Category: choice

Using Questions to Change Your Life

I love questions! I ask a lot of questions and always have. I think I was one of those annoying toddlers that asked why every 5 seconds. I love to know why. I love to know why something works the way it does, why someone choose the path they choose, I especially love to know why someone thinks the way they do. I have learned that questions can change your life but you have to ask them correctly.

When I am experiencing a panic attack too often the first question I ask is “Why is this still happening to me?” This question doesn’t do anythng to help me stop the panic attack. All it does is make me feel worse because I am frustrated and upset about having a panic attack. If I instead ask, “What was I thinking about before the panic attack started?” I can begin the process of ending the panic attack.

If I am having a problem communicating with a friend I can ask myself, “What is wrong with me?” Putting all of the focus and the blame on my shortcomings. If I instead ask, “What choices am I responsible for that lead to this problem?” The focus is off of my shortcomings and what I think I did wrong and instead focusing on problem solving to fix whatever may have happened.

In these two examples you can see how different questions can be. One type of question we can use to put ourselves and others down. This type of question doesn’t do anything to help solve and problem. They can, however, do a lot to destroy our peace of mind and sense of self.

The second type of question focuses on finding solutions. They also take the focus off being a “bad” person. This type of questions helps us to problem solve and to look at the problem more objectively. Making it easier to find a solution for the issue facing us.

I love questions. But really I love good questions. I love questions that lead me to change and joy. I love when I can help others to change their questions to better serve them. Do you have a negative question you have been asking yourself? How could you change it to a postive question? If you need help I would love to help you, comment or message me and I will help you change your questions!

Look How Far You’ve Come

This time of year it is common to look forward and plan goals for the new year. I always feel this time of year is kind of negative because we are looking at all of the things we haven’t done and put ourselves down because of it. But this year I would encourage you to look back and see how far you have come.

I was practicing piano the other day (I know another piano metaphor – but playing an instrument teaches you so much about life. If I had know this earlier my kids would have been in lessons at a much younger age.) and I realized how far I have come in being able to play. Usually when I sit down to practice I think about how much more I want to learn and all of the things I am doing wrong.

This time though as I was practicing some church hymns I realized how far I have come. I am able to play a hymn without thinking about it too much. Both hands are moving and I am using the pedal. I am able to work the pedal without having to remember to move my foot. These songs that I didn’t think I would be able to play I am playing. I can’t always play when other people are singing but I am getting better.

How often do we do this? We only look at where we want to go not at what we have accomplished so far. I know people say that what we did yesterday doesn’t matter. But it does matter because it shows us what we can do. It shows that we can learn and grow. It shows us how hard we work. It shows us what we are capable of, so we can continue to progress.

As you begin this new year please take a few moments to look back and see how far you have come. Look at all of the thing you have accomplished. I never thought I would be able to overcome anxiety to live the life I have now. As I look back it amazes me to see how far I have come.

What have you accomplished that amazes you? I would love to hear.

Be Comfortable with being Uncomfortable

 

I have been thinking about the importance of being uncomfortable. I wrote about this last week, to conquer anxiety you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. It is too easy to think that to keep the anxiety at bay you have to keep yourself safe. It is better to just stay where you know nothing bad is ever going to happen.

I have been trying something different this week. I have been putting myself in situations that are uncomfortable. Monday night I drove my husband around on some errands. I know this doesn’t sound that uncomfortable but I never drive when my husband is in the car. I don’t love driving and I worry too much about what people are thinking.

We had a family dinner on Sunday. I often get overwhelmed and leave early when in a big group. There are just too many different things happening. On Sunday I did my best to communicate and enjoy my time with family. Even though it was uncomfortable I tried to focus on making memories.

Why am I trying to put myself in situations that are uncomfortable? Because I think this is my next step in combating anxiety. I am tired of being safe just so that I don’t have an anxiety attack. Being uncomfortable helps me to see that I won’t die. Even though I may have some anxiety I am learning that I have control over it. I have learned that anxiety can’t destroy me so it no longer has as much control over me.

I am on a mission to make myself uncomfortable!

Be Uncomfortable

I am always on the look out for new ways to deal with anxiety. I hate the anxious uncomfortable feeling that comes when I am doing something new or difficult. I want to find the magic cure that will make it so I never have to feel that way again. I think I have finally found it!

The cure? Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. There is a new book out called “Needing to know for sure”. In this book the authors discuss how to get out of the loop of always checking on things or always having to do more research before you make a decision. Basically they are teaching how to stop the anxiety cycle.

I have not read the book yet but I am excited to find out more. They have a four step process for dealing with anxiety. The second step is to embrace the feeling of uncertainty. For most of my life I have been trying to figure out how to calm the feeling of uncertainty. I want to feel confident and unafraid. As a child I would get so scared when my parents were gone I would make all of my siblings go to the neighbors house, often late at night, just so I could be reassured by an adult. (Everyone had to come so that nothing bad would happen to the ones left at home.)

During the worst of the anxiety I would call my husband at least once a day so that I could get reassurance from him that everything is OK. I wanted him to calm me down so that I didn’t have to keep feeling so uncomfortable. And it would work for a little bit but then something else would happen and I would need to check in with someone to calm me down.

Seeking for constant reassurance actually increases the need to seek for reassurance. Because you feel calmer for a little while your brain convinces you that seeking for help is the only way to calm yourself. That is why step two of this program is so important. Learning to be uncomfortable for a little while actually decreases the number of panic attacks faster than seeking reassurance.

In this new book they teach that getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a key to moving forward with anxiety. Going forward even though you feel scared teaches the brain that there isn’t anything to be afraid of. The brain can’t tell the differences between a true threat and one that we imagine. That is why when we feel afraid the gut reaction is to run. That is why we seek reassurance.

However, when the threat is not actually something that will kill us we have to learn how to feel the fear. To do this acknowledge to yourself that you are feeling afraid or uncomfortable. You don’t have to pretend you are feeling fine when you aren’t. As you know I love lists so I make a list of why I am feeling afraid. I love to write the list down because it helps me get it out of my head instead of dwelling on it.

Then I announce, sometimes out loud, that I am afraid but I don’t care I am going to do this thing anyway. Then I remind myself that I have survived every panic attack I have had and this time will not be different. I may not like the way it feels but I can survive it so bring it on. Then I get busy. I do something to distract my brain, especially, if what I had been worrying about was a made up stress scenario.

I am not very good at feeling the fear yet. I have been stress eating to distract myself from the fear. But I have been trying. Will join me in feeling the fear?

Yes is the worst answer

My son tried out for a school musical a few weeks ago. He has not been in choir and had never been in a play before. I knew he was a little nervous so I asked him how he was feeling. He said, “Well, the worst that they can tell me is yes.” It took me a minute to realize what it was he had said.

Usually, people think the worst that they can be told is no. But he had but a twist on it. He wasn’t invested in the outcome because it was something fun that he was trying out so no wasn’t horrible.

I have been thinking about this for weeks. So many times I get so stressed because I don’t want to be told no. I just know that no will mean that I failed. If I am told no then I am not good enough. But when we take the emotion out of the no there is so much less to be worried about.

Instead of looking at no as a failure we can look at it as the next step. We can see that this may not be the best answer for us and move on to the next step. We can use the no to power us on to the next step. Maybe yes really is the worst thing we can hear.

Faith to be Healed

Thanksgiving was a much needed break and time with family. The only downside was coming home with a head cold. Unlike all of the memes that you see about how strong women are when they are sick and how wimpy men are, my house is the opposite. I am a horrible sick person, I am whinny and don’t want to do anything.

To help cut down on the length of the cold I took some NyQuil last night. I hoped that sleeping would give me an edge over the cold. The only bad thing is I am a lightweight when it comes to medicine. I don’t take a lot of medicine so when I do it knocks me for a loop.

I slept well last night but I had some really weird dreams! At one point I remember thinking that if I had faith then God could cure me of this cold in an instant. For the next I don’t know how long I prayed that I would be healed and I thought about what having faith meant.

Did I still have faith even if I woke up still sick? Did I have faith if I wasn’t cured right away? I am still not sure of those answers. I am still sick but I have seen tender mercies that show that Heavenly Father is still watching over me. My husband suggested medicine that would help deal with the symptoms. It has worked great and has helped me to be able to think more clearly.

My son went the extra mile this morning and I was able to get the kitchen cleaned. I don’t know about you but having a clean kitchen always makes me feel better. Probably because I spend so much time there.

So I haven’t been healed of the cold but I have seen that the Lord is watching out for me. Maybe being healed means more than just getting over a cold. What do you think? What does having faith mean to you even if you don’t get what it is you’re praying for? How do you continue to have faith in God when you don’t see the blessing you are wanting? I would love to hear your thoughts.

What is My Job?

 

Quick reminder: You are not responsible to make other people happy. It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. You do not need to be on high alert to be sure that no one says something to offend someone else.

Sometimes we take so much responsiblity on ourselves to make sure that everyone is happy. I have done this most of my life. But when the anxiety become overwhelming the need to control everything really kicked in.

I had to be sure that everyone around me was happy. I had to be sure that no one was mad. Especially not mad at me. But I had to be on high gear to make sure that no one offended someone else. And if that did happen then I had to fix it.

Guess what? That is exhausting! And it is not my job. It is not up to me to make everyone happy. Not even Disneyland can do that! It took me a long time to learn that lesson. It has taken me even longer to learn how to have boundaries.

It is ok to not be responsible for other people’s feelings. In fact it makes socailizing so much more fun. It takes so much less energy for me to be around people now. I don’t have to spend so much time worrying.

Life is hard enough. Take making other people happy off of your responsibility list. Then you can truly enjoy being around people and getting to know them.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is next week! I know that Thanksgiving can get overlooked for Christmas, which I am often guilty of doing. (I just love Christmas stuff.) But Thanksgiving is a special time to stop and feel gratitude for all that I have in my life.

Gratitude is an emotion that can change your life and the way you look at it. There was a time in my life that I lived in darkness and fear and I let anxiety rule my life. I never thought that this would be a time that I would be grateful for. But now that I have worked to change, that period of my life means so much to me.

Gratitude matters for each of us. Not only can it change your own life but it can change other’s lives too. Have you ever met someone that has a problem for every solution? They need to hear the gratitude of others. They need to know that there is good in the world. (Even if they find the bad in what you’re telling them!) Eventually they will hear the gratitude.

Gratitude helps to change the way we think. As we continue to look for the good things in our lives our thinking changes. We are hardwired to focus on the negative because that is what kept us alive. However, we can change that, as we focus on gratitude we are able to see more of the positive aspects of life.

Being grateful strengths your immune system, it helps with your communication and helps you become more empathetic. Gratitude increases your mood and how you think about yourself. It is amazing what gratitude can do to change your life. So I would encourage you to focus on gratitude all year long not just during this time.

An attitude of gratitude really does change your life!

 

This isn’t 100% True

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I bombed that test, I am such an idiot.” or how about, “I am so embarrassed I said that to her, I am so horrible with people no wonder I don’t have any friends.”  If you have you have been guilty of emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when you take what you are feeling and tell yourself that how you are feeling is how you are.

Most people will do this on occasion but they don’t stay stuck on the thought. However, if you are experiencing anxiety you take this thought and continue to build on it until you have convinced yourself that you are horrible and deserve the panic attack.

What can you do to fight against the emotional reasoning? First you need to pay attention to the things you are thinking about. Once you do that you can start fighting back against them. One technique I just learned about is to write down the thought then list every reason why this thought is not 100% true.

This technique is great for a couple of reasons. I love to write things down because seeing things in black and white makes it so much easier to see the truth. Also, by writing down all of the reasons why something is not true you are reminded of the good things and you can fight the anxiety.

Let’s take my thought of saying something embarrassing and not having any friends. As I begin to find reasons why this isn’t true I remember that in line at the store last week I struck up a conversation with the person in front of me so I write that down. Then I remember that we had friends over for dinner last month so I obviously have friends so I write that down. As I remember each experience I am reminded of another one.

Once I have a few reasons why that thought isn’t 100% true I can put the bad experience into perspective. I did say something embarrassing but no one is perfect. They probably don’t even remember it. If they do bring it up I can apologize and laugh it off.

After you have done this a few times you can start to combat the negative thoughts in your mind without needing to write them down. Although, I still write some of them down just to get them out of my head. Being able to fight against the negative thoughts of anxiety gives you back the power of your life. When you try this technique I would love to hear how it works for you!

Clean Out that Closet!

I love, love, love Marie Kondo’s show Tidying Up on Netflix. It is so relaxing to watch because Marie Kondo is so sweet and kind to the people she meets. I love how excited she gets when she sees a messy drawer she can clean out. I especially love to see the change that comes over people as they deal with all of the stuff they have collected.

This weekend I, finally, took some time to clean out the bookcases in our living room. I love books and I collect them like baseball cards. Because of this I have two bookcases filled with books, more overflowing onto the floor and some even stashed under my bed. I love having all of these books but to be honest it was a mess! (Plus I run a library I do have access to plenty of books.)

I hated to have people see this mess and since it was in our front room anyone coming over saw the monster. Also, it is a mental burden to know I have all of these books I haven’t read. As I went through all of the books choosing which ones to keep I felt the load of having too much begin to lift off my shoulders. I was able to fit all of my books into the two bookcases.  They are now organized and the kids can find extra paper and notebooks.

As I was hauling the boxes out to my car to donate I felt like I was ready to take on more. I felt like it was past time to go through my closet. I also felt more in charge of my life. Sometimes just getting rid of old stuff can help you feel so much better. Maybe that is why Marie Kondo is so happy, she doesn’t have any old stuff to pull her down.

Do you have some old stuff to get rid of? Are you ready to clean out the old beliefs in your brain that aren’t serving you? Now is a great time to start working on changes you have been thinking about. Choose one thing you know would make a difference in your life and start there. You will find that one thing has a snowball effect on the rest of your life. And if I can help to make these changes I would be honored to help.