Category: choice

What is your Endgame?

Last weekend one of the most anticipated movies of the year came out: Avenger Endgame. First off – no spoilers here! I haven’t even seen the movie yet. But we are huge Marvel Comic Universe fans here at my house. If you want to have a discussion about Venom, Carnage, and Riot and which would win in a fight I am your girl. But that isn’t what I want to talk about.

This Marvel Universe has been evolving for 11 years starting with Iron Man. There are at least 22 movies with I am not sure how many TV shows in the saga.

Some have done better than others at the box office.

Some were released and then disappeared. I am looking at you Fantastic Four. (Although I do love you.)

Some have done better than others.

Some taught us about more than just super heroes.

The creators have been working on these movies for years. What if they had given up when it got hard? What if they gave up when one of the movies did bad? What if they stopped because some people didn’t like the way they portrayed a character?

We wouldn’t have these movies and the enjoyment they bring into our lives. What if I had given up when the anxiety got bad? What if I quit trying because it hurt too much? What if I just stopped because someone didn’t like the way I did my job? What if you stopped.

Sometimes life is hard and we are thrown every painful thing we can imagine. All we want to do is curl up in a ball and forget the world exists. If we do that though we miss the big ending we miss the Endgame. We miss the point when we break all of the records. We miss the point where it doesn’t hurt so much. We miss all of the good things that came out of the bad. We miss the people and relationships we could have had.

I want to know what is your Endgame? What is the thing that you had to overcome to get the point where you are today? As weird as it seems I am grateful for the anxiety. I have become a stronger woman, more compassionate and loving, more willing to give others the support they need than if I hadn’t gone through it. This is my Endgame!

I Am…

Have you ever noticed how often you say I am during the day? I am tired, I am lazy, I am lost. I never really noticed it until I saw a Facebook post last week by a friend highlighting this phrase. She mentioned that when we say I am we are claiming something for ourselves. We are telling our own minds what to think of us.

Are the I am statements you say something you want in your brain? Are your I am statements as negative as mine? I talk a lot about the way we think because the way we thing makes all the difference. The way we talk to and about ourselves determines so much about what we think we are capable of doing.

Pay attention to how these different statements make you feel.

I am exhausted.

I am always making mistakes.

I am a fighter.

I am a winner.

The first two statements make me feel worn down and defeated. The last two statements make me hold my head up and get ready to fight. So what if you are exhausted? Instead of saying I am use I feel instead; exhausted is a feeling, not who you are at your core. Don’t claim things that aren’t who you really are.

I challenge you to pay attention to what you say when using I am. Only use positive thoughts and attributes after I am. Because at your core you are a child of God and that is the best I am.

Keep your eye on the Son

If you were to join us at church you would find us at the very back of the congregation. You know the hard uncomfortable seats in the nosebleed section? That is where we are. We sit there for a few different reasons. But there is a consequence to sitting back there. I can see everyone else and there are lots of distractions to what should be my focus at the front.

I love watching people and when you sit at the back of the church it is prime people watching time. The problem is, it is not time to watch people or let my mind wander. This last Sunday I was working hard to pay close attention to what was going on.

During the Sacrament at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the bread and water are passed to the congregation by the eleven and twelve year old boys. One of those boys is my youngest son. As I was working to keep my attention where it should be I watched him as he passed the Sacrament.

As I watched him I was able to block out the rest of the people and focus on Christ and what He has given to me. The thought came to my mind “keep your eye on the Son.” I knew the thought meant more than just paying attention to my son. As I keep my eye on Christ and look to Him what other people are doing falls away. As I keep my eye on Him what other people think of me doesn’t matter. As I keep my eye on Him the worries that I have about life become smaller and less of a hurdle.

Life is hard and we are all struggling with things that cause us pain. When I spend my time looking around me I get overwhelmed with my shortcomings. I find myself putting others down in my mind. I find that I am not a very nice person. When I focus my life and thoughts on the Savior I find that I am more compassionate with myself and those around me. Instead of judging those closest to me I share the love and compassion of Christ.

Instead of putting myself down and focusing on the things I do wrong; when I focus on the love of the Savior I am remind of whose child I am. I am reminded that I am loved and saved. I am reminded of how much was sacrificed just for me.

When life gets hard I would encourage you to “keep your eye on the Son”. Don’t focus so much on where you are lacking but on what you were given. I know that changing your focus will make all the difference in your life.

Spatulas and Other Tools

I have a spatula that I really dislike. From this first picture you probably can’t tell why I don’t like this spatula so let me explain. It was used for something it wasn’t supposed to be. I believe I was using it to get empanadas out of the hot oil. As you can tell the head of the spatula is plastic. So when I used it in the hot oil it melted into a fatter head. (Yes me, I can’t blame this one on the boys.)

As you can tell from this picture it is also no longer smooth. So when you go to flip something like a pancake or eggs it doesn’t slide under like it is supposed to. I was cooking eggs Sunday and I reached into the drawer for a spatula. The first one I saw was this deformed spatula. I stood there looking at it for a minute thinking I really hate this spatula. Why do we keep it? Why do I use it?

And then do you know what I did? I used that spatula AGAIN. Why? Because I thought this time it will be different. This time I will be able to get the spatula under the eggs. This time I will be able to flip the eggs. But what happened is I tried to flip those eggs, the spatula wouldn’t go under the eggs and I had a big mess in the pan.

There are other tools in my life that are similar to this spatula. I keep using them even though I know that they won’t do any good for what I want. I keep using food to make myself feel better, to relax or celebrate. I have numbed my feelings for most of my life with food. Even though my blood sugar numbers are too high and overeating is no longer serving me I keep grabbing it.

Not telling people how I really feel is another tool I need to throw out of the drawer. I have always been terrified of people. My mom put me in Girl Scouts when I was little just to try to get me to talk to someone besides my sister. (But it was right at cookie selling time and neither of us wanted to do that!) I keep reaching for that tool when I should be telling people what I honestly think.

There are so many other tools that I need to throw out to make room for the ones that will actually help. Why do I keep reaching for things that no longer serve me? Because it is easy. Because I know how it will feel to eat or keep quiet. I don’t know how it will feel to put the candy bar back or to speak my mind and that is scary. So instead I pick the easy way out.

But no more. Starting today I am choosing the scary path. I bought a food journal to write down what I eat. Not to lose weight but so that I have to think about the food before I eat it. When I have to write it down and actually see what I am eating it makes it more real. There is also space to write down feelings. So instead of just going on autopilot I can write, then decide if I am actually hungry or just wanting to eat.

What is one tool that no longer works for you? What is one way you can stop using that tool? I would love to hear your ideas in the comments! I am going to keep the spatula to remind me that some tools just aren’t worth using any more.

Good Questions Change Everything

I have told myself, and anyone else that will listen, for years that I am bad with people. I tell myself that I would much rather be on my own. If I have the choice between staying home in PJs or going out to meet people you can bet I will stay home. I tell myself that I like it this way but there are times that I feel lonely. I miss having friends to call and text.

I know that most of the beliefs that I am not good with people came from the anxiety. I spent so long worried about what people thought of me it was just easier to pull away. There is still a part of my brain that starts questioning everything I say when I start a conversation. The anxiety tells me that I am a dork and I don’t know what to say. It tells me that I don’t know how to make small talk. With this chatter going on in my head it is no wonder that I have a hard time connecting with people.

The crazy thing is I love to help people! I get so revved up by helping people and seeing them grow and change.

Recently I took Heather Quisel’s Level Up Challenge. If you don’t follow Heather on social media you NEED to, I promise. Go follow her I will wait. Ok everyone back now? In this challenge we looked at the ways we hold ourselves back. One thing that she shared that has stuck with me is that our brain is a problem solving machine. We put a problem in front of it, it will do all it can to figure out that problem.

I keep putting the problem of not being good with people in front of my brain. Why aren’t I better with people? Why am I always saying dumb and embarrassing things? So my brain is always working to figure out those problems. It is working to find examples of why I am not good with people. So any interaction I have my brain analyzes later for examples of what I did wrong.

Heather taught us to ask better questions. Instead ask: how can I become more comfortable talking with people? How can I be more confident in myself? The difference in these questions is incredibly striking. Instead of focusing on negative parts of my personality I’m focusing on how to make good things better.

When I began to focus on the positive questions I felt better. I am not so negative and scared. Instead of being afraid of what may happen I feel energized to try new things. Instead of being afraid of small talk I get excited to try out new skills.

I challenge you to do this with the questions you put to your brain. How can you change your questions to get your brain working for you? What positive questions can you give your brain to begin working?

Will this matter in a year?

When the anxiety was out of control I worried about every little choice I made. I second guessed every interaction I had with people. I was so worried about doing or saying something that would offend someone. The worry could consume my mind for days. Often the only way that I could get rid of the worry was to apologize for whatever I thought I did wrong.

It got really exhausting to be apologizing to everyone all of the time. I learned from a class to take a longer view on my worries. I was taught to ask will this matter in a year? If not I was to let the worry go. Honestly, now that I look back there are only about 3 things that I did during this time that I can even remember now. And only one that I actually needed to apologize for.

The thought “will this matter in a year is powerful?”. It helps to put these huge worries that I had in perspective. It is so easy to allow the anxiety to run rampant and pick up steam and make everything that you are thinking seem so real and to feel like it is going to destroy your entire life. Stopping to think for a minute “Will this matter in a year?” gives you a chance to slow down those thoughts.

You are able to put them in the proper perspective. Yes in this moment it feels as if everything is going to fall apart. But giving yourself the time to slow down and honestly think about the situation will give you the space you need to decide what is true. Is it true that this choice is going to get you fired? Is it true that what you said is going to make the other person not like you? Do you really care if they don’t like you? Is it true that what you just said to your child is going to ruin them for life?

Being able to put it in the perspective of time helps you to see if what happened needs to be addressed or to be let go. I know that just letting go of thoughts is difficult. If you need more help letting go you can read another post I wrote about that here. I know that dealing with an anxiety attack is one of the scariest experiences. Being able to put those thoughts in a different perspective will make a difference.

Where do you want to be in a year? What do you want to be doing? What do you need to be doing now to get there? Focusing on those thoughts can help you to move out of the negative thoughts of the anxiety. You are worth doing the work to move out of the anxiety. You are worth the time and work it takes to conquer this demon. Please tell me, what is one goal that you have for the coming year?

What is a good day?

Hey everybody!

I am sorry that I missed posting on Friday. I am starting over today with posting every Tuesday and Friday. Please keep checking in for new content. I appreciate each and everyone of you for visiting.

I love doing craft projects. I love to look through Pinterest and check out all of the fun projects people are working on. I am pretty good at crochet projects. A few years ago I decided to crochet a mermaid tail for my sister. I couldn’t find a pattern that I really liked and I was having a hard time reworking the pattern I did find. One night while I was looking for a pattern my son saw a pattern for a crocheted shark tail.

So, of course, I had to start that project for him. It is so cute and when it is all finished it looks like the shark is eating you when you are in the blanket. I started working on that one while I was still trying to decide what to do for my sister’s mermaid tail. I had purchased some yarn for the tail for my sister. But it just didn’t work for the tail so I started working on a blanket with that yarn.

Both the shark tail and the blanket are still sitting in my closet waiting to be finished. I do this a lot. I get super excited about a project, I go out and purchase all of the materials I need to complete the project, I start the project then I get bored and it is stored in my closet. I don’t even want to tell you all of the projects I have partly finished in my closet.  But trust me when I say there are more projects in my closet than shoes.

Why do I tell you all of this? Because sometimes I think we link what we accomplish to how good of a person we are. I know that I do. Oftentimes at night I go through everything I did that day. If I accomplished all I set out to do then it was a good day. If not then I need to work harder the next day.

But I don’t always or really ever take into consideration all of the things that I did that weren’t on my list for the day. Was I able to help a hurting heart? A short conversation that took up the time I was going to use to make that doctor’s appointment was an accomplishment.  Taking time to help someone else finish a project was an accomplishment. Even when that means I wasn’t able to finish my project that day.

There is a gentleman that comes into the library. He always has a wonderful story for me and spends a few minutes talking. (Sometimes more than a few minutes but he has the best stories!) Oftentimes when he leaves he says “I smiled again today. Thank you.” I don’t tell you this to brag but as an example that a few minutes to me means a lot to someone else.

How about we change the way we judge a good day? Instead of looking at what we were able to check off our lists we look at the connections we were able to make. Instead of thinking we need to accomplish more to be important. We remember that we are important now, just as we are. Instead of feeling bad because we aren’t as successful as the next person; we remember we are all working hard for what we have. Life is so much more than lists. You matter so much more than any accomplishment you could check off of a list.

P.S. Yes that picture is my closet with my piles of projects!

You are an adult

janko-ferlic-174927-unsplashIn my daily life I run a small library. This summer there is a conference lasting a few days held at a college just a few miles from my house. They are asking all participants to stay in the dorms. But it is just a few miles from my bed. I’m not sure I really want to stay in the dorms. My bed is just a few miles down the street.

I was talking with the consultant from the Commission for Libraries (that is a state agency that helps the libraries in Idaho). I told him about having to stay at the dorms and I’m not sure I wanted to go.

That is when he told me “You are an adult. You can leave if you want to.” It felt like a light bulb went on in my head. I am an adult I can choose. There are so many things I can choose instead of just letting it happen.

I can choose the way I act instead of just reacting. Yesterday my youngest was upset because he had a horrible day. No matter what I said he was upset and determined to stay that way. Instead of getting upset myself I backed off and let him have some time to work through his feelings. Once he was ready we talked about his day and his feelings. Because I choose to act I felt better and we were able to connect.

I can choose the way I think. For too long I believed that whatever thought came into my mind was true. I entertained way too many negative thoughts that I should have challenged. Now I know that a thought is just a thought. I choose whether that is something I want to keep in my life or if I want to get rid of it.

I choose the type of life I want to have. I get to choose what I focus on and what I work towards. I get to choose to be grateful for what I have or focus on the lack. I get to choose if I enjoy the time I have with my family or feel sad because it is all changing.

Guess what? You can choose your life also. You don’t have to wait for some magic moment. You don’t even have to wait until tomorrow. Today right now you can choose your life. What will you choose?

When to reach out?

Do you ever get overwhelmed with the pain and sorrow in this world? Do you struggle to know how to help family and friends when they are going through difficult times? Does it ever feel like too much? Yes, yes and yes!

I know there are times that feel too much for me. I worry that I won’t be able to offer support or that I by trying to help I will push myself too far. But I am coming to realize that I am stronger than I think and that any small thing that I can do helps relieve pain and sadness.

I worry that when I reach out to help I will say or do the wrong thing and make it worse. I remember reading a story about a woman that felt inadequate to help a friend that was going through a loss. The woman went to the friend’s house to visit but ended up crying with her. When the woman left she felt horrible. She felt like she had made the friend feel worse.

Soon after this she heard from the friend’s daughter that the woman’s visit meant the most to the friend because she was willing to feel the pain, to sit in the friend’s pain. So what can we do when we feel inadequate?

First, know that not saying anything can cause more hurt than trying. Oftentimes when people are going through a difficult time they just want someone to acknowledge that pain. A friend to share the burden can make all the difference.

Second, know that reaching out is about so much more than you. The anxiety made life all about me. As I have been able to grow stronger I have come to realize that people barely think about me. They are focused on and worried about their own problems. Knowing that people are not hyper-focused on my flaws has helped me to be able to reach out more often to others.

Finally, knowing that this life is better lived with others has helped me to reach out. When I get too focused on my own life I get lonely, it gets boring. When I am willing to reach out and make connections not only am I helping others but it also helps me.

I know we can’t solve all of the world’s problems but we can solve some of them. Just by being kind and loving to the people we come in contact with. By reaching out to those people in our lives that are hurting or struggling we can change our corner of the world.

What if?

 

austin-neill-308608-unsplashWhat if someone laughs at me?

What if no one talks to me?

What if my hubby doesn’t come home?

What if I lose my job?

I read somewhere that we should explore all of the What If questions in our life. In the article they were talking about the fun things. Their what if questions were more: what if I get the job? What if I take that class? What if I write that book? What if I start that business?

Unfortunately for too long my what if questions were the first ones you read. I was so worried about the bad things that might happen I didn’t have space in my brain left to think about the good questions. But I am learning that our brains are problem solving machines. So the questions we put to our brains they will focus on and figure out.

By putting so many negative questions to my brain it kept focusing on those questions and figuring them out. I was caught in a negative downward thought spiral. But I had all of my bases covered. I knew what I would do if my hubby didn’t come home. I have planned his funereal more than once. I knew what I would do if I lost my job. I figured out how to handle someone not liking me.

But I also lived in constant negative thinking. And trust me that is exhausting. When you are constantly scanning your life and your brain for the negative you will find it. So how did I change? By fighting against the negative spiral I was in. And trust me it is a fight I still have to contend with to this day.

When I have negative thoughts I scan them for truthfulness. Did I say something mean to my children? If so then I apologize. If what I said needed to be said but the delivery was wrong. Then I apologize. If what I said was correct and said in the way it needed to be said then I let it go. I tie a balloon to the thought and I let if float away.

Once that thought is gone I replace it with a positive thought or experience. Something I am looking forward to doing, something nice that was said to me, anything that is positive. My mind is never empty and if I don’t fill it with positive things the negatives will take over.

Now I focus on positive What ifs instead of the negative ones. I want my brain to figure out how to make the positive What Ifs true. Because of that my life is changing into what I want it be instead of what I am afraid it will be. What is one way that you will change your life into what you want it to be?