Author: Janna

I am a wife, mother, librarian and lover of learning new things. Amazing and Terrifying is all about my journey in this world. My purpose is to help as many people as I can choose and live the life that they want. Thank you for visiting!

Do you like me?

adam-jang-260876-unsplashI have a personality trait that is good but taken too far causes problems for myself and sometimes other people. What is that trait you ask? It is wanting everyone to like me. On the positive side this trait can help me to make other people feel comfortable. On the negative side there is a part of me always worrying about what people think of me. I spend waaayyy too much time worrying about other people.

Another way this trait shows up negatively in my life is that after being around a lot of people I am exhausted. Because part of my brain is always on scan checking for what is upsetting people or what I can do to make others like me at the end of the evening I just want to be alone. Just coming out of the holidays and having some events over this last weekend. I decided I had to come up with some ideas to take care of myself. Read on to find out some ideas I came up with to make sure I don’t leave so exhausted.

The first idea I came up with is to accept that I am a people pleaser. Being around a lot of people is exhausting to me. That is just the way I am, being upset with that doesn’t change the way I am and it just makes me feel worse about myself. When I accept myself I can then focus on taking care of myself.  I can catch thoughts before they spin out of control. I can also remind myself that other people’s happiness is not my responsibility.

Another idea I came up with is to take breaks. I can do this by building some down time into a busy schedule or I can excuse myself from an event when I start to feel overwhelmed.  It is ok to leave the room, the restaurant or house for a few minutes to get my equilibrium back.  One of the best places I have found to go to when I am feeling overwhelmed is the bathroom. No one questions me when I say I have to go to the bathroom, then I can take a few minutes to gather myself.  When I go back to the crowd I feel more relaxed and ready to interact again.

When everything is over and you are on your own again a good cry does wonders.  Psychology Today reported that emotional crying release stress hormones and toxins that can help us to feel better.  In that case I am all in for a few tears to help get the stress out of my body faster.

Finally, I know that I need to take care of myself as much as I can. I know that exercise helps me to feel better overall. When I keep my workout program on tract I feel better and have more energy.  When I eat well I feel better. I am not a perfect healthy eater but when my blood sugar is balanced I have less of a chance of becoming hangry. (Which is good for everyone just ask my boys.)

I worry too much about what others think. I am working to embrace and accept that fact. While I do these steps will help me to deal with the effects of my thoughts. I would love to hear your ideas for dealing with negative thoughts! What do you do when worry overtakes you? Please comment below. I can always use more ideas to deal with life.

Why Suicide?

Trigger Warning: This post is about suicide and why someone would consider suicide. Please take care of yourself and do not read if this will not be healthy for your mental health.  I am not a mental health professional. This is strictly my thoughts and feelings.

Suicide has been on heavy on my mind lately. As it slowly becomes more acceptable to discuss suicide in our society I often hear people saying I don’t understand how someone could do that. Don’t they know that things will get better? Why didn’t they just ask for help? What could have been so bad that they would want to leave this life?

I understand all of these questions because I have been on both sides of the discussion. I have never had a friend or family member die by suicide but I have considered it myself. I have also been in such a good place that it is hard to believe that anyone would ever consider suicide.

As I have considered the differences in my thoughts I have come up with a few different ideas to explain why sometimes suicide seems like the best answer. I believe that before this life we lived with God. When we came to earth we forgot what that was like however, part of our soul remembers and longs to be back there. I think that this feeling has often lead to my feelings of wanting this life to be over. I remember as a young teenager crying because I just wanted to go home.  

I was in my home at the time confused as to why I felt like I wanted to go home. As I grew in my faith I have come to believe that my soul misses home.  It misses that time spent with God. I believe that many people have the feeling of being away from home but don’t understand why. They feel out of place but can’t explain why.  Being apart from God I gives us this feeling. So when life gets hard or emotional we long to be back in the loving arms of our creator.

Another reason people consider suicide is because life sucks. And if you are overly sensitive like me life feels even harder. Difficult and scary things seem insurmountable. It can feel that there is no way life will ever get better. You will never be able to figure out how to deal with all that is happening and all of your negative feelings. But you can and you will if you just give yourself time.

The worst of the anxiety I dealt with lasted for years.  For at least a year I called my husband everyday just to get through the day. I have spent years on my knees asking God to take these feelings and worries away. I have spent time with counselors, I take medication. I have reached out to friends and family to build a support network. I know that it is hard and I know that it feels like nothing will ever change. But that is a lie that mental illness tells you. Life will change as you keep living as you do the things that help and nourish your soul you will be able to climb out of that pit. Give yourself time.

During this time I got into a very bad habit of not wearing my seat belt. I felt this was a way I could die by suicide without really doing anything. The other day I was driving home and I thought I need to put on my seat belt. The very next thought was I want to put on my seat belt. I want to live, I am excited to live.  Feelings do change and life does get better.

People consider suicide for many reasons. To help make changes and to save others we need to stop judging and start loving.  Although you may never understand why someone would consider suicide you can still love them. You can show the good things of life and be a support for them.

If you are having thoughts of suicide please reach out. You can text suicide to 741741 for the crisis text line, call 1-800-273-8255 for the national suicide hotline, a friend or to me. Private message or leave me a comment. (All comments on the blog must be approved by me before they show up public. You can comment here without anyone else seeing. I will answer!) Know that you are not alone and there is nothing to be ashamed about if you are having feelings of suicide.

Take the time to love each other today. Reach out to someone that you have been thinking about that may need to hear from you. You never know the goodness you will do.


Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Creation is a Key

I am always looking for new ways or ideas that may help in dealing with anxiety and life.  I was reading an article with tips for dealing with people that bring drama into your life. One of the tips was to become a creator. So instead of letting them bring the drama create ways to head off that drama. This started me thinking about anxiety and how creativity can help deal curb the anxious feelings.

Personally when I am stuck in the anxiety I have swirling thoughts about what is wrong.  Worried about what may happen and trying to figure out what I could have done differently. As I have thought about becoming a creator it stops the anxiety. Because a creator is a doer it helps to stop the worry of what I should have done.

There are different ways to become a creator. One way I have started to become a creator is to create the life that I want. I have worked hard to deal with the negative thoughts. I have been working to create the world in my head that I want. The thoughts that I let stay in my head create the world that I inhabit.  I know you have probably heard this before but your thoughts make your life.

Another way to become a creator is to find a talent or hobby that helps you to create your life. What is something that you enjoy doing or maybe you want to learn? Having a hobby or craft that you can focus on when the anxiety comes to call helps to focus your thoughts. It helps to remind yourself that you are more than the anxiety.

I don’t even have to be working on something at that moment for it to help me curb the anxiety.  I usually have a few different projects going at the same time. When I start to feel the anxiety come on or even when I am in the middle of an anxiety attack I use one of the projects to help me focus. I am feeling overwhelmed or I am worrying about something I should have done differently I pick one of the projects I am working on and I start to focus on that. I am working on crocheting a blanket for my husband. I use this one to start thinking about what I need. Do I have enough yarn? When is the next time I can work on it? When do I want to be done with this project? How many rows do I need to do to meet this goal? By the time I have answered a few of these questions I am out of the anxiety loop and I can think clearly.

I have tried a few different crafts. I am not always good at finishing them but they help to focus my mind. I love the feeling of making our home a peaceful place for my family. “The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before-colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

What is one hobby that you enjoy? What is something that you have always wanted to learn? Give it a try, learn to play again, get back to something you enjoy. You are a creator, begin making the life you desire. You are worth every effort!

New Year, New You!

As we start this new year there are advertisements everywhere for ways to make a new you. You can join the gym or weight watchers. You can finally get yourself and your house organized. You can learn a new hobby or quit a bad habit. Although all of these can be good and helpful, all too often all I see is that I am not good enough. (I know that most people running these programs want to help people and improve their lives. It is just the way I look at it that is a problem.) To be good enough I must join or buy their program.

What if instead of falling into the trap of not being good enough this year we start the year knowing we are enough. Nothing we can do no amount of weight we lose will make us feel worthy. (Although I am a big proponent for a healthy lifestyle and do workout with a trainer.)  There isn’t a program we can buy that will fill up what we are missing.

So what is the answer? For me the answer comes in having a firm belief in who I really am. Knowing that I am a child of God. That He created us and he sent His Son to die for us.  Having that knowledge has made all the difference for me. It makes being able to see these advertisements for what they are; helps to build my life but not the foundation to build my life on.

As we begin this year I encourage you to find the basis for what you can build your life on. Take the time to build a firm foundation so that other people’s ideas don’t influence the way that you feel about yourself. Know that you are loved and that you have something unique to offer the world!

The world doesn’t need a new you and neither do you. What is needed is for each of us to just be the real us.  It is my goal this year to be the real me. To share the things I have learned. To help those around. One way I am going to do that is through this blog. I am going to share more of my story and things that have helped me. New posts will be here every Tuesday and Friday. Please come visit often. And remember you are perfect just the way you are.

What piano has taught me about anxiety

I started taking piano lessons a few months ago. I know a little bit about the piano but I am definitely a beginner. I still have to pay close attention to what I am playing. I have learned that the way I play best is by not thinking about anything else. Most of the time I can’t even think about what is coming next, I just have to play what is in front of me.

When I try to think about what is coming I mess up what I am playing at the moment. If I start to think about how many mistakes I have made on the piece I just keep getting worse and worse; especially if I am playing in front of my teacher. If I start thinking about something else I am bound to make mistakes.

We live in a world that encourages even idealizes multitasking. Even as I write this I am eating breakfast, thinking about what we will have for dinner and making sure that the kids get out the door for school. But when I play the piano I can’t do or think about anything else.

Playing the piano gave me an idea for dealing with anxiety. My brain cannot be left alone because it usually wanders into the anxiety playground. I don’t even realize what is going on until I can’t catch my breathe or I start feeling horrible about life.

So the tip that I have learned from piano is this: pay attention to what I am thinking about or to what I am doing right now. I have to keep my brain focused. Not worrying about what other people think of what I am doing. Not worrying about what I will be doing next. Just focus on what I am doing right now.

Multitasking might be the way to do things these days but it just doesn’t work for me or for my mental health. I am learning to slow down. Pay attention to what I am doing and what I am thinking about. (Obviously I am not perfect at this as shown above but I am working on it!) Not only does this help me stop anxiety attacks before they start but I also do better at the task I am working on.

I know single tasking is not what the cool kids are doing these days but I encourage you to try it. Slow down, pay attention to the task or person in front of you. Make them the most important part of this moment and you will be surprised at how your life changes.

Hope Peace and Rest

Last week I was driving along the interstate and saw a billboard that said Jesus offers hope peace and rest.

I have been taught about the rest that Jesus offers for all of my life. For many years, however, I didn’t let myself feel that rest. My worries overtook any feeling of peace or rest that I may have received. I remember multiple times in my closet or next to my bed sobbing and begging for help. I just wanted to feel that peace that had been promised me. I had gotten to the point that I had decided that I would not be able to experience that rest until after this life. Deep down I knew that wasn’t what God had in mind for my life. He didn’t want me to experience that pain for the rest of my mortal life.

Only in the last few years have I realized that I had to give that fear, that burden to the Lord. He wanted to lift it and carry it for me. But he couldn’t just take it away I had to give it away. In the Psalm we are told to “Cast thy burden upon the Lord”. We can get rid of the burden but we have to be the ones to throw it to Him.

How do you do that? How was I finally able to let go of the fear to let the peace and rest of Christ into my life? Practice and faith

The practice in feeling that rest came during my prayers. During my personal prayers I focus as hard as I can on what I imagine God to look like. I slow down my breathing and take the time to clear my thoughts. Sometimes I imagine myself sweeping away everything that may stand between myself and the Lord. Then I start slowly with my prayer. I pay attention to what I am telling God. I make sure that I am being present with my thoughts. I try to act as if we are sitting in my room having a conversation. I focus on that sense of peace and rest that comes during prayer. I imagine Christ standing beside me lifting the burden from my back.

I had to get to the point in my faith that I could trust Christ with my burden. The anxiety made me believe that I had to do everything right and then I could approach Christ for help. As I started to come out of the anxiety through therapy and medication, I was able to start feeling the Holy Ghost guiding me. I could feel the love of Christ. I wish I could have felt this peace more during the anxiety but I am grateful it has come now.

I am not perfect. I don’t always feel that peace. But I know now that it is there for me. I know how to access it. I know that when I give away that burden even for a few minutes I can feel that peace. And that is enough to continue to believe in Christ and to continue to believe in myself.

What am I willing to sacrifice?

Sometimes in life we need to give up something we want right now for something we want even more. Sacrificing is hard and most of the time I really hate it when I am doing it. I have been thinking about sacrifice this week because of my husband. He recently asked one of our boys what they were willing to give up to achieve their goals. This got me to thinking about my goals. Am I willing to move out of my comfort zone to achieve what I want?

Anxiety affected my ability to reach out and connect with other people.  I was so worried about what other people thought of me I couldn’t get past my own thoughts to reach other people. I had so much going on in my brain I had a difficult time slowing down my thoughts enough to be able to hear another person.

Now I am mostly on the other side of those feelings. I can shut down an anxiety attack much quicker. I can slow down my brain enough to listen to what another person is saying. (Sometimes I have to work to do that but I can do it!) But I am still struggling to connect with other people. I recently went to a women’s group and after it was over I stood in the corner like an awkward teenager. I was too scared to reach out to any of the women.

I was too scared to reach out because I still have a portion of the anxiety in my head telling me that I am not good enough.  This lie holds me back from connecting with people because it tells me that the other person wouldn’t want to be my friend. It tells me that I don’t have anything to offer and that I am not good enough to help them even if I did offer. I know these are lies but at times they still control me.

This brings me to my sacrifice. I want to give up my comfort zone to connect with other people. It means I’m going to have to be vulnerable. It means I will have to be uncomfortable. It means I’m going to have to work. it scares me because of the lie. But I am tired of believing the lie and living in it’s shadow.

I am going to start fighting this lie of anxiety by reaching out to others. But I would love your ideas and support. How do you push through when you know you want something but you are sacred? How do you fight the lie of not being good enough?

Photo by Matt Kochar on Unsplash

Learning to live with anxiety

As I write this I am having an anxiety attack.  I have dealt with them for quite a few years. If you have anxiety you know how it feels: your heart starts to speed up, your thoughts go down a dark hole of negativty and you are certain that your heart is going to explode at any second. I have learned a few things about anxiety in the few years we have been buddies. I hope that they will help you not to have to travell the same path I have gone down.

First off, it isn’t going to kill me. I have been extra sensitive my entire life but the full on panic has been part of my life for about the last ten years. Althougth it often feels like it my heart has not yet exploded. The anxiety feels horrible and overwhelming but it isn’t going to kill me. In the middle of a panic attack it is hard to remember this but I promise it is true.

Another thing I have learned is that I can make the anxiety attack worse by the way that I think. When the anxiety starts I have two choice I can think this is horrible it is never going to end why do I have to put up with this why am I not strong enough to deal with life. Or I can think this is going to be a difficult day I really don’t want to do what I need to but I know that I can do it. My thoughts in the first experience lead me further down into the black hole. They make the feelings worse and my thoughts begin to spiral further out of control.  In the second example I am still having a panic attack but it doesn’t have the same control over me. I can stay above the black hole instead of entering in.

I have learned that to stay above the black hole I have to keep my mind busy.  Because of experiencing the anxiety for so long my brain is now accustomed to running quickly all of the time. I have found that I when I keep my brain busy with other things the panic doesn’t have as much space to take over.

Here is an example of what I mean. Most of my worry centers on what other people think of me so I have to make sure I am making the perfect choice all of the time. When I start to fixate on a worry I move those thoughts to an area I can actually change. When I start worrying I will imagine a stop sign and then move my thoughts in another direction. What do my boys need to get ready for school. I can start a list and begin to get things ready. By the time I have finished the anxiety is down to where I can handle it.

The panic attack I was having when I started this post is now subsiding. I know that I will deal with it more today because of what it is centered on. However, I know that I can handle it and not let it get out of control. I have faith in you also. The anxiety is not who you are, it is just a party of you that you can learn to handle.

Patience is Hard

Patience is hard, sometime it is crazy hard. I want to have what I want NOW. I want to know all the steps in my path NOW. I want to know what I should be doing NOW. Is anyone else like that?

I was listening to the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon the other morning as I was getting ready. Alma 20:29 stopped me in my tracks (metaphorically I really had to get ready for work.) The end of the verse says “nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings.”

The people that Alma was talking about had been in jail. Their skin was raw from being tied up. They were hungry, thirsty and had probably been beaten. But they were patient. They waited on the Lord to rescue them. They knew that no matter if they lived or died they were on the Lord’s errand.

Maybe I am not so patient because I am not sure I am following the Lord’s plan for my life. How do you have patience and faith in the Lord? How do you know you are on the correct path for your life?

Photo by John Salzarulo on Unsplash

Why Mother’s Day?

As I write this it is the day before Mother’s Day.  All this week I have been thinking about Mother’s day. I have been thinking about how I act on Mother’s day with my family. How I reach out to the Moms in my life and why Mother’s day is so full of emotion.

I have come to realize that for me Mother’s day is so full of emotion because I don’t feel worthy of the praise. Is it only me or does anyone else cringe when talks in church start in on their angel mother. I want to stand up and scream we are not angels we are just people.

I know I am not perfect. I know that I have not always been the best mom. There are times that I wasn’t sure I really should be trusted with these little humans. I thought the real mom had better show up soon and take care of these kiddos before I seriously mess them up.

Then there are the times when your little kids come to snuggle you with their book and blanket. I really don’t know anything better than having a loving child on your lap.

One of my favorite things recently is getting to know my boys as they grow. It is so much fun to watch them grow up and develop their own personalities and ideas. I love to be able to have a real discussion with them about whatever pops into their heads. (And lots and lots of Star Wars discussions in my house!)

I may not be the perfect angel mother that is revered on Mother’s day. I am coming to realize, however, that I am doing a better job than I sometimes let myself believe. I am not perfect but I am relying more and more on my Heavenly Father who is there to help and guide me. I am often reminded that he knew them long before I did. He loves them even more than I do.

Mother’s day often feels like a holiday for the perfect mom. But really it is a holiday for each of us. It is a holiday to remind us that we are doing the best we can. It is a holiday for us to take a minute and be reminded of all the hard work we do each day. It is a holiday to look back and see how much we have learned and grown. It is a holiday to celebrate our families and be reminded of the blessings we have.

This year for Mother’s day I wish you a day for peace. A day to feel the love of your family. The love of your Heavenly Father as you love and guide the precious spirits that have been sent to you. A day to know that you are doing a wonderful job no matter what! A day to know that you don’t have to be an angel mother to deserve the love and praise that comes with Mother’s day.

Happy Mother’s day to every woman out their that has loved me and made me who I am today. Happy Mother’s day to the woman out there that struggle and fight each day to be better. Happy Mother’s day to all of the women in the world. Thank you for sharing your love and mothering each day.

Photo by Marissa Price on Unsplash