Author: Janna

I am a wife, mother, librarian and lover of learning new things. Amazing and Terrifying is all about my journey in this world. My purpose is to help as many people as I can choose and live the life that they want. Thank you for visiting!

When to Stop.

I have been obsessed with people pleasing lately. Not so much doing it but trying to figure out why making other people happy is so important to me. Sometimes my brain gets like this, I get hyper-focused on one thing. Honestly, it is crazy annoying.

I love to figure out why and how. I love to know why I do the things I do. And I love to know how to fix the things I don’t like that I do.  That is why I focus so much on my thoughts because I know that when I do I can catch an anxiety attack before it happens. Because I pay close attention to myself I know how to combat the anxiety.

But at times all of this attention backfires and I really start annoying myself. Because I have been hyper-focused on people pleasing, I have been trying to figure out how to stop it. So then I pay really close attention to how I am interacting with other people. Am I doing this to make them happy? How are they reacting? Do they look happy? How do I know when she is happy with what I do? How will she react? What are they thinking about me?

Right now I just need to stop. All of the focus is just making me more annoyed and more focused on people pleasing. Most of the time I know that focusing on my thoughts helps me to stop the crazy. But this time I think the focus is making more crazy. Sometimes just stopping the thought makes more of a difference.

From now on when it comes to people pleasing I am done trying to figure it all out. When the thoughts come I am going to shut them down. Maybe less focus will make the issue smaller.

Spread Love and Confidence

Last week during my Thursday Facebook live I talked about having the confidence to do just one step toward your goal. When I was talking it about it I think that I made it sound like you find this confidence just laying around. But we don’t find confidence. We have to drag it up out of the belief in ourselves and the knowledge that God has put us here for a purpose.

It is scary to take a step out of what is comfortable into something new. Change is always hard and scary, especially when it is something that is important to you. But it doesn’t change anything if you hold onto the fear instead of confidence. Let the fear go through you then take the strength left and step forward.

You may have to gather your confidence every step of the way. You may feel that your little steps aren’t moving you forward but they are. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you, any step forward is a win. You may feel like you don’t have enough to offer but you do. Everyone of us has something to offer this world.

I may never be known by more than 50 people but if I have made those 50 people feel important and loved I have fulfilled my purpose here in life. It doesn’t matter how big or small my life purpose is. Fulfilling it with love is all that matters. As I do that more people feel confident in their journey. And they are able to reach out and help others.

So your little piece of confidence leads someone else to using their little piece of confidence. As we gather all of the little pieces together we can change the world.

Let’s spread love and confidence.

Hi my name is Janna…

And I am a people pleaser.

I have spent YEARS trying to make everyone happy. Twisting myself into what I thought other people wanted is what caused the majority of the anxiety. I constantly try to figure out what other people will expect and then figure out how I can meet that while I do all of the other things that people want.

I just want people to like me.

It hasn’t mattered if I like me. It hasn’t mattered if I am doing something I enjoy as long as I know the people around me like me.

I am changing.

I know that making people like me is my Achilles heel. So I pay attention to how I am reacting to people. I am reaching out more to make friends. I pulled away from everyone for a long time because it was too hard to continue to be everything to everyone. Now I am working to figure out how to be friends with people without making them like me.

I think I am doing better. I am happy to have friends over. I am learning how to do small talk. (Which is not easy for this introvert!) I follow my husband’s example with how to talk with people. I am even reaching out to people more.

The one thing I still hate to do is tell someone no.

I still try to do everything that I am asked to do. Espically when the person asking never asks for help. I want to do everything to be able to serve them. But sometimes I just have to say no. I am learning that saying no doesn’t mean the other person is going to hate me. They may be disappointed and it may cause them to have to do more work. But if it does cause them to hate me then they weren’t a real friend to begin with.

Letting someone be disappointed in me is tough. But I am learning that I am tougher. I have learned that when I do need to say no I feel the disappoint that I can’t help them. It is so important to feel my feelings. If I just push them away then they come back stronger in a panic attack. I remind myself that I am still a good person even if I couldn’t help them. I remind myself that they are not angry with me although they may be disappointed. But I am not responsible for how they feel, I can’t control their feelings. If the feelings are very strong I will journal them to get them out. Then I go and do something else to get my mind off the disappointment.

If you are a people pleaser I challenge you to step back just a little bit. (I was going to challenge you to go say no to someone but that may be too big of a challenge to start with.) Let your kids do something for themselves, don’t answer that text as soon as it comes in, take 5 minutes just to breathe and collect yourself before heading in to work. Taking tiny steps back from people pleasing will help you to take better care of yourself.

I would love to hear what you did today to take a step back from people pleasing!

Be Kind

I saw this meme on my Facebook feed today and I have to share it! I have to share it because I know that I am not always gentle and kind to myself. I say things to myself that I would never say to other people. Are you the same way?

I shared on a live yesterday how I have been down the last few days. Nothing in particular just not feeling the best. When this happens I automatically start judging myself and trying to figure out why I feel bad. I am going to tell you a secret though. Sometimes we just feel bad. There isn’t a reason and there isn’t anything we need to fix to “make it better”. Sometimes you just have to ride out the storm.

The one thing not to do is to start judging yourself for how you are feeling. This is where I run into problems. When I start feeling bad and I can’t figure out why I start putting myself down. My go to negative thought, “You have a wonderful life why do you feel down? You don’t have any right to feel down. There are people who have really hard lives nothing like yours.” It is true that there are people who have to live through horrible things but this isn’t a contest. It is depression and sometimes it breaks through all of the things I do to take care of myself. And sometimes it is just a bad day and I feel down.

When I talk down to myself it makes the downward spiral even worse. It makes what would have been a bad day into something much worse.

All of this to say, Please just be kind to yourself. Love who you are right now. Reach out for help when you need it. More people are struggling than you think, you don’t have to be perfect.

Word of the year

Do you make a word or intention for the year? I have seen this idea grow more popular over the last few years. This year is the first time that I have decided to choose just one word to focus on for the year. Before this year it kind of seemed silly. Why choose one word to focus on?

I know that just 3 weeks into the new year my year has helped to focus my mind, not get overwhelmed and gotten me excited about prospects over the year. My word for the year is create. Have the word create as my focus this year has helped me to realize that I don’t have control of the outcome but I can create a space for good things to happen.

Starting a business, raising a family and serving in my church I can often get overwhelmed with making things happen. But I can’t control other people. I can’t make my kids do what I want them to do. I can’t make people grow their belief in God. But I can create a home where it is easier for my kids to accomplish their goals. In church I can create a safe place for teenagers to explore their faith without judgement or worry. Focusing on creating space that people can explore what is important to them takes the pressure off me to make things perfect for them.

Having a word has helped me to focus my mind. I never ever wanted to start a business. It was too scary to think about, there are too many things I don’t know. But I do know that I can help people, I know that the things I have gone through will help others. Building a business takes time, having a word to remind me that I am creating a place for people to grow and change reminds me of why I started this business.

Finally, focusing on creation gets me excited for all that is possible. There are so many things I want to make, do and share. I love to remind myself that creation is a process and I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Focusing on building instead of having it all figured out makes the process much more fun.

Is there an idea or feeling that has been calling to you? Is there something that has been on your mind to do or finish? I would love to help you create a way to accomplish your idea. Comment or message me I would love to work with you.

What does healthy mean?

The topic this time of year is all about goals and since this year is 2020 everyone is using 20/20 vision as their metaphor for goals. Well I am going to steal it too, because if you don’t know where you are going with your goals it is impossible to get there. That is why 20/20 vision for your goals is so important.

Last week I was talking to my trainer about a healthy goal. I know your goals need to be S.M.A.R.T. to be more achievable. But when I try to think of healthy goals the only measurable thing I can think of is my weight. Weight shows how healthy you are right? (I know this isn’t true but in my mind I think if I’m losing weight I am doing all of the healthy things.)

The only problem with using weight as my marker is that I start to obsess about everything. I obsess about what I eat, how much I workout and how much water I drink. Then because I am obsessing about all of this I get mad and rebel because I really want my head to be filled with more than just what I “can” eat.

So I asked Teri what I can do to set a healthy goal. Her simple question was genius, “What does healthy do?” This is perfect because it is about more than weight. For me healthy means I get at least 8000 steps in each day. Healthy means I eat 4 servings of vegetables each day. Healthy means that I don’t worry so much about what I am eating that day. The first two are measurable I can count if I have done them. (The last one I am still figuring out how to make it measurable.)

The point is sometimes you need to look at your goal in another way to take some of the pressure off yourself. I am never going to look like Jillian Micheals but I can make healthy habits that allow me to live the type of life I want.

Are you stuck on a goal? How can you look at if differently to bring back some excitement? If you need some help comment below or message me, I would love to help you rethink your goal.

Deadlines don’t Matter

Have you set your New Year’s Resolutions? Do you set goals at the beginning of a new year? What do you think of goal setting?

I sometimes get overwhelmed with goals. It can feel too overwhelming trying to figure out all of the steps to achieve the goal. Also, what happens if I can’t reach the goal in the time I have given myself? Does that mean that I have failed again with a goal? Sometimes I don’t set goals just so I don’t have that feeling of failure.

I follow a woman on FaceBook named Heather Quisel. She was taking about goal setting and achieving your goals. She said that not reaching your goals doesn’t mean that you failed. You can’t know how long it will take to achieve a goal until you start.

She encourages people to have a deadline for a goal so that you give yourself a timeline to work on. However, until you start working you don’t know how long it will take to write your book. You have no idea how long it will take you to make excercise a constant in your life.

I love this idea because it takes all of the pressure off of setting goals. It changes the way I feel about reaching a goal. Instead of putting myself down for not achieving something I know that I can revamp my goal and keep working.

What are your trick and tips for achieving goals? I would love to hear your ideas.

Using Questions to Change Your Life

I love questions! I ask a lot of questions and always have. I think I was one of those annoying toddlers that asked why every 5 seconds. I love to know why. I love to know why something works the way it does, why someone choose the path they choose, I especially love to know why someone thinks the way they do. I have learned that questions can change your life but you have to ask them correctly.

When I am experiencing a panic attack too often the first question I ask is “Why is this still happening to me?” This question doesn’t do anythng to help me stop the panic attack. All it does is make me feel worse because I am frustrated and upset about having a panic attack. If I instead ask, “What was I thinking about before the panic attack started?” I can begin the process of ending the panic attack.

If I am having a problem communicating with a friend I can ask myself, “What is wrong with me?” Putting all of the focus and the blame on my shortcomings. If I instead ask, “What choices am I responsible for that lead to this problem?” The focus is off of my shortcomings and what I think I did wrong and instead focusing on problem solving to fix whatever may have happened.

In these two examples you can see how different questions can be. One type of question we can use to put ourselves and others down. This type of question doesn’t do anything to help solve and problem. They can, however, do a lot to destroy our peace of mind and sense of self.

The second type of question focuses on finding solutions. They also take the focus off being a “bad” person. This type of questions helps us to problem solve and to look at the problem more objectively. Making it easier to find a solution for the issue facing us.

I love questions. But really I love good questions. I love questions that lead me to change and joy. I love when I can help others to change their questions to better serve them. Do you have a negative question you have been asking yourself? How could you change it to a postive question? If you need help I would love to help you, comment or message me and I will help you change your questions!

Support during Grief

Grief has been on my mind lately. I have been watching friends and family deal with loss. Grief is hard and can be lonely. Even if someone has had a similar loss, it is never the same. I think that is why it is hard for us to reach out when we see someone hurting. We know we don’t really understand how the other person is feeling.

But reaching out is important because it helps the person suffering. Because this has been on my mind I have come up with a few ideas for reaching out to someone suffering from a loss.

One of the most helpful things I have been told is to talk about the person that was lost. So often we are afraid of hurting the grieving person more that we don’t mention the person they lost. But they are going to hurt anyway, being able to hear other’s memories and experiences with their loved one helps them to keep their memory alive. It helps them know that other people still remember their loved one. It helps them feel less alone or like they need to hide part of themselves.

One of the stages of grief is anger. But it is hard to be angry at someone who is gone, we often feel guilty for being angry. Being a safe place that someone can express all they are feeling will make the grief easier to bear. That means that we are willing to listen as the grieving person talks. Don’t be afraid to just sit and listen. Or just sit and be with the grieving person.

Also, there will be many people that come to offer support shortly after a loss. But don’t forget about the grieving person, remember to check in on them weeks and months after a loss. They often feel forgotten or left behind when the world moves on and they are still grieving.

Finally, don’t set a time limit for when you think they should be done grieving. Grief changes and it isn’t always so intense but it can return as you go through different stages in your life. Let the grieving person express how they feel no matter how long it has been since a loss.

If you or someone you know needs support there are helplines you can reach out to: the Crisis Textline text ‘help’ to 741741 and the grief hotline (800) 448-3000. It is important to reach out to help when you need it. Life is precious love the people around you today.

Look How Far You’ve Come

This time of year it is common to look forward and plan goals for the new year. I always feel this time of year is kind of negative because we are looking at all of the things we haven’t done and put ourselves down because of it. But this year I would encourage you to look back and see how far you have come.

I was practicing piano the other day (I know another piano metaphor – but playing an instrument teaches you so much about life. If I had know this earlier my kids would have been in lessons at a much younger age.) and I realized how far I have come in being able to play. Usually when I sit down to practice I think about how much more I want to learn and all of the things I am doing wrong.

This time though as I was practicing some church hymns I realized how far I have come. I am able to play a hymn without thinking about it too much. Both hands are moving and I am using the pedal. I am able to work the pedal without having to remember to move my foot. These songs that I didn’t think I would be able to play I am playing. I can’t always play when other people are singing but I am getting better.

How often do we do this? We only look at where we want to go not at what we have accomplished so far. I know people say that what we did yesterday doesn’t matter. But it does matter because it shows us what we can do. It shows that we can learn and grow. It shows us how hard we work. It shows us what we are capable of, so we can continue to progress.

As you begin this new year please take a few moments to look back and see how far you have come. Look at all of the thing you have accomplished. I never thought I would be able to overcome anxiety to live the life I have now. As I look back it amazes me to see how far I have come.

What have you accomplished that amazes you? I would love to hear.