Category: anxiety

So much more than fear

I have dreams and goals.  Ideas and visions.  I also have fear.  Lots and lots of fear.

I hear all the time do it scared.  You don’t have to be perfect just go for it. I know, I believe, then I do.

The fear is still there but I feel better.  Dreams and goals are being achieved. Then I decide I just need a day to relax.  And the fear comes back in full force.

Why am I doing this?  Why did I say that?  Why didn’t I believe in them?  Why don’t I have any friends?  And I don’t want to move.  If I do I will shatter I know that I will.

But I move, I start writing.  I start believing in me again.  I hope that I can soon breathe through the anxiety.  I try connecting without overdoing the fear.  But they don’t answer my text.  I know it is because I offended them and they are never going to talk to me again. (OK really they are probably just busy but this is what my fearful brain tells me.)

I share what it feels like because that is the only way that I know how to get rid of the fear.

Breathe, breathe the fear isn’t real it isn’t me.  It is part of me but it isn’t the real me.  I have to learn to live with it.  I thought I had this all figured out.  Maybe I did.  I just need to go back to what I know.

Take care of me, love me, believe in me.  Love is the true me.  Love is always the truth.

Really?! That is self care!!!

Only 1 more Self-Care Thursday!  I have had a ball sharing ideas with you about ways that you can take care of yourself.  I hope that you have enjoyed it!

Today I am going to share an idea that may not really sound like a form of self care.  But stick with me all will be clear in the end. (Said with a magical hand wave.)

Service yep service is a great way to take care of yourself and help others at the same time.  Now I know what you are thinking – Really I have to think about helping others when I am barely keeping my head above water in my own life. They just need to take care of their own problems.

I know, I get it!  I got so consumed with anxiety during my life that I couldn’t look around.  I was just trying to survive.  I closed myself and my life off to a very small group of people.  But then I started feeling better and I realized that there is life outside of myself.  As I began to realize that I also realized that my problems seemed smaller when I would reach out to others. (I am also sharing this because I need the reminder to start reaching out again!)

Now I am not going to tell you that someone has it worse than you, so you should be grateful for what you have.  Because I REALLY HATE that saying.  It is true that life is hard for everyone but saying that other people have it harder discounts your struggles.  It is like saying your problems don’t matter.  And they DO!

Ok so why service?  Because it is awesome!  Just thinking about what you can do to help someone else makes you feel better. Have you ever noticed that?  Even when I was in the middle of the worst of the anxiety I could distract myself thinking about other people.  I was lucky enough to have been asked to help with the young woman group in my church during this time.  I say lucky because they were AWESOME and I miss them very much.  But also because during this time I would not have looked outside of myself for others to serve.  I was “forced” to do service.

Whenever I started to get stressed or overwhelmed in my own life I was able to ask myself. “What do the young women need?  What can I do to help them?”  I may not get an answer and I may not have done anything right that second but just the thought of what I could do moved my brain enough that I didn’t have an anxiety attack.

Now you are asking what can I do?  My life is busy enough how can I add one more thing into it?  The answer is you don’t have to!

You can do random acts of kindness.  Maybe just tape a dollar to a vending machine with a note saying the treat is on you.  Do you have some extra money? Pay for the car behind you in the drive thru. (Disclaimer: I have never done this and yes it does make me nervous because what-if they have a huge order!? Maybe ask for their total first.)  You can always go on Pinterest and search Random Acts of Kindness.  You can find great ideas and cute notes that go with them.  (But don’t let the extra work dissuade you from doing the service!  Just do it without the cute note.  That is how I roll!)

If you are ready for a little bit bigger project you can always go to Volunteermatch.org.  This is a great website that has a ton of volunteer opportunities.  They even have some that are online only.  So you don’t have to leave your house.  YAY!!!

If you know how to run a sewing machine you can help out at Days for Girls. This is a great nonprofit that makes reusable feminine hygiene kits for girls in developing countries.  Girls miss school during their periods because they don’t have any feminine hygiene products.  I love projects like these.  You can fit them into your schedule and you are lifting an entire community because you are educating their women.  “You educate a man you educate a man.  You educate a woman you educate a generation.” Brigham Young

These are just a couple of ideas that you can use to begin venturing out into the world of service.  I know that at times is seems overwhelming to even think about reaching out in service.  I promise you, though, that as you do you will be blessed!  Will you join me in doing one act of service this week?

Photo credit: SHTTEFAN on Unsplash

Chocolate solves everything!

I love no adore no worship chocolate!  It is my go to for any problem or stress.

When I am feeling stressed, a little bit of chocolate will calm me down.  Maybe I am bored and a little bit of chocolate will make life more interesting.  If I am feeling bad about myself, a little bit of chocolate is always there to help me feel better.  Do you notice a pattern here?  Chocolate is always there to make me feel better.  But I have started to wonder if that is really true.  Does chocolate really make me feel better?

My goal has been to feel my feelings and emotions instead of eating them.  Yesterday morning I had to run to the store to get a hair dryer.  Of course there is candy in the checkout line.  I was feeling really nervous.  I want to do so good with this blog but I am not sure what to do or where to go.  I have big scary goals and I am not sure how to achieve them.  It is Monday morning and I have to figure out all of this right now! I was standing there in line thinking I could just get a little something it will make me feel better. (Yes I know I am addicted to food. I sound like a drug addict!)

Finally I put the candy back.  Eating the candy won’t change my goals or help me achieve them any faster.  It won’t really help me calm down because after I eat it I will just feel guilty.  But putting that candy back reminded me that I have the power in my life.  I have control of my feelings and thoughts.  I get to decided!

When I was in the middle of the anxiety I didn’t feel like I had any control of my life.  Anxiety attacks would come out of the blue. (Or so I thought!) Life was hard and crazy.  I had so many different emotions I was trying to figure out.  I carried chocolate with me to be able to handle all of those emotions.

What does it matter that I put the chocolate back?   Because I am choosing to take control of my life.  I am choosing to do what is right for me.  I have used food for so long to help me “handle” life.  The only way that I can grow and become who I am meant to be is to feel my feelings.  I have to let myself feel nervous.  I have to let myself feel stressed.  I have to tell other people that what they are doing hurts me.

I no longer have the horrible anxiety attacks.  I have figured out how to handle them.  Life is still hard and crazy but I am not the same person.  I don’t want to keep doing the same things.  I choose to make changes.

Are you mad at me?

Why are you here? What is your purpose?

Not too long ago I thought my purpose was to make everyone happy.  And I mean EVERYONE! I worried about people behind me on the road when I was driving it was that bad.  The anxiety I experience centers around what others think of me and making sure they are happy.

My poor husband had to listen daily to worries that I had offended someone. When I think back to those days I can remember the worry and the stress.  But very rarely can I remember what it was I was so worried about.

My favorite question during that time was: are you mad at me?  I had to check in with the people in my life often to make sure that I had not done something to make them mad.  I never could keep in mind what my mom always told us as kids, “They didn’t make you made, you chose to be mad.”  It wasn’t up to me to make people happy.  But I just couldn’t keep that in mind.

The reason that I share this story is because I have been thinking about the differences in my life recently.  I can still tell when other people are just a little off or not feeling right.  But I no longer take responsibility for their feelings.  I try to find out what is going on and help them deal with the stress.  But I no longer make other feelings a condition of me feeling good.

I now know that my purpose in life is not making other people happy.  But I wonder could part of my purpose be helping other people find their purpose?

 

Connection to God

Self care Thursday!!

Most of you know that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  My connection to the divine is through my belief in God and in Jesus Christ who saved me and  paid the price for my sins.  That is what I feel in my heart and what I believe.

Why does this matter?  Because one of the best ways to take care of yourself is to keep your connection with the divine strong.

I know that there are many different ways to believe and connect to the divine in all of us.  I have been blessed by knowing and experiencing this connection in many different ways in my life. Today I NEED to focus on a lesson I learned reading in the Bible. A lesson that demonstrated how I had been lifted and carried during the horrible anxiety time when I felt no one was listening.  And has shown me how to weather the daily storms of life.

I was reading in Matthew chapter 6, Jesus is giving the Sermon on the Mount.  At this point He is teaching the people how to pray.  He says in verse 11  “Give us this day our daily bread.”  I stopped and began to think about what that really meant to me.  He said give us the bread we need today.  Not give us everything we will need for this week.  Not, give me all of the knowledge that I will need in my life.  No He said give us what we need today.

When I was in the worst of the anxiety I wanted to be given the way out right now!  I wanted the pain and fear to be over NOW! But what the Lord was offering me was a way to become stronger.  He gave me what I needed right then at that moment, in that day, so that I could move forward.

I was given the strength to wipe my tears, get up off of the floor and take care of my family and myself.  I was given the knowledge of what to do that day to help myself feel ok enough to not hurt myself.  I was given friends and family and some people I never saw again to lift me up.  I was given a husband that listened to me everyday no matter what.  I was given exactly what I needed to be strengthened in that day.

What I wanted and what I needed were two very different things. I am very grateful that I was given what I needed and not what I wanted during that time.  I was given the daily bread I needed.

I look back and know that if I had been saved from what I went through daily I would not be who I am today.  I wanted to be saved from trouble and heartbreak.  When truly that trouble and heartbreak changed me into a stronger servant.  And I know that each day I must connect with the divine.  I need to be reminded of who I really am.  In the world today we are pulled in so many directions.  We are told so many things that aren’t true.  As we keep our connection with the divine strong we are able to remember who we really are.

When we remember who we really are we are better able to take care of ourselves.  We can combat all of the things that we are told that aren’t true.  We are able to lift others and share the light we have cultivated.  When I am connected to the divine I am given the words I need to heal my broken heart and hopefully share that healing with others. When we are connected we are able to live our true selves.  We are able to live the life we were sent here to live.

I share all of this with you because I need the reminder.  I need to remember how it feels when I connect with God.  I need to remember that when I am living in His truth I am living the life he wants me to live.  I want to remember each day the feeling of love and peace that comes God.  I want to remember that this peace is worth fighting for.  I want you to know that you are loved by me but more importantly you are loved by God.

Thoughts Build a Life

I have been thinking a lot about self care lately.  Part of the reason for that is because it seems like everywhere I turn someone is talking about self care. Is that true for everyone or do I just really need to hear the message?   Another reason I have been thinking about it is because I know that I HAVE to take care of myself.  When I take care of myself the anxiety and depression are so much easier to handle.  So this month I decided that I would share with you some of the ways that I take care of myself.  Look for Self Care Thursday every Thursday in August!

One of the easiest things you can do to take care of yourself is to pay attention to your thoughts.  We have so many thoughts that run through our heads and most of the time we don’t even realize what those thoughts are or how they may affect you.  I know there were times that I would be in the middle of a panic attack and not even know what caused it.

So here is the tip: pay attention to the thoughts in your head.  Especially what you tell yourself about yourself.  This may take some practice if you are not accustomed to paying attention to your thoughts.  But it is a skill that can be learned.

The easiest way to do this is to grab a cheap notebook and pick a time each day that you can take five-ten minutes and write down all of thoughts you have in your head at that time.  It may be difficult at first to hear what you were telling yourself but stick with it!  It will get easier and you will be amazed and what you learn!

Another trick I learned from Jamie Knapp at Illuminate Mentoring (She is awesome!! Seriously look her up she has online classes that are life changing!! Look up Illuminate Mentoring on FaceBook)  Is to get two notebooks one is black the other can be which ever color you like.  Whenever you feel sad, depressed or just not yourself get out your black notebook and write down all of the negative thoughts you can remember.  When you get out all of the negative you bring out the other notebook.  In this other notebook you change each of the negative thoughts to a positive one.

Here is an example because I kinda had a hard time switching the negative to a positive.  A very common negative thought for me is that I must do exactly what others want to make them happy.  I cannot make any mistakes.  Changing that to a positive: I am a worthwhile person and others like me for who I am and they love me and forgive my mistakes.

Can you feel the difference between the negative and the positive?  I know that paying attention to your thoughts will make such a difference in your life.  I know that as I have changed the way I talk to myself my life has been changing.

So go get your notebooks and start taking care of yourself!!! (This is a perfect time to go get new notebooks because you have to buy them for back to school anyway.  Get yourself something cute!  Oh and maybe a new pen or two.  I love school supplies can you tell?)

Don’t look down!!!

Sky Trail Navigator Comes to Wahooz

Our family vacation this year was spent at Wahooz!  They have changed a lot since the last time we visited.  One of the changes was the addition of a ropes course.  When I first heard about it I thought it would be a little course with a couple of different things to do.  But the reality was very different, it was huge!  It is two levels the first level is about 20 feet off the ground with different paths going every which way.  It kind of looks like a spider web.  Then there is a second level another 15 feet up.

 

I was so excited to try this out.  I have rock climbed and repelled and it is so much fun!  I thought the ropes course would be something like rock climbing.  My husband and my niece where the first ones on the course and they looked like they were having so much fun.  They were walking around on the different levels no problem.  So we went and got the safety gear on and started up the stairs to the first level.

 

All of the kids scattered to the different paths and were having a blast!  The landing that you come up on has three different paths coming off of it.  I went to step off onto one of the paths and remembered that I really hate heights!  I could step off with one foot but I couldn’t get the other foot off of the landing.

 

My hubby came down to help me.  His first advice was to look ahead to where you are going not where you put your foot right now.  I listened I did but I still couldn’t move.  Finally I decided that I had to move onto one of the paths even if everything in me was yelling at me to get back down on the ground.  I have fought too hard to let the fear win.  So I moved!

 

I decided to go across the path that was a rope that you walk on and a rope that was just above chest height that you could hold onto.  As I worked my way across the path every muscle in my body was tensed.  Every time I moved the ropes would start swinging.  When they would start swinging I would react by moving in the opposite direction.  I was trying to control the ropes but all I did was to make the swinging worse.  I finally got control of myself and the ropes and made it across to the next landing.

 

My husband helped me across the rest of the paths and as I got more comfortable each path was easier and easier.  We spent about an hour on the ropes course and then went and did the other fun things that Wahooz has to offer.

 

Later that day my youngest wanted to do the course again so I went up with him.  This time because I had done it before I was much more relaxed.  Getting my second foot off the platform was still hard but I was able to do it without help this time.  We did end up doing that first path again and I learned something.

 

I learned that if I just relaxed into the swing instead of fight it there was much less swing. I slowed down and enjoyed the journey across.  Especially because our youngest is hilarious and always has something funny to say.  As I finished the course the second time I started to think about what I had learned.  

 

First, my husband taught me that instead of looking at where I am and stressing about how scary it will be to move forward I should look to where I am going.  He told me to look just a little way ahead on the path.  This helped so much when I finally did it because it made the ground blurry and I could really focus on the rope.  But it also took the pressure off of  what I felt I HAD to do right now.  All I had to do was move forward to the point ahead.

 

Too often in life I look at this huge goal I have and it so overwhelming I have no idea how I am ever going to accomplish it.  Aron taught me that I just need to look at the next step while keeping the big goal in mind.  That way I know where I want to get to but I focus on the steps to get there not this huge scary thing I’m trying to do.

 

Second, I learned that when I relaxed into the scary parts it made it much easier.  Instead of tensing every muscle in my body I tried to relaxing into the harness and waiting for the ropes to stop moving.

 

In life there are times that are so hard!  When I was in the middle of the anxiety I reacted to an anxiety attack much like I did the first rope path.  I tensed up got angry and scared that I was having another anxiety attack which made the attack even worse.  As I have learned more about anxiety and how to handle it I have realized that I need to just relax into it.  Now when the anxiety starts I acknowledge it.  I let it take its course through my body and I find something else to do or think about.  Before I know it the anxiety is gone and I didn’t have to suffer.  

 

I know that life is hard and there are times that are just ugly.  But I also know that those times are NOT going to last forever.  Relax into that time when life is hard.  Look to your next step.  Look to what needs done right now then the next right now.  Slow down.  Take care of yourself.  Ask for help from people you trust.  Say no to things you don’t want to do or can’t handle right now.  Know your limits and respect them.  You are OK right now.  You don’t have to do anything to fix you because you are perfect!  Right Now YOU are perfect!  Just the way you are!

 

Choose for yourself!

So often when anxiety is active I feel like I don’t have a choice about what happens in my life.  It feels as if all of the sudden I am sucked into this horrible feeling of panic and despair and there isn’t a thing I can do it stop what is happening or to change it.

 

Last week I was in the middle of a panic attack and I was feeling so horrible about myself that I was falling back into something I thought I had more control over.  Not only did I have to deal with the panic but I also was dealing with horrible feelings about who I am as a person.   I begin to have such horrible self talk that the spiral that began with the panic becomes worse.  I am my own worst enemy.  This time though something stopped me from sliding to the bottom of this well known slide.

 

I realized that I had a choice.  The panic is going to come, I don’t always have control over that, but I do have control over my choices.  When I was a child and would fight with a sibling I would tell my mom that they made me so mad! She would say they didn’t make you made you choose to be mad.  I hated that because it just didn’t seem true (plus they didn’t get in trouble).  Now I understand, I can’t control what others do or how anxiety will come into my life.  But I do have control of my choices.

 

I can start to feel horrible and tell myself what a weak person I am because I am having ANOTHER panic attack when I should be stronger than this.  Or I can be gentle with myself and acknowledge that anxiety will probably be a part of my life for the rest of my life.  I can choose to be loving to myself and let the anxiety pass.  I can understand that having anxiety doesn’t define what type of person I am, I do that.  I can acknowledge the anxiety as something passing through my body it does not define who I am.  I get to choose who I am, what type of friend, mother, wife, sister or daughter I want to be.  I get to decide that from my choices.

 

And the really good part???  So do you!  Whatever challenge you are facing right now is not who you are.  It is part of your story but you get to write how it will turn out.  You get to decide if you will let it define how you react to life or if you will choose a different path.  It is all up to you!  And me!  For that I will always be grateful; I get to choose!

Keep being brave!

Yesterday I did something super brave.

Next month we are running the Wasatch Ragnar and I have not been training.  I haven’t really worked out all winter.  Ragnar is a relay race of about 182 miles over the Wasatch mountains.  You have teams of 12 people, 6 in 2 vans and you take turns running.  Each person runs 3 “legs” of varying distance and difficulty. Even before looking at the legs I knew that I would be having a hard time because I haven’t been training.

Then I looked at what we would be running and really started to stress!  Not only do we deal with the ups and downs of the mountains but we have to handle the elevation.  The starting elevation is 4525 ft.  Here in Idaho where I live the elevation is only 2730 ft.  Then I looked at the distances and difficulty of the legs.  It looked like everything was hard!

I told my awesome husband last night that I new physically I was the weak link on our team.  It was awesome because my kids were there and they totally disagreed!  Yay for kids that have your back no matter what.  Anyway I told him that I should probably take the first leg which consists of 2 easy legs and a moderate leg.  I said that it wasn’t fair to give that to someone else that had been training just to make me feel better.

The reason that this was so hard for me to say is because I always want people to think the best of me.  I want to be seen as perfect and never making a mistake.  Yes you have read about that before.  I am working really hard to be honest with myself and with others about what I can and can’t do.  So even though I really want to be seen as super strong and able to handle anything I had to be honest in what I can do this time.

Besides it has been freeing to be honest.  To not pretend that I am something that I am not right now. Being honest allows so many more good things into life. There is room to learn and grow when you let go and be yourself!

Of course, this just made me want to work harder to be in shape for the Hood to Coast relay race we are running in August!