Category: anxiety

Mind Reading Part 2

Last week I started a new series about thinking errors with mind reading. If you didn’t see that post you can read it here. We can cause ourselves no end of anxiety when we think we know what other people are thinking. Well mind reading can also cause problems when we think other people should know what we are thinking. (lots of thinking in that paragraph!)

I have had times where I am in the middle of a panic attack and I think it is written all over my face. My head feels like it is about to explode so of course everyone can tell. Surely they can see that I am just about to lose my mind. But guess what they can’t!

Just like I can’t tell what other people are thinking they can’t tell what is going on inside of me just by looking. They can’t tell that I am just about to explode so don’t give me one more thing. Do you know what that means?

That means we have to tell people when we are having a hard time. That means that we have to ask for help. That means that when we are just about to lose our minds we need to talk. I know that reaching out can be the scariest part when you are struggling. But there are people that will listen with love.

We can reach out to our friends and family. People that we know will listen and respond in a kind way. The loved ones that will support us and help as we figure out the next step. You can even reach out to strangers on the internet. I am here whenever you may need help.

But just like everyone else I can’t read minds. So please be brave and say you need help!

 

Mind Reading

The way we think directly effects the way we feel and the things we work towards in our lives. I have learned so much going through anxiety but also becoming certified as a life coach. One of the things I have learned is the different thinking traps that we can fall into.

Because these thoughts are common, so common we sometimes don’t even know we are trapped I decided to do a series on them. I want to help you see the traps so that you can avoid them.

The first one to discuss is mind reading. Mind reading is where you assume what someone else is thinking. I do this All. The. Time. Especially with my husband. I assume that he is mad at me because he is quiet. I assume that he is upset with something I did because he spent lots of time upstairs after work.

I got caught in this trap Tuesday. I was feeling a little off and I felt like my hubby was upset with me. I had no idea why he might be angry but I was going down that road. As I started to work out why I was feeling this way he sent me a text thanking me for being a good wife.

I laughed out loud when I got the text because of where my mind had been going. I assumed I knew what he felt. And I was going through my mind trying to find evidence to prove that he was mad at me.

How can we avoid this trap? We have to ask or we have to be patient enough to wait for the other person to say something. Mind reading is probably the biggest trap I fall into. I remember my counselor asking me how I knew someone was mad at me. When I had to admit that I didn’t know he would remind me that the only way I can know someone’s feelings or thoughts is to ask them.

I know that it can be annoying to ask all the time are you mad at me. But that is the only way you can know the truth. When you start to realize that everyone doesn’t hate you it is easier to start fighting against that trap without having to ask all of the time.

I mentioned that before I got the text from my husband I was starting to work through why I thought he may be upset with me. I write out my feelings when I am lost so I had started a diagram as to why he could be upset. This helps me to see what I am thinking and also to see if there is any truth to what I am thinking.

Not one of us can read the minds of others. And for that I am grateful! Don’t be afraid to ask what someone else may be thinking. It is worth it to not be stuck in a panic attack.

Getting My Brain Moving

I get stuck inside my brain. It is worse in the mornings. As soon as I wake up the anxiety is telling me it is going to be a horrible day. Then I start telling myself that I just want to stay in bed and not deal with all of the stuff. I pull the covers over my head like a kid trying to fend off the morning. It hasn’t worked yet the mornings keep coming.

I decided that I didn’t like fighting the mornings so I began looking for ways to make my mornings better. I don’t think that I will ever be a happy morning person but I have come up with some ways to get my brain moving and unstuck from the life is horrible routine. I don’t do all of these every day but I have used all of them to help myself. I hope that you can find something here that will help you.

I try and exercise every morning. And yes it is incredibly hard to get out of bed when I am already grumpy to go do something else hard. But when I do I get the endorphins and all the other good feeling hormones moving through my body. I am able to have some time by myself before I need to start waking up kids. I feel like I am ahead of the game because I already got something done.

I eat something with protein. I love food but if I don’t have some protein I am setting myself up for more problems later in the day. Also I know that I get hangry so I try to eat regularly throughout the day.

If I am feeling especially off and I can’t figure out what is wrong I start writing. I don’t think about grammar or about making it make sense. I just write until I can get all of the feelings out of my head or get down to the root of why I am feeling off.

Along with writing I make lists. Often when I start to feel overwhelmed and anxious it is because I feel like life is out of control. Making lists helps me to feel more in control, I can see what it is I need to get done. It is true that I may either lose the list or never look at it again but all of that stuff is out of my brain and I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I play the grateful game.  Sometimes in the morning I feel guilty because I have so much yet I am unhappy. Instead of letting that guilt fester I start naming the things I am grateful for. This helps me to combat the anxiety and the guilt at the same time.

Finally, I try and be compassionate with myself. I have a hard time in the mornings, that is a fact. So I take care of myself, I work to find things that help me make mornings easier. I give myself grace when I have a hard morning. I quit judging how good of a person I am by how much I have gotten done. I let myself have a hard morning.

Wear it or Wipe it off?

Last Sunday for church we had what is called Stake Conference. That means that all the wards or congregations in one area meet together. We have talks from the leaders of the Stake but also the members.

There was an older gentleman who spoke and told the following story. He grew up on a farm in Eastern Idaho, his parents were sharecroppers so they all had work to do on the farm. Each morning him and his dad would get up early to milk the cows. This story takes place in the winter and he explained that the end of the cows tail would get full of “stuff”. That is all he said to explain about the cow’s tail. However, the cows tail was full of frozen cow poop, pee, mud, and whatever other gross stuff picked up around the farm.

As he sat down to milk this cow, for whatever reason, the cow slapped him in the face with it’s tail. The gentleman was mad and called for his dad. He expected his dad to be as upset as him and say that they would get rid of the cow. His dad, though, just looked at him for a minute and then said, “Well are you going to wipe it off or are you going to wear it?”

He wiped off the muck and started his milking. He said that he had thought about what his dad said for the rest of his life. Life sometimes hits us upside the head with muck and when it does we have a choice. Are we going to sit there and wear the muck or are we going to wipe it off?

I thought about this in relation to my own life. I know there have been too many times where I wore the muck for way too long. I was mad and I wanted everyone to know that life wasn’t fair for me. Then there have been times where I decided to just wipe it off and go on.  Both choices require work – the decision we have to make is where do we want to expend our efforts.

Do I want to spend the limited time and energy I have being mad? Or do I want to spend the energy wiping off the bad things and moving on?

Why a Life Coach?

As I posted yesterday on Facebook and Instagram I have started a business as a life coach. I am so excited that I am finally official. Life coaching is something that people hear about but may not know what it is. This is my story about why I choose life coaching.

When I was in college my plan was to become a counselor. I love helping people and I love to figure out why. Why things go the way they do, why people do the things they do that kind of thing. I got married shortly before I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology.

I decided to take some time off before I got my Master’s Degree and life happened. Babies and home construction and work and deaths and anxiety and depression and life happened. I then realized that I had enough of my own “stuff” in my head and I really didn’t want other people’s. The idea of being a counselor really wasn’t as appealing to me as it was before.

I was happy with my job and family so I decided that was good for me and I would focus on those. Then I heard about this thing called a life coach. At first it just sounded like a silly thing for rich kids that couldn’t get their lives together. Then I started to learn more and truthfully I wish I had know about life coaches when I went through the worst of my anxiety.

The reason I wish I had know about life coaching before is because coaches look to the future. Life coaches don’t delve into the why like counselors. Life coaching is all about moving forward. We might talk a little bit about the why and how you got in a situation but it is mostly about how to move forward with your goals. Coaches help you find the tools and answers that suit your life and circumstances.

Just talking about coaching gets me hyped up! I love to see the change that comes over a person as they learn and progress. I will continue to share my story with anxiety and depression here and I will be adding in helps that I have learned through coaching. If you feel you are ready for a change I know that I can help. Keep checking back here for helps. If you would like to work with me please message me or comment below I would love to chat with you about how I can help.

Falling Down the Stairs

This morning I got up early to go for a run. It was still dark outside but windows were open because it was actually cool outside! So there was some light from the streetlight coming in the window. As I turned to go down the stairs it was hard to see where the first step was.

The way the light was shining I couldn’t really tell where the first step was. For just a fraction of a second I froze because I was afraid. I was scared to take that first step because I wasn’t sure where the step was. I quickly caught myself and remembered I had my phone in my hand. I turned the lock screen on to light my way.

As I was running I was thinking about this experience. I was thought how often we can get scared because we don’t know the first step to take. It might be unclear or scary because we have never been this way. I know that I have done this before. I have chosen to hold back rather than get hurt – physically or emotionally.

But after that first step it isn’t so scary. It might still be hard or dark or uncertain but the momentum is going and the fear is not so overwhelming. I asked myself if I wanted to spend my life at the top of the staircase being frozen by fear. No my answer is no I don’t want to stand there wondering what might have been.

I know I have spent more time than I want to admit at the top of those stairs. But not anymore. From now I on I am going to push forward. I am going to take that first step even when it feels scary. Especially when it feels scary because those are usually the best steps to take.

What is one first step you have been putting off that you are ready to take? I would love to cheer you are in your first steps!

Relationships

I had a post all set to go live yesterday but it disappeared into the ether-net. I guess it wasn’t what I was supposed to be sharing!

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are all asked to help and serve in different capacities. Recently I was asked to lead the young women ages 12-18 in our ward. I love working with the young women and the other adult leaders. My problem comes in the relationships.

I am coming to admit to myself that I am an introvert. Being around people tires me out. Part of this is because I have trained myself that I have to be bubbly and happy if I am around other people. So I get extra tired because I am not being myself. Then I get frustrated with other people because I don’t feel like they are trying as hard as me. That is when I usually say something rude.

The other issue is the anxiety. I am constantly analyzing the things that I say. Did this come out right? I shouldn’t have said that. They don’t know me very well how will they take this? I am on high alert but I am not really in the conversation. My mind is whirling so fast I don’t really pay attention.

Afterwords I often have to go to my husband to find out if what I said was ok. I dissect everything to find out if I need to apologize for what I said. If he isn’t available I try to go through it in my own head but to get peace I usually just apologize to get rid of the circling anxiety.

I know it would be easier if I didn’t try, if I just stayed home. And honestly I have dreamt of that kind of life. But then I am brought back to the reality of this life. I am here to learn and grow. If I stayed home all of the time, like I want, then I wouldn’t grow at all. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to talk myself out of a panic attack. I wouldn’t have the chance to convince myself I didn’t completely offend that person.

Relationships are hard normally but when you mix in anxiety the difficulty rises. I am learning how to navigate the difficulty. I am learning that even when the negativity in my head says I’m not worth it there are people that believe that I am. I am learning that I don’t need to be hyper vigilant in conversations, I can be me. I am learning that I can have friends even when I say something rude.

Comfort Zone

Lack of belief is a convenient excuse for not undertaking new projects. New tasks can be very frightening, but they are good for us, too. They force us out of our current comfort zones.

Elaine L. Jack

I am scared of most things in life. I can’t even look at a picture of someone standing at the top of a mountain without my palms starting to sweat. I get nervous meeting new people. I am never sure what to say, but I do know that whatever I say will be wrong.

I know, however, that getting out of my comfort zone and trying is the best way to deal with my fears. I ran a rut down the middle of my brain that taught me that anything new or out of the ordinary is scary. I have spent a few years re-teaching my brain to not be so afraid.

I go to the top of mountains, I don’t get close to the edge. I meet new people and let them decide what they think of me. I have new dreams that will take stepping farther out of my comfort zone to achieve. Want to know a funny thing about your comfort zone? It moves with you.

The more you do something that scares you the less scary it becomes. Soon you have no idea why you were ever scared. Then you take another step out of your comfort zone because you realized that you like how it feels to try new things. Keep stretching and trying you will be amazed at what you will accomplish.

Stutters and Anxiety

When my oldest was little he had a stutter. It wasn’t bad but we were able to get a speech pathologist through school. He worked with her for a few years practicing how to slow down his speech and think about what he wanted to say before he tried to say it. Most of the time you can’t tell now that he ever had a stutter.

One thing the speech pathologist said that I have never been able to forget is that they could cure his stutter but to do that they would have to make him deaf. The reason is that a stutter is an issue with what people hear not with how they talk. I still don’t understand why that is but I can’t get it out of my head.

How many times do we want things to change but for the change to happen something worse must happen first. For years I have wanted the anxiety to go away completely. I want to be like everyone else that can go about their days without any worry. I have to come realize though for that to happen I would probably need a lobotomy.

I think a lobotomy is way worse than dealing with the anxiety. I have worked hard to get where I am today. If I had been handed a “cure” I probably would have taken it but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That is the other thing about going through hard things: we get to learn and develop. And if we choose to we can become better.

I have become kinder to others that are struggling. I am more patient with myself. My testimony and understanding of Christ’s Atonement has become stronger.

Whatever you may be struggling with right now I hope that you know that you can handle it. It is going to be hard and it is going to hurt. But you are tough and you will come out of it even stronger.

My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and a grace that saved my life. Word Porn

I Can’t

I am not perfect.

I can’t make anyone happy or make them love me.

I can’t control what others think of me.

I am human, I make mistakes.

I get overwhelmed sometimes.

I want to shut down and be a hermit.

I want to reach out and help others.

I want to support others so they don’t have to hurt.

It is Monday morning as I sit here writing and thinking. We have just returned from an awesome weekend running Ragnar so I am physically tired. I am looking at the week ahead and the things I need to accomplish and I am feeling emotionally tired.

That list I started with is everything that I am feeling right now. The things I know to be true and yet I still try to accomplish. I know that I can’t make other people love me or even like me but there is still a part of me that wants to try. I know that people love me for who I am but I still try to change myself to what I think they want.

I love people and I want to help and support them. But sometimes I feel so tired from being around people that I just need a break. I know that I can’t do everything that I can’t be perfect right now but that doesn’t keep me from judging myself for being human.

So what do I do with all of this? I write. I write down all of the contradictory feelings, I write out all of my feelings, I write until I see that I am heading down the anxiety road again. I keep writing until I start to feel calmer and I can see that all of the stress is just my reaction to life. And then I remember that I have control over all of my reactions.

I get to choose the way that I look at my life. Do you I look and my calendar and get stressed because everything I want to accomplish this week? Or do I look at my calendar and get excited because of everything I want to accomplish this week? The choice is mine. I get to choose what my reaction will be and excitement is so much more fun.

So like I said last week, I am going to love myself through this. I hope you choose love in your life too whatever you may be going through.