Category: choice

Blessings Flow

I have been listening to Colleen Coble’s book “Tidewater Inn”.  At one point a sister is talking about her brother and says that he was blessed with riches because the Lord knew that those riches would flow through him to bless those in need.  This description stopped me and made me think.  Do my riches and blessing flow through me to others in need or do I hold on to them so tightly I can’t see them?

I know for a long time I have had a death grip on my blessings. I didn’t want them to get away, I was afraid that there wasn’t enough. I thought I wasn’t enough. I thought if I didn’t hold on tight then my blessings would get away, that I would be left with nothing.

I have come to realize that fear was telling me lies. I have learned that when I squeeze my blessings so tight they can’t breathe it makes them die. When I believe that there isn’t enough, fear makes anything I do have smaller. I have learned that blessings multiply when they are given away.

I am still working on not being so afraid. But little changes are making a huge difference in how I feel. One simple mindset change has been to say I choose to spend my money somewhere else. Instead of saying we don’t have enough money for that thing. It seems small but it feels huge. By making this small mindset change I control how I feel instead of letting fear tell me what to feel.

Blessings are made to flow. They are supposed to flow to us and then out into the world to bless everyone. I have built a dam around my blessings but I am working to take it apart. I want my blessing to again be able to flow.

Photo by paul morris on Unsplash

Can you back a car?

I really hate backing into parking spaces. I know that is weird because if I go forward into the spot then I am going to have to back out of the when I leave. But I if I back INto the spot I can’t do it in one try. I am going to have to go forward and back a couple of times to get the car in straight. Why does this matter? Because I hate making mistakes. If I am going to do something I am going to do it right the first time or not at all.  That means I don’t back into parking spaces. It also means that I don’t do a lot of other things.

I started to think about this Sunday when we were parking for church. Aron always backs in because it is easier to get out when church is over. Aron is a really good driver and even he couldn’t just back in and be done.  He did at least one forward after he started backing to get into the spot like he wanted.

This started me thinking about life.  So often I want to know how to do something perfectly before I start. Or I want to know that everything will work out perfectly before I start something new. That just isn’t how life works. I have been kept from trying and working on things because I think I have to be perfect.

So instead of adjusting my journey just a little bit when something goes wrong I completely give up. I tell myself that this path must not be the correct one for me and I quit. That isn’t the purpose of life though. We are here to learn and grow.  I can do that by making some mistakes. I can try new things and then work it out when it may not go the way I want it to the first time. I can spend the time to learn, grow and have experiences good and bad.

Or I can say that I am just a bad backer so I am not going to try. Not anymore, Excuse me while I go practice my backing.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Circles in my mind.

My brain does circles sometimes.  It is not necessarily anxiety but it can turn into that if I let the circles continue.

I get fixated on one thought and I spend every minute trying to figure out how to make that thing work or make that thing make sense.  Today it has been the personality test Strengths Finder.  I was looking at the results today and one of my strengths in a connector.

I have been trying to figure it out because I don’t feel like I am a very good connector.  I like people and I like people to be happy and if someone is having a relationship problem I want to fix it.  But I don’t feel like I connect.

Then I start to wonder if the other strengths are really my strengths.  If this one is off then the other ones could be too.  I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology so I feel like I can figure out how to answer these tests so that I get the results I want.  If I do that then how can I trust any of these tests?

Yes I make myself dizzy with all of these questions.  Does anyone else have circles in the brain?

The point?  I have to stop the circles.  I distract myself with work or thinking about the Primary class I am teaching on Sunday.  I write, I play games with the boys.

The truth is the circles are there but I have the choice of stepping out of the circle.  Excuse me while I go get out of this circle.

I am not the Judge

I have been thinking about this post for some time now.  Truthfully it is not something I want to share.  Mostly because it shows too much of my worst faults. But it is one I feel I need to share.

I have mentioned in the past that I am very judgy of other people.  No matter who it is I see I measure myself against them.  I want to see if I am better or worse than the person I am judging.  I know I do this to try and make myself feel better.  To show myself that maybe I am not that bad.  But all it does it tear me down and tear down the people I am judging.

People always say don’t worry about what other people are thinking because they aren’t thinking about you.  I know that is a lie, though, because I am thinking about other people all of the time.

Doing this confidence challenge has shown me two things about myself that I am not very proud of.  First, I am very insecure.  This is why I judge other people.  I am trying to make myself feel better.  I am trying to show that at least I am better dressed than her.  Or I am not as heavy as her.  Or I would never be so embarrassing as her.  It is exhausting!

The other reason I am so judgy is because I am jealous.  I don’t feel that I will ever be as good as that woman.  I know that woman is so talented I don’t have anything to offer like she does.  I will never be as successful as that person!

I guess really jealous and insecurity are essentially the same thing.  Both are exhausting and both keep me from really connecting with people.  I know when I am being judgy I am keeping people away from the real me.  When I am being judgy I am putting myself on a pedestal and other people below me. (I told you this wasn’t a pretty picture of me.)

The other day I was reading in the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon.  Alma was talking to the people about their sins and how the things they were doing were a trap from Satan.  Satan was using these sins to keep the people away from connecting with God and each other.  I sat back and thought about my life.  I know that my lack of confidence keeps me from really connecting with God.  I don’t feel like I am good enough to be loved by Him.  As long as I am stuck in this trap I am not progressing.  I am not becoming the person Heavenly Father wants me to be.

As I have focused on confidence and strength I have realized I am better than I thought.  I don’t have to be perfect I am loved the way I am.  I am working on tearing down the walls of jealousy and insecurity.  I don’t want them anymore.  I know it is time to leave them behind.

So I have made myself change the way I think.  Whenever I find myself judging someone else I have to come up with 5 nice things about that person.  I would much rather find nice things about another child of God.  This has helped me to start breaking the habit of judging.  And it helps me feel happier because I am focusing on the positives of other people

Day 19 – are there personal traits that are holding you back from confidence? Find them and tear them down.  You don’t need them!

Should is Not Worth It

As I have been learning about confidence I keep coming back to thoughts.  Especially the things I tell myself I should do.

I should only wash my hair every other day.

I should always wear jewelry.

I should wear makeup more.

I shouldn’t be so loud.

I should be more outgoing.

I should be skinnier.

Just writing these sentences makes me sad and anxious.

Shoulds hurt the heart and drain the energy to do the things you really want.  Shoulds usually come from other people, not from our own desires.

As I have paid more attention to my thoughts I have begun to stop the shoulds.  My hair may be healthier if I didn’t wash it everyday but it is seriously nasty after a workout. I really don’t think the dry shampoo is going to take care of it.  So I happily wash my hair everyday.

I do want to be more outgoing.  But telling myself I SHOULD be more outgoing puts too much pressure on myself.  Instead, I choose to be more outgoing and social.

Pay attention to your thoughts.  If you are using should over and over again re-frame those thoughts.  If it is something you really do want to do then change it to I choose to do….  If it is something that you really don’t want to do then throw it away.  I choose not to do….

Day 18 – get rid of shoulds.  Either choose to do something or don’t.  But quit battering yourself with shoulds!

I added a video here!

 

Confidence – I am looking for you!

Last week I finally got the courage to read back through my journals from the time the anxiety was out of control.  I was nervous to read them because this time was so hard to go through I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read it again.  They were hard to read but the thing that really struck me was how often I said I just wanted to be good enough.

Not feeling good enough is not really a new feeling for me.  When I was little my mom asked my Aunt to be my secret friend.  She sent me a few cards (which I still have) with notes building me up and a necklace (which I lost).  My mom signed me up for Girl Scouts to give me something of mine own.   Why did my mom do this for me?  I didn’t ask her for either thing.  She did it because I was so shy I wouldn’t do anything unless my older sister was also going.  I followed her around for years!

Truth be told I am still shy and unsure of myself. I don’t really like doing things without my hubby.  He is the one I follow around now!  I am tired of being scared of everything and feeling unsure about who I really am.

I made a decision.  I am going to research, look for, pray about and generally do everything I can to find confidence.  My goal is to change the way I feel about myself and the way I react to the world.  To keep myself on track and accountable I am going to post here on my blog everyday for 30 days.  I will post the things I learn, how my journey is going and the scary things I am doing to gain more confidence.

I hope you will join me in my journey and that some of the things I learn will help you also!

I just did a Thing

I did a thing and to most people this thing is not that big of a deal.  To me it is HUGE!

My thing?? I just set my alarm for 5:15am for tomorrow morning!! And I am excited about it! Why is this such a big deal?  Because I have never liked to get up.  In fact when my hubby and I were engaged we were at a family reunion and my siblings were ready to go hiking and I was still asleep.  They sent my hubby up to wake me up.  When my Dad noticed he was gone from the living room he asked where my hubby had gone.  When my sister said to wake up Janna.  Dad said well that engagement is off.

Through the dark days of anxiety and depression sleep was even more precious to me.  I could escape through sleep.  In fact when my oldest was in first grade he would have to come and wake me up for school.  Yep a 6 year old was waking up his mom for school.

Why does all of this matter? It matters because I want you to know that things change.  You will get better.  The days aren’t always hard and the world isn’t always scary.

I am excited to wake up in the morning now because I have dreams and goals.  I still deal with depression and anxiety; some days are just hard.  It does get better.  There is a light.  Life changes for the better.  There are so many people rooting for you and cheering you on.  You don’t even know!

You are loved, keep up the fight!

Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash

 

I choose to stand

Like everyone else the last few days some part of my brain has been focused on the tragedy in Las Vegas.

As I was listening to a news broadcast yesterday.  One of the people talking said that the feeling of being safe in your world has been taken away.  That for his children they no longer felt safe.  My kids have not grown up with the feeling of safety other kids do.  Most kids grow up believing that bad things don’t happen. Tragedy and sadness and hurt is something that belongs to other people.

Not my kids.  They know bad things happen.  They know that kids are hurt everyday.  They know that people die everyday.  Now let me be clear my kids live a very protected and sheltered life in most ways.  They have a safe place to live and they know we will do everything to protect them.  They don’t have to worry about where their next meal will come from or if they will have a place to sleep tonight.

However,  my husband is a police officer and a SWAT team member.  They know bad things happen.  They know that when those bad things happen their daddy will go running into the fray to protect everyone he can.  They know that this world is not safe.  Sometimes I feel bad for them because they have not grown up with a feeling of safety that most people take for granted.

But in other ways I am so grateful for the lives they lead.  I am grateful that they know what a true hero is.  They don’t care what sports players, actors or politicians do or don’t do because those aren’t their heroes.  They know police officers, EMTs, paramedics and firefighters.  They know soldiers current and veterans.  They know teachers that give everything to help them succeed.  They know that even when scary things happen there are people that will stand up for what is right.  Those people will stand up and save those that they can, often with their last breath.

Bad things happen and it hurts.  But good things and good people are all around us.  They are their standing up and helping each other.  They are their standing up and saving each other.  They are there standing up and fighting to make this world safe, to make this world fair.  They are there standing up and doing all they can to take care of each other.

I choose to stand.

Friends

People are scary!  Wait didn’t I just write this post?  Oh yea I did.

I wrote that post knowing that there was a women’s group, meeting at my church.  (The women’s group is called Relief Society.)  I knew that I needed to start going to make some friends.  And I had been asked to make cookies.  Perfect excuse to go right?  It was also a get to know you night because there are lots of new people coming so I wouldn’t be the only “new” person there.

All day yesterday all I could think is I don’t want to go.  I made the cookies thinking well I can just drop them off.  Or I can just go for half an hour.  At least if I go I can say I did it.  I JUST WROTE A BLOG POST ABOUT BEING FRIENDLY I HAVE TO GO.

Well, I didn’t go.  The world didn’t crash down.  We had a great night together as a family.  No one called me to ask where I was with the cookies.  It was all good.  Except I felt a little guilty because I didn’t go.  I mean I did just write this great blog post.

This morning I met a fellow “This is my Brave” cast member.  To be honest I thought she just wanted to meet to sell me her product.  I couldn’t figure out why she wanted to get together.  She is gorgeous, accomplished and totally awesome.  Why would she want to get together with me???  Yes these are all of the thoughts I have running through my head.

I really wanted to tell her that I wasn’t coming.  But I didn’t.  And you know what I was totally wrong!!  She just wanted to visit.  We talked for an hour all about life and goals and how we are doing mentally.  It was an amazing hour.

Maybe I can make new friends.  I just need to do it on my terms.

 

 

Go ahead and FAIL

Gymnastics seems to be taking over my life.

For awhile I would go to two different gymnastics classes every Monday.  Now I only need to go to one.  But that class is 2 hours long.  I sit there and watch kids a quarter, yes a quarter, of my age doing things that I have never and will never be able to do.  (I know we should never say never but even as a kid I could’t move like that.  Now that I am considerably older it is not going to happen.)

Anyway,  one of the coaches mentioned that gymnasts mess up 95% of the time. They practice so much to train their muscles to do the correct thing the 5% of the time they are in front of the judges.

It amazes me to sit and watch these kids  for just a fraction of the amount of time they spend each week practicing.  They spend hours doing the same thing over and over again.  Why?  So they can cut down the 95% failure rate.  Because they know the more they practice the less failures they will have.  Because they know the more they practice the bigger the 5% of doing things correctly becomes.

This of course made me think of my own life.  I start something new and I want to be perfect right away.  I don’t want to redo anything or keep trying.  To tell you the truth the only time I argued with my mom is when she wanted me to take out stitches when she was teaching me how to sew.

I don’t have the patience to sit and work and work to figure out how to do something.  However,  I have goals and dreams.  So I may not have patience now it is certainly something that I can develop.  I choose to start now.  Everyday I choose to do one thing that will get me closer to my goal.

Right now that means that I need to learn a lot about the technical side of blogging.  I need to learn how to make changes to my website.  How to add pages and make the content more interesting to look at.

I need to learn about marketing.  How do I use different social media outlets to share my message?  How do I make interesting instagram posts?  Where do people find the awesome quotes from others?  And seriously how do they write such great quotes?

I may keep failing 95%.  But when I work everyday it gives me more of a chance to succeed the other 5% because I am doing more.

And these gymnasts that are on team are seriously ripped!  I want to be the elite gymnast of supporting others to reach their goals!  Do you have an exciting goal you would like help achieving?  I would love to help you.  Contact me for more information.