Category: anxiety

Using Questions to Change Your Life

I love questions! I ask a lot of questions and always have. I think I was one of those annoying toddlers that asked why every 5 seconds. I love to know why. I love to know why something works the way it does, why someone choose the path they choose, I especially love to know why someone thinks the way they do. I have learned that questions can change your life but you have to ask them correctly.

When I am experiencing a panic attack too often the first question I ask is “Why is this still happening to me?” This question doesn’t do anythng to help me stop the panic attack. All it does is make me feel worse because I am frustrated and upset about having a panic attack. If I instead ask, “What was I thinking about before the panic attack started?” I can begin the process of ending the panic attack.

If I am having a problem communicating with a friend I can ask myself, “What is wrong with me?” Putting all of the focus and the blame on my shortcomings. If I instead ask, “What choices am I responsible for that lead to this problem?” The focus is off of my shortcomings and what I think I did wrong and instead focusing on problem solving to fix whatever may have happened.

In these two examples you can see how different questions can be. One type of question we can use to put ourselves and others down. This type of question doesn’t do anything to help solve and problem. They can, however, do a lot to destroy our peace of mind and sense of self.

The second type of question focuses on finding solutions. They also take the focus off being a “bad” person. This type of questions helps us to problem solve and to look at the problem more objectively. Making it easier to find a solution for the issue facing us.

I love questions. But really I love good questions. I love questions that lead me to change and joy. I love when I can help others to change their questions to better serve them. Do you have a negative question you have been asking yourself? How could you change it to a postive question? If you need help I would love to help you, comment or message me and I will help you change your questions!

Look How Far You’ve Come

This time of year it is common to look forward and plan goals for the new year. I always feel this time of year is kind of negative because we are looking at all of the things we haven’t done and put ourselves down because of it. But this year I would encourage you to look back and see how far you have come.

I was practicing piano the other day (I know another piano metaphor – but playing an instrument teaches you so much about life. If I had know this earlier my kids would have been in lessons at a much younger age.) and I realized how far I have come in being able to play. Usually when I sit down to practice I think about how much more I want to learn and all of the things I am doing wrong.

This time though as I was practicing some church hymns I realized how far I have come. I am able to play a hymn without thinking about it too much. Both hands are moving and I am using the pedal. I am able to work the pedal without having to remember to move my foot. These songs that I didn’t think I would be able to play I am playing. I can’t always play when other people are singing but I am getting better.

How often do we do this? We only look at where we want to go not at what we have accomplished so far. I know people say that what we did yesterday doesn’t matter. But it does matter because it shows us what we can do. It shows that we can learn and grow. It shows us how hard we work. It shows us what we are capable of, so we can continue to progress.

As you begin this new year please take a few moments to look back and see how far you have come. Look at all of the thing you have accomplished. I never thought I would be able to overcome anxiety to live the life I have now. As I look back it amazes me to see how far I have come.

What have you accomplished that amazes you? I would love to hear.

Be Comfortable with being Uncomfortable

 

I have been thinking about the importance of being uncomfortable. I wrote about this last week, to conquer anxiety you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. It is too easy to think that to keep the anxiety at bay you have to keep yourself safe. It is better to just stay where you know nothing bad is ever going to happen.

I have been trying something different this week. I have been putting myself in situations that are uncomfortable. Monday night I drove my husband around on some errands. I know this doesn’t sound that uncomfortable but I never drive when my husband is in the car. I don’t love driving and I worry too much about what people are thinking.

We had a family dinner on Sunday. I often get overwhelmed and leave early when in a big group. There are just too many different things happening. On Sunday I did my best to communicate and enjoy my time with family. Even though it was uncomfortable I tried to focus on making memories.

Why am I trying to put myself in situations that are uncomfortable? Because I think this is my next step in combating anxiety. I am tired of being safe just so that I don’t have an anxiety attack. Being uncomfortable helps me to see that I won’t die. Even though I may have some anxiety I am learning that I have control over it. I have learned that anxiety can’t destroy me so it no longer has as much control over me.

I am on a mission to make myself uncomfortable!

Be Uncomfortable

I am always on the look out for new ways to deal with anxiety. I hate the anxious uncomfortable feeling that comes when I am doing something new or difficult. I want to find the magic cure that will make it so I never have to feel that way again. I think I have finally found it!

The cure? Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. There is a new book out called “Needing to know for sure”. In this book the authors discuss how to get out of the loop of always checking on things or always having to do more research before you make a decision. Basically they are teaching how to stop the anxiety cycle.

I have not read the book yet but I am excited to find out more. They have a four step process for dealing with anxiety. The second step is to embrace the feeling of uncertainty. For most of my life I have been trying to figure out how to calm the feeling of uncertainty. I want to feel confident and unafraid. As a child I would get so scared when my parents were gone I would make all of my siblings go to the neighbors house, often late at night, just so I could be reassured by an adult. (Everyone had to come so that nothing bad would happen to the ones left at home.)

During the worst of the anxiety I would call my husband at least once a day so that I could get reassurance from him that everything is OK. I wanted him to calm me down so that I didn’t have to keep feeling so uncomfortable. And it would work for a little bit but then something else would happen and I would need to check in with someone to calm me down.

Seeking for constant reassurance actually increases the need to seek for reassurance. Because you feel calmer for a little while your brain convinces you that seeking for help is the only way to calm yourself. That is why step two of this program is so important. Learning to be uncomfortable for a little while actually decreases the number of panic attacks faster than seeking reassurance.

In this new book they teach that getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a key to moving forward with anxiety. Going forward even though you feel scared teaches the brain that there isn’t anything to be afraid of. The brain can’t tell the differences between a true threat and one that we imagine. That is why when we feel afraid the gut reaction is to run. That is why we seek reassurance.

However, when the threat is not actually something that will kill us we have to learn how to feel the fear. To do this acknowledge to yourself that you are feeling afraid or uncomfortable. You don’t have to pretend you are feeling fine when you aren’t. As you know I love lists so I make a list of why I am feeling afraid. I love to write the list down because it helps me get it out of my head instead of dwelling on it.

Then I announce, sometimes out loud, that I am afraid but I don’t care I am going to do this thing anyway. Then I remind myself that I have survived every panic attack I have had and this time will not be different. I may not like the way it feels but I can survive it so bring it on. Then I get busy. I do something to distract my brain, especially, if what I had been worrying about was a made up stress scenario.

I am not very good at feeling the fear yet. I have been stress eating to distract myself from the fear. But I have been trying. Will join me in feeling the fear?

Practice with a Purpose

Last week at my piano lesson my teacher was explaining how I should practice. She said that I should not just play through a song hoping I would figure out the parts I was struggling with. Instead, I should practice with a purpose. Meaning that I should find the parts I’m struggling with and work on those either until I get them or I get too frustrated. Then move on to the next part I need to work on.

She said that when you practice with a purpose you progress faster and you more easily learn to play a song. I have been thinking about this advice for the last few days. I know that there are times in life where I just coast through life hoping that I figure it all out. I keep thinking I will work on that tomorrow. I will understand this better latter. The problem is I never really work on that thing I want to figure out.

When I take the time to “practice with a purpose” I more quickly figure out what I have been struggling with. As I have explained before I have struggled with anxiety throughout my life. The last few years I have learned tricks and solutions that have helped my overcome most of the anxiety. However, the last few weeks the anxiety has been flaring up again. The tricks and tips I have been using in the past weren’t working.

Today as I was working to calm myself down I realized I needed to think about the anxiety in a different way. I have always thought of the anxiety as something to control or get over. Instead, I decided that it was something I would need to get comfortable with for the next few months. I am choosing to make changes and try new things in my life and this will trigger the anxiety. Instead of stepping back from my goals I am going to live with the anxiety and use it as a sign that I am moving in the direction I choose.

I stopped just moving through my day and decided to “practice with a purpose” by understanding what was causing the anxiety to flare. Then choosing to live with the anxiety and not to let it control me. How can you use the “practice with a purpose” idea in your own life? I would love to hear your ideas. Please share them with me here.

Minimalism and Thoughts

People are getting rid of stuff! There are more books coming out about the minimalist lifestyle. (Which I think is kind of ironic.) Less is more seems to be the mantra.

As I have been thinking about this it of course leads me to the idea of getting rid of beliefs that don’t serve you. The belief that you aren’t good enough. The belief that you have to be perfect. The belief that no one would like the “real” you. You know the one that you don’t show to people because it is too scary. Any negative belief that isn’t helping you to live a positive life.

I was reading “Bouncing Back from Rejection” last night. The author of the preface mentioned that our brains are not wired for positive thoughts. Our brains are wired to find the negative because that is what kept us alive. We had to find what might kill us quickly. We had to be able to identify what may get us kicked out of the tribe before we got kicked out.

We don’t have to be so focused on the negative anymore. So how do we change the way we think? First off, we have to know what we are thinking about. If we don’t pay attention to our thoughts we can’t change them. Our brains are always working to make sense of the world. It is interpreting data as we go about our day, that is how we can drive to work without remembering how we got there.

If we let our brain drive us it will seek out all of the negative. When we start paying attention to our thoughts we are able to better control them. Once you start paying attention to what you are thinking about you can then tell your thoughts where to go.

I remember a saying from Brigham Young, “If you have a negative thought about yourself tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from.” Although this is funny it is true. When we have those negative thoughts they need to be kicked out. Challenge the thought; is it true? Does it describe what really happened? How do I know that it is true?

Once you have challenged the thought it is time to re-frame it. If it is completely false you toss out the thought. If part of the thought is true you rewrite it in your mind. I did say something rude to my mom but I apologized and we worked through it. I am not going to worry about it anymore.

After you rewrite the thought or you are ready to toss it out, you need to replace it by focusing on something else. If you simply rewrite the thought and don’t replace it with something else you will continue to focus on that thought. You can use a saying, a mantra, song lyrics or a scripture to distract yourself from the negative thought. This way it has less power over you and you can move on.

As you continue through these steps each day it gets easier. You will more quickly focus on the positive. And you will be able to accomplish the goals you have set in your life. If you would like more focused help on changing your thoughts please contact me here. I would love to work with you.

 

Yes is the worst answer

My son tried out for a school musical a few weeks ago. He has not been in choir and had never been in a play before. I knew he was a little nervous so I asked him how he was feeling. He said, “Well, the worst that they can tell me is yes.” It took me a minute to realize what it was he had said.

Usually, people think the worst that they can be told is no. But he had but a twist on it. He wasn’t invested in the outcome because it was something fun that he was trying out so no wasn’t horrible.

I have been thinking about this for weeks. So many times I get so stressed because I don’t want to be told no. I just know that no will mean that I failed. If I am told no then I am not good enough. But when we take the emotion out of the no there is so much less to be worried about.

Instead of looking at no as a failure we can look at it as the next step. We can see that this may not be the best answer for us and move on to the next step. We can use the no to power us on to the next step. Maybe yes really is the worst thing we can hear.

What is My Job?

 

Quick reminder: You are not responsible to make other people happy. It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. You do not need to be on high alert to be sure that no one says something to offend someone else.

Sometimes we take so much responsiblity on ourselves to make sure that everyone is happy. I have done this most of my life. But when the anxiety become overwhelming the need to control everything really kicked in.

I had to be sure that everyone around me was happy. I had to be sure that no one was mad. Especially not mad at me. But I had to be on high gear to make sure that no one offended someone else. And if that did happen then I had to fix it.

Guess what? That is exhausting! And it is not my job. It is not up to me to make everyone happy. Not even Disneyland can do that! It took me a long time to learn that lesson. It has taken me even longer to learn how to have boundaries.

It is ok to not be responsible for other people’s feelings. In fact it makes socailizing so much more fun. It takes so much less energy for me to be around people now. I don’t have to spend so much time worrying.

Life is hard enough. Take making other people happy off of your responsibility list. Then you can truly enjoy being around people and getting to know them.

Don’t Think

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you but more than once I have woken up with an anxiety attack. I am not sure what my brain is doing while I am asleep. I guess it is making a list of all the things I am not doing as well as I should.

When I have anxiety attacks I try to figure out what it is that I have been thinking about. This helps a lot to deal with the anxiety during the day, because I can combat the negative thinking. It doesn’t help so much when I wake up with an anxiety attack. The problem is I don’t know what my brain has been focusing on so I can’t fight back against the negative thoughts.

Sunday morning when I woke up with the anxiety attack I laid there for a while trying to figure out what caused the anxiety. The more time I spent trying to figure it out the worse the anxiety became. I knew that I hadn’t been taking care of myself. When I exercise, eat well and rest I have fewer problems with anxiety.

So I started to use the fact that I hadn’t been doing these things to beat myself up. Then I started to think about all of the things I felt I wasn’t doing well. And the anxiety attack got worst. I finally realized that I need to just stop. My brain had been going too fast before I woke. I couldn’t fight back against the negative thoughts because I couldn’t remember what I had been focusing on.

Sometimes the best way to deal with an anxiety attack is to stop thinking. I just had to quit focusing so much on what I was thinking. I couldn’t fix this anxiety attack by fighting back against the negative thoughts. So instead I got up and got busy. I distracted myself so that I wasn’t focusing so much on what I thought I was doing wrong.

Not thinking can be the best way to deal with anxiety.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is next week! I know that Thanksgiving can get overlooked for Christmas, which I am often guilty of doing. (I just love Christmas stuff.) But Thanksgiving is a special time to stop and feel gratitude for all that I have in my life.

Gratitude is an emotion that can change your life and the way you look at it. There was a time in my life that I lived in darkness and fear and I let anxiety rule my life. I never thought that this would be a time that I would be grateful for. But now that I have worked to change, that period of my life means so much to me.

Gratitude matters for each of us. Not only can it change your own life but it can change other’s lives too. Have you ever met someone that has a problem for every solution? They need to hear the gratitude of others. They need to know that there is good in the world. (Even if they find the bad in what you’re telling them!) Eventually they will hear the gratitude.

Gratitude helps to change the way we think. As we continue to look for the good things in our lives our thinking changes. We are hardwired to focus on the negative because that is what kept us alive. However, we can change that, as we focus on gratitude we are able to see more of the positive aspects of life.

Being grateful strengths your immune system, it helps with your communication and helps you become more empathetic. Gratitude increases your mood and how you think about yourself. It is amazing what gratitude can do to change your life. So I would encourage you to focus on gratitude all year long not just during this time.

An attitude of gratitude really does change your life!