Category: choice

Falling Down the Stairs

This morning I got up early to go for a run. It was still dark outside but windows were open because it was actually cool outside! So there was some light from the streetlight coming in the window. As I turned to go down the stairs it was hard to see where the first step was.

The way the light was shining I couldn’t really tell where the first step was. For just a fraction of a second I froze because I was afraid. I was scared to take that first step because I wasn’t sure where the step was. I quickly caught myself and remembered I had my phone in my hand. I turned the lock screen on to light my way.

As I was running I was thinking about this experience. I was thought how often we can get scared because we don’t know the first step to take. It might be unclear or scary because we have never been this way. I know that I have done this before. I have chosen to hold back rather than get hurt – physically or emotionally.

But after that first step it isn’t so scary. It might still be hard or dark or uncertain but the momentum is going and the fear is not so overwhelming. I asked myself if I wanted to spend my life at the top of the staircase being frozen by fear. No my answer is no I don’t want to stand there wondering what might have been.

I know I have spent more time than I want to admit at the top of those stairs. But not anymore. From now I on I am going to push forward. I am going to take that first step even when it feels scary. Especially when it feels scary because those are usually the best steps to take.

What is one first step you have been putting off that you are ready to take? I would love to cheer you are in your first steps!

Comfort Zone

Lack of belief is a convenient excuse for not undertaking new projects. New tasks can be very frightening, but they are good for us, too. They force us out of our current comfort zones.

Elaine L. Jack

I am scared of most things in life. I can’t even look at a picture of someone standing at the top of a mountain without my palms starting to sweat. I get nervous meeting new people. I am never sure what to say, but I do know that whatever I say will be wrong.

I know, however, that getting out of my comfort zone and trying is the best way to deal with my fears. I ran a rut down the middle of my brain that taught me that anything new or out of the ordinary is scary. I have spent a few years re-teaching my brain to not be so afraid.

I go to the top of mountains, I don’t get close to the edge. I meet new people and let them decide what they think of me. I have new dreams that will take stepping farther out of my comfort zone to achieve. Want to know a funny thing about your comfort zone? It moves with you.

The more you do something that scares you the less scary it becomes. Soon you have no idea why you were ever scared. Then you take another step out of your comfort zone because you realized that you like how it feels to try new things. Keep stretching and trying you will be amazed at what you will accomplish.

Mind Games

Everything in life is a mind game! Whenever we get swept under by life’s dramas, large and small, we are forgetting that no matter how bad the pain gets, no matter how harrowing the torture, all bad things end. That forgetting happens the second we give control over our emotions and actions to other people, which can easily happen when pain is peaking.

-David Goggins

Can't Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds

This quote stopped me in my tracks. Everything is a mind game! That means that I get to choose how I will handle every challenge that comes my way.

David Goggins is a retired Navy SEAL. This quote from his book “Can’t Hurt Me” is when he is discussing Hell Week from the Bud/S training. He realized that the guys that were giving up were quitting because they had given away the control of themselves to other people.

This got me to thinking how often I give control of myself to other people. When I am driving and someone cuts me off, or when someone says something rude about my hair. If I let those people bother me I am giving them control and when I give them control I lose the power over myself.

The more I think about this the more I realize how often I have given away my power. When I want something yummy to eat just to help me feel better. When I want someone else to tell me I did ok. When I want people to like me no matter what. I am giving away my control.

I don’t like the feeling that I have given other people or things power over my life. This is my life and I only get one chance. Only I have the power to make my life what I want it to be. I am choosing each day the things I do how and I will act. It feels good to choose instead of giving away control.

(I highly recommend this book but there is a lot of language.)

Stutters and Anxiety

When my oldest was little he had a stutter. It wasn’t bad but we were able to get a speech pathologist through school. He worked with her for a few years practicing how to slow down his speech and think about what he wanted to say before he tried to say it. Most of the time you can’t tell now that he ever had a stutter.

One thing the speech pathologist said that I have never been able to forget is that they could cure his stutter but to do that they would have to make him deaf. The reason is that a stutter is an issue with what people hear not with how they talk. I still don’t understand why that is but I can’t get it out of my head.

How many times do we want things to change but for the change to happen something worse must happen first. For years I have wanted the anxiety to go away completely. I want to be like everyone else that can go about their days without any worry. I have to come realize though for that to happen I would probably need a lobotomy.

I think a lobotomy is way worse than dealing with the anxiety. I have worked hard to get where I am today. If I had been handed a “cure” I probably would have taken it but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That is the other thing about going through hard things: we get to learn and develop. And if we choose to we can become better.

I have become kinder to others that are struggling. I am more patient with myself. My testimony and understanding of Christ’s Atonement has become stronger.

Whatever you may be struggling with right now I hope that you know that you can handle it. It is going to be hard and it is going to hurt. But you are tough and you will come out of it even stronger.

My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and a grace that saved my life. Word Porn

I Can’t

I am not perfect.

I can’t make anyone happy or make them love me.

I can’t control what others think of me.

I am human, I make mistakes.

I get overwhelmed sometimes.

I want to shut down and be a hermit.

I want to reach out and help others.

I want to support others so they don’t have to hurt.

It is Monday morning as I sit here writing and thinking. We have just returned from an awesome weekend running Ragnar so I am physically tired. I am looking at the week ahead and the things I need to accomplish and I am feeling emotionally tired.

That list I started with is everything that I am feeling right now. The things I know to be true and yet I still try to accomplish. I know that I can’t make other people love me or even like me but there is still a part of me that wants to try. I know that people love me for who I am but I still try to change myself to what I think they want.

I love people and I want to help and support them. But sometimes I feel so tired from being around people that I just need a break. I know that I can’t do everything that I can’t be perfect right now but that doesn’t keep me from judging myself for being human.

So what do I do with all of this? I write. I write down all of the contradictory feelings, I write out all of my feelings, I write until I see that I am heading down the anxiety road again. I keep writing until I start to feel calmer and I can see that all of the stress is just my reaction to life. And then I remember that I have control over all of my reactions.

I get to choose the way that I look at my life. Do you I look and my calendar and get stressed because everything I want to accomplish this week? Or do I look at my calendar and get excited because of everything I want to accomplish this week? The choice is mine. I get to choose what my reaction will be and excitement is so much more fun.

So like I said last week, I am going to love myself through this. I hope you choose love in your life too whatever you may be going through.

Sheepdog Hill

If you follow me on Instagram you saw a picture of me flexing my muscles and bragging about how well I am going to do at the upcoming Ragnar Relay. Ragnar Relay is about 200 miles over the back of the Wasatch mountains run by a team of 12 over about 24 hours. Each person runs three legs averaging between 9-18 miles total. It is fun and weird and stupid all at the same time.

Then this last Saturday my hubby, a friend and I ran what we call Sheepdog Hill. This is a “hill” in our area that is 4 miles from bottom to the top with one thousand foot elevation gain. I was stoked for this run. I was going to kill it! Then we started.

I did not kill this run. I was the last one to make it to the top. I had to walk A LOT! I was so disappointed in myself I started with all of the negative chatter. What is wrong with you? I thought you were doing to do better? I thought you were in better shape. Are you ever going to be able to run this hill?

I was feeling awful about the run and how I was going to do at Ragnar. Then I stopped and asked myself: What would make you satisfied with your runs at Ragnar? This completely changed my outlook.

I am never going to be a crazy good athlete. I don’t have the time or the desire to train all of the time. But I can be proud of the things I do accomplish. I don’t have to be the best, I don’t have to be the one everyone is bragging about. But I can be proud of myself.

As we came down the “hill” I thought about what I wanted to accomplish to feel proud of myself at the end of Ragnar. I want to feel like I worked hard and did my best. This means that I keep running until I can’t. It means that I walk when I need to. It means that I run as hard as I can when I see the finish line. It means I don’t compare my run to anyone else’s. That way when I am done and we are coming home I can say I gave my best.

Not Knowing

“You have to learn to live with the not knowing,” from movie The Finest Hours.  

I wasn’t too excited about watching this movie when it was in the theater but it was the only movie that the boys were semi interested in watching so we went. I was wrong about this movie though, it is incredible!

I was so amazed by the story and everything that the people went through.  But one thing that really hit me is when one of the characters said to the other, “You have to learn to live with the not knowing.” When I first heard this quote I thought of life as a police wife.  As a police wife you have to learn to be ok with late nights, no return phone calls and never knowing for sure what time your husband will be home.

It has taken me  a long time, many tears and planning my husband’s funeral in my head more times than I like to admit, to be ok with not knowing.  I never want to lose my husband but I have come to accept the not knowing of our future in relation to the police world.

As I continued to think about this quote I realized that it referred to much more than just being a police wife.  In all aspects of life we have to learn to live with not knowing. We have to be ok with not knowing if our sick friend is going to be ok.  We have to learn to live with not knowing how things are going to turn out for our kids. We have to learn to live with not being able to control every little thing that may happen.

And more than learn to live with not knowing we need to learn to thrive.  The majority of my anxiety stemmed from not knowing what my future held and trying to make sure I ALWAYS made the correct choice. I thought that if I made the perfect choice I would be saved from fear, sorrow or sadness.  I was definitely not learning to live with the unknown. I wasn’t happy and my family was stressed.

I have come to realize that life is the unknown.  That is the point! How boring would it be if we knew how everything was going to turn out?  What would we have to learn if we knew what choice would bring us all the fame and fortune we ever wanted? How could we grow and develop if life were laid out for us? How would we ever develop faith in God if we didn’t have to rely on Him?

Learn to accept the unknown.  Learn to be excited about the future no matter what it may hold. I know it isn’t easy.  It has taken me a really long time to figure out small ways to learn to be ok with the unknown.  But I know it can be done. Keep reaching for the peace that is inside. The peace that God wants to give. Keep learning how to trust yourself and believe that you really are strong enough for your life. 

Life is so much more enjoyable and peaceful when I’m not trying to control everything. Anxiety tried to teach me that I had to do everything right; that being perfect was the only way to have friends. But what anxiety really taught me was that it is ok to not be perfect that I won’t always be able to control life. And that made all the difference.

Oxygen really is vital to life

I had an interesting experience last week. On Wednesday evening I was exhausted but it was worse than I had ever experienced. I was texting with my piano teacher because I needed to change my lesson that week. I was so tired the thought of figuring out a new time was more than I could even focus on.

The next day I had the worst sore throat I had ever experienced. I thought for sure I had strep throat. It hurt to swallow and it hurt up into my ears when I did swallow. I hate going to the doctor but my husband gets strep if he just looks at someone with it. So to save him I went to the doctor.

The good news was that I didn’t have strep but my mucus membranes, throat and lungs were inflamed from all of the allergens. And even better my oxygen level was 94, which I guess is lower than what they like. While I was at the doctor they gave me a nebulizer treatment, afterwords I felt like a different person. My oxygen level was up to 97. When the doctor came back in I asked him about the change. He explained that part of it was due to the medicine in the treatment being a stimulant. The other part was because my brain was finally getting the oxygen it needed.

This made me start thinking about other things in my life that I need. I realized that I was so tired Wednesday because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I didn’t realize that I was missing it until it was gone. What other things in life help me to live a better, healthier life but I don’t notice until they are gone.

I know that getting enough rest is very important to me. I have to have down time at home when I can just relax and not worry about anything. Exercise is another thing that my body needs to feel better. Because of everything going on with my lungs I haven’t been working out for a few days. Although I need the rest and my body needs the time to recuperate I can feel a difference in not working out.

I know that I need time to meditate, (even though I haven’t yet made it 5 minutes without my mind wandering off) study scriptures and pray. This time allows me to reconnect with my God and it reminds me of who I am and why I am here.

These are some of the things that help me to feel better. What do you need in your life to feel more energized? Do you create or make beautiful things? Does spending time with friends and family give you more energy? I would love to know what helps you. If you don’t know what gives you more energy or love for life I would encourage you to search for it.

Pay attention to the things in your life that you crave doing. Spend some time alone pondering what helps you to feel more connected to the world. You will find the things you need to give your life more energy.

I would love to hear what is important to you. Please share it with me in the comments.

Quails are stupid!

My in-laws live down a dirt road. Their house and road are surrounded by farm land so there are lots of animals and birds around. This last Sunday as we were leaving there was a quail running in front of us as we drove down the road. This happens all the time during the spring and summer. I have watched these birds for years run as fast as they can down the road in front of the car. As they are running all I can think is, “You can fly you know. You will be out of harms way quickly if you just take off.” Finally as a last resort as the car is coming on their tail feathers they fly off.

On Sunday as we were driving I mentioned again, (because I say it all the time) “Quails are stupid! Why don’t they just fly away? Don’t they know they could be free and safe so quickly?” My husband then said, “You know they are a lot like people. How often do we just run in front of problems or stress when we could fly away?”

I sat there for a minute then said, “Thanks honey, you just wrote another blog post for me.” It is true. We can fly! Each one of us has so much going for us. We have talents and experiences that have prepared us for where we are today. We have the help of a Heavenly Father that loves us and wants us to succeed.

So why do we spend so much of our time running in front of stress and problems instead of flying away? Because of fear. We know what life is like in the middle of the problem but change is scary. We could fly away from the problem by making a different choice but it is scary to think about where that may lead us. Are we ready to make that change? What will other people think of us if we start that business? What will happen if we stop doing all of the favors for everyone?

I understand the fear. I have lived with the fear of change most of my life. But the fear of not changing is now becoming stronger. The fear of never working for my goals is becoming stronger. I am getting close to mid-life now. I have lived long enough to start looking back on my life while I still have time to change. The thought of not going after my goals because of fear is sad. I don’t want fear to be the story of my life.

So I am choosing to change. I am choosing to work on myself to overcome the fear that has kept me captive. I am trying new things. I am taking steps to achieve goals that I have always put off to someday. I have decided that I can fly to my goals and the kind of life I imagine.

I know that I can fly. I am stretching out my wings and it feels good!

Scary Mommy

When the boys were younger I was not the best mom. Because of the anxiety I was constantly on edge. Ironically, I was trying to be the perfect mom, well the perfect everything, and this made me extremely stressed. Which means I would overreact to small annoyances.

Jamison was a toddler probably about 3 years old and we were having General Conference. This is a conference that happens twice a year in our Church. Because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a worldwide church the conference is broadcast on TV.

I was so ready for the conference. I was ready to the feel the Spirit, be encouraged and given direction in my life. At the time my husband was on patrol and was working. I had set the boys up with some snacks and helped them make a fort in the living room so they could watch from a fun tent. I know I had unrealistic expectations there are two sessions of the conference on Saturday and Sunday and each one is 2 hours long but I just wanted them to sit and listen.

Now remember I have 3 boys ages 3, 6, and 8. They didn’t sit still for two hours if they weren’t drugged. I don’t remember what happened or what they were doing but I got upset and grabbed Jamison. I took him into their bedroom and tossed him onto the bed saying through gritted teeth, “I just want to feel the Spirit!” Now this is not the best way to bring the Spirit into your life. I distinctly remember standing over the bed and looking down at his little face. This was not a proud mom moment.

I tell you this story because of an experience that just happened on Sunday. This conference fiasco is something we have talked about and it is something we joke about now. I want to be honest about what life was like then and I don’t want the boys to be worried about talking about that time. It is also a nice way to let me know I am getting to scary mom territory.

Sunday on the way home from church I mentioned how I was able to straighten out a mistake one leader made. She is usually on top of everything so I was feeling a little proud. (Again not the best reaction.) The boys started joking asking if I had tossed her across the room. I laughed it off. Then when my hubby and I were getting changed he jokingly asked if I had told this leader, “Haha I fixed this and you did it wrong, I’m better than you.” I know he was just teasing me, but this time I didn’t let it roll off my back.

I said, “You guys make me sound like a horrible person.” And then I started to feel sorry for myself. I started to let myself go down the rabbit hole of not doing things perfectly and not being perfect. Before I made it very far down this hole I thought wait a minute, do I really want to feel like this?

Do I want to get upset and ruin the rest of our day? Do I want everyone in the house to have to walk on eggshells around me? The answer to all of these questions was no. I wanted to have a relaxing day with my family without my drama of being overly sensitive.

So I stopped, I changed my thought. I told myself that everyone was teasing and that they don’t think I am horrible. I know they all love me and just wanted to have fun with me.

I know it sounds simple; just change your thought. But it really is that simple. If you don’t like the reaction you’re having, change the thoughts you are telling yourself. If you don’t like feeling like a loser because you aren’t perfect. Quit telling yourself you have to be perfect. If you don’t want to feel anxious because you made a mistake. Tell yourself that mistakes are ways to learn.

It may be simple but it isn’t easy. It takes practice. It is a skill that I practice every day. Some days I am more successful than others. But I keep trying. The good thing was I was able to get out of that rabbit hole quickly. I didn’t let myself get comfy down there.

Do you have thoughts you would like to change? Try this skill. What is the thought that you would like to change? How can you rewrite it in your brain to not be negative? How can you change the thought so you get the reaction that you want? I would love to hear your ideas. Please share your thoughts with me in the comments. And if you want help rewriting your thoughts I would love to help out! Leave me a comment or message me on Facebook.