Author: Janna

I am a wife, mother, librarian and lover of learning new things. Amazing and Terrifying is all about my journey in this world. My purpose is to help as many people as I can choose and live the life that they want. Thank you for visiting!

Don’t Think

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you but more than once I have woken up with an anxiety attack. I am not sure what my brain is doing while I am asleep. I guess it is making a list of all the things I am not doing as well as I should.

When I have anxiety attacks I try to figure out what it is that I have been thinking about. This helps a lot to deal with the anxiety during the day, because I can combat the negative thinking. It doesn’t help so much when I wake up with an anxiety attack. The problem is I don’t know what my brain has been focusing on so I can’t fight back against the negative thoughts.

Sunday morning when I woke up with the anxiety attack I laid there for a while trying to figure out what caused the anxiety. The more time I spent trying to figure it out the worse the anxiety became. I knew that I hadn’t been taking care of myself. When I exercise, eat well and rest I have fewer problems with anxiety.

So I started to use the fact that I hadn’t been doing these things to beat myself up. Then I started to think about all of the things I felt I wasn’t doing well. And the anxiety attack got worst. I finally realized that I need to just stop. My brain had been going too fast before I woke. I couldn’t fight back against the negative thoughts because I couldn’t remember what I had been focusing on.

Sometimes the best way to deal with an anxiety attack is to stop thinking. I just had to quit focusing so much on what I was thinking. I couldn’t fix this anxiety attack by fighting back against the negative thoughts. So instead I got up and got busy. I distracted myself so that I wasn’t focusing so much on what I thought I was doing wrong.

Not thinking can be the best way to deal with anxiety.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is next week! I know that Thanksgiving can get overlooked for Christmas, which I am often guilty of doing. (I just love Christmas stuff.) But Thanksgiving is a special time to stop and feel gratitude for all that I have in my life.

Gratitude is an emotion that can change your life and the way you look at it. There was a time in my life that I lived in darkness and fear and I let anxiety rule my life. I never thought that this would be a time that I would be grateful for. But now that I have worked to change, that period of my life means so much to me.

Gratitude matters for each of us. Not only can it change your own life but it can change other’s lives too. Have you ever met someone that has a problem for every solution? They need to hear the gratitude of others. They need to know that there is good in the world. (Even if they find the bad in what you’re telling them!) Eventually they will hear the gratitude.

Gratitude helps to change the way we think. As we continue to look for the good things in our lives our thinking changes. We are hardwired to focus on the negative because that is what kept us alive. However, we can change that, as we focus on gratitude we are able to see more of the positive aspects of life.

Being grateful strengths your immune system, it helps with your communication and helps you become more empathetic. Gratitude increases your mood and how you think about yourself. It is amazing what gratitude can do to change your life. So I would encourage you to focus on gratitude all year long not just during this time.

An attitude of gratitude really does change your life!

 

I’m a cheater

I was talking to a little neighbor boy the other day. He is only 8 and had lots of questions about college and jobs. As we were talking I forgot he is only 8. I was telling him about being a librarian and how I cheated becoming a librarian because I don’t have a Master’s degree.

He did not like that I said I cheated so I tried to explain that I wasn’t a cheater I was just lucky. He said I still don’t like that you cheated. I love the honesty of kids. This conversation got me thinking about what I tell myself. Although, I was just teasing about being a cheater it still has an effect on how I think about myself.

What labels do you use to describe yourself? Do you tell the truth when you describe yourself? Have you noticed how you feel when you use positive labels?

This isn’t 100% True

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I bombed that test, I am such an idiot.” or how about, “I am so embarrassed I said that to her, I am so horrible with people no wonder I don’t have any friends.”  If you have you have been guilty of emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when you take what you are feeling and tell yourself that how you are feeling is how you are.

Most people will do this on occasion but they don’t stay stuck on the thought. However, if you are experiencing anxiety you take this thought and continue to build on it until you have convinced yourself that you are horrible and deserve the panic attack.

What can you do to fight against the emotional reasoning? First you need to pay attention to the things you are thinking about. Once you do that you can start fighting back against them. One technique I just learned about is to write down the thought then list every reason why this thought is not 100% true.

This technique is great for a couple of reasons. I love to write things down because seeing things in black and white makes it so much easier to see the truth. Also, by writing down all of the reasons why something is not true you are reminded of the good things and you can fight the anxiety.

Let’s take my thought of saying something embarrassing and not having any friends. As I begin to find reasons why this isn’t true I remember that in line at the store last week I struck up a conversation with the person in front of me so I write that down. Then I remember that we had friends over for dinner last month so I obviously have friends so I write that down. As I remember each experience I am reminded of another one.

Once I have a few reasons why that thought isn’t 100% true I can put the bad experience into perspective. I did say something embarrassing but no one is perfect. They probably don’t even remember it. If they do bring it up I can apologize and laugh it off.

After you have done this a few times you can start to combat the negative thoughts in your mind without needing to write them down. Although, I still write some of them down just to get them out of my head. Being able to fight against the negative thoughts of anxiety gives you back the power of your life. When you try this technique I would love to hear how it works for you!

Clean Out that Closet!

I love, love, love Marie Kondo’s show Tidying Up on Netflix. It is so relaxing to watch because Marie Kondo is so sweet and kind to the people she meets. I love how excited she gets when she sees a messy drawer she can clean out. I especially love to see the change that comes over people as they deal with all of the stuff they have collected.

This weekend I, finally, took some time to clean out the bookcases in our living room. I love books and I collect them like baseball cards. Because of this I have two bookcases filled with books, more overflowing onto the floor and some even stashed under my bed. I love having all of these books but to be honest it was a mess! (Plus I run a library I do have access to plenty of books.)

I hated to have people see this mess and since it was in our front room anyone coming over saw the monster. Also, it is a mental burden to know I have all of these books I haven’t read. As I went through all of the books choosing which ones to keep I felt the load of having too much begin to lift off my shoulders. I was able to fit all of my books into the two bookcases.  They are now organized and the kids can find extra paper and notebooks.

As I was hauling the boxes out to my car to donate I felt like I was ready to take on more. I felt like it was past time to go through my closet. I also felt more in charge of my life. Sometimes just getting rid of old stuff can help you feel so much better. Maybe that is why Marie Kondo is so happy, she doesn’t have any old stuff to pull her down.

Do you have some old stuff to get rid of? Are you ready to clean out the old beliefs in your brain that aren’t serving you? Now is a great time to start working on changes you have been thinking about. Choose one thing you know would make a difference in your life and start there. You will find that one thing has a snowball effect on the rest of your life. And if I can help to make these changes I would be honored to help.

Shrinking Depression

“Depression thrives in secrecy but shrinks in empathy.” Reyna I. Aburto

It has taken me years to talk openly about my experience with depression and anxiety. For too long I was worried about what people would think and how they would judge me. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or not good enough. I didn’t want people to think I couldn’t handle something because of the depression. But the more I kept quiet the bigger the depression became. The more I tried to hide the less I could connect with other people.

It is still scary to open up because not everyone understands the truth about depression. They think that just faking happiness will make depression go away. I have been slighted because I take medication. But I keep talking because there are people that need to hear that it does get better. I keep talking because depression shrinks in empathy.

I keep talking because there is that one person that needs to hear that I have been there and it does get better. They need to hear that there isn’t anything wrong with taking care of your brain. They need to know that going to therapy is a normal part of life.

I want others to know that they are not alone. As we traverse this life experience the more we band together the stronger we each become. I refuse to hide anymore. I refuse to be ashamed because my brain doesn’t work the same as other’s. I refuse to stay silent because someone doesn’t think medication is necessary. I will continue to tell my story because the more that people can understand the truth the more empathy we can build.

 

Whose fault is it anyway?

“It isn’t your fault you are the way you are. From this point if you stay that way it is your fault.” Ray Care

I have been sitting on this quote for a few weeks now. I heard it on the podcast Team Never Quit. Ray Care is a former Navy Seal that lived through a hard younger life to become a Navy Seal and then after leaving the teams he became a successful entrepreneur.

I love the message. The things that have happened to me, good and bad, to make me what I am now are not my fault. But the point when I realize that only I have the choice to change my life, from that point if I don’t change it is my fault.

So this is the sign you have been waiting for. You have the power to make your life whatever you would like it to be. You get to choose what the next part of your life will focus on. You get to decide if you are going to keep blaming other people for where you are. You get to choose how you will handle set backs and bad things that happen. It is all up to you.

Does that mean that life is always going to be fair once you take control of your choices? No life is still going to be hard. You are still going to have deal with other people’s choices but instead of becoming the victim you can become the hero of your life.

You can take what is given to you and turn it into the fire that shoots you forward. You can forgive the people that have hurt you. You can understand that what they did was all about how they were hurting and had nothing to do with you. You can learn to see life as a series of choices. Choices that can lead us closer to our goals or father away.

Those choices are all up to you. You have the power no one else. You have the power to make your life and the world better. What will you do with that power?

The Change Cycle

I hate change! I have fought against change most of my life because I like to be comfortable and the here and now is comfortable. I feel like the majority of people feel the same way. We don’t like change. That is why it is so hard to make changes in our lives. It is much easier to stay where it is safe and where we know what to expect. Because of my own reaction to change and the work I have done with clients I have come to realize how change works. Change is coming at us each day. We can choose to fight against it or learn how to deal with it.

The first part of the cycle is “anticipation of change” this is where we know that something is coming. Maybe we are moving, starting a new job or even something as simple as someone coming to visit. All of these are an interruption of our normal lives. Right at this point we have power over our thoughts. Are we going to focus on all of the bad things that MIGHT happen or do we focus on the good things this change will bring? The change is coming. However, we can make it worse or better depending on how we think about the change.

The next part of the cycle is the change has happened. We have moved, started that new job or the visitor is at our house. We are now living in the change. Now we have the choice of how we are going to deal with the change. We have a couple of choices. We can choose to make this a positive change, neutral or  negative change. The first and I think the best choice is to choose to make the most of the change and learn all we can from it. Although this change may be a negative change like an anxiety disorder getting out of control we can still choose to learn and grow from it. 

Or we can choose to live with the change in a state of neutrality. We don’t learn from it but we don’t make it negative either. Although, this choice is not as helpful as choosing to make it a positive change it is not as destructive as choosing to make it a negative change. We just coast along in the change. Finally, we can make the change a negative change. We can become bitter because we are so angry about the change. We complain about the change to ourselves and to anyone that will listen. But we never choose to do anything to make it better. This choice will continue to guide us down a negative pathway that becomes worse and worse the longer we follow this path.

The next part of the change cycle is when we begin to become comfortable with the change. It is no longer exciting or upsetting.  Life begins to settle down again and the change begins to become part of our life. As stated with the change portion we choose whether we are going to look at this change in a positive or negative light. This stage will lay the foundation for how this change will affect the rest of our lives. We get to choose the direction our life will take.

Finally, the last portion of the change cycle is the change becoming the new normal of our lives. The change has happened we are living with it. We have made the choice if we want to be positive or negative about this change and that choice is playing out in our life. If we have chosen to make it a positive change the change has made our life better. We learned something from this change and we are able to use that to help others. Or we choose to make the change a negative change. We didn’t learn anything and instead of helping others we are pushing people away because they don’t want to listen to the negativity anymore.

This cycle continues over and over again. Sometimes quickly in day such as a stupid driver on the interstate cutting us off. That change can take place in a few minutes. Or the change can take place over several years to our entire lives. The change of dealing with an anxiety disorder is something I have dealt with most of my life. 

As I think about the change cycle and using a negative change to bring positive I think of Elizabeth Smart. She was kidnapped out of her bed as a teenager and held for 9 months. When she was finally rescued she had a choice to make. Her mom told her that she could choose to let her captors continue to hold her by living in anger and fear or she could choose to live her life. Elizabeth choose to live her life. She advocates for missing children she now has a family of her own and is changing the world because she choose to make a change a positive one. 

It is examples like hers that shows me that anyone can make a positive out of any change they encounter in life. It is all up to us what we choose to do with the change. I hope you will choose to make a positive change.

Expectations

I want to make sure everyone gets along.

I want to be sure that everyone is happy.

I want to be sure everyone likes me.

I want to help everyone feel comfortable at the party.

I want to help others understand their worth.

This is a list of expectations that I have had for myself at different times in my life. Some of them are doable and good goals. Others are expectations that are toxic for my frame of mind. I have had times when I want to force people to be happy. I don’t necessarily think that when I am in the situation but that is where it goes.

So what do you do when you find yourself with unrealistic expectations? First, you have to recognize that what you are thinking or doing is not reachable. Wanting to help people feel comfortable at a party is doable. You can introduce them around to the other people. You can make sure they have food and that they know where the bathroom is. But needing everyone to get along is an expectation that is toxic. You can’t make people like each other, no matter what you do.

Second, once you realize that your expectations are out of control you can explore why you are so focused on achieving that thing. One of my major expectations is that I want people to get along and be friends, no matter what. When I started to think about this I realized that it comes from being bullied as a teenager. I know what it is like to be on the outside and it is a horrible feeling. Not wanting someone else to feel like that drives me to the extreme of trying to make everyone like each other. It makes me hyper focus on situations when I think people aren’t getting along. And I spend way too much time trying to fix the “problem”.

Finally, spend some time working through the thinking error that is causing the expectation. I have had to learn how to like myself no matter what other people think. I have come to realize that situations that I think need “fixed” the others don’t see a problem. I have had to learn boundaries and know that even if there is a problem unless I am one of the people involved the problem has nothing to do with me. It takes work and at times I still find myself sucked into trying to fix a problem. However, I can work through it much faster than I used to.

We have all learned expectations throughout our lives. The choice is now ours if we want to keep those expectations or not. We can do the work to let them go or we can stay stuck. I hope you choose to let them go.

You Are Strong Enough

“People frequently overestimate the dangerousness of a given situation and underestimate their ability to cope with it.”

Michael Neena and Windy Dryden

I know this is true for me. For years I worried about everything I did and said because I was sure I was doing it wrong. I was sure that I was going to do something that would ruin my life. Not only my life but I would ruin the lives of my family. It would fascinate my husband that I could go from one small mistake to us being homeless. And it would only take me a few minutes to get there.

I also underestimated my ability to deal with the anxiety. When it would start I knew that I had to talk to someone else to be able to to handle it. I would have to tell someone what I was thinking so they could talk me down. They would have to tell me that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. They could convince me to calm down. But I knew that I couldn’t do it myself. I just knew that my thinking was wrong and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was wrong in both situations. The horrible things I imagined were coming never came about. I never ruined anyone’s life. (At least not yet!) I haven’t been fired, put in jail, or lost our house because I lost my job. No one has told me that they hate me since 8th grade. Even when I made mistakes I was able to fix them. The horrible things I imagined only came true in my mind.

But I was able to handle every single one. I was stronger than I thought I was. And each time I handled the anxiety I became stronger. I still have anxiety issues. There are days that the anxiety kicks up but it is nothing like it used to be. I may feel nervous or anxious about what is happening but it isn’t overwhelming.

The bad was never as bad as I thought it would be. And I was always stronger than I thought I was and so are you. Don’t give up. As you keep trying and overcoming you will becoming stronger. The dark days won’t last but you will!