Category: choice

Flood of Love

I am still obsessed with The Greatest Showman. I cannot get over the music This is Me is one of my favorite songs from the movie. (Of course I would say that every song is one of my favorites.) I have been thinking so much about the lyrics to This is Me.

The first verse starts out “I am not a stranger to the dark, Hide away they say, Cause we don’t want your broken parts, I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars”

Every time I listen to this song this first part hits me in the gut. How many of us have been told to hide, to not show a part of them because it is scarred, we believe that no one wants to know about our broken parts?

The ironic part is that each and everyone of us has broken parts. We aren’t perfect. I saw this quote on Instagram from Hannah Marbach “Literally every person is messed up, so pick your favorite train wreck and roll with it.” I giggle every time I read this, because it is so true. We all have problems. So why do we shame each other for those broken parts? Why can’t we treat ourselves and others with more love?

This morning I was reading in Isaiah during my Bible study. In chapter 61:1-2 Isaiah is speaking of Christ and says “he (God) hath sent me (Christ) to bind up the brokenhearted”.  I don’t know how to stop the shame for our broken parts but I do know where to go to be comforted and loved. I love the picture this part of the verse gives me. The picture of Christ sitting with my broken heart. Binding it up and loving it and fixing it. The feeling and knowledge that Christ has experienced all of the pain I have felt. I know that I can go to Him with that pain and he will heal it.

The chorus of This is Me says, “When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out, I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me”.

This is Me so I am going to send a flood of love, acceptance and peace into the world. I am going to send a flood of God’s love into the world. Because This is Me.

It is just a thought

I think about thoughts and thinking ALL OF THE TIME. Why? Because of anxiety. The thoughts I have often lead me into a panic attack where the world is ending and everyone hates me, I am going to lose my job and then we will be homeless because we won’t be able to pay our bills. Yes, it is a joy to live in my brain.

I have learned a few things dealing with panic and anxiety. One of those things is to pay attention to what I am thinking. The first time I heard this advice I laughed. Of course, I paid attention to my thinking that is what gets me into the panic attack. But the truth of the matter is: I wasn’t paying attention to my thoughts until I started feeling upset. THEN I started to listen to what was going on in my brain.

When I began paying attention sooner to what was going through my mind I was then able to lead myself out of the panic attack.

I did this by first writing down what was worrying me. This was a great tip I learned from the book “When panic attacks” by Dr. David Burns. I highly recommended this book for anyone having problems with anxiety. Writing down my worries helps me to see in black and white what it is that I am so obsessed about.

Have you ever had to pick up a few things at that grocery store so you didn’t write them down? Then the entire drive to the store you keep going over and over the list. You feel like you will forget something so you have to keep going over the list. This is how I felt before I started writing down my worries. I felt like I had to keep thinking about them and going around and around and around. Writing them down got them out of my head.

Once I write down the worries I read over them and decide if they are true or not. I often worry about what other people think of me or worry that they are mad at me. My counselor asked me once how I knew if a certain person was mad at me. I said I didn’t know I just worried that they were. He said the only way you can know if they are mad or not is to ask them. Oftentimes I am overly sensitive so what I think is a nonverbal clue that someone is mad is actually something entirely different.

Now if I think someone is mad at me I ask. (Yes it sounds like I am in middle school but it helps!) Or I ask how they are feeling or how their day went. These questions give me more clues to what is actually going on. By asking these questions I can also find out if what I think is true or not.

Once I know if the thought is true or not I can move on to the next step. If the thought I am having is true it is now up to me to decide if I want to fix the problem or not. If the thought is that my husband is mad at me, I have asked him and the thought is true. It is then up to me to find out if this is something I can or want to fix. Is he upset because of something I did? Is he mad because of his commute? Was work really hard that day and he needs time to unwind?

If it is something I can and want to fix then I work at fixing whatever the problem may be. If it is not something that I can or want to fix then we get to the hardest part of the plan: letting the thought go. Ben Abbott said, “It’s like running a marathon, it’s simple because all you have to do is run until you cross the finish line. But it is not easy.”

I love this quote because letting the thought go is simple but it is not easy. Some of the ways I have let thoughts go is to distract myself with something else. I think about what is for dinner, what I need to do for my job at church, I think about what my kids have coming up. The other way I let thoughts go is to simply take a deep breathe and say OK anxiety if you are coming come on. You aren’t a lot of fun and I hate dealing with you but you haven’t killed me yet and you won’t this time so do your best.

Although this plan sounds counter intuitive it works for me. By telling anxiety to bring it on I remind myself that anxiety hasn’t killed me, that I have survived every panic attack I have had. It frees my mind of the downward cycle and puts me in a frame of mind to combat anxiety. I am in charge NOT anxiety.

I share all of this in hopes that it helps you when dealing with negative thoughts and anxiety. Life is hard and sometimes it really stinks but we don’t have to sink into that ugliness in our thoughts. I made this worksheet to help you deal with anxiety. It is my first printable so I would love to hear what you think! There is room for you to go through each of the steps I describe.

As you practice these steps you will get better at them. As you get better you will be able to go through the steps faster and won’t need to write everything down. Go forward conquering anxiety!

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No regrets

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I hear it all the time: live your life so you don’t have any regrets. I would love to do that, I would love to say that I never did anything I regret, that I took every chance, that I was there for my children whenever they needed. But when I am honest I do have regrets.

I don’t remember much from when the kids were little. I have baby books for them that are completely empty. I don’t have locks of hair that I saved for them. I don’t remember when they got their first tooth. I don’t know when they lost their first tooth. I don’t know if watching me deal with anxiety and depression as they grew has messed them up.

The other night one of the boys thought I was getting mad at him about something. When I asked why he would think I would be mad about that, he said “When I was little you would get mad about all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I am not sure how you are going to react.” Although I am glad that he feels comfortable enough that he can tell me how he feels; I was cut to the heart because of what he experienced when he was smaller. I did have a hair trigger temper, I was strung so tight I exploded at very small things. Huge regret right there.

Really to live with no regrets I would have to be perfect. I would have to know the exact perfect choice to make. If I were perfect I would never hurt anyone. If I were perfect I would never make a mistake. But I’m not perfect so how can I live with no regrets? Two ways: repentance and acceptance.

I am going to make mistakes. I still hurt the people that I love. No matter how hard I try I will always do things that hurt others. That is where repentance comes in. Being able to be open and honest and asking for forgiveness makes all the difference. I will make mistakes, being able to repair those mistakes with forgiveness is a gift I have been given by Heavenly Father. “Repentance isn’t [God’s] backup plan in the event we might fail. Repentance is His plan, knowing that we will.” Lynn G. Robbins.

Heavenly Father knew we would make mistakes and that we would hurt each other. He made us a way through Jesus Christ that we can work to make those mistakes better. Knowing that I can change gives me hope to know that I don’t have to stay as the scary mom my kids are afraid of.

The other way I deal with those regrets is by accepting who I was and the problems I was dealing with.  I was just trying to survive and keep everyone fed during the worst of the anxiety. I can’t go back and do those years over again, no matter how much I wish for just that. I have to accept that is the way it was and try to do better from here.

I still don’t keep baby books or scrapbooks. But I do take more pictures, I keep school and church achievements (someday I may even organize them!), I work to be present when I am around my family. I tell them everyday how much they mean to me. I am honest about those years and I tell them I am sorry.

I accept that those years are in our past and I can’t change them. But I don’t live in the past. I am learning how I don’t want to act and changing the things I do in the present. When I make mistakes I try to be quick to ask for forgiveness.

I believe regrets are part of everyone’s life. How we deal with them makes all the difference. Be kind to yourself, know you are doing the best you can, love yourself and share that love with others. You are amazing! How do you deal with regrets?

Why Suicide?

Trigger Warning: This post is about suicide and why someone would consider suicide. Please take care of yourself and do not read if this will not be healthy for your mental health.  I am not a mental health professional. This is strictly my thoughts and feelings.

Suicide has been on heavy on my mind lately. As it slowly becomes more acceptable to discuss suicide in our society I often hear people saying I don’t understand how someone could do that. Don’t they know that things will get better? Why didn’t they just ask for help? What could have been so bad that they would want to leave this life?

I understand all of these questions because I have been on both sides of the discussion. I have never had a friend or family member die by suicide but I have considered it myself. I have also been in such a good place that it is hard to believe that anyone would ever consider suicide.

As I have considered the differences in my thoughts I have come up with a few different ideas to explain why sometimes suicide seems like the best answer. I believe that before this life we lived with God. When we came to earth we forgot what that was like however, part of our soul remembers and longs to be back there. I think that this feeling has often lead to my feelings of wanting this life to be over. I remember as a young teenager crying because I just wanted to go home.  

I was in my home at the time confused as to why I felt like I wanted to go home. As I grew in my faith I have come to believe that my soul misses home.  It misses that time spent with God. I believe that many people have the feeling of being away from home but don’t understand why. They feel out of place but can’t explain why.  Being apart from God I gives us this feeling. So when life gets hard or emotional we long to be back in the loving arms of our creator.

Another reason people consider suicide is because life sucks. And if you are overly sensitive like me life feels even harder. Difficult and scary things seem insurmountable. It can feel that there is no way life will ever get better. You will never be able to figure out how to deal with all that is happening and all of your negative feelings. But you can and you will if you just give yourself time.

The worst of the anxiety I dealt with lasted for years.  For at least a year I called my husband everyday just to get through the day. I have spent years on my knees asking God to take these feelings and worries away. I have spent time with counselors, I take medication. I have reached out to friends and family to build a support network. I know that it is hard and I know that it feels like nothing will ever change. But that is a lie that mental illness tells you. Life will change as you keep living as you do the things that help and nourish your soul you will be able to climb out of that pit. Give yourself time.

During this time I got into a very bad habit of not wearing my seat belt. I felt this was a way I could die by suicide without really doing anything. The other day I was driving home and I thought I need to put on my seat belt. The very next thought was I want to put on my seat belt. I want to live, I am excited to live.  Feelings do change and life does get better.

People consider suicide for many reasons. To help make changes and to save others we need to stop judging and start loving.  Although you may never understand why someone would consider suicide you can still love them. You can show the good things of life and be a support for them.

If you are having thoughts of suicide please reach out. You can text suicide to 741741 for the crisis text line, call 1-800-273-8255 for the national suicide hotline, a friend or to me. Private message or leave me a comment. (All comments on the blog must be approved by me before they show up public. You can comment here without anyone else seeing. I will answer!) Know that you are not alone and there is nothing to be ashamed about if you are having feelings of suicide.

Take the time to love each other today. Reach out to someone that you have been thinking about that may need to hear from you. You never know the goodness you will do.


Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Creation is a Key

I am always looking for new ways or ideas that may help in dealing with anxiety and life.  I was reading an article with tips for dealing with people that bring drama into your life. One of the tips was to become a creator. So instead of letting them bring the drama create ways to head off that drama. This started me thinking about anxiety and how creativity can help deal curb the anxious feelings.

Personally when I am stuck in the anxiety I have swirling thoughts about what is wrong.  Worried about what may happen and trying to figure out what I could have done differently. As I have thought about becoming a creator it stops the anxiety. Because a creator is a doer it helps to stop the worry of what I should have done.

There are different ways to become a creator. One way I have started to become a creator is to create the life that I want. I have worked hard to deal with the negative thoughts. I have been working to create the world in my head that I want. The thoughts that I let stay in my head create the world that I inhabit.  I know you have probably heard this before but your thoughts make your life.

Another way to become a creator is to find a talent or hobby that helps you to create your life. What is something that you enjoy doing or maybe you want to learn? Having a hobby or craft that you can focus on when the anxiety comes to call helps to focus your thoughts. It helps to remind yourself that you are more than the anxiety.

I don’t even have to be working on something at that moment for it to help me curb the anxiety.  I usually have a few different projects going at the same time. When I start to feel the anxiety come on or even when I am in the middle of an anxiety attack I use one of the projects to help me focus. I am feeling overwhelmed or I am worrying about something I should have done differently I pick one of the projects I am working on and I start to focus on that. I am working on crocheting a blanket for my husband. I use this one to start thinking about what I need. Do I have enough yarn? When is the next time I can work on it? When do I want to be done with this project? How many rows do I need to do to meet this goal? By the time I have answered a few of these questions I am out of the anxiety loop and I can think clearly.

I have tried a few different crafts. I am not always good at finishing them but they help to focus my mind. I love the feeling of making our home a peaceful place for my family. “The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before-colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

What is one hobby that you enjoy? What is something that you have always wanted to learn? Give it a try, learn to play again, get back to something you enjoy. You are a creator, begin making the life you desire. You are worth every effort!

New Year, New You!

As we start this new year there are advertisements everywhere for ways to make a new you. You can join the gym or weight watchers. You can finally get yourself and your house organized. You can learn a new hobby or quit a bad habit. Although all of these can be good and helpful, all too often all I see is that I am not good enough. (I know that most people running these programs want to help people and improve their lives. It is just the way I look at it that is a problem.) To be good enough I must join or buy their program.

What if instead of falling into the trap of not being good enough this year we start the year knowing we are enough. Nothing we can do no amount of weight we lose will make us feel worthy. (Although I am a big proponent for a healthy lifestyle and do workout with a trainer.)  There isn’t a program we can buy that will fill up what we are missing.

So what is the answer? For me the answer comes in having a firm belief in who I really am. Knowing that I am a child of God. That He created us and he sent His Son to die for us.  Having that knowledge has made all the difference for me. It makes being able to see these advertisements for what they are; helps to build my life but not the foundation to build my life on.

As we begin this year I encourage you to find the basis for what you can build your life on. Take the time to build a firm foundation so that other people’s ideas don’t influence the way that you feel about yourself. Know that you are loved and that you have something unique to offer the world!

The world doesn’t need a new you and neither do you. What is needed is for each of us to just be the real us.  It is my goal this year to be the real me. To share the things I have learned. To help those around. One way I am going to do that is through this blog. I am going to share more of my story and things that have helped me. New posts will be here every Tuesday and Friday. Please come visit often. And remember you are perfect just the way you are.

What piano has taught me about anxiety

I started taking piano lessons a few months ago. I know a little bit about the piano but I am definitely a beginner. I still have to pay close attention to what I am playing. I have learned that the way I play best is by not thinking about anything else. Most of the time I can’t even think about what is coming next, I just have to play what is in front of me.

When I try to think about what is coming I mess up what I am playing at the moment. If I start to think about how many mistakes I have made on the piece I just keep getting worse and worse; especially if I am playing in front of my teacher. If I start thinking about something else I am bound to make mistakes.

We live in a world that encourages even idealizes multitasking. Even as I write this I am eating breakfast, thinking about what we will have for dinner and making sure that the kids get out the door for school. But when I play the piano I can’t do or think about anything else.

Playing the piano gave me an idea for dealing with anxiety. My brain cannot be left alone because it usually wanders into the anxiety playground. I don’t even realize what is going on until I can’t catch my breathe or I start feeling horrible about life.

So the tip that I have learned from piano is this: pay attention to what I am thinking about or to what I am doing right now. I have to keep my brain focused. Not worrying about what other people think of what I am doing. Not worrying about what I will be doing next. Just focus on what I am doing right now.

Multitasking might be the way to do things these days but it just doesn’t work for me or for my mental health. I am learning to slow down. Pay attention to what I am doing and what I am thinking about. (Obviously I am not perfect at this as shown above but I am working on it!) Not only does this help me stop anxiety attacks before they start but I also do better at the task I am working on.

I know single tasking is not what the cool kids are doing these days but I encourage you to try it. Slow down, pay attention to the task or person in front of you. Make them the most important part of this moment and you will be surprised at how your life changes.

Hope Peace and Rest

Last week I was driving along the interstate and saw a billboard that said Jesus offers hope peace and rest.

I have been taught about the rest that Jesus offers for all of my life. For many years, however, I didn’t let myself feel that rest. My worries overtook any feeling of peace or rest that I may have received. I remember multiple times in my closet or next to my bed sobbing and begging for help. I just wanted to feel that peace that had been promised me. I had gotten to the point that I had decided that I would not be able to experience that rest until after this life. Deep down I knew that wasn’t what God had in mind for my life. He didn’t want me to experience that pain for the rest of my mortal life.

Only in the last few years have I realized that I had to give that fear, that burden to the Lord. He wanted to lift it and carry it for me. But he couldn’t just take it away I had to give it away. In the Psalm we are told to “Cast thy burden upon the Lord”. We can get rid of the burden but we have to be the ones to throw it to Him.

How do you do that? How was I finally able to let go of the fear to let the peace and rest of Christ into my life? Practice and faith

The practice in feeling that rest came during my prayers. During my personal prayers I focus as hard as I can on what I imagine God to look like. I slow down my breathing and take the time to clear my thoughts. Sometimes I imagine myself sweeping away everything that may stand between myself and the Lord. Then I start slowly with my prayer. I pay attention to what I am telling God. I make sure that I am being present with my thoughts. I try to act as if we are sitting in my room having a conversation. I focus on that sense of peace and rest that comes during prayer. I imagine Christ standing beside me lifting the burden from my back.

I had to get to the point in my faith that I could trust Christ with my burden. The anxiety made me believe that I had to do everything right and then I could approach Christ for help. As I started to come out of the anxiety through therapy and medication, I was able to start feeling the Holy Ghost guiding me. I could feel the love of Christ. I wish I could have felt this peace more during the anxiety but I am grateful it has come now.

I am not perfect. I don’t always feel that peace. But I know now that it is there for me. I know how to access it. I know that when I give away that burden even for a few minutes I can feel that peace. And that is enough to continue to believe in Christ and to continue to believe in myself.

Learning to live with anxiety

As I write this I am having an anxiety attack.  I have dealt with them for quite a few years. If you have anxiety you know how it feels: your heart starts to speed up, your thoughts go down a dark hole of negativty and you are certain that your heart is going to explode at any second. I have learned a few things about anxiety in the few years we have been buddies. I hope that they will help you not to have to travell the same path I have gone down.

First off, it isn’t going to kill me. I have been extra sensitive my entire life but the full on panic has been part of my life for about the last ten years. Althougth it often feels like it my heart has not yet exploded. The anxiety feels horrible and overwhelming but it isn’t going to kill me. In the middle of a panic attack it is hard to remember this but I promise it is true.

Another thing I have learned is that I can make the anxiety attack worse by the way that I think. When the anxiety starts I have two choice I can think this is horrible it is never going to end why do I have to put up with this why am I not strong enough to deal with life. Or I can think this is going to be a difficult day I really don’t want to do what I need to but I know that I can do it. My thoughts in the first experience lead me further down into the black hole. They make the feelings worse and my thoughts begin to spiral further out of control.  In the second example I am still having a panic attack but it doesn’t have the same control over me. I can stay above the black hole instead of entering in.

I have learned that to stay above the black hole I have to keep my mind busy.  Because of experiencing the anxiety for so long my brain is now accustomed to running quickly all of the time. I have found that I when I keep my brain busy with other things the panic doesn’t have as much space to take over.

Here is an example of what I mean. Most of my worry centers on what other people think of me so I have to make sure I am making the perfect choice all of the time. When I start to fixate on a worry I move those thoughts to an area I can actually change. When I start worrying I will imagine a stop sign and then move my thoughts in another direction. What do my boys need to get ready for school. I can start a list and begin to get things ready. By the time I have finished the anxiety is down to where I can handle it.

The panic attack I was having when I started this post is now subsiding. I know that I will deal with it more today because of what it is centered on. However, I know that I can handle it and not let it get out of control. I have faith in you also. The anxiety is not who you are, it is just a party of you that you can learn to handle.

The Days are Long, but the Years are Short

When the boys were little people would tell me all the time to enjoy this time because they would grow up fast.  They would tell me that they days were long but the years were short. I hated when people would tell me that. Each day seemed like it would never end and it was almost more than I could handle. I didn’t feel like we would ever get past the baby/toddler stage.

Next school year I will have two boys in high school and one in middle school and all I can think is where did the time go? Where are my little boys that loved to play with me? Now I want to tell people with little children the same thing, the years really do go by terribly fast. (I don’t, though, because sometimes I do know how to keep my mouth shut!)

So why am I telling you about my boys growing up? I have come to realize that life moves incredibly fast and because of that we have two choices. We can sit back and think things will never change, until they do. Or we can realize that time does go by quickly so we must use the time we have now.

This life we have is to help us learn and grow. I realize now that if I had the chance to do things over again with my boys I would. I don’t want to have those kind of regrets as they get older. I also don’t want to have those kinds of regrets about my own life.

To combat regrets I am doing scary things. I am setting hard goals that I have no IDEA how I will reach. I want to do things differently with my boys. I want to help you live your best life too. Instead of sitting back and saying “Oh there is time I will do it tomorrow.” I am doing what I can today to make a change. And boy is it fun!