Category: anxiety

What is your Endgame?

Last weekend one of the most anticipated movies of the year came out: Avenger Endgame. First off – no spoilers here! I haven’t even seen the movie yet. But we are huge Marvel Comic Universe fans here at my house. If you want to have a discussion about Venom, Carnage, and Riot and which would win in a fight I am your girl. But that isn’t what I want to talk about.

This Marvel Universe has been evolving for 11 years starting with Iron Man. There are at least 22 movies with I am not sure how many TV shows in the saga.

Some have done better than others at the box office.

Some were released and then disappeared. I am looking at you Fantastic Four. (Although I do love you.)

Some have done better than others.

Some taught us about more than just super heroes.

The creators have been working on these movies for years. What if they had given up when it got hard? What if they gave up when one of the movies did bad? What if they stopped because some people didn’t like the way they portrayed a character?

We wouldn’t have these movies and the enjoyment they bring into our lives. What if I had given up when the anxiety got bad? What if I quit trying because it hurt too much? What if I just stopped because someone didn’t like the way I did my job? What if you stopped.

Sometimes life is hard and we are thrown every painful thing we can imagine. All we want to do is curl up in a ball and forget the world exists. If we do that though we miss the big ending we miss the Endgame. We miss the point when we break all of the records. We miss the point where it doesn’t hurt so much. We miss all of the good things that came out of the bad. We miss the people and relationships we could have had.

I want to know what is your Endgame? What is the thing that you had to overcome to get the point where you are today? As weird as it seems I am grateful for the anxiety. I have become a stronger woman, more compassionate and loving, more willing to give others the support they need than if I hadn’t gone through it. This is my Endgame!

Annoying

I can get super annoying sometimes. (I am sticking with sometimes no matter what my kids may say!)

When I get excited about something I hyper-focus on that thing. So let’s say that I decided to make a mermaid blanket for my sister, you can read more about that here. I spend the week looking for patterns, the best type of yarn and any embellishments needed. It is pretty much the only thing that I think about until I have all of the items I need.

Most of the time this is not annoying to other people. The focus is on what I need to do. However, there are times when other people are involved in what I am hyper-focusing on. This week I started a class to become certified as a life coach. In the introductory email the teacher explained that she had set up a Google Docs file for each of us with items uploaded there. She also stated that more would be added this week.

That meant that I checked my email and Google Docs file whenever I saw my phone. I had to check if there was something new. I wanted to know what to study next, I wanted to know what to expect from the class. When new was posted up to Wednesday I couldn’t handle it anymore. I emailed the teacher to find out if I missed something.

This hyper focus can be good because it helps me to get things done. But it interrupts my day and my thoughts. I get anxious and my thoughts start spiraling in a downward direction.

I am working on learning to control this hyper focus. I put my phone away where I can’t see it. I redirect my thoughts. As soon as I start worrying about what new items may be posted I move my thoughts to the sunny day outside. I make myself wait 5 more minutes before I check my email. I remind myself that people have a life outside of what I want them to do. I give them grace to accomplish what they said they would.

I am just starting this new focus. (Since yes I did just email by teacher Wednesday to know where the class schedule was.) I notice that I am feeling calmer. We had class last night and the teacher said she would upload more material today. So far at 8:30am I have only checked my email once!

Baby steps but I am making change. What is one thing that you would like to do differently or accomplish? What is a baby step you could take today to begin? I would love to help you out! Post your baby step in the comments and I will cheer you on today.

Guided by the Spirit

A long, long time ago in galaxy far far away. OK sorry that story has already been told.

But some time ago I was asked how you can tell when it is the spirit or Holy Ghost warning you about something and when is it the anxiety just getting you spun up. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to tell the difference.

I want to preface this discussion with a disclaimer. The thoughts and beliefs that follow are mine alone. They do not reflect the beliefs for teachings of anyone else.

That being said I want to start with the scripture from 2 Timothy 1:7. This is a letter that Paul sent to Timothy. The spirit of the letter tells me that Paul knew Timothy well and wanted to uplift and help Timothy in his calling as an Apostle. In verse 7 Paul tells Timothy “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

This was not an easy time to be declaring the good news of the gospel. Paul was in prison and was telling Timothy in verse 8 that he would also be a “partaker of the afflictions of the gospel”. But Paul is telling Timothy to not be afraid. God has not given us the spirit of fear. Paul was letting Timothy know that there may be hard times coming but not to give in to the fear. I thought about this scripture often when I was going through the anxiety.

How does this scripture help me to know if it is the Holy Ghost warning me or the anxiety? By the way that I feel. When my thoughts start racing and my heart is beating like crazy and I feel like my entire life is hanging on this decision and if I don’t make the correct choice then my life will be destroyed; I know that the anxiety is speaking. Because God does not give me fear. He does not want me to feel this way. When the spirit is warning me of something I may feel lost or confused but my thoughts and feelings do not start running wild.

There is another way that I use to determine if it is the anxiety or the spirit. This scripture is in the Doctrine and Covenants. This is a book of revelations that I believe were given to Joseph Smith as he restored the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This revelation was given in response to Oliver Cowdery. He had tried to translate the Book of Mormon but was unable to do it. The Lord told Oliver in section 9 verse 8 “But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and it it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel it is right.”

Oliver had not done any work to be able to translate he just asked and expected to be able to receive the answer from God. When I am working to know if there is something I need to change or do differently. Usually when I am trying to decide if I have messed up and I need to apologize to someone (because I think way too much about the things I do and say and then I worry I said the wrong thing and I need to apologize) I make a list. I try to “study out” the situation for myself.

I write down what I did and all of the possible ways the other person may react. I then go through the list and cross out the craziest. You know the ones like they are making a voodoo doll to begin torturing me for being so horrible.

When I have all of the craziest responses marked out I am usually calm enough at that point to think clearly about the situation. I can then take the question to the Lord and ask Him if this is a situation that I need to change or work on. The end of the verse gives me the most important clue to knowing if it is the spirit or the anxiety talking to me.

The end of the verse says “if it is right I will cause your bosom to burn”. So to know if it is the spirit or the anxiety you have to know how the spirit talks to you. What do you feel when you have felt the spirit? How have you felt guided or led? For me I feel calm and peaceful. I often feel as though a blanket has been settled down through my mind calming the racing thoughts. It is at that point that I know that I am on the right track.

I don’t give in to the crazy thoughts of the anxiety as often but I listen to what God is trying to teach me. It has taken me some time to trust myself again. However, the work is worth it to have that guiding influence in my life.  How does the Spirit talk to you? How do you know when you are on the right track in your life?

Spatulas and Other Tools

I have a spatula that I really dislike. From this first picture you probably can’t tell why I don’t like this spatula so let me explain. It was used for something it wasn’t supposed to be. I believe I was using it to get empanadas out of the hot oil. As you can tell the head of the spatula is plastic. So when I used it in the hot oil it melted into a fatter head. (Yes me, I can’t blame this one on the boys.)

As you can tell from this picture it is also no longer smooth. So when you go to flip something like a pancake or eggs it doesn’t slide under like it is supposed to. I was cooking eggs Sunday and I reached into the drawer for a spatula. The first one I saw was this deformed spatula. I stood there looking at it for a minute thinking I really hate this spatula. Why do we keep it? Why do I use it?

And then do you know what I did? I used that spatula AGAIN. Why? Because I thought this time it will be different. This time I will be able to get the spatula under the eggs. This time I will be able to flip the eggs. But what happened is I tried to flip those eggs, the spatula wouldn’t go under the eggs and I had a big mess in the pan.

There are other tools in my life that are similar to this spatula. I keep using them even though I know that they won’t do any good for what I want. I keep using food to make myself feel better, to relax or celebrate. I have numbed my feelings for most of my life with food. Even though my blood sugar numbers are too high and overeating is no longer serving me I keep grabbing it.

Not telling people how I really feel is another tool I need to throw out of the drawer. I have always been terrified of people. My mom put me in Girl Scouts when I was little just to try to get me to talk to someone besides my sister. (But it was right at cookie selling time and neither of us wanted to do that!) I keep reaching for that tool when I should be telling people what I honestly think.

There are so many other tools that I need to throw out to make room for the ones that will actually help. Why do I keep reaching for things that no longer serve me? Because it is easy. Because I know how it will feel to eat or keep quiet. I don’t know how it will feel to put the candy bar back or to speak my mind and that is scary. So instead I pick the easy way out.

But no more. Starting today I am choosing the scary path. I bought a food journal to write down what I eat. Not to lose weight but so that I have to think about the food before I eat it. When I have to write it down and actually see what I am eating it makes it more real. There is also space to write down feelings. So instead of just going on autopilot I can write, then decide if I am actually hungry or just wanting to eat.

What is one tool that no longer works for you? What is one way you can stop using that tool? I would love to hear your ideas in the comments! I am going to keep the spatula to remind me that some tools just aren’t worth using any more.

When life is HARD.

The other day my youngest son had made some plans that he was fired up about but then they fell through at the last minute. I knew that he was sad about what happened but he was trying not to show it.

As we were driving home I asked him a few different questions to try and get him to tell me how he was feeling. (Sometimes getting an eleven year old boy to talk about his feelings is a challenge.) Finally, he said to me, “Mom are there times when you feel bad about something but you feel bad about feeling bad because other people have it so much harder?” Oh yes my son all. the. time.

I knew what he was feeling. He was feeling blessed because of the wonderful life he has but also feeling bad for the plans that had fallen through. I told him, “Other people having a harder time doesn’t make what you are feeling any less hard.” Life hurts no matter how wonderful of a life you have been blessed with.

There were so many times in the middle of the depression that I felt guilty because I had so much and yet felt so terrible. I thought about all of the moms around the world that couldn’t feed their children, I thought about the dads that couldn’t provide a safe home for their families. And you know what happened? I felt worse, the guilt was overwhelming. It took me a long time to learn the lesson that the suffering of others didn’t make my suffering any less. I still hurt and I still struggled no matter what others were experiencing.

We often talk about how we shouldn’t compare what others have to what we have because it takes away the gratitude for what we do have. I also think that we shouldn’t compare the bad things we go through with the bad that others have to go through. When we do this we don’t let ourselves feel the pain of our own struggle. When we don’t completely feel the pain of our own struggles we are less able to feel empathetic to others. When we don’t feel our own pain we can’t heal it. Just as we shouldn’t compare our good we shouldn’t compare our bad either.

Does that mean that we should build a house and live in our pain and disappointment? No, it is something to go through not a place to live. By feeling and going through my pain, I was able to learn and grow. I am now better able to reach out and help others. I am more able to feel others’ pain and help them carry that pain.

Take a minute and breathe. Remind yourself that what you are feeling and experiencing is not going to last forever. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel bad when things don’t work out the way you wanted, hoped, and prayed for. Remind yourself that it is OK to hurt even though other people have it so much worse than you. Remind yourself that you are loved and needed in this world.

When you have these reminders firmly in mind. Open your eyes and spread that peace and joy throughout your day and around your life. Your life, the good and the bad is yours to live, no one else.

Good Questions Change Everything

I have told myself, and anyone else that will listen, for years that I am bad with people. I tell myself that I would much rather be on my own. If I have the choice between staying home in PJs or going out to meet people you can bet I will stay home. I tell myself that I like it this way but there are times that I feel lonely. I miss having friends to call and text.

I know that most of the beliefs that I am not good with people came from the anxiety. I spent so long worried about what people thought of me it was just easier to pull away. There is still a part of my brain that starts questioning everything I say when I start a conversation. The anxiety tells me that I am a dork and I don’t know what to say. It tells me that I don’t know how to make small talk. With this chatter going on in my head it is no wonder that I have a hard time connecting with people.

The crazy thing is I love to help people! I get so revved up by helping people and seeing them grow and change.

Recently I took Heather Quisel’s Level Up Challenge. If you don’t follow Heather on social media you NEED to, I promise. Go follow her I will wait. Ok everyone back now? In this challenge we looked at the ways we hold ourselves back. One thing that she shared that has stuck with me is that our brain is a problem solving machine. We put a problem in front of it, it will do all it can to figure out that problem.

I keep putting the problem of not being good with people in front of my brain. Why aren’t I better with people? Why am I always saying dumb and embarrassing things? So my brain is always working to figure out those problems. It is working to find examples of why I am not good with people. So any interaction I have my brain analyzes later for examples of what I did wrong.

Heather taught us to ask better questions. Instead ask: how can I become more comfortable talking with people? How can I be more confident in myself? The difference in these questions is incredibly striking. Instead of focusing on negative parts of my personality I’m focusing on how to make good things better.

When I began to focus on the positive questions I felt better. I am not so negative and scared. Instead of being afraid of what may happen I feel energized to try new things. Instead of being afraid of small talk I get excited to try out new skills.

I challenge you to do this with the questions you put to your brain. How can you change your questions to get your brain working for you? What positive questions can you give your brain to begin working?

Will this matter in a year?

When the anxiety was out of control I worried about every little choice I made. I second guessed every interaction I had with people. I was so worried about doing or saying something that would offend someone. The worry could consume my mind for days. Often the only way that I could get rid of the worry was to apologize for whatever I thought I did wrong.

It got really exhausting to be apologizing to everyone all of the time. I learned from a class to take a longer view on my worries. I was taught to ask will this matter in a year? If not I was to let the worry go. Honestly, now that I look back there are only about 3 things that I did during this time that I can even remember now. And only one that I actually needed to apologize for.

The thought “will this matter in a year is powerful?”. It helps to put these huge worries that I had in perspective. It is so easy to allow the anxiety to run rampant and pick up steam and make everything that you are thinking seem so real and to feel like it is going to destroy your entire life. Stopping to think for a minute “Will this matter in a year?” gives you a chance to slow down those thoughts.

You are able to put them in the proper perspective. Yes in this moment it feels as if everything is going to fall apart. But giving yourself the time to slow down and honestly think about the situation will give you the space you need to decide what is true. Is it true that this choice is going to get you fired? Is it true that what you said is going to make the other person not like you? Do you really care if they don’t like you? Is it true that what you just said to your child is going to ruin them for life?

Being able to put it in the perspective of time helps you to see if what happened needs to be addressed or to be let go. I know that just letting go of thoughts is difficult. If you need more help letting go you can read another post I wrote about that here. I know that dealing with an anxiety attack is one of the scariest experiences. Being able to put those thoughts in a different perspective will make a difference.

Where do you want to be in a year? What do you want to be doing? What do you need to be doing now to get there? Focusing on those thoughts can help you to move out of the negative thoughts of the anxiety. You are worth doing the work to move out of the anxiety. You are worth the time and work it takes to conquer this demon. Please tell me, what is one goal that you have for the coming year?

Turn the Toy Chest Around

At church I am the Primary Secretary. That means that I try and keep the Primary, which is the children’s organization, in order. A few weeks ago one of the nursery leaders came to me with a problem. She has a toy cabinet in her room that doesn’t lock. Because of that she was having problems keeping the kids out of the cabinet when it wasn’t play time.

She was asking me for ideas to solve this problem. There is a lock on the cabinet but we had no idea where the key was. I started thinking about rekeying the lock. But then we would need to get an ok from a bunch of people. We would have to get a key to the other Wards, or congerations, that also use the building.

As I am thinking about all that would need done the President of the Primary walks up. The nursery leader explains the problem and the President says, “The cabinet is on wheels why don’t you just turn it around when play time is over?” What a great idea!

I have to admit that I felt a little foolish. I have been a nursery leader myself twice and this was such an easy fix! Then I started thinking about other areas of my life. How often do I make things harder than they really need to be?

I know I do it a lot. I use my What if? powers to think of everything bad that may happen. I’m not very organized and I spend more time than I like to admit looking for things I put in a “safe place”.

But I’m beginning to realize that I can and have changed. I’m working hard to give myself credit for what I have accomplished. I work hard towards my goals. And I am more honest about my feelings, hopes, and desires.

Finding the easy way isn’t cheating. It is a smart way to accomplish your goals. What is one way you can find an easier way to your goals?

Prayer has changed me

One thing that anxiety has brought me that I am most grateful for, is better prayers. I love to listen and feel when people truly pray. I love the spirit and peace that is brought into a room and a heart when a person shares their faith through prayer.

Honestly, I have never been good at prayer. I have had a hard time quieting my mind enough to feel a connection to God when I pray. I often feel that I repeat the same thing all of the time or that I am just repeating a long list of things I want. It feels like I am just writing a letter to Santa.

To combat the anxiety I have learned how to quiet my mind, how to slow down my thoughts, and to really think about what I am doing in the moment. Meditation has helped in doing this. I have also learned to change my prayers.

The other night I found myself praying over and over again: please just fix this, please just fix it, please just take this away. This has been a common prayer in my life. I sob and beg for the Lord to just change me and take all of the anxiety and depression away. When I start to go down into the spiral I just want it gone. As I knelt there my thoughts and prayers changed.

I remembered that I am an adult and I can choose the way I act. I also know that the depression and anxiety will probably never completely go away. So I started to change my prayer. I asked to be made stronger, to be able to handle the down days. I asked to know what else I need to learn from the anxiety and depression. I asked to know what is the next thing I need to do to overcome the anxiety.

Although, I didn’t magically change, answers didn’t start dropping from heaven, my attitude changed. Instead of just praying to be changed in an instant I was reminded that this life is a marathon not a sprint. When I choose to partner with the Lord in changing my life the change I was begging for begins. As I changed my prayer from begging to listening I was able to open my heart to communication from God.

Nothing in my life will change until I make a change. I may still have some of the begging prayers. But instead of feeling forgotten by God I remember that He wants to work with me. Healing will come. As we work together toward that healing I am learning and changing more than if the Lord just took away the anxiety. Although I don’t love having anxiety I am grateful that it has led me to a better relationship with my Father.

When to reach out?

Do you ever get overwhelmed with the pain and sorrow in this world? Do you struggle to know how to help family and friends when they are going through difficult times? Does it ever feel like too much? Yes, yes and yes!

I know there are times that feel too much for me. I worry that I won’t be able to offer support or that I by trying to help I will push myself too far. But I am coming to realize that I am stronger than I think and that any small thing that I can do helps relieve pain and sadness.

I worry that when I reach out to help I will say or do the wrong thing and make it worse. I remember reading a story about a woman that felt inadequate to help a friend that was going through a loss. The woman went to the friend’s house to visit but ended up crying with her. When the woman left she felt horrible. She felt like she had made the friend feel worse.

Soon after this she heard from the friend’s daughter that the woman’s visit meant the most to the friend because she was willing to feel the pain, to sit in the friend’s pain. So what can we do when we feel inadequate?

First, know that not saying anything can cause more hurt than trying. Oftentimes when people are going through a difficult time they just want someone to acknowledge that pain. A friend to share the burden can make all the difference.

Second, know that reaching out is about so much more than you. The anxiety made life all about me. As I have been able to grow stronger I have come to realize that people barely think about me. They are focused on and worried about their own problems. Knowing that people are not hyper-focused on my flaws has helped me to be able to reach out more often to others.

Finally, knowing that this life is better lived with others has helped me to reach out. When I get too focused on my own life I get lonely, it gets boring. When I am willing to reach out and make connections not only am I helping others but it also helps me.

I know we can’t solve all of the world’s problems but we can solve some of them. Just by being kind and loving to the people we come in contact with. By reaching out to those people in our lives that are hurting or struggling we can change our corner of the world.