I had a post all set to go live yesterday but it disappeared into the ether-net. I guess it wasn’t what I was supposed to be sharing!
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are all asked to help and serve in different capacities. Recently I was asked to lead the young women ages 12-18 in our ward. I love working with the young women and the other adult leaders. My problem comes in the relationships.
I am coming to admit to myself that I am an introvert. Being around people tires me out. Part of this is because I have trained myself that I have to be bubbly and happy if I am around other people. So I get extra tired because I am not being myself. Then I get frustrated with other people because I don’t feel like they are trying as hard as me. That is when I usually say something rude.
The other issue is the anxiety. I am constantly analyzing the things that I say. Did this come out right? I shouldn’t have said that. They don’t know me very well how will they take this? I am on high alert but I am not really in the conversation. My mind is whirling so fast I don’t really pay attention.
Afterwords I often have to go to my husband to find out if what I said was ok. I dissect everything to find out if I need to apologize for what I said. If he isn’t available I try to go through it in my own head but to get peace I usually just apologize to get rid of the circling anxiety.
I know it would be easier if I didn’t try, if I just stayed home. And honestly I have dreamt of that kind of life. But then I am brought back to the reality of this life. I am here to learn and grow. If I stayed home all of the time, like I want, then I wouldn’t grow at all. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to talk myself out of a panic attack. I wouldn’t have the chance to convince myself I didn’t completely offend that person.
Relationships are hard normally but when you mix in anxiety the difficulty rises. I am learning how to navigate the difficulty. I am learning that even when the negativity in my head says I’m not worth it there are people that believe that I am. I am learning that I don’t need to be hyper vigilant in conversations, I can be me. I am learning that I can have friends even when I say something rude.
