Category: anxiety

Love yourself through it

I saw this post yesterday on Instagram from The Brave Box; which is an eating disorder recovery page I follow. Even if you don’t have an eating disorder I highly recommend following this page. She encourages everyone to accept yourself right where you are now.

This hit me because as I have written about before summer can be a stressful time for me. Everyday I have been cycling between being fine then bam! a panic attack. Every time one hits I chastise myself because I should be beyond them. I shouldn’t have panic attacks anymore because I have come so far. I know so many tools I should be able to stop them before they even start. I should be able to stop them altogether.

Then I saw this quote yesterday, “You can never truly feel at home in a body that you view as temporary.” I view this anxiety thing as temporary as something that I should overcome. What if instead I changed my thought to: this anxiety is part of me and it will always be here? Just typing that out lets me take a deep breathe.

Changing the thought that it is part of me and not something that I need to keep fighting against gives me peace. Does that mean that I am just going to let the anxiety take over? No, I am going to continue to find ways to stop panic attacks. But I am no longer going to look at them as a fault, as something bad about me that I have to fix.

I am going to quit beating myself up because I still have panic attacks. Stress is a part of everyone’s life, unfortunately, my stress comes out as a panic attack. From now on I am going to acknowledge that I am stressed, work to deal with the stress and love myself through the panic attack.

Love myself through the panic attack.

I want that to be a line by itself because it is life changing for me. Every time a panic attack has started I go into fight mode. I try to figure out what is causing it and how to fix it. I try to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can fix it and stop all panic attacks. Instead now I am going to love myself, I am going to love the part of me that is afraid instead of pushing it away.

I think that I will get much further with loving all sides of me than I have with trying to “fix” a part of me. Where can you let down some barriers and love yourself more? What changes will happen in your life as you love all parts of yourself? As Glennon Doyle always says, “Love Wins”. We each deserve love spread it around your life liberally!

Not Knowing

“You have to learn to live with the not knowing,” from movie The Finest Hours.  

I wasn’t too excited about watching this movie when it was in the theater but it was the only movie that the boys were semi interested in watching so we went. I was wrong about this movie though, it is incredible!

I was so amazed by the story and everything that the people went through.  But one thing that really hit me is when one of the characters said to the other, “You have to learn to live with the not knowing.” When I first heard this quote I thought of life as a police wife.  As a police wife you have to learn to be ok with late nights, no return phone calls and never knowing for sure what time your husband will be home.

It has taken me  a long time, many tears and planning my husband’s funeral in my head more times than I like to admit, to be ok with not knowing.  I never want to lose my husband but I have come to accept the not knowing of our future in relation to the police world.

As I continued to think about this quote I realized that it referred to much more than just being a police wife.  In all aspects of life we have to learn to live with not knowing. We have to be ok with not knowing if our sick friend is going to be ok.  We have to learn to live with not knowing how things are going to turn out for our kids. We have to learn to live with not being able to control every little thing that may happen.

And more than learn to live with not knowing we need to learn to thrive.  The majority of my anxiety stemmed from not knowing what my future held and trying to make sure I ALWAYS made the correct choice. I thought that if I made the perfect choice I would be saved from fear, sorrow or sadness.  I was definitely not learning to live with the unknown. I wasn’t happy and my family was stressed.

I have come to realize that life is the unknown.  That is the point! How boring would it be if we knew how everything was going to turn out?  What would we have to learn if we knew what choice would bring us all the fame and fortune we ever wanted? How could we grow and develop if life were laid out for us? How would we ever develop faith in God if we didn’t have to rely on Him?

Learn to accept the unknown.  Learn to be excited about the future no matter what it may hold. I know it isn’t easy.  It has taken me a really long time to figure out small ways to learn to be ok with the unknown.  But I know it can be done. Keep reaching for the peace that is inside. The peace that God wants to give. Keep learning how to trust yourself and believe that you really are strong enough for your life. 

Life is so much more enjoyable and peaceful when I’m not trying to control everything. Anxiety tried to teach me that I had to do everything right; that being perfect was the only way to have friends. But what anxiety really taught me was that it is ok to not be perfect that I won’t always be able to control life. And that made all the difference.

Shame, shame, shame

I asked my 12 year old son the other day what I should write about. He said, “Tell people that it is ok to get help. There isn’t any shame in getting help if you have anxiety.” Out of the mouth of babes. (well Tweens)

It is so true. We put so much pressure on ourselves to just be ok. To not ask for help and to do everything perfectly. We feel shame because we suffer from a mental disorder. When we didn’t ask for it or create it. Why is there shame in having a mental disorder but not a physical disorder?  We need to remember that mental disorders are biological not something we choose or caused.

That is why I started this blog, to help fight against the stigma surrounding mental health. To show that you can live an incredible, awesome life even with anxiety and depression. To talk about taking medication and going to therapy and just plain talking about mental health.

I have felt like I have been looked down on because I take medication. Because I wasn’t able to just pull myself up. It bothered me for a little while but then I reminded myself that they don’t live my life. They don’t know what it was like when I wasn’t on medication. They don’t know what my family life was like back then versus how it is now. They don’t know how grateful I am that most of the time I function just like everyone else.

I don’t want to go back to those days where I barely functioned so I take medication. I don’t want to go back to those dark days so when I feel myself falling back down there I go to a counselor. I find ways to deal constructively with the thoughts in my head.

I have also been taking a class to get certified as a life coach. To be honest I wish I had found a coach when I was going through the worst of the anxiety. The tools and ideas I have been learning are life changing. I am so excited to be able to help other people get out of the downward spiral even faster.

As my son said, “it is ok to get help there isn’t any shame in having a mental disorder.” Please just take care of yourself.

Summer Panic Attacks

Panic attacks in the summer surprise me. The majority of the time I don’t have many panic attacks anymore but having them during the summer throws me for a loop. I think it is because I feel that it is summer time so I should be relaxed and ready for anything.

The truth is though that I really like having a routine. I like to have some time in the mornings after the kids have gone to school to put myself together. I like to know where everyone is and what their plan is for the day. This is much simpler to do when all of the kids are in school.

Then I add in that more people will be in the library – which is good – but not the norm for me. I will be taking more time off because it is summer time and vacations – yay! But that throws off my routine. I know, I sound like I want to have the same day over and over again.

Although that does sound enticing I don’t really want it to be the same all the time. I like that I get to interact with more people at work. I like that my boys are home more and I get to hang out with them. I like that we get to see family more and get to know them better.

I just have to remind myself that change makes me uncomfortable. And when I am uncomfortable my body reacts with a panic attack. The most frustrating thing about these panic attacks is that I can’t trace them to a thought. Being able to find the thought that caused the panic is one of the fastest ways for me to end a panic attack. But when life is changing and I just feel uncomfortable I can’t find the one thought that started the panic.

So what do I do? I ride it out. I remind myself that it is common for me to fill uneasy during change. I know that I will settle into a new routine and everything will be fine. I just have to ride out the uncomfortable parts. I remind myself that the more I fight against the panic the worse it gets.

Give me two weeks and all of this change will be behind me and I will wonder what the big deal was. But for now I am going to fill anxious. Excuse me while I go finish this panic attack.

Worry time


I have been thinking about different tools I used to deal with anxiety. One of my favorites is called worry time. The idea is that you have a designated time each day that you set aside for worry. If something comes up that causes you to worry you aren’t allowed to think about it right then. You save that worry for your designated worry time.
I love using this technique because of how effective it is. Whenever I would start down the anxiety spiral I would remind myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. So I would write down my worry and save it for later.
I would usually set my worry time for evening after the kids were in bed. By then I would be so tired that I wouldn’t want to deal with it. So I would throw away my notes for the day and start clean for the next day.
The trick to making this technique work is distraction. You have to be able to distract yourself from focusing on that worry until your worry time. I would usually do this by reminding myself that it wasn’t my time to worry. Because it was usually at work when I would need to distract myself I would focus on something else that needed done.
This distraction technique works wherever you are. You just need to find something else to think about. I would use anything I could; the kid’s schedule, a new book to read, a craft I was working on or one I wanted to start. I just needed anything to distract myself.
Then once your worry time comes you sit and think about everything that is on your list. But you are only allowed to think about it until your worry time is over. You can set your worry time for as long as you like but 10-15 minutes is ideal. Anything longer than this gives you too much time to focus on your worries.
Worry time is one more tool that you can add to your toolbox for fighting anxiety. I would love to hear how this helps you. Please message me or comment below how worry time works for you.

Panic attack at work?!?

I have had more than my fair share of panic attacks at work in my life (although to be honest, I am not sure how many panic attacks is a fair share). It has been an interesting and frustrating experience. I hate showing weakness at work. I feel like I have to be able to handle everything that may come my way. However, there have been days that is just not possible.

So what do I do when I have a panic attack at work? First, deep breathing. Part of the program I found from the Midwest Center for Depression and Anxiety included a recording on meditation. Each day we were supposed to listen to this recording and practice relaxation. The idea being that when an anxiety attack came we could go back to the teachings and relax in the moment of anxiety.

This took me a long time to be able to do. Because I was so entrenched in the anxiety loop it took time to re-train my brain. It is important to remember that change is not instant. I would get frustrated because I wasn’t making the changes I wanted as quickly as I thought I should. I had to remind myself that it took a long time to get this stuck in the anxiety. I had to let myself have the time to climb back out.

Second, I was lucky enough to have someone to call or text no matter what. My husband always answered his phone when I was in the worst of the anxiety.  I didn’t realize until later that maybe he was a little busy at his work. Now I am not advocating long phone conversations on your employer’s dime. That is not good employee behavior.

However, to ward off an anxiety attack there is nothing wrong with taking a quick break and talking or texting a friend. Oftentimes just by doing something to break the cycle of the anxiety I would calm enough to get back to work.

I was lucky enough to have great bosses during this time. I was able to go to them when I need support about something I felt I had done wrong at work.  I know that not everyone is that lucky. You can look for someone at work that can help  support you. Some that you can just say hey today is a rough day and they know what you are talking about. I know that it is hard to make connections when you are struggling. But having those connections is key to handling the anxiety well.

Finally, I would write myself notes. Writing down what I was worrying about would help me break the anxiety cycle. When I would see what I was so worried about in black and white it would help me see that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I often carry a notebook with me just so I can write down worries.

Having a career while dealing with anxiety is difficult but it isn’t impossible. Each day all you have to do is put one foot in front of another. I would love to hear what tips and tools you have used to deal with anxiety at work. Please leave your ideas in the comments.

The problem is not the problem

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is how you THINK about the problem.”

I remember hearing this quote years ago, probably from my mom ’cause she is smart like that, and I hated it! I probably yelled at her no the problem is I have a problem!

But the truth is how we think about a problem makes all the difference. The last few weeks I have been dealing with sprinkler issues at work. I thought I had the sprinklers on but the water wasn’t turned on. Then I finally got someone out to turn the sprinklers on and he said that all of the valves were open but we weren’t getting water from the city line. I called the city to see if they would come and help and they said that we were getting water in the building so it isn’t a problem they control.

At this point I was done with the whole thing and in tears. I didn’t have a clue what to do or who to ask. I just knew that I was failing at my job, the lawn was going to die and the members of the library board were going to fire me. (Because that is always where my brain goes when I get upset.)

What I was focusing on was not really the problem. Our sprinklers needed water but I was too busy freaking out that I was going to get fired to really focus on how to fix the sprinkler problem.

I got some help and got the city there the next day to show us how to get water to the sprinklers. We had water and a couple of the sprinkler zones turned on while they where there. Only they didn’t turn off until I got there a few hours later and figured out how to turn them off. I thought I knew how to set all the zones and get them working but I couldn’t figure it out.

This time though instead of getting upset and focusing on what doesn’t matter I stayed focused on how to solve the problem. I called my husband and he came out to get everything working correctly.

The only difference between the two days was where I choose to focus my energies. Was I going to figure out how to solve the problem or let my thinking on the problem overwhelm me and not figure anything out?

As much as I hated the saying when I was a kid I try to stay focused on it now: the problem is not the problem. The problem is how you think about the problem. Is there a problem you have been looking at the wrong way? What can you do to change your thoughts and focus on the problem?

 

Quails are stupid!

My in-laws live down a dirt road. Their house and road are surrounded by farm land so there are lots of animals and birds around. This last Sunday as we were leaving there was a quail running in front of us as we drove down the road. This happens all the time during the spring and summer. I have watched these birds for years run as fast as they can down the road in front of the car. As they are running all I can think is, “You can fly you know. You will be out of harms way quickly if you just take off.” Finally as a last resort as the car is coming on their tail feathers they fly off.

On Sunday as we were driving I mentioned again, (because I say it all the time) “Quails are stupid! Why don’t they just fly away? Don’t they know they could be free and safe so quickly?” My husband then said, “You know they are a lot like people. How often do we just run in front of problems or stress when we could fly away?”

I sat there for a minute then said, “Thanks honey, you just wrote another blog post for me.” It is true. We can fly! Each one of us has so much going for us. We have talents and experiences that have prepared us for where we are today. We have the help of a Heavenly Father that loves us and wants us to succeed.

So why do we spend so much of our time running in front of stress and problems instead of flying away? Because of fear. We know what life is like in the middle of the problem but change is scary. We could fly away from the problem by making a different choice but it is scary to think about where that may lead us. Are we ready to make that change? What will other people think of us if we start that business? What will happen if we stop doing all of the favors for everyone?

I understand the fear. I have lived with the fear of change most of my life. But the fear of not changing is now becoming stronger. The fear of never working for my goals is becoming stronger. I am getting close to mid-life now. I have lived long enough to start looking back on my life while I still have time to change. The thought of not going after my goals because of fear is sad. I don’t want fear to be the story of my life.

So I am choosing to change. I am choosing to work on myself to overcome the fear that has kept me captive. I am trying new things. I am taking steps to achieve goals that I have always put off to someday. I have decided that I can fly to my goals and the kind of life I imagine.

I know that I can fly. I am stretching out my wings and it feels good!

Life isn’t Fair

I am taking a class to become nationally certified as a life coach. Which by the way, I do need a couple of people to practice on. If you are interested please message me or comment below!

As part of the class we work with a life coach that has gone through the program. We were given a list of potential coaches and asked to list our first and second choices. The teacher did caution us to pay attention to how many times a coach was chosen. They can only take on so many students, so if they have been listed a few times already to choose another coach.

I got my choices in right away so I thought for sure I would get the coach I listed first. I was the first and only one other person choose her. I forgot that this teacher is teaching at least 2 other sections of this course and these coaches were listed for all of the classes.

Last week I found out that I did not get my first choice, although someone else in the class got her. I was upset because I felt like I should have been given priority since I got my picks in first. As I tried to concentrate in class I kept thinking. What should I do? Should I say something to the teacher? This just isn’t fair!

Then I went back to one of the most important lessons I learned from the anxiety: Life isn’t fair. No matter how perfect I act some people aren’t going to like me. No matter how hard I try not everything I do will turn out. No matter how fast I am sometimes I won’t get my first choice for coaches.

I tell my kids all the time: life isn’t fair. This lesson is one of the major things that helped me to overcome the anxiety. I was so worried about doing everything perfectly so everyone would like me. When I finally learned that life isn’t fair it changed my outlook. It helped me to realize that I couldn’t be perfect enough to make everyone like me.

Life isn’t fair and the more I remember that the less I try to make it fair. The less I have to worry and try to think about ways to make it fair. When I remember that life isn’t fair I can go forward making the life I do have the best I can. What have you been trying to make fair that you need to let go?

Scary Mommy

When the boys were younger I was not the best mom. Because of the anxiety I was constantly on edge. Ironically, I was trying to be the perfect mom, well the perfect everything, and this made me extremely stressed. Which means I would overreact to small annoyances.

Jamison was a toddler probably about 3 years old and we were having General Conference. This is a conference that happens twice a year in our Church. Because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a worldwide church the conference is broadcast on TV.

I was so ready for the conference. I was ready to the feel the Spirit, be encouraged and given direction in my life. At the time my husband was on patrol and was working. I had set the boys up with some snacks and helped them make a fort in the living room so they could watch from a fun tent. I know I had unrealistic expectations there are two sessions of the conference on Saturday and Sunday and each one is 2 hours long but I just wanted them to sit and listen.

Now remember I have 3 boys ages 3, 6, and 8. They didn’t sit still for two hours if they weren’t drugged. I don’t remember what happened or what they were doing but I got upset and grabbed Jamison. I took him into their bedroom and tossed him onto the bed saying through gritted teeth, “I just want to feel the Spirit!” Now this is not the best way to bring the Spirit into your life. I distinctly remember standing over the bed and looking down at his little face. This was not a proud mom moment.

I tell you this story because of an experience that just happened on Sunday. This conference fiasco is something we have talked about and it is something we joke about now. I want to be honest about what life was like then and I don’t want the boys to be worried about talking about that time. It is also a nice way to let me know I am getting to scary mom territory.

Sunday on the way home from church I mentioned how I was able to straighten out a mistake one leader made. She is usually on top of everything so I was feeling a little proud. (Again not the best reaction.) The boys started joking asking if I had tossed her across the room. I laughed it off. Then when my hubby and I were getting changed he jokingly asked if I had told this leader, “Haha I fixed this and you did it wrong, I’m better than you.” I know he was just teasing me, but this time I didn’t let it roll off my back.

I said, “You guys make me sound like a horrible person.” And then I started to feel sorry for myself. I started to let myself go down the rabbit hole of not doing things perfectly and not being perfect. Before I made it very far down this hole I thought wait a minute, do I really want to feel like this?

Do I want to get upset and ruin the rest of our day? Do I want everyone in the house to have to walk on eggshells around me? The answer to all of these questions was no. I wanted to have a relaxing day with my family without my drama of being overly sensitive.

So I stopped, I changed my thought. I told myself that everyone was teasing and that they don’t think I am horrible. I know they all love me and just wanted to have fun with me.

I know it sounds simple; just change your thought. But it really is that simple. If you don’t like the reaction you’re having, change the thoughts you are telling yourself. If you don’t like feeling like a loser because you aren’t perfect. Quit telling yourself you have to be perfect. If you don’t want to feel anxious because you made a mistake. Tell yourself that mistakes are ways to learn.

It may be simple but it isn’t easy. It takes practice. It is a skill that I practice every day. Some days I am more successful than others. But I keep trying. The good thing was I was able to get out of that rabbit hole quickly. I didn’t let myself get comfy down there.

Do you have thoughts you would like to change? Try this skill. What is the thought that you would like to change? How can you rewrite it in your brain to not be negative? How can you change the thought so you get the reaction that you want? I would love to hear your ideas. Please share your thoughts with me in the comments. And if you want help rewriting your thoughts I would love to help out! Leave me a comment or message me on Facebook.