I have been thinking about this post for some time now. Truthfully it is not something I want to share. Mostly because it shows too much of my worst faults. But it is one I feel I need to share.
I have mentioned in the past that I am very judgy of other people. No matter who it is I see I measure myself against them. I want to see if I am better or worse than the person I am judging. I know I do this to try and make myself feel better. To show myself that maybe I am not that bad. But all it does it tear me down and tear down the people I am judging.
People always say don’t worry about what other people are thinking because they aren’t thinking about you. I know that is a lie, though, because I am thinking about other people all of the time.
Doing this confidence challenge has shown me two things about myself that I am not very proud of. First, I am very insecure. This is why I judge other people. I am trying to make myself feel better. I am trying to show that at least I am better dressed than her. Or I am not as heavy as her. Or I would never be so embarrassing as her. It is exhausting!
The other reason I am so judgy is because I am jealous. I don’t feel that I will ever be as good as that woman. I know that woman is so talented I don’t have anything to offer like she does. I will never be as successful as that person!
I guess really jealous and insecurity are essentially the same thing. Both are exhausting and both keep me from really connecting with people. I know when I am being judgy I am keeping people away from the real me. When I am being judgy I am putting myself on a pedestal and other people below me. (I told you this wasn’t a pretty picture of me.)
The other day I was reading in the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon. Alma was talking to the people about their sins and how the things they were doing were a trap from Satan. Satan was using these sins to keep the people away from connecting with God and each other. I sat back and thought about my life. I know that my lack of confidence keeps me from really connecting with God. I don’t feel like I am good enough to be loved by Him. As long as I am stuck in this trap I am not progressing. I am not becoming the person Heavenly Father wants me to be.
As I have focused on confidence and strength I have realized I am better than I thought. I don’t have to be perfect I am loved the way I am. I am working on tearing down the walls of jealousy and insecurity. I don’t want them anymore. I know it is time to leave them behind.
So I have made myself change the way I think. Whenever I find myself judging someone else I have to come up with 5 nice things about that person. I would much rather find nice things about another child of God. This has helped me to start breaking the habit of judging. And it helps me feel happier because I am focusing on the positives of other people
Day 19 – are there personal traits that are holding you back from confidence? Find them and tear them down. You don’t need them!
