact. So I take care of myself, I work to find things that help me make mornings easier. I give myself grace when I have a hard morning. I quit judging how good of a person I am by how much I have gotten done. I let myself have a hard morning.
Last Sunday for church we had what is called Stake Conference. That means that all the wards or congregations in one area meet together. We have talks from the leaders of the Stake but also the members.
There was an older gentleman who spoke and told the following story. He grew up on a farm in Eastern Idaho, his parents were sharecroppers so they all had work to do on the farm. Each morning him and his dad would get up early to milk the cows. This story takes place in the winter and he explained that the end of the cows tail would get full of “stuff”. That is all he said to explain about the cow’s tail. However, the cows tail was full of frozen cow poop, pee, mud, and whatever other gross stuff picked up around the farm.
As he sat down to milk this cow, for whatever reason, the cow slapped him in the face with it’s tail. The gentleman was mad and called for his dad. He expected his dad to be as upset as him and say that they would get rid of the cow. His dad, though, just looked at him for a minute and then said, “Well are you going to wipe it off or are you going to wear it?”
He wiped off the muck and started his milking. He said that he had thought about what his dad said for the rest of his life. Life sometimes hits us upside the head with muck and when it does we have a choice. Are we going to sit there and wear the muck or are we going to wipe it off?
I thought about this in relation to my own life. I know there have been too many times where I wore the muck for way too long. I was mad and I wanted everyone to know that life wasn’t fair for me. Then there have been times where I decided to just wipe it off and go on. Both choices require work – the decision we have to make is where do we want to expend our efforts.
Do I want to spend the limited time and energy I have being mad? Or do I want to spend the energy wiping off the bad things and moving on?
As I posted yesterday on Facebook and Instagram I have started a business as a life coach. I am so excited that I am finally official. Life coaching is something that people hear about but may not know what it is. This is my story about why I choose life coaching.
When I was in college my plan was to become a counselor. I love helping people and I love to figure out why. Why things go the way they do, why people do the things they do that kind of thing. I got married shortly before I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology.
I decided to take some time off before I got my Master’s Degree and life happened. Babies and home construction and work and deaths and anxiety and depression and life happened. I then realized that I had enough of my own “stuff” in my head and I really didn’t want other people’s. The idea of being a counselor really wasn’t as appealing to me as it was before.
I was happy with my job and family so I decided that was good for me and I would focus on those. Then I heard about this thing called a life coach. At first it just sounded like a silly thing for rich kids that couldn’t get their lives together. Then I started to learn more and truthfully I wish I had know about life coaches when I went through the worst of my anxiety.
The reason I wish I had know about life coaching before is because coaches look to the future. Life coaches don’t delve into the why like counselors. Life coaching is all about moving forward. We might talk a little bit about the why and how you got in a situation but it is mostly about how to move forward with your goals. Coaches help you find the tools and answers that suit your life and circumstances.
Just talking about coaching gets me hyped up! I love to see the change that comes over a person as they learn and progress. I will continue to share my story with anxiety and depression here and I will be adding in helps that I have learned through coaching. If you feel you are ready for a change I know that I can help. Keep checking back here for helps. If you would like to work with me please message me or comment below I would love to chat with you about how I can help.