Category: anxiety

This isn’t 100% True

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I bombed that test, I am such an idiot.” or how about, “I am so embarrassed I said that to her, I am so horrible with people no wonder I don’t have any friends.”  If you have you have been guilty of emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when you take what you are feeling and tell yourself that how you are feeling is how you are.

Most people will do this on occasion but they don’t stay stuck on the thought. However, if you are experiencing anxiety you take this thought and continue to build on it until you have convinced yourself that you are horrible and deserve the panic attack.

What can you do to fight against the emotional reasoning? First you need to pay attention to the things you are thinking about. Once you do that you can start fighting back against them. One technique I just learned about is to write down the thought then list every reason why this thought is not 100% true.

This technique is great for a couple of reasons. I love to write things down because seeing things in black and white makes it so much easier to see the truth. Also, by writing down all of the reasons why something is not true you are reminded of the good things and you can fight the anxiety.

Let’s take my thought of saying something embarrassing and not having any friends. As I begin to find reasons why this isn’t true I remember that in line at the store last week I struck up a conversation with the person in front of me so I write that down. Then I remember that we had friends over for dinner last month so I obviously have friends so I write that down. As I remember each experience I am reminded of another one.

Once I have a few reasons why that thought isn’t 100% true I can put the bad experience into perspective. I did say something embarrassing but no one is perfect. They probably don’t even remember it. If they do bring it up I can apologize and laugh it off.

After you have done this a few times you can start to combat the negative thoughts in your mind without needing to write them down. Although, I still write some of them down just to get them out of my head. Being able to fight against the negative thoughts of anxiety gives you back the power of your life. When you try this technique I would love to hear how it works for you!

The Change Cycle

I hate change! I have fought against change most of my life because I like to be comfortable and the here and now is comfortable. I feel like the majority of people feel the same way. We don’t like change. That is why it is so hard to make changes in our lives. It is much easier to stay where it is safe and where we know what to expect. Because of my own reaction to change and the work I have done with clients I have come to realize how change works. Change is coming at us each day. We can choose to fight against it or learn how to deal with it.

The first part of the cycle is “anticipation of change” this is where we know that something is coming. Maybe we are moving, starting a new job or even something as simple as someone coming to visit. All of these are an interruption of our normal lives. Right at this point we have power over our thoughts. Are we going to focus on all of the bad things that MIGHT happen or do we focus on the good things this change will bring? The change is coming. However, we can make it worse or better depending on how we think about the change.

The next part of the cycle is the change has happened. We have moved, started that new job or the visitor is at our house. We are now living in the change. Now we have the choice of how we are going to deal with the change. We have a couple of choices. We can choose to make this a positive change, neutral or  negative change. The first and I think the best choice is to choose to make the most of the change and learn all we can from it. Although this change may be a negative change like an anxiety disorder getting out of control we can still choose to learn and grow from it. 

Or we can choose to live with the change in a state of neutrality. We don’t learn from it but we don’t make it negative either. Although, this choice is not as helpful as choosing to make it a positive change it is not as destructive as choosing to make it a negative change. We just coast along in the change. Finally, we can make the change a negative change. We can become bitter because we are so angry about the change. We complain about the change to ourselves and to anyone that will listen. But we never choose to do anything to make it better. This choice will continue to guide us down a negative pathway that becomes worse and worse the longer we follow this path.

The next part of the change cycle is when we begin to become comfortable with the change. It is no longer exciting or upsetting.  Life begins to settle down again and the change begins to become part of our life. As stated with the change portion we choose whether we are going to look at this change in a positive or negative light. This stage will lay the foundation for how this change will affect the rest of our lives. We get to choose the direction our life will take.

Finally, the last portion of the change cycle is the change becoming the new normal of our lives. The change has happened we are living with it. We have made the choice if we want to be positive or negative about this change and that choice is playing out in our life. If we have chosen to make it a positive change the change has made our life better. We learned something from this change and we are able to use that to help others. Or we choose to make the change a negative change. We didn’t learn anything and instead of helping others we are pushing people away because they don’t want to listen to the negativity anymore.

This cycle continues over and over again. Sometimes quickly in day such as a stupid driver on the interstate cutting us off. That change can take place in a few minutes. Or the change can take place over several years to our entire lives. The change of dealing with an anxiety disorder is something I have dealt with most of my life. 

As I think about the change cycle and using a negative change to bring positive I think of Elizabeth Smart. She was kidnapped out of her bed as a teenager and held for 9 months. When she was finally rescued she had a choice to make. Her mom told her that she could choose to let her captors continue to hold her by living in anger and fear or she could choose to live her life. Elizabeth choose to live her life. She advocates for missing children she now has a family of her own and is changing the world because she choose to make a change a positive one. 

It is examples like hers that shows me that anyone can make a positive out of any change they encounter in life. It is all up to us what we choose to do with the change. I hope you will choose to make a positive change.

Expectations

I want to make sure everyone gets along.

I want to be sure that everyone is happy.

I want to be sure everyone likes me.

I want to help everyone feel comfortable at the party.

I want to help others understand their worth.

This is a list of expectations that I have had for myself at different times in my life. Some of them are doable and good goals. Others are expectations that are toxic for my frame of mind. I have had times when I want to force people to be happy. I don’t necessarily think that when I am in the situation but that is where it goes.

So what do you do when you find yourself with unrealistic expectations? First, you have to recognize that what you are thinking or doing is not reachable. Wanting to help people feel comfortable at a party is doable. You can introduce them around to the other people. You can make sure they have food and that they know where the bathroom is. But needing everyone to get along is an expectation that is toxic. You can’t make people like each other, no matter what you do.

Second, once you realize that your expectations are out of control you can explore why you are so focused on achieving that thing. One of my major expectations is that I want people to get along and be friends, no matter what. When I started to think about this I realized that it comes from being bullied as a teenager. I know what it is like to be on the outside and it is a horrible feeling. Not wanting someone else to feel like that drives me to the extreme of trying to make everyone like each other. It makes me hyper focus on situations when I think people aren’t getting along. And I spend way too much time trying to fix the “problem”.

Finally, spend some time working through the thinking error that is causing the expectation. I have had to learn how to like myself no matter what other people think. I have come to realize that situations that I think need “fixed” the others don’t see a problem. I have had to learn boundaries and know that even if there is a problem unless I am one of the people involved the problem has nothing to do with me. It takes work and at times I still find myself sucked into trying to fix a problem. However, I can work through it much faster than I used to.

We have all learned expectations throughout our lives. The choice is now ours if we want to keep those expectations or not. We can do the work to let them go or we can stay stuck. I hope you choose to let them go.

You Are Strong Enough

“People frequently overestimate the dangerousness of a given situation and underestimate their ability to cope with it.”

Michael Neena and Windy Dryden

I know this is true for me. For years I worried about everything I did and said because I was sure I was doing it wrong. I was sure that I was going to do something that would ruin my life. Not only my life but I would ruin the lives of my family. It would fascinate my husband that I could go from one small mistake to us being homeless. And it would only take me a few minutes to get there.

I also underestimated my ability to deal with the anxiety. When it would start I knew that I had to talk to someone else to be able to to handle it. I would have to tell someone what I was thinking so they could talk me down. They would have to tell me that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. They could convince me to calm down. But I knew that I couldn’t do it myself. I just knew that my thinking was wrong and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was wrong in both situations. The horrible things I imagined were coming never came about. I never ruined anyone’s life. (At least not yet!) I haven’t been fired, put in jail, or lost our house because I lost my job. No one has told me that they hate me since 8th grade. Even when I made mistakes I was able to fix them. The horrible things I imagined only came true in my mind.

But I was able to handle every single one. I was stronger than I thought I was. And each time I handled the anxiety I became stronger. I still have anxiety issues. There are days that the anxiety kicks up but it is nothing like it used to be. I may feel nervous or anxious about what is happening but it isn’t overwhelming.

The bad was never as bad as I thought it would be. And I was always stronger than I thought I was and so are you. Don’t give up. As you keep trying and overcoming you will becoming stronger. The dark days won’t last but you will!

I can’t; I can

One of my clients taught me a trick that has changed the way I think. She was stressed because she felt like she was being pulled in two different directions. One person wanted her to do something but she already had other plans and had promised a school shop tripping to her kids.

At first she was trying to figure out how she could do everything to make everyone happy. She was trying to squeeze way too much into one day. As the stress started to build she realized I can’t do all of this. I can’t go to the event that these people want me to. But I can make them dinner. I can’t spend the day at the event like they want. But I can give them a place to come back to rest.

When she realized that she could still do something for her friends her stress evaporated. She knew she couldn’t do what the other person wanted but she could still serve them in another way. She knew that although she wasn’t doing exactly what her friends wanted she was still doing good things for them.

I love this trick so much that I told her I was stealing it. This thought shift makes a huge difference in how I  think. Too often I think I must do everything and I must do it perfectly, it is overwhelming. When I step back and realize I can’t do this whole thing but I can do this part the pressure disappears.

Remember there is only so much time in the day. We can’t do everything but we can do something.

Lessons from the Cello

“Sometimes only pain heals.” From Dorothy must die by Danielle Paige

Last year during the second semester my 12 year old son started playing the cello in the school orchestra. The only lessons he had were from the orchestra teacher, who is excellent. However, she is only one person and couldn’t watch every single student to be sure they were using the correct technique.  I knew he needed a private teacher but I was dragging my feet finding someone.

Finally, in August we found a private teacher. The first few months of lessons were awful. My son had bad habits he had to break and he became very frustrated. He felt like he couldn’t play the cello anymore. The teacher knew that to play the cello long term my son had to change his habits. The teacher also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but he knew in the long run it was what my son needed.

Now three months after starting private lessons my son can do the basics correctly and without having to think about what he is doing. Post lesson time is no longer filled with anger and frustration. But he had to go through the pain and frustration to get to this point. (And don’t tell him but there will be more times when he gets frustrated with new things on the cello.)

To change the way that we feel and act we have to go through the pain of healing and growth. So much of life requires us to do hard things. It requires us to go through the pain so that we can get better. The choice is ours we can choose to stay the same or we can choose to do the hard things to become better.

My son wanted to quit private lessons because it was too hard. I could have let him because it was a lot of work to talk him down from the frustration. But I knew if I just helped him stick it out a little bit longer he would get through the hard part. He would see that what he was learning was important and needed. He would be able to see the progress he was making and the pain would be easier to understand.

I knew that change would happen in a few weeks time. I don’t know how long it will take you to get over the pain, depression, anxiety, abuse, PTSD or any other struggle you may be going through. But I know that you will get through it. Nothing lasts forever. And when you go through that pain. When you feel all of it. When you take the time you need to to heal, you don’t have to feel the pain anymore.

But if you choose to not feel the pain. If you choose to distract yourself with food, drugs, TV shows, work or anything else you will never get through to the other side. The pain will always be in the background.

The choice is always ours to make. If you are ready to change and would like some help please contact me. I would love to help and support you in this change. Whether you choose to work with me or not I hope that you choose the pain. I hope you choose to take care of yourself so that you can heal. I hope you always remember that you are worth the pain and work. I hope you remember that you are a child of God and He is there helping and supporting you.

Here’s to going through the pain!

Creation

I have been obsessed lately with creating something. I have been searching Pinterest for a new crafting hobby. I have bought new soft yarn, pens to do hand lettering and material to make Christmas stockings. I want to create something new.

I am convinced I have been obsessed with making something new because of my new venture to be a life coach. I want to create a place for people that are ready to change. I want to make it safe for people to learn about themselves. I want to help them change and overcome whatever may be holding them back.

But I don’t have a clear path forward so I focus on creating things I do know how to do. I can follow a pattern to make a stocking or crochet a scarf. But there isn’t a pattern for what I want to create. And that is scary and really really hard. So I have been distracting myself with all of these other things I can create.

But the distraction means I am not getting closer to my goal and I now have even more unfinished projects in my house. Creation is good and is one of the reason we are here on the earth. I want to start using that power to move forward with my goals.

So no lesson for you today. No take away that will help you in your life. Except maybe this: your goals matter and if they are scary they matter even more. Don’t let yourself get distracted because they may be scary. Create with me!

The Light Will Come Back

This past weekend the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was held. This means that we got to have church at home. We got to stay in our pjs and eat and be fed by the spirit. The Prophet, Apostles and Leaders of the church all spoke.

This weekend filled my spiritual cup in a way that has not happened for many years. For years after conference or any church meeting when someone said, “That was so wonderful wasn’t the spirit so strong?” I couldn’t agree with them. I couldn’t feel what they had felt. Usually what I felt was fatigue. Fatigue from trying to hard. Fatigue from wanting to feel that I was doing the right thing but not quite feeling it.

Fatigue from depression and anxiety weighing my heart down in a manner that made it almost impossible for me to feel the spirit. This weekend, though, was completely different. I could feel the Holy Ghost again speaking to me. I could feel the spirit reassuring me that I was on the correct path. I could feel the truth that all I have to do is my best.

So if you are in the position I have been for years. Hold on the light will come back. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do overcome depression and anxiety. Do the things that make life better for you. Let the judgments of others roll away to the garbage where they belong. Remind yourself that Christ loves you. Remind yourself that you are a child of God.

The light will come back, the peace of the Spirit will return, the joy of serving God will light your life again. Just please hold on!

Mental Filter

Have you ever gone out with friends and you are having a great time then you knock over your cup of water? Or maybe say something that causes your friend to feel bad? I have.

The important question is how do you deal with it after the fact? Do you make a big deal about the little mistake? Do you convince yourself that your friend will never speak to you again? Or that you have to apologize for half an hour before they will forgive you? I do.

This thinking pattern is called Mental Filtering. It is where you hyper-focus on one aspect of an event; the spilled water or the misstatement. You convince yourself that the evening was a disaster because of the mistake you made. You know that your friends will never want to go out with you again.

To combat this thinking error you have to train yourself to look at the big picture. Instead of looking at this one moment think about the entire evening. Did the water get on anyone? Did it ruin any food? How did your friend react when you misspoke?

You might have hurt their feelings but how did the evening go after you apologized? Someone might have gotten wet from the spilled water but their clothes will dry. How did the rest of the evening go?

I know that it can be hard to zoom out and take a big picture look at the events. I want to fix everything and make sure that everyone is happy with me so I am very good at hyper-focusing.  However, hyper-focusing on something distorts what we see.

When you are learning how to zoom out you may need to ask for help from others. Check in with a friend to see what they thought of the evening. Ask if they even remember what you said or did. Most of the time when I have done this the other person doesn’t even remember what I am talking about. It is amazing how something so huge to me doesn’t even register to someone else.

I would often ask my husband if I needed to apologize about something. Because I always felt like I needed to apologize I wasn’t sure if I really needed to or if it was just my filter. Asking his opinion helped me to learn when I really needed to apologize. It also helped me to see the big picture and not be so focused.

When you find yourself focusing on the bad remember to look at the big picture. Remember what you are focusing on isn’t the whole picture. Remember to zoom out and ask for help to see the whole picture.

Anxiety Doesn’t Go Away

Anxiety doesn’t go away. I know that sounds frustrating and depressing but it isn’t I promise. Stay with me as I explain this.

Anxiety is the body taking normal emotions too far. It has been my response when anything is fun, scary, uncomfortable, exciting or sad. It has been the way that I try and deal with any change good or bad coming up in my life. Anxiety is simply a reaction to life.

If anxiety were to go away we would have a very boring life. Now that doesn’t mean that we have to deal with panic attacks for the rest of our lives. Remember what I said anxiety is simply the body taking emotions too far. So when you start to feel anxious follow the thoughts and emotions back to where they started.

Let me explain. My husband had a BBQ Saturday night with his work friends. As I was getting ready I started to feel anxious. As I listened to what I was telling myself it was “Be careful what you say you don’t want to say something dumb. Make sure you don’t embarrass your husband. He deserves to have a fun night.”

When I followed those thoughts back I realized that I was nervous about meeting his work friends. I knew some of them but not all of them. I wanted to make a good impression. Being nervous and wanting to make a good impression are normal emotions. But if I don’t pay attention to what I’m thinking they get out of control.

So anxiety may not go away but instead of giving in to to the fear I use it as a reminder to pay attention to what I am telling myself. When I start to feel out of control or like a panic attack is coming I know I need to follow my thoughts backwards to understand what I am telling myself.

Thinking of anxiety in this way also takes away the power of anxiety. I know that when I start to fear anxiety the panic attack builds faster. When I use anxiety as a guide to how I am feeling I take the power back from anxiety. The panic attack doesn’t build and I am able to overcome the fear faster.

Saturday as I was getting ready and the fear thoughts were coming at me I simply changed the narrative. I told myself that I was nervous; everyone gets nervous meeting new people. I do need to pay attention to what I say because I can get snarky. But I don’t need to monitor every word. My husband does deserve a good night but so do I. The more I worry the worse the night will be for everyone.

As I combated the negative thoughts my fear went down. I reminded myself that my feelings are normal. Anxiety is part of my life but it isn’t the controlling part. And the BBQ was excellent!