Category: choice

Whose fault is it anyway?

“It isn’t your fault you are the way you are. From this point if you stay that way it is your fault.” Ray Care

I have been sitting on this quote for a few weeks now. I heard it on the podcast Team Never Quit. Ray Care is a former Navy Seal that lived through a hard younger life to become a Navy Seal and then after leaving the teams he became a successful entrepreneur.

I love the message. The things that have happened to me, good and bad, to make me what I am now are not my fault. But the point when I realize that only I have the choice to change my life, from that point if I don’t change it is my fault.

So this is the sign you have been waiting for. You have the power to make your life whatever you would like it to be. You get to choose what the next part of your life will focus on. You get to decide if you are going to keep blaming other people for where you are. You get to choose how you will handle set backs and bad things that happen. It is all up to you.

Does that mean that life is always going to be fair once you take control of your choices? No life is still going to be hard. You are still going to have deal with other people’s choices but instead of becoming the victim you can become the hero of your life.

You can take what is given to you and turn it into the fire that shoots you forward. You can forgive the people that have hurt you. You can understand that what they did was all about how they were hurting and had nothing to do with you. You can learn to see life as a series of choices. Choices that can lead us closer to our goals or father away.

Those choices are all up to you. You have the power no one else. You have the power to make your life and the world better. What will you do with that power?

The Change Cycle

I hate change! I have fought against change most of my life because I like to be comfortable and the here and now is comfortable. I feel like the majority of people feel the same way. We don’t like change. That is why it is so hard to make changes in our lives. It is much easier to stay where it is safe and where we know what to expect. Because of my own reaction to change and the work I have done with clients I have come to realize how change works. Change is coming at us each day. We can choose to fight against it or learn how to deal with it.

The first part of the cycle is “anticipation of change” this is where we know that something is coming. Maybe we are moving, starting a new job or even something as simple as someone coming to visit. All of these are an interruption of our normal lives. Right at this point we have power over our thoughts. Are we going to focus on all of the bad things that MIGHT happen or do we focus on the good things this change will bring? The change is coming. However, we can make it worse or better depending on how we think about the change.

The next part of the cycle is the change has happened. We have moved, started that new job or the visitor is at our house. We are now living in the change. Now we have the choice of how we are going to deal with the change. We have a couple of choices. We can choose to make this a positive change, neutral or  negative change. The first and I think the best choice is to choose to make the most of the change and learn all we can from it. Although this change may be a negative change like an anxiety disorder getting out of control we can still choose to learn and grow from it. 

Or we can choose to live with the change in a state of neutrality. We don’t learn from it but we don’t make it negative either. Although, this choice is not as helpful as choosing to make it a positive change it is not as destructive as choosing to make it a negative change. We just coast along in the change. Finally, we can make the change a negative change. We can become bitter because we are so angry about the change. We complain about the change to ourselves and to anyone that will listen. But we never choose to do anything to make it better. This choice will continue to guide us down a negative pathway that becomes worse and worse the longer we follow this path.

The next part of the change cycle is when we begin to become comfortable with the change. It is no longer exciting or upsetting.  Life begins to settle down again and the change begins to become part of our life. As stated with the change portion we choose whether we are going to look at this change in a positive or negative light. This stage will lay the foundation for how this change will affect the rest of our lives. We get to choose the direction our life will take.

Finally, the last portion of the change cycle is the change becoming the new normal of our lives. The change has happened we are living with it. We have made the choice if we want to be positive or negative about this change and that choice is playing out in our life. If we have chosen to make it a positive change the change has made our life better. We learned something from this change and we are able to use that to help others. Or we choose to make the change a negative change. We didn’t learn anything and instead of helping others we are pushing people away because they don’t want to listen to the negativity anymore.

This cycle continues over and over again. Sometimes quickly in day such as a stupid driver on the interstate cutting us off. That change can take place in a few minutes. Or the change can take place over several years to our entire lives. The change of dealing with an anxiety disorder is something I have dealt with most of my life. 

As I think about the change cycle and using a negative change to bring positive I think of Elizabeth Smart. She was kidnapped out of her bed as a teenager and held for 9 months. When she was finally rescued she had a choice to make. Her mom told her that she could choose to let her captors continue to hold her by living in anger and fear or she could choose to live her life. Elizabeth choose to live her life. She advocates for missing children she now has a family of her own and is changing the world because she choose to make a change a positive one. 

It is examples like hers that shows me that anyone can make a positive out of any change they encounter in life. It is all up to us what we choose to do with the change. I hope you will choose to make a positive change.

Expectations

I want to make sure everyone gets along.

I want to be sure that everyone is happy.

I want to be sure everyone likes me.

I want to help everyone feel comfortable at the party.

I want to help others understand their worth.

This is a list of expectations that I have had for myself at different times in my life. Some of them are doable and good goals. Others are expectations that are toxic for my frame of mind. I have had times when I want to force people to be happy. I don’t necessarily think that when I am in the situation but that is where it goes.

So what do you do when you find yourself with unrealistic expectations? First, you have to recognize that what you are thinking or doing is not reachable. Wanting to help people feel comfortable at a party is doable. You can introduce them around to the other people. You can make sure they have food and that they know where the bathroom is. But needing everyone to get along is an expectation that is toxic. You can’t make people like each other, no matter what you do.

Second, once you realize that your expectations are out of control you can explore why you are so focused on achieving that thing. One of my major expectations is that I want people to get along and be friends, no matter what. When I started to think about this I realized that it comes from being bullied as a teenager. I know what it is like to be on the outside and it is a horrible feeling. Not wanting someone else to feel like that drives me to the extreme of trying to make everyone like each other. It makes me hyper focus on situations when I think people aren’t getting along. And I spend way too much time trying to fix the “problem”.

Finally, spend some time working through the thinking error that is causing the expectation. I have had to learn how to like myself no matter what other people think. I have come to realize that situations that I think need “fixed” the others don’t see a problem. I have had to learn boundaries and know that even if there is a problem unless I am one of the people involved the problem has nothing to do with me. It takes work and at times I still find myself sucked into trying to fix a problem. However, I can work through it much faster than I used to.

We have all learned expectations throughout our lives. The choice is now ours if we want to keep those expectations or not. We can do the work to let them go or we can stay stuck. I hope you choose to let them go.

I can’t; I can

One of my clients taught me a trick that has changed the way I think. She was stressed because she felt like she was being pulled in two different directions. One person wanted her to do something but she already had other plans and had promised a school shop tripping to her kids.

At first she was trying to figure out how she could do everything to make everyone happy. She was trying to squeeze way too much into one day. As the stress started to build she realized I can’t do all of this. I can’t go to the event that these people want me to. But I can make them dinner. I can’t spend the day at the event like they want. But I can give them a place to come back to rest.

When she realized that she could still do something for her friends her stress evaporated. She knew she couldn’t do what the other person wanted but she could still serve them in another way. She knew that although she wasn’t doing exactly what her friends wanted she was still doing good things for them.

I love this trick so much that I told her I was stealing it. This thought shift makes a huge difference in how I  think. Too often I think I must do everything and I must do it perfectly, it is overwhelming. When I step back and realize I can’t do this whole thing but I can do this part the pressure disappears.

Remember there is only so much time in the day. We can’t do everything but we can do something.

Creation

I have been obsessed lately with creating something. I have been searching Pinterest for a new crafting hobby. I have bought new soft yarn, pens to do hand lettering and material to make Christmas stockings. I want to create something new.

I am convinced I have been obsessed with making something new because of my new venture to be a life coach. I want to create a place for people that are ready to change. I want to make it safe for people to learn about themselves. I want to help them change and overcome whatever may be holding them back.

But I don’t have a clear path forward so I focus on creating things I do know how to do. I can follow a pattern to make a stocking or crochet a scarf. But there isn’t a pattern for what I want to create. And that is scary and really really hard. So I have been distracting myself with all of these other things I can create.

But the distraction means I am not getting closer to my goal and I now have even more unfinished projects in my house. Creation is good and is one of the reason we are here on the earth. I want to start using that power to move forward with my goals.

So no lesson for you today. No take away that will help you in your life. Except maybe this: your goals matter and if they are scary they matter even more. Don’t let yourself get distracted because they may be scary. Create with me!

Dumb Enough to Believe

The fire in my heart is to support and encourage people to believe that they can accomplish their goals. I heard a quote from Dave Ramsey that really struck me he said:

My parents told us we could do anything. And we were dumb enough to believe them.

I was glad I wasn’t driving when I heard this quote. Because I stopped in my kitchen to think about what he said. He was talking about his parents and the way they raised him and his siblings. His parents continually told him that he could do anything – and he believed them.

I know that I haven’t always been the type of person that thought anything was possible. I spent YEARS afraid of everything. I tried to hide the fear from my kids and encourage them to go and experience life. And now I am starting to believe what I have been telling them.

I can see the amazing things that are out in the world. I can see that it may be scary to start something new but it is exhilarating too.  It can seem overwhelming and confusing trying to figure out what to do next but it is exciting to take a step into the new.

What have you been thinking about trying? What would you like to change about your life? What excites you? I would love to hear! And I would be thrilled to help you on this journey. You can reach me by contacting me here.

Let’s be dumb enough to believe that we can accomplish anything!

Mind Reading

The way we think directly effects the way we feel and the things we work towards in our lives. I have learned so much going through anxiety but also becoming certified as a life coach. One of the things I have learned is the different thinking traps that we can fall into.

Because these thoughts are common, so common we sometimes don’t even know we are trapped I decided to do a series on them. I want to help you see the traps so that you can avoid them.

The first one to discuss is mind reading. Mind reading is where you assume what someone else is thinking. I do this All. The. Time. Especially with my husband. I assume that he is mad at me because he is quiet. I assume that he is upset with something I did because he spent lots of time upstairs after work.

I got caught in this trap Tuesday. I was feeling a little off and I felt like my hubby was upset with me. I had no idea why he might be angry but I was going down that road. As I started to work out why I was feeling this way he sent me a text thanking me for being a good wife.

I laughed out loud when I got the text because of where my mind had been going. I assumed I knew what he felt. And I was going through my mind trying to find evidence to prove that he was mad at me.

How can we avoid this trap? We have to ask or we have to be patient enough to wait for the other person to say something. Mind reading is probably the biggest trap I fall into. I remember my counselor asking me how I knew someone was mad at me. When I had to admit that I didn’t know he would remind me that the only way I can know someone’s feelings or thoughts is to ask them.

I know that it can be annoying to ask all the time are you mad at me. But that is the only way you can know the truth. When you start to realize that everyone doesn’t hate you it is easier to start fighting against that trap without having to ask all of the time.

I mentioned that before I got the text from my husband I was starting to work through why I thought he may be upset with me. I write out my feelings when I am lost so I had started a diagram as to why he could be upset. This helps me to see what I am thinking and also to see if there is any truth to what I am thinking.

Not one of us can read the minds of others. And for that I am grateful! Don’t be afraid to ask what someone else may be thinking. It is worth it to not be stuck in a panic attack.

Wear it or Wipe it off?

Last Sunday for church we had what is called Stake Conference. That means that all the wards or congregations in one area meet together. We have talks from the leaders of the Stake but also the members.

There was an older gentleman who spoke and told the following story. He grew up on a farm in Eastern Idaho, his parents were sharecroppers so they all had work to do on the farm. Each morning him and his dad would get up early to milk the cows. This story takes place in the winter and he explained that the end of the cows tail would get full of “stuff”. That is all he said to explain about the cow’s tail. However, the cows tail was full of frozen cow poop, pee, mud, and whatever other gross stuff picked up around the farm.

As he sat down to milk this cow, for whatever reason, the cow slapped him in the face with it’s tail. The gentleman was mad and called for his dad. He expected his dad to be as upset as him and say that they would get rid of the cow. His dad, though, just looked at him for a minute and then said, “Well are you going to wipe it off or are you going to wear it?”

He wiped off the muck and started his milking. He said that he had thought about what his dad said for the rest of his life. Life sometimes hits us upside the head with muck and when it does we have a choice. Are we going to sit there and wear the muck or are we going to wipe it off?

I thought about this in relation to my own life. I know there have been too many times where I wore the muck for way too long. I was mad and I wanted everyone to know that life wasn’t fair for me. Then there have been times where I decided to just wipe it off and go on.  Both choices require work – the decision we have to make is where do we want to expend our efforts.

Do I want to spend the limited time and energy I have being mad? Or do I want to spend the energy wiping off the bad things and moving on?

Why a Life Coach?

As I posted yesterday on Facebook and Instagram I have started a business as a life coach. I am so excited that I am finally official. Life coaching is something that people hear about but may not know what it is. This is my story about why I choose life coaching.

When I was in college my plan was to become a counselor. I love helping people and I love to figure out why. Why things go the way they do, why people do the things they do that kind of thing. I got married shortly before I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology.

I decided to take some time off before I got my Master’s Degree and life happened. Babies and home construction and work and deaths and anxiety and depression and life happened. I then realized that I had enough of my own “stuff” in my head and I really didn’t want other people’s. The idea of being a counselor really wasn’t as appealing to me as it was before.

I was happy with my job and family so I decided that was good for me and I would focus on those. Then I heard about this thing called a life coach. At first it just sounded like a silly thing for rich kids that couldn’t get their lives together. Then I started to learn more and truthfully I wish I had know about life coaches when I went through the worst of my anxiety.

The reason I wish I had know about life coaching before is because coaches look to the future. Life coaches don’t delve into the why like counselors. Life coaching is all about moving forward. We might talk a little bit about the why and how you got in a situation but it is mostly about how to move forward with your goals. Coaches help you find the tools and answers that suit your life and circumstances.

Just talking about coaching gets me hyped up! I love to see the change that comes over a person as they learn and progress. I will continue to share my story with anxiety and depression here and I will be adding in helps that I have learned through coaching. If you feel you are ready for a change I know that I can help. Keep checking back here for helps. If you would like to work with me please message me or comment below I would love to chat with you about how I can help.

The sloth life

I should have been born a sloth. It’s true there are days I hate moving! I had a short run of a mile and a half and it took me 20 minutes just to work up the energy to go get changed. Changing the toilet paper roll annoys me some days and we all know how easy that is!

I told my son that I should have been a sloth and he said, “then you would have to pop through your skin.” My response? “At least I wouldn’t have to move.”

But I wasn’t born a sloth and I have dreams and goals so that means I do have to move. To help myself I have decided on a new course of action: Do it now and stop thinking about it.

Instead of wasting time and mental energy thinking or whining because I have something to do I just do it! Get it over with then I can either relax because I got my work done or move on to the next thing. Once I start moving it is easier to keep moving.

Because I went for my run this morning it was easier to get this post written. Now I am on a roll and will go practice my scales.

Is there something you have been putting off because it seems too hard? Or you just don’t want to do it? Start now! I promise you are wasting more mental energy thinking or worrying over it than it will take to do. I know because I do the same thing. Just stop thinking and go do that thing!

Excuse me I have scales waiting for me…