Author: Janna

I am a wife, mother, librarian and lover of learning new things. Amazing and Terrifying is all about my journey in this world. My purpose is to help as many people as I can choose and live the life that they want. Thank you for visiting!

I can’t; I can

One of my clients taught me a trick that has changed the way I think. She was stressed because she felt like she was being pulled in two different directions. One person wanted her to do something but she already had other plans and had promised a school shop tripping to her kids.

At first she was trying to figure out how she could do everything to make everyone happy. She was trying to squeeze way too much into one day. As the stress started to build she realized I can’t do all of this. I can’t go to the event that these people want me to. But I can make them dinner. I can’t spend the day at the event like they want. But I can give them a place to come back to rest.

When she realized that she could still do something for her friends her stress evaporated. She knew she couldn’t do what the other person wanted but she could still serve them in another way. She knew that although she wasn’t doing exactly what her friends wanted she was still doing good things for them.

I love this trick so much that I told her I was stealing it. This thought shift makes a huge difference in how I  think. Too often I think I must do everything and I must do it perfectly, it is overwhelming. When I step back and realize I can’t do this whole thing but I can do this part the pressure disappears.

Remember there is only so much time in the day. We can’t do everything but we can do something.

Lessons from the Cello

“Sometimes only pain heals.” From Dorothy must die by Danielle Paige

Last year during the second semester my 12 year old son started playing the cello in the school orchestra. The only lessons he had were from the orchestra teacher, who is excellent. However, she is only one person and couldn’t watch every single student to be sure they were using the correct technique.  I knew he needed a private teacher but I was dragging my feet finding someone.

Finally, in August we found a private teacher. The first few months of lessons were awful. My son had bad habits he had to break and he became very frustrated. He felt like he couldn’t play the cello anymore. The teacher knew that to play the cello long term my son had to change his habits. The teacher also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but he knew in the long run it was what my son needed.

Now three months after starting private lessons my son can do the basics correctly and without having to think about what he is doing. Post lesson time is no longer filled with anger and frustration. But he had to go through the pain and frustration to get to this point. (And don’t tell him but there will be more times when he gets frustrated with new things on the cello.)

To change the way that we feel and act we have to go through the pain of healing and growth. So much of life requires us to do hard things. It requires us to go through the pain so that we can get better. The choice is ours we can choose to stay the same or we can choose to do the hard things to become better.

My son wanted to quit private lessons because it was too hard. I could have let him because it was a lot of work to talk him down from the frustration. But I knew if I just helped him stick it out a little bit longer he would get through the hard part. He would see that what he was learning was important and needed. He would be able to see the progress he was making and the pain would be easier to understand.

I knew that change would happen in a few weeks time. I don’t know how long it will take you to get over the pain, depression, anxiety, abuse, PTSD or any other struggle you may be going through. But I know that you will get through it. Nothing lasts forever. And when you go through that pain. When you feel all of it. When you take the time you need to to heal, you don’t have to feel the pain anymore.

But if you choose to not feel the pain. If you choose to distract yourself with food, drugs, TV shows, work or anything else you will never get through to the other side. The pain will always be in the background.

The choice is always ours to make. If you are ready to change and would like some help please contact me. I would love to help and support you in this change. Whether you choose to work with me or not I hope that you choose the pain. I hope you choose to take care of yourself so that you can heal. I hope you always remember that you are worth the pain and work. I hope you remember that you are a child of God and He is there helping and supporting you.

Here’s to going through the pain!

Creation

I have been obsessed lately with creating something. I have been searching Pinterest for a new crafting hobby. I have bought new soft yarn, pens to do hand lettering and material to make Christmas stockings. I want to create something new.

I am convinced I have been obsessed with making something new because of my new venture to be a life coach. I want to create a place for people that are ready to change. I want to make it safe for people to learn about themselves. I want to help them change and overcome whatever may be holding them back.

But I don’t have a clear path forward so I focus on creating things I do know how to do. I can follow a pattern to make a stocking or crochet a scarf. But there isn’t a pattern for what I want to create. And that is scary and really really hard. So I have been distracting myself with all of these other things I can create.

But the distraction means I am not getting closer to my goal and I now have even more unfinished projects in my house. Creation is good and is one of the reason we are here on the earth. I want to start using that power to move forward with my goals.

So no lesson for you today. No take away that will help you in your life. Except maybe this: your goals matter and if they are scary they matter even more. Don’t let yourself get distracted because they may be scary. Create with me!

The Light Will Come Back

This past weekend the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was held. This means that we got to have church at home. We got to stay in our pjs and eat and be fed by the spirit. The Prophet, Apostles and Leaders of the church all spoke.

This weekend filled my spiritual cup in a way that has not happened for many years. For years after conference or any church meeting when someone said, “That was so wonderful wasn’t the spirit so strong?” I couldn’t agree with them. I couldn’t feel what they had felt. Usually what I felt was fatigue. Fatigue from trying to hard. Fatigue from wanting to feel that I was doing the right thing but not quite feeling it.

Fatigue from depression and anxiety weighing my heart down in a manner that made it almost impossible for me to feel the spirit. This weekend, though, was completely different. I could feel the Holy Ghost again speaking to me. I could feel the spirit reassuring me that I was on the correct path. I could feel the truth that all I have to do is my best.

So if you are in the position I have been for years. Hold on the light will come back. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do overcome depression and anxiety. Do the things that make life better for you. Let the judgments of others roll away to the garbage where they belong. Remind yourself that Christ loves you. Remind yourself that you are a child of God.

The light will come back, the peace of the Spirit will return, the joy of serving God will light your life again. Just please hold on!

Mental Filter

Have you ever gone out with friends and you are having a great time then you knock over your cup of water? Or maybe say something that causes your friend to feel bad? I have.

The important question is how do you deal with it after the fact? Do you make a big deal about the little mistake? Do you convince yourself that your friend will never speak to you again? Or that you have to apologize for half an hour before they will forgive you? I do.

This thinking pattern is called Mental Filtering. It is where you hyper-focus on one aspect of an event; the spilled water or the misstatement. You convince yourself that the evening was a disaster because of the mistake you made. You know that your friends will never want to go out with you again.

To combat this thinking error you have to train yourself to look at the big picture. Instead of looking at this one moment think about the entire evening. Did the water get on anyone? Did it ruin any food? How did your friend react when you misspoke?

You might have hurt their feelings but how did the evening go after you apologized? Someone might have gotten wet from the spilled water but their clothes will dry. How did the rest of the evening go?

I know that it can be hard to zoom out and take a big picture look at the events. I want to fix everything and make sure that everyone is happy with me so I am very good at hyper-focusing.  However, hyper-focusing on something distorts what we see.

When you are learning how to zoom out you may need to ask for help from others. Check in with a friend to see what they thought of the evening. Ask if they even remember what you said or did. Most of the time when I have done this the other person doesn’t even remember what I am talking about. It is amazing how something so huge to me doesn’t even register to someone else.

I would often ask my husband if I needed to apologize about something. Because I always felt like I needed to apologize I wasn’t sure if I really needed to or if it was just my filter. Asking his opinion helped me to learn when I really needed to apologize. It also helped me to see the big picture and not be so focused.

When you find yourself focusing on the bad remember to look at the big picture. Remember what you are focusing on isn’t the whole picture. Remember to zoom out and ask for help to see the whole picture.

Anxiety Doesn’t Go Away

Anxiety doesn’t go away. I know that sounds frustrating and depressing but it isn’t I promise. Stay with me as I explain this.

Anxiety is the body taking normal emotions too far. It has been my response when anything is fun, scary, uncomfortable, exciting or sad. It has been the way that I try and deal with any change good or bad coming up in my life. Anxiety is simply a reaction to life.

If anxiety were to go away we would have a very boring life. Now that doesn’t mean that we have to deal with panic attacks for the rest of our lives. Remember what I said anxiety is simply the body taking emotions too far. So when you start to feel anxious follow the thoughts and emotions back to where they started.

Let me explain. My husband had a BBQ Saturday night with his work friends. As I was getting ready I started to feel anxious. As I listened to what I was telling myself it was “Be careful what you say you don’t want to say something dumb. Make sure you don’t embarrass your husband. He deserves to have a fun night.”

When I followed those thoughts back I realized that I was nervous about meeting his work friends. I knew some of them but not all of them. I wanted to make a good impression. Being nervous and wanting to make a good impression are normal emotions. But if I don’t pay attention to what I’m thinking they get out of control.

So anxiety may not go away but instead of giving in to to the fear I use it as a reminder to pay attention to what I am telling myself. When I start to feel out of control or like a panic attack is coming I know I need to follow my thoughts backwards to understand what I am telling myself.

Thinking of anxiety in this way also takes away the power of anxiety. I know that when I start to fear anxiety the panic attack builds faster. When I use anxiety as a guide to how I am feeling I take the power back from anxiety. The panic attack doesn’t build and I am able to overcome the fear faster.

Saturday as I was getting ready and the fear thoughts were coming at me I simply changed the narrative. I told myself that I was nervous; everyone gets nervous meeting new people. I do need to pay attention to what I say because I can get snarky. But I don’t need to monitor every word. My husband does deserve a good night but so do I. The more I worry the worse the night will be for everyone.

As I combated the negative thoughts my fear went down. I reminded myself that my feelings are normal. Anxiety is part of my life but it isn’t the controlling part. And the BBQ was excellent!

Mind Reading Part 2

Last week I started a new series about thinking errors with mind reading. If you didn’t see that post you can read it here. We can cause ourselves no end of anxiety when we think we know what other people are thinking. Well mind reading can also cause problems when we think other people should know what we are thinking. (lots of thinking in that paragraph!)

I have had times where I am in the middle of a panic attack and I think it is written all over my face. My head feels like it is about to explode so of course everyone can tell. Surely they can see that I am just about to lose my mind. But guess what they can’t!

Just like I can’t tell what other people are thinking they can’t tell what is going on inside of me just by looking. They can’t tell that I am just about to explode so don’t give me one more thing. Do you know what that means?

That means we have to tell people when we are having a hard time. That means that we have to ask for help. That means that when we are just about to lose our minds we need to talk. I know that reaching out can be the scariest part when you are struggling. But there are people that will listen with love.

We can reach out to our friends and family. People that we know will listen and respond in a kind way. The loved ones that will support us and help as we figure out the next step. You can even reach out to strangers on the internet. I am here whenever you may need help.

But just like everyone else I can’t read minds. So please be brave and say you need help!

 

Dumb Enough to Believe

The fire in my heart is to support and encourage people to believe that they can accomplish their goals. I heard a quote from Dave Ramsey that really struck me he said:

My parents told us we could do anything. And we were dumb enough to believe them.

I was glad I wasn’t driving when I heard this quote. Because I stopped in my kitchen to think about what he said. He was talking about his parents and the way they raised him and his siblings. His parents continually told him that he could do anything – and he believed them.

I know that I haven’t always been the type of person that thought anything was possible. I spent YEARS afraid of everything. I tried to hide the fear from my kids and encourage them to go and experience life. And now I am starting to believe what I have been telling them.

I can see the amazing things that are out in the world. I can see that it may be scary to start something new but it is exhilarating too.  It can seem overwhelming and confusing trying to figure out what to do next but it is exciting to take a step into the new.

What have you been thinking about trying? What would you like to change about your life? What excites you? I would love to hear! And I would be thrilled to help you on this journey. You can reach me by contacting me here.

Let’s be dumb enough to believe that we can accomplish anything!

Mind Reading

The way we think directly effects the way we feel and the things we work towards in our lives. I have learned so much going through anxiety but also becoming certified as a life coach. One of the things I have learned is the different thinking traps that we can fall into.

Because these thoughts are common, so common we sometimes don’t even know we are trapped I decided to do a series on them. I want to help you see the traps so that you can avoid them.

The first one to discuss is mind reading. Mind reading is where you assume what someone else is thinking. I do this All. The. Time. Especially with my husband. I assume that he is mad at me because he is quiet. I assume that he is upset with something I did because he spent lots of time upstairs after work.

I got caught in this trap Tuesday. I was feeling a little off and I felt like my hubby was upset with me. I had no idea why he might be angry but I was going down that road. As I started to work out why I was feeling this way he sent me a text thanking me for being a good wife.

I laughed out loud when I got the text because of where my mind had been going. I assumed I knew what he felt. And I was going through my mind trying to find evidence to prove that he was mad at me.

How can we avoid this trap? We have to ask or we have to be patient enough to wait for the other person to say something. Mind reading is probably the biggest trap I fall into. I remember my counselor asking me how I knew someone was mad at me. When I had to admit that I didn’t know he would remind me that the only way I can know someone’s feelings or thoughts is to ask them.

I know that it can be annoying to ask all the time are you mad at me. But that is the only way you can know the truth. When you start to realize that everyone doesn’t hate you it is easier to start fighting against that trap without having to ask all of the time.

I mentioned that before I got the text from my husband I was starting to work through why I thought he may be upset with me. I write out my feelings when I am lost so I had started a diagram as to why he could be upset. This helps me to see what I am thinking and also to see if there is any truth to what I am thinking.

Not one of us can read the minds of others. And for that I am grateful! Don’t be afraid to ask what someone else may be thinking. It is worth it to not be stuck in a panic attack.

Getting My Brain Moving

I get stuck inside my brain. It is worse in the mornings. As soon as I wake up the anxiety is telling me it is going to be a horrible day. Then I start telling myself that I just want to stay in bed and not deal with all of the stuff. I pull the covers over my head like a kid trying to fend off the morning. It hasn’t worked yet the mornings keep coming.

I decided that I didn’t like fighting the mornings so I began looking for ways to make my mornings better. I don’t think that I will ever be a happy morning person but I have come up with some ways to get my brain moving and unstuck from the life is horrible routine. I don’t do all of these every day but I have used all of them to help myself. I hope that you can find something here that will help you.

I try and exercise every morning. And yes it is incredibly hard to get out of bed when I am already grumpy to go do something else hard. But when I do I get the endorphins and all the other good feeling hormones moving through my body. I am able to have some time by myself before I need to start waking up kids. I feel like I am ahead of the game because I already got something done.

I eat something with protein. I love food but if I don’t have some protein I am setting myself up for more problems later in the day. Also I know that I get hangry so I try to eat regularly throughout the day.

If I am feeling especially off and I can’t figure out what is wrong I start writing. I don’t think about grammar or about making it make sense. I just write until I can get all of the feelings out of my head or get down to the root of why I am feeling off.

Along with writing I make lists. Often when I start to feel overwhelmed and anxious it is because I feel like life is out of control. Making lists helps me to feel more in control, I can see what it is I need to get done. It is true that I may either lose the list or never look at it again but all of that stuff is out of my brain and I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I play the grateful game.  Sometimes in the morning I feel guilty because I have so much yet I am unhappy. Instead of letting that guilt fester I start naming the things I am grateful for. This helps me to combat the anxiety and the guilt at the same time.

Finally, I try and be compassionate with myself. I have a hard time in the mornings, that is a fact. So I take care of myself, I work to find things that help me make mornings easier. I give myself grace when I have a hard morning. I quit judging how good of a person I am by how much I have gotten done. I let myself have a hard morning.