Category: anxiety

What piano has taught me about anxiety

I started taking piano lessons a few months ago. I know a little bit about the piano but I am definitely a beginner. I still have to pay close attention to what I am playing. I have learned that the way I play best is by not thinking about anything else. Most of the time I can’t even think about what is coming next, I just have to play what is in front of me.

When I try to think about what is coming I mess up what I am playing at the moment. If I start to think about how many mistakes I have made on the piece I just keep getting worse and worse; especially if I am playing in front of my teacher. If I start thinking about something else I am bound to make mistakes.

We live in a world that encourages even idealizes multitasking. Even as I write this I am eating breakfast, thinking about what we will have for dinner and making sure that the kids get out the door for school. But when I play the piano I can’t do or think about anything else.

Playing the piano gave me an idea for dealing with anxiety. My brain cannot be left alone because it usually wanders into the anxiety playground. I don’t even realize what is going on until I can’t catch my breathe or I start feeling horrible about life.

So the tip that I have learned from piano is this: pay attention to what I am thinking about or to what I am doing right now. I have to keep my brain focused. Not worrying about what other people think of what I am doing. Not worrying about what I will be doing next. Just focus on what I am doing right now.

Multitasking might be the way to do things these days but it just doesn’t work for me or for my mental health. I am learning to slow down. Pay attention to what I am doing and what I am thinking about. (Obviously I am not perfect at this as shown above but I am working on it!) Not only does this help me stop anxiety attacks before they start but I also do better at the task I am working on.

I know single tasking is not what the cool kids are doing these days but I encourage you to try it. Slow down, pay attention to the task or person in front of you. Make them the most important part of this moment and you will be surprised at how your life changes.

Hope Peace and Rest

Last week I was driving along the interstate and saw a billboard that said Jesus offers hope peace and rest.

I have been taught about the rest that Jesus offers for all of my life. For many years, however, I didn’t let myself feel that rest. My worries overtook any feeling of peace or rest that I may have received. I remember multiple times in my closet or next to my bed sobbing and begging for help. I just wanted to feel that peace that had been promised me. I had gotten to the point that I had decided that I would not be able to experience that rest until after this life. Deep down I knew that wasn’t what God had in mind for my life. He didn’t want me to experience that pain for the rest of my mortal life.

Only in the last few years have I realized that I had to give that fear, that burden to the Lord. He wanted to lift it and carry it for me. But he couldn’t just take it away I had to give it away. In the Psalm we are told to “Cast thy burden upon the Lord”. We can get rid of the burden but we have to be the ones to throw it to Him.

How do you do that? How was I finally able to let go of the fear to let the peace and rest of Christ into my life? Practice and faith

The practice in feeling that rest came during my prayers. During my personal prayers I focus as hard as I can on what I imagine God to look like. I slow down my breathing and take the time to clear my thoughts. Sometimes I imagine myself sweeping away everything that may stand between myself and the Lord. Then I start slowly with my prayer. I pay attention to what I am telling God. I make sure that I am being present with my thoughts. I try to act as if we are sitting in my room having a conversation. I focus on that sense of peace and rest that comes during prayer. I imagine Christ standing beside me lifting the burden from my back.

I had to get to the point in my faith that I could trust Christ with my burden. The anxiety made me believe that I had to do everything right and then I could approach Christ for help. As I started to come out of the anxiety through therapy and medication, I was able to start feeling the Holy Ghost guiding me. I could feel the love of Christ. I wish I could have felt this peace more during the anxiety but I am grateful it has come now.

I am not perfect. I don’t always feel that peace. But I know now that it is there for me. I know how to access it. I know that when I give away that burden even for a few minutes I can feel that peace. And that is enough to continue to believe in Christ and to continue to believe in myself.

What am I willing to sacrifice?

Sometimes in life we need to give up something we want right now for something we want even more. Sacrificing is hard and most of the time I really hate it when I am doing it. I have been thinking about sacrifice this week because of my husband. He recently asked one of our boys what they were willing to give up to achieve their goals. This got me to thinking about my goals. Am I willing to move out of my comfort zone to achieve what I want?

Anxiety affected my ability to reach out and connect with other people.  I was so worried about what other people thought of me I couldn’t get past my own thoughts to reach other people. I had so much going on in my brain I had a difficult time slowing down my thoughts enough to be able to hear another person.

Now I am mostly on the other side of those feelings. I can shut down an anxiety attack much quicker. I can slow down my brain enough to listen to what another person is saying. (Sometimes I have to work to do that but I can do it!) But I am still struggling to connect with other people. I recently went to a women’s group and after it was over I stood in the corner like an awkward teenager. I was too scared to reach out to any of the women.

I was too scared to reach out because I still have a portion of the anxiety in my head telling me that I am not good enough.  This lie holds me back from connecting with people because it tells me that the other person wouldn’t want to be my friend. It tells me that I don’t have anything to offer and that I am not good enough to help them even if I did offer. I know these are lies but at times they still control me.

This brings me to my sacrifice. I want to give up my comfort zone to connect with other people. It means I’m going to have to be vulnerable. It means I will have to be uncomfortable. It means I’m going to have to work. it scares me because of the lie. But I am tired of believing the lie and living in it’s shadow.

I am going to start fighting this lie of anxiety by reaching out to others. But I would love your ideas and support. How do you push through when you know you want something but you are sacred? How do you fight the lie of not being good enough?

Photo by Matt Kochar on Unsplash

Learning to live with anxiety

As I write this I am having an anxiety attack.  I have dealt with them for quite a few years. If you have anxiety you know how it feels: your heart starts to speed up, your thoughts go down a dark hole of negativty and you are certain that your heart is going to explode at any second. I have learned a few things about anxiety in the few years we have been buddies. I hope that they will help you not to have to travell the same path I have gone down.

First off, it isn’t going to kill me. I have been extra sensitive my entire life but the full on panic has been part of my life for about the last ten years. Althougth it often feels like it my heart has not yet exploded. The anxiety feels horrible and overwhelming but it isn’t going to kill me. In the middle of a panic attack it is hard to remember this but I promise it is true.

Another thing I have learned is that I can make the anxiety attack worse by the way that I think. When the anxiety starts I have two choice I can think this is horrible it is never going to end why do I have to put up with this why am I not strong enough to deal with life. Or I can think this is going to be a difficult day I really don’t want to do what I need to but I know that I can do it. My thoughts in the first experience lead me further down into the black hole. They make the feelings worse and my thoughts begin to spiral further out of control.  In the second example I am still having a panic attack but it doesn’t have the same control over me. I can stay above the black hole instead of entering in.

I have learned that to stay above the black hole I have to keep my mind busy.  Because of experiencing the anxiety for so long my brain is now accustomed to running quickly all of the time. I have found that I when I keep my brain busy with other things the panic doesn’t have as much space to take over.

Here is an example of what I mean. Most of my worry centers on what other people think of me so I have to make sure I am making the perfect choice all of the time. When I start to fixate on a worry I move those thoughts to an area I can actually change. When I start worrying I will imagine a stop sign and then move my thoughts in another direction. What do my boys need to get ready for school. I can start a list and begin to get things ready. By the time I have finished the anxiety is down to where I can handle it.

The panic attack I was having when I started this post is now subsiding. I know that I will deal with it more today because of what it is centered on. However, I know that I can handle it and not let it get out of control. I have faith in you also. The anxiety is not who you are, it is just a party of you that you can learn to handle.

Patience is Hard

Patience is hard, sometime it is crazy hard. I want to have what I want NOW. I want to know all the steps in my path NOW. I want to know what I should be doing NOW. Is anyone else like that?

I was listening to the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon the other morning as I was getting ready. Alma 20:29 stopped me in my tracks (metaphorically I really had to get ready for work.) The end of the verse says “nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings.”

The people that Alma was talking about had been in jail. Their skin was raw from being tied up. They were hungry, thirsty and had probably been beaten. But they were patient. They waited on the Lord to rescue them. They knew that no matter if they lived or died they were on the Lord’s errand.

Maybe I am not so patient because I am not sure I am following the Lord’s plan for my life. How do you have patience and faith in the Lord? How do you know you are on the correct path for your life?

Photo by John Salzarulo on Unsplash

Circles in my mind.

My brain does circles sometimes.  It is not necessarily anxiety but it can turn into that if I let the circles continue.

I get fixated on one thought and I spend every minute trying to figure out how to make that thing work or make that thing make sense.  Today it has been the personality test Strengths Finder.  I was looking at the results today and one of my strengths in a connector.

I have been trying to figure it out because I don’t feel like I am a very good connector.  I like people and I like people to be happy and if someone is having a relationship problem I want to fix it.  But I don’t feel like I connect.

Then I start to wonder if the other strengths are really my strengths.  If this one is off then the other ones could be too.  I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology so I feel like I can figure out how to answer these tests so that I get the results I want.  If I do that then how can I trust any of these tests?

Yes I make myself dizzy with all of these questions.  Does anyone else have circles in the brain?

The point?  I have to stop the circles.  I distract myself with work or thinking about the Primary class I am teaching on Sunday.  I write, I play games with the boys.

The truth is the circles are there but I have the choice of stepping out of the circle.  Excuse me while I go get out of this circle.

Confidence – I am looking for you!

Last week I finally got the courage to read back through my journals from the time the anxiety was out of control.  I was nervous to read them because this time was so hard to go through I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read it again.  They were hard to read but the thing that really struck me was how often I said I just wanted to be good enough.

Not feeling good enough is not really a new feeling for me.  When I was little my mom asked my Aunt to be my secret friend.  She sent me a few cards (which I still have) with notes building me up and a necklace (which I lost).  My mom signed me up for Girl Scouts to give me something of mine own.   Why did my mom do this for me?  I didn’t ask her for either thing.  She did it because I was so shy I wouldn’t do anything unless my older sister was also going.  I followed her around for years!

Truth be told I am still shy and unsure of myself. I don’t really like doing things without my hubby.  He is the one I follow around now!  I am tired of being scared of everything and feeling unsure about who I really am.

I made a decision.  I am going to research, look for, pray about and generally do everything I can to find confidence.  My goal is to change the way I feel about myself and the way I react to the world.  To keep myself on track and accountable I am going to post here on my blog everyday for 30 days.  I will post the things I learn, how my journey is going and the scary things I am doing to gain more confidence.

I hope you will join me in my journey and that some of the things I learn will help you also!

I just did a Thing

I did a thing and to most people this thing is not that big of a deal.  To me it is HUGE!

My thing?? I just set my alarm for 5:15am for tomorrow morning!! And I am excited about it! Why is this such a big deal?  Because I have never liked to get up.  In fact when my hubby and I were engaged we were at a family reunion and my siblings were ready to go hiking and I was still asleep.  They sent my hubby up to wake me up.  When my Dad noticed he was gone from the living room he asked where my hubby had gone.  When my sister said to wake up Janna.  Dad said well that engagement is off.

Through the dark days of anxiety and depression sleep was even more precious to me.  I could escape through sleep.  In fact when my oldest was in first grade he would have to come and wake me up for school.  Yep a 6 year old was waking up his mom for school.

Why does all of this matter? It matters because I want you to know that things change.  You will get better.  The days aren’t always hard and the world isn’t always scary.

I am excited to wake up in the morning now because I have dreams and goals.  I still deal with depression and anxiety; some days are just hard.  It does get better.  There is a light.  Life changes for the better.  There are so many people rooting for you and cheering you on.  You don’t even know!

You are loved, keep up the fight!

Photo by Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash

 

Friends

People are scary!  Wait didn’t I just write this post?  Oh yea I did.

I wrote that post knowing that there was a women’s group, meeting at my church.  (The women’s group is called Relief Society.)  I knew that I needed to start going to make some friends.  And I had been asked to make cookies.  Perfect excuse to go right?  It was also a get to know you night because there are lots of new people coming so I wouldn’t be the only “new” person there.

All day yesterday all I could think is I don’t want to go.  I made the cookies thinking well I can just drop them off.  Or I can just go for half an hour.  At least if I go I can say I did it.  I JUST WROTE A BLOG POST ABOUT BEING FRIENDLY I HAVE TO GO.

Well, I didn’t go.  The world didn’t crash down.  We had a great night together as a family.  No one called me to ask where I was with the cookies.  It was all good.  Except I felt a little guilty because I didn’t go.  I mean I did just write this great blog post.

This morning I met a fellow “This is my Brave” cast member.  To be honest I thought she just wanted to meet to sell me her product.  I couldn’t figure out why she wanted to get together.  She is gorgeous, accomplished and totally awesome.  Why would she want to get together with me???  Yes these are all of the thoughts I have running through my head.

I really wanted to tell her that I wasn’t coming.  But I didn’t.  And you know what I was totally wrong!!  She just wanted to visit.  We talked for an hour all about life and goals and how we are doing mentally.  It was an amazing hour.

Maybe I can make new friends.  I just need to do it on my terms.

 

 

People are Scary!

People are really really scary.

What if I say something embarrassing?  What if I make a fool of myself again? What if I can’t solve their problem?  What if I can’t make them happy?  What if I am not good enough?  What if….What if….What if?

What if just keeps going through my mind.  I know it is because of the anxiety, with some perfectionism thrown in there for fun.  Knowing this doesn’t make socializing any easier. It makes me think 2 or 3 times before I say anything. Because trust me when I don’t really really bad things come out of my mouth.

These what ifs have kept me from reaching out to people since we have moved. It has been almost exactly a year since we moved and I really don’t have any friends.

I get frustrated with myself often.  But then I go and put my pajama pants on and all is good!  Life, though, isn’t lived in front of the T.V.

The truth is people are really really fun too. People will share the most amazing stories with you.  People you don’t even know will love and take care of you. People are all scared and uncomfortable at some point.

Not connecting with people makes for a lonely life.  So it might be scary and I might say something really dumb.  (Sorry honey it is usually about you!) But I am going to do it!  Wish me luck.

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